I'll admit, seeing this topic, with a [Drama] tag, and a first story, I only clicked on it to see how bad the train wreck would be.
I stand corrected.
Surprisingly well written for a first timer (although some new lines between paragraphs got missed, and you might check the rules on punctuation "inside quotation marks"). Pace is sharp and no infodumps, instead dribbling in the exposition gradually. Unusually deft touch for a first story, actually.
First person narration is a brave choice for something like this -- high risk, but high reward and a better story if done well. So far, so good.
The New Column usually surprises me by exceeding my expectations for awfulness. It's nice to be surprised the other way for once.
What did Sweetie do? Unpaid library book fines and a dog eared page! It was only late a week Little pain meet Legal pain - Legal Pain meet Royal Pain Here come de Judge
I must say this a very good first story. You've balanced the tension between mystery and information very well, which makes the reader want to keep reading.
I call that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo will be joining her soon, likely for the same offense, whatever it is. They will start crusading for their cutie marks in juvie and accidentally blow up a wall and let all of the other kids escape. Accidental prison breaks and general destruction due to various crusade-related misadventures keep happening until the warden kicks them out of the crumbling ruin of the juvenile detention center with a bogus parole for "good behavior."
11522746 Thank you so much! This isn't my first time writing, but it is my first time publishing! Your kind words mean a lot, and your honesty is encouraging! I hope you have a blessed day!
After a few minutes I had the form filled out and, having asked the officer the date, dated and handed back. He took the paper, unclipped them from the clipboard, and put some more on, handing the board back to me.
Joking aside, this is going to be a hard read for me. Not that it's poorly written, somewhat the opposite. I don't have any personal experience being on that particular side of the judicial system at that or any age, though I've been close and have been "in the office" on more occasions than my parents would have liked. The old rebellious side of myself wants to scream and jump out and make things so much harder for myself were I in the situation described there.
This is art! It definitely evokes feelings and we're just getting started. Let's see what the next chapter brings.
Who the FUCK did Sweetie kill?
I'll admit, seeing this topic, with a [Drama] tag, and a first story, I only clicked on it to see how bad the train wreck would be.
I stand corrected.
Surprisingly well written for a first timer (although some new lines between paragraphs got missed, and you might check the rules on punctuation "inside quotation marks"). Pace is sharp and no infodumps, instead dribbling in the exposition gradually. Unusually deft touch for a first story, actually.
First person narration is a brave choice for something like this -- high risk, but high reward and a better story if done well. So far, so good.
The New Column usually surprises me by exceeding my expectations for awfulness. It's nice to be surprised the other way for once.
And yes, I want to give Sweetie a hug.
What did Sweetie do?
Unpaid library book fines and a dog eared page!
It was only late a week
Little pain meet Legal pain - Legal Pain meet Royal Pain
Here come de Judge
She has been a very bad filly
Calling it now: Sweetie got framed!
well this is off to a brutal start
Oh Sweetie Belle, what have you done
Lol as the person who did the arts for the story, hi . Also with this story, it is well written great job!
Caught a reptile, she stole bread from a stall
You've got me hooked. Very strong start for a first story!
I must say this a very good first story. You've balanced the tension between mystery and information very well, which makes the reader want to keep reading.
I'm hooked. Keep it coming!
11522645
You are mistaken, Sweetie Belle is in juvie for somehow managing to dodge sales tax
Sweetie Belle now faces charges up to years of jail due to unpaid cuteness tax.
I call that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo will be joining her soon, likely for the same offense, whatever it is. They will start crusading for their cutie marks in juvie and accidentally blow up a wall and let all of the other kids escape. Accidental prison breaks and general destruction due to various crusade-related misadventures keep happening until the warden kicks them out of the crumbling ruin of the juvenile detention center with a bogus parole for "good behavior."
11522746
Thank you so much! This isn't my first time writing, but it is my first time publishing! Your kind words mean a lot, and your honesty is encouraging!
I hope you have a blessed day!
Her years of Cutie Mark Crusading finally caught up to her.
*a lot
This sentence is missing a period at the end
11524963
Thank
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Joking aside, this is going to be a hard read for me. Not that it's poorly written, somewhat the opposite. I don't have any personal experience being on that particular side of the judicial system at that or any age, though I've been close and have been "in the office" on more occasions than my parents would have liked. The old rebellious side of myself wants to scream and jump out and make things so much harder for myself were I in the situation described there.
This is art! It definitely evokes feelings and we're just getting started. Let's see what the next chapter brings.