• Member Since 19th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2012

derpyhoovesstories


E

Just An Average Day In Pony Middle School But Today There Is A Fight And More And There Was Also Test So Lets See What Happens

PG-13 words

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 85 )

peaase rate coment so sursribe

:derpytongue2:

peaase rate coment so sursribe

:derpyderp2::derpyderp1:

I'm gonna say that I liked it even though I haven't read it yet!

P.S. I love the cover art. I've seen it 1,000,000 times, and I still love it

Hmm... like others said, it would be very enjoyable if you divided your paragraphs in smaller, easier to read fragments. Do you have a proofreader? If not, there is a group here in fimfiction that you could search for someone to help you. :twilightsmile:

LightPony, Independent Reviewer

1334091

ok thanks for the addisve but hwo small?

1334091

ok thanks for the advice but how small?

1334102

Hmm. That is debatable, but I believe that a paragraph should be between 3 to 5, 6 lines. Nothing very extensive, you know? Otherwise it gets tiring to read.

Also separate talking from main text... and from other characters talking as well. Make a paragraph for each character talking. That will make easier for us readers to understand the story. :pinkiesmile:

LightPony, Independent Reviewer

Oh shit. This guy deleted the comments.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1310497097772.gif
I tried giving you help on improvement, and you answer to my nice comment by deleting it. You have now lost all respect from me, and you are about to be know to the most amazing people in the world: The TWE. Have fun!

I think I hear a train in the distance.

CHOO CHOO

WHOOSH

From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

1334091 Others? We have a comment-deleting author, do we?

1334160 Why? They're being so nice about it. And they actually READ the story.

Oh wow, aren't you cool, deleting comments....
Seriously? That just makes you look like a wuss.

1334171

kero i like people who make fun of me because of my writing style

1334111I'll be glad to be an editor if you'd like.

1334155
1334162

No need to get mad. I am offering myself to help him/her with his/her text. :twilightsmile:

If you really want him/her to improve, that should be enough for both of you.

1334193 ...there's a difference between constructive criticism of a story and making fun of you for how you write. A HUGE difference. If anyone's gonna make fun of you now, it's for not being able to tell the difference, but I'm well above that.

1334155

so i was deleting mostly all of them because i hate being fun at

1334171 TWE spots an author being a stubborn mule.
GET OVER HERE!
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!
FIGHT!

1334207
1334155

And I must add: while Soto criticism was pretty valid, he was pretty indelicate about it.

1334208

Child, you've walked into a world of hurt.

Your not helping yourself in the slightest....

1334228 Yeah. Criticism usually is. Tough love is what we call it in the industry.

ok gusy this is made to sghow people hurting people feelings is cool and it could cause you to fall insted of the gir/boy your bulling

tats what i did with rd and me and i doing what ahppend to me last year and how my bf ( best friend) stood up for me

This story...... is pretty good so far, but the writing just caught me off-gaurd. It's not the spelling, it's just how the words are placed. For example:

Fluttershy and rarity both walk inside the girl bathroom and they see me holding them a note.

Should be: "Fluttershy and Rarity walked inside the girls washroom and see me holding a note."

Not trying to be mean, just putting out my honest opinion.

1334250

OK. I'm going to call troll, this is too much for any sensible human being.

Ok, giving this story the good ole' Texan try!


Twilight comes in the home-room happy as she sees that she is first yet again.
Twilight goes into homeroom, happy to see that she is first yet again.
twilight sits down and starts to read but before she even get started Trixie runs inside that room and say "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRXIE HAS CAME"- she spots twilight opening her book and Trixie does a huff and goes to her seat and starts to spy on twilight.
She sits down and start to read, but before she can even get started, Trixie runs into the room, shouting out her usual greeting of 'The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived!' She spots Twilight opening her book, and huffs before going to her seat to spy on Twilight.
Then walks in Lyra then walks in talking to bon bon.
Then Lyra walks in, talking to her friend, Bon Bon.
Then Octavia walks humming a song that she made up called No Strings Attached.
Octavia arrives next, humming a song that she made up.
Fluttershy walks in petting her new pet hamster.
Fluttershy comes up next, petting her new pet hamster.
Pinkie pie hops in and hops all the way to her seat.
Pinkie Pie makes her appearance, hopping her way to her seat.
Apple jack comes in leave a trace of mud. Rarity is now just waiting outside. Applejack turns around and says "aren't you coming sugar cube?" rarity flips her mane and says " I shall not my hoofacure all messed up just so I can get in a dirty class room.ā€¯Applejack will you be a dear and carry me because you are the one to get mud on the floor in the first place". Applejack then carries rarity to her seat and then applejack hears Trixie giggling at her and telling applejack to "giddy up" applejack takes a apple out of her saddle bag and throws it at Trixie.
Applejack walks in, leaving a trace of mud. Rarity is waiting outside, head held high as she looks disapprovingly at the mud. Applejack turns around and says, "Aren't you coming in, sugar cube?"
Rarity flips her mane, saying, "I shall not mess up my hoofacure, just so I can get inside a dirty classroom. Applejack, be a dear, and carry me, after all, you are the one who messed up the floor with mud." Applejack complies, not wanting to hear Rarity whine. She then hears Trixie giggling at them. She takes out and apple and throws it a Trixie.

This, is just SOME of the work requiered to fix this. Most likely this'll get deleted..

1334261

i like this comment and stop with the delting things. i was just delting becuase they said they sucked

1334246

You cannot use the 'Tough Love' excuse if you don't use the 'Love', through.

1334208

You don't delete comments, you learn from them.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with this question:

Just An Average Day In Pony Middle School But Today There Is A Fight And More And There Was Also Test So Lets See What Happens

PG-13 words

How do you write like this? Just...tell me how. You capitalize every single first letter...yet you type in lower-case when commenting. And when it comes to the body of your story, after a quick look through, it's lacking the capitalization of every single first letter of every word...

Do you think it helps add emphasis to your description? Makes it more noticeable? It's a waste of effort, through and through.


Know what? I'll be a nice guy and do this for you:

Middle school, a time of growing for young foals on their path to adulthood, trying to get suited to social interactions, break away from their childish antics, toys, and actually start worrying about the world. A time when ponies tend to be a little...unstable in their actions as they deal with puberty, clashing cliques, and more work than you can shake a firehose at!

But school can be entertaining as well. Projects, good-hearted teachers, plenty of friends...there's a whole world to be experienced in school. We've seen Twilight rise to stardom as the Element of Magic, but what were her school days like, under Celestia's wing? Oh, the stress must have been unimaginable, trying to impress the ruling monarch of Equestria!

What of Rainbow Dash, the lovable drop-out? What caused her to run away from school and escape into the world with a less-than-standardized education? Applejack, who's worked a farm for most of her life? Pinkie Pie, who's past is an utter mystery?

By reading this, light may be shone upon these answers...as well as other things, if our good heroines get lucky!

You see that? You see how it keeps you reading throughout? The good spacing, the wording, the cliffhanger at the end? The fact that it doesn't throw the entire plot of the story in your face?

I couldn't care less about how you write, I'm reviewing based on WHAT you write. And what you've written here, from the description standpoint at the very least, is burning my eyes...I'll give your story a shot as well.

Oh, and copying my comment, considering you like deleting comments!

ENGLISH MOTHERBUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?

1334278 Well, I can't speak for Soto since I got here after the comment wipe, but I've noticed he's usually relatively nice to the stories, depending on their overall quality. The rest of the TWE can be FAR more brutal.

1334270>>1334276

I like this comment, and stop with the deleting things. I was just deleting because they said they sucked.

Thank you for your opinion

Please, PLEASE tell me why you write like this? This isn't Facebook. On a literary site, we care A LOT about grammar. Without proper grammar, you can't make a compelling story or move people in the slightest.

Ouch. that was painful to read. My eyes are burning. But no one will know, as this comment is going to get deleted, correct? Oh well, this story is going to get deleted anyway. I can do better than this, And I am twelve years old. Maybe you should consider taking a composition class?

Sincerely, agentreilly

1334305

im just have a grammer disorder. so i need a special tooter for it nd i try my best and you guys are making me cry and im leaving

1334228 Well, then it seems you have been viewing the wrong comment, ma'ma. I didn't know telling them they need to fix the wall of text, and letting him know that he has bold, italicize, and underline, was being indelicate. Please, enlighten me, what in all this was indelicate? Being that you happened to mention the wall of text as well, but you didn't mention anything about the Capitalizing of every word.

1334208 Also, I didn't make fun of you. I gave you my constructive criticism with a picture to help show you what you could have used instead of having random words IN ALL CAPS. It is not pleasing to see thing, and to save myself the trouble of saying it, I made a quick picture to show you. Sadly, apparently, that was enough to make you assume that I was making fun of you. I don't appreciate it that you guys are so close minded to assume that my simple comment on what needs improving is insulting. If you really can't take a mild amount of constructive criticism like mine, then why have your story posted?

1334270 Oh my, you seem to think that I was saying the story was good. It isn't. I read it, and while the concept is good, it's overall presentation was horrible.

1334301

Water under the bridge. Just try and bring what you learned through school into your comments, description and story.

Writing in short-hand, Internet speak, not using proper grammar, misspelling words...it doesn't make it any faster to type, it doesn't make you look any better. It's just proper to write stories, comments and such the same way you would write a letter to your grandmother, or a formal e-mail to your teacher.

1334332

You can't be so sensitive. You do realize your on the internet, right? We're cold, ruthless bastards.

You show weakness, we capitalize. That's life outside the bubble of childhood.

1334283

I haven't read the story, so I can't be sure, but after reading the comments I think the author might be a troll. No one can mess up grammar and spelling that much on accident.

Or maybe English isn't his first language, at which point this is acceptable... but his English teacher should be fired :derpyderp2:

i am a child and i am a girl ok.

i also have an emotional issues

so how do you think about everthing now?

1334352

Absolutely nothing different, honestly. Then again, when you're a critic, you can't really play favorites.

World's a brutal place, but you've gotta learn to roll with the punches.

Disorders suck, yes, you learn to live with them. Fallen Prime has disorders of his own, yet it doesn't stop him from trying and succeeding. What you need to do is start again and think things through, think hard, and never give up, no matter what's said. If you have an idea that you think is good, chances are it might be good for the rest of the populace if done correctly.

You write for the population first. Do some reading, see what you learn, and study the structure of the stories. You'll benefit from it, and then your disorder won't mean much.


1334350

Eh.

Also, Iroh is my favorite character from Avatar. The laid-back retired General, awesome guy.

1334134
You sound like a great editor. To keep a calm face like that takes some serious love and tolerance. And the fact that you based the entire story so far off of that... particular subject of pegasine anatomy not only disgusts me, but doesn't make for a very good read. Seriously, "About my Immortal" much?

1334352

Avoid making fan-fiction on a public site, unless you can own up and handle criticism (I.E. tough love)

1334270 WAIT! So, you delete my post because you accused me of saying that your story was bad? Really? That only makes me loss even more respect for you. I never said, nor implied, that your story was bad, or good, in any way, shape, or form. I only told you what you needed to fix before I decided to review the story.

1334302

Then you should incentive them to be more moderated.

1334339

You were pretty agressive. You used low class language (like the word damn) and you implied that this story wasn't worth your time, unless the author forcefully fixed what you said. That sounds pretty authoritative and mean to me.

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