Saphire Systrine
Joined 15th Nov, 2020 ·
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Who the FUCK did Sweetie kill?
I'll admit, seeing this topic, with a [Drama] tag, and a first story, I only clicked on it to see how bad the train wreck would be.
I stand corrected.
Surprisingly well written for a first timer (although some new lines between paragraphs got missed, and you might check the rules on punctuation "inside quotation marks"). Pace is sharp and no infodumps, instead dribbling in the exposition gradually. Unusually deft touch for a first story, actually.
First person narration is a brave choice for something like this -- high risk, but high reward and a better story if done well. So far, so good.
The New Column usually surprises me by exceeding my expectations for awfulness. It's nice to be surprised the other way for once.
And yes, I want to give Sweetie a hug.
She has been a very bad filly
Calling it now: Sweetie got framed!
well this is off to a brutal start
Oh Sweetie Belle, what have you done
Lol as the person who did the arts for the story, hi
. Also with this story, it is well written great job! 
Caught a reptile, she stole bread from a stall
You've got me hooked. Very strong start for a first story!
I must say this a very good first story. You've balanced the tension between mystery and information very well, which makes the reader want to keep reading.
I'm hooked. Keep it coming!
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You are mistaken, Sweetie Belle is in juvie for somehow managing to dodge sales tax
Sweetie Belle now faces charges up to years of jail due to unpaid cuteness tax.
I call that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo will be joining her soon, likely for the same offense, whatever it is. They will start crusading for their cutie marks in juvie and accidentally blow up a wall and let all of the other kids escape. Accidental prison breaks and general destruction due to various crusade-related misadventures keep happening until the warden kicks them out of the crumbling ruin of the juvenile detention center with a bogus parole for "good behavior."
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Thank you so much! This isn't my first time writing, but it is my first time publishing! Your kind words mean a lot, and your honesty is encouraging!
I hope you have a blessed day!
Her years of Cutie Mark Crusading finally caught up to her.
Going for the slow burn approach to revealing the charges made, I see!
Poor Sweetie...
I do love a good prison story. I wonder if anyone will guess Sweetie's charges right in the comments.
Also, completely unrelated, do you produce other.. artistic media, perchance? Or is your username's similarity to someone just a big coincidence?
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Yes, I wonder if people can guess her charges...
I work on Dimensional Shift by Valiant Studios, do music, and have done sound design for peeps in the fandom. That is the extent of it, though, so you may be thinking of someone else
Brutal, factory like
yup definitely feels like what pop culture says the American corrections facilities are like
this isn't from personal experience is it?
So, juvie is like basic training? Why? I doubt that criminal behavior is the result of an inability to follow simple instructions.
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Her charges? I am going to guess "Aggrevated Unleashing a Chaos God" with second degree "Love Poisoning."
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Detention centers and correctional facilities tend to have highly structured routines and regimens, similar to that of armed forces training, yes.
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Man, I don't get why they think that basic training encourages good behavior. Folks in uniform are not exactly paragons of civic virtue. When servicemen party, they put frats to shame. It's like all of the freedom and madness that they don't get to enjoy at work just builds up in them until it explodes the second that they get off-base. Ah, good times. Well, not really.
This story is good.
One thing that has me a little weirded out. Sweetie Belle is in a cell bloc that houses almost exclusively colts. I thought she would've been held in a cell bloc with almost exclusively fillies. Jails, prisons and detention centers(both juvenile and adult) tend to separate inmates by sex and put them into separate cell blocs to prevent things like sexual assaults, prostitution rings and inmates offering sex as a commodity(I know they're just foals, but not all of them are prepubescent and some might be in there for committing sex crimes). Either Equestria is reeeeaaaaaaallllllly progressive with their department of corrections or this is a gross oversight and just guaranteed her family a large lawsuit settlement.
Welcome Ladies to MCRD San Diego . . . FULL METAL BISCUIT
All institutions use similar protocols and procedures
Will Sweetie do any mess duties?
Woah, very interesting story you got here. I haven’t seen a prison story in a while which I wished the Fluttershy one got completed… anyways, I’m very curious why is Sweetiebelle here? That’s á interesting mystery to figure out unless they got the wrong filly
Though, I’ve seen stories take on the harsh jail life but so far it’s Equestria ideal since it’s clean and organized… for now
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Well, this is Equestria so ponies might not follow certain sins that humans would fall into. But, I totally agree that she should be in a filly prison unless there isn’t many fillies who are on jail?
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This is true in the US. Not so much in countries with actually successful corrections facilities with low recitivisim rates. Most of our research indicates that structure helps to a degree but it's extremely important that life inside is as close as possible to their ideal (non criminal) life outside.
But then, that's how things should be, not how they are.
*a lot
This sentence is missing a period at the end
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Thank
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To drive home this point, Norway uses this sort of approach to correction (the one you describe as ideal). The rate of rearrest in Norway is 20%, compared to 66% in the US or 28% in the UK.
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Joking aside, this is going to be a hard read for me. Not that it's poorly written, somewhat the opposite. I don't have any personal experience being on that particular side of the judicial system at that or any age, though I've been close and have been "in the office" on more occasions than my parents would have liked. The old rebellious side of myself wants to scream and jump out and make things so much harder for myself were I in the situation described there.
This is art! It definitely evokes feelings and we're just getting started. Let's see what the next chapter brings.
phew... if the doses are this small, it might not be such a hard story to swallow, after all. It definitely has my attention, though.