A Snowflake in the Blizzard

Snowflake is a young pegasus pony who wants to fly to from Cloudsdale to Canterlot. However, she gets stuck in a giant winter storm along the way.

Chapters (3)

Chapter one: Storm · 30th Sep 2012 · 632 words
632
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter two: Crash · 30th Sep 2012 · 1,800 words
1,800
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter three: Canterlot · 26th Nov 2012 · 1,800 words
1,800
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 15 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 15
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Lunard

Lunard #1 · Sep 25th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

I will give my ratings now and rate the parts that I can right now:
Idea - 5/5 - Of course the story is common and is supposed to be common. But I find it interesting about what her cutie mark represents and how she is gonna reach Canterlot. I find it interesting.
Pacing - 5/5 - It seems alright. Of course the word count might be short. But if you add something more. It might just ruin the quality.
Spelling and Grammar - ?/5 - I noticed 2 spelling mistakes. 1 was repeated. But grammar isn't a problem. And I gave this rating because I can't judge a story by the start. Although I am expecting that your spelling and grammar will improvise. But I will continue this later. Although you can still know what the mistake was below these ratings.
Overall - I don't know much since I can't judge it from the start. I will finish this later when the story is done and after I read it. But, you are on a good path right now.

Spelling critisicm:
lighting ---> lightning - There should have been an "n" after "t".
ageing ---> aging - "e" will be excluded because "i" came in.

I find this story pretty good. So I hope it will get approved and people will read it soon.

FlutterDashFTW

FlutterDashFTW #2 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

Quite an epic start to a journey indeed! As short as this currently is, it's jam packed full of action filled events! Your OC isn't obnoxious like a lot of other ones either xD I've reviewed some stories for a few friends and found it to be quite entertaining So, let the review commence!

The Positives

- The plot so far seems to be original and intriguing. There's a lot of ways you can go from here which opens up a lot of paths for creativity.

- Characterization so far has defined Snowflake as an adventurous mare who never backs down from a challenge. She isn't perfect like most OC stories portray them to be. Good job with Leaf as well!

- One thing I've noticed is your use of similes. I've seen three or four of them by now and they're certainly not bad.

- Show vs. Tell. This is something that was pretty obvious you were trying to do. For the most part, you did it right. "A pink form charges..." You did it correctly here. Showing characteristics without directly stating them. However, "Her small white tipped wings brush the snow..." Seems a bit... forced. Something similar happened in the first chapter as well. The use of it here seems... unnatural. It's just a personal opinion and would probably be fine as it is.

- Spelling and grammar are quite good. I only noticed an occasional misspelling and a random missing comma.

- The dialogue in general is done well.

- The pacing is perfect. Not too rushed and not too slow. People are gonna complain about the short first chapter, but it's perfect as it is.

I'm nearly certain I've forgotten something I should put on this list, but these are the ones that really stood out. Let's move on to...

The Negatives

- Honestly, I'm having a hard time thinking of something to put here. I suppose you could say that the Show vs. Tell thing could be considered as one, but that's a stretch.

Final Thoughts

I'm kind of ashamed I couldn't think of ANYTHING to put on the negatives. I suppose that goes to show how good of a fic this really is so far. As of this point, I am immensely enjoying this and has deserved my like and favorite. As much as it kills me to say this, I really don't think FlutterDash would contribute to the story. I'm well aware your main focus is to put FlutterDash in every single fic you write, but still. I suppose you COULD go somewhere with it. We'll just have to wait and see! No review is complete without a "Lunard Patented Review System"!

Idea - 10/10 It's original and it's entertaining. What more could you ask for?
Pacing - 10/10 Stellar pacing. Keep up the awesome work!
Spelling and Grammar - 9/10 Only a few missing punctuation and several spelling mistakes.
Overall - 10/10 Maybe that's being a bit generous, but it is definitely an awesome start to a, hopefully, awesome fic. You can go far from this point and I'll try to be along for the ride! I wish you look in your future endeavors!
And as always, FLUTTERDASH FTW

Lunard

Lunard #3 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1343473
Hello there! Looks like we have found each other accidentally. Anyways, that spelling and grammar isn't gonna be a problem. Because I am proof-reading it for her.
So it will be a quite a combo!

FlutterDashFTW

FlutterDashFTW #4 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1344229
Nice! I'm totally calling you out if you miss anything.

lillytheomegawolf

lillytheomegawolf #5 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1343473 Thank you. She's not perfect because she's based off me and so has a great many of my character flaws, so I get to have fun playing around with those
Thanks for the vote of confidence in the dialogue there. It's never been a strong point of mine.
No negatives? thats encouraging. I might might submit this soon then

Yea I always figured I'd liken her to my early experiences with getting electrocuted too many times... (electric fences... wiring... )

Lunard

Lunard #6 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1344297
Umm... sure...
1344300
You need to get your proof-read versions first FlutterDash7! And I was not able to get to chapter 2 because I needed to let you decide it.
Check the document... you will see.

And your character has flaws. I like that way. Mary Sue is just... boring.

Lunard

Lunard #7 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1344300

...
..... at least you are okay now...

Lunard

Lunard #8 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

I am done proof-reading your 2nd chapter. You may update this story with it. I will get to chapter 3 soon and the other stories.

(Feel free to delete this comment.)

Mistershield

Mistershield #9 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

I thought this guy was Snowflake...

30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1r9ss6out1r462aqo1_500.png

John H

John H #10 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

1364275 Eeyup. His name was confirmed to be Snowflake by a guy or two from Has-bro. unwarranted duck-face time

EDIT: the colt with the umbrella cutie mark is checking him out!

FlutterDashFTW

FlutterDashFTW #11 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter two: Crash ·

I have thought of a negative! The title. "Snowflakes Bad Day" isn't exactly something that would pull a lot of readers in to a story. Also, I'd reccomend either putting "Chapter [Number]: [Name]" on all of the chapters or none of them. Chapter one doesn't have the tag, but two does. Also, not sure where these dislikes are coming from.