The Break (snack time)
Fluttershy and rarity both walk inside the girl bathroom and they see me holding them a note. I give it the note to Fluttershy and I say "give this to thunder lane".
Fluttershy and rarity leave the girl's bathroom hold the note in her hoof. Rarity then snatches the note she opens it and she gasps. She then shows it to Fluttershy and Fluttershy then says in shock "oh my...”
Rarity then runs to rainbow dash and gives her the note. Rainbow dash then screams in laughter and she grabs it and shows it to the school press pony named sapphire. Sapphire then gaps and she put in her saddle bag and runs to the news room. (The school as plat screen TV- everywhere for school news). A TV turns on and this is what was on it.
"Hello I’m sapphire with rain drops with today school news. Today we found that a pony love a mare.
We will tell you and we have proof from some under cover mare/ponies. Anyways our top story for this morning is that was having gone deeper into the secret of the case called the wing thing. Rain drops would you like to tell them"
Says sapphire. Rain drops then read the paper saying
“Our top story is that we have realized any Pegasus would get a wing ting because she or he has a crush on a very special somepony. We have used Abi Paint Brush for this testing and we have put thunder lane down a hall to see what happened and sure like studies would say she got a wing thing. so today top story is about the wing things and any Pegasus can get it mare, pony and even fillies. so this is going on today ponies".
The TV turns off and I had my jaw in shock. I all of a sudden heard pony of all kinds laughing at me. out of the blue thunder lane came by my side and said
"STOP LAUGHING ANY PEGASUS CANT HELPS IT."
He turns around and he sees my not only with a wing boner but also I was bushing like a nut. I stood up and I sniffed my tears and thunder lane held my hoof. Rainbow dash was in shock so she flies strait to sapphire and she yell at her
"WHAT WAS THAT I WANTED YOU TO HURT HER FEELING NOT GET HER CLOSER TO THUNDER LANE".
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1334102
Hmm. That is debatable, but I believe that a paragraph should be between 3 to 5, 6 lines. Nothing very extensive, you know? Otherwise it gets tiring to read.
Also separate talking from main text... and from other characters talking as well. Make a paragraph for each character talking. That will make easier for us readers to understand the story.
LightPony, Independent Reviewer
1334134
thanks for much for the info
Oh shit. This guy deleted the comments.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1310497097772.gif
I tried giving you help on improvement, and you answer to my nice comment by deleting it. You have now lost all respect from me, and you are about to be know to the most amazing people in the world: The TWE. Have fun!
I think I hear a train in the distance.
CHOO CHOO
WHOOSH
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
1334091 Others? We have a comment-deleting author, do we?
1334160 Why? They're being so nice about it. And they actually READ the story.
1334171
kero i like people who make fun of me because of my writing style
1334155
1334162
No need to get mad. I am offering myself to help him/her with his/her text.
If you really want him/her to improve, that should be enough for both of you.
1334155
sorry pple was making at me
1334193 ...there's a difference between constructive criticism of a story and making fun of you for how you write. A HUGE difference. If anyone's gonna make fun of you now, it's for not being able to tell the difference, but I'm well above that.
1334155
so i was deleting mostly all of them because i hate being fun at
1334171 TWE spots an author being a stubborn mule.
GET OVER HERE!
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!
FIGHT!
1334207
1334155
And I must add: while Soto criticism was pretty valid, he was pretty indelicate about it.
1334208
Child, you've walked into a world of hurt.
Your not helping yourself in the slightest....
1334228 Yeah. Criticism usually is. Tough love is what we call it in the industry.
ok gusy this is made to sghow people hurting people feelings is cool and it could cause you to fall insted of the gir/boy your bulling
tats what i did with rd and me and i doing what ahppend to me last year and how my bf ( best friend) stood up for me
1334202
People were doing what now?
This story...... is pretty good so far, but the writing just caught me off-gaurd. It's not the spelling, it's just how the words are placed. For example:
Fluttershy and rarity both walk inside the girl bathroom and they see me holding them a note.
Should be: "Fluttershy and Rarity walked inside the girls washroom and see me holding a note."
Not trying to be mean, just putting out my honest opinion.
1334250
OK. I'm going to call troll, this is too much for any sensible human being.
1334261
i like this comment and stop with the delting things. i was just delting becuase they said they sucked
1334257
thank you for ur option
1334246
You cannot use the 'Tough Love' excuse if you don't use the 'Love', through.
1334250
gameinformer.com/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-ImageFileViewer/CommunityServer-Blogs-Components-WeblogFiles-00-00-01-02-18/8267.that-post-gave-me-cancer.jpg_2D00_610x0.jpg
1334208
You don't delete comments, you learn from them.
I'm going to be perfectly honest with this question:
How do you write like this? Just...tell me how. You capitalize every single first letter...yet you type in lower-case when commenting. And when it comes to the body of your story, after a quick look through, it's lacking the capitalization of every single first letter of every word...
Do you think it helps add emphasis to your description? Makes it more noticeable? It's a waste of effort, through and through.
Know what? I'll be a nice guy and do this for you:
You see that? You see how it keeps you reading throughout? The good spacing, the wording, the cliffhanger at the end? The fact that it doesn't throw the entire plot of the story in your face?
I couldn't care less about how you write, I'm reviewing based on WHAT you write. And what you've written here, from the description standpoint at the very least, is burning my eyes...I'll give your story a shot as well.
Oh, and copying my comment, considering you like deleting comments!
1334250
i am very confused
1334283
ok thank you and im sorry
1334278 Well, I can't speak for Soto since I got here after the comment wipe, but I've noticed he's usually relatively nice to the stories, depending on their overall quality. The rest of the TWE can be FAR more brutal.
1334270>>1334276
Please, PLEASE tell me why you write like this? This isn't Facebook. On a literary site, we care A LOT about grammar. Without proper grammar, you can't make a compelling story or move people in the slightest.
1334305
im just have a grammer disorder. so i need a special tooter for it nd i try my best and you guys are making me cry and im leaving
1334228 Well, then it seems you have been viewing the wrong comment, ma'ma. I didn't know telling them they need to fix the wall of text, and letting him know that he has bold, italicize, and underline, was being indelicate. Please, enlighten me, what in all this was indelicate? Being that you happened to mention the wall of text as well, but you didn't mention anything about the Capitalizing of every word.
1334208 Also, I didn't make fun of you. I gave you my constructive criticism with a picture to help show you what you could have used instead of having random words IN ALL CAPS. It is not pleasing to see thing, and to save myself the trouble of saying it, I made a quick picture to show you. Sadly, apparently, that was enough to make you assume that I was making fun of you. I don't appreciate it that you guys are so close minded to assume that my simple comment on what needs improving is insulting. If you really can't take a mild amount of constructive criticism like mine, then why have your story posted?
1334270 Oh my, you seem to think that I was saying the story was good. It isn't. I read it, and while the concept is good, it's overall presentation was horrible.
1334301
Water under the bridge. Just try and bring what you learned through school into your comments, description and story.
Writing in short-hand, Internet speak, not using proper grammar, misspelling words...it doesn't make it any faster to type, it doesn't make you look any better. It's just proper to write stories, comments and such the same way you would write a letter to your grandmother, or a formal e-mail to your teacher.
1334332
You can't be so sensitive. You do realize your on the internet, right? We're cold, ruthless bastards.
You show weakness, we capitalize. That's life outside the bubble of childhood.
1334283
I haven't read the story, so I can't be sure, but after reading the comments I think the author might be a troll. No one can mess up grammar and spelling that much on accident.
Or maybe English isn't his first language, at which point this is acceptable... but his English teacher should be fired
i am a child and i am a girl ok.
i also have an emotional issues
so how do you think about everthing now?
1334352
Absolutely nothing different, honestly. Then again, when you're a critic, you can't really play favorites.
World's a brutal place, but you've gotta learn to roll with the punches.
Disorders suck, yes, you learn to live with them. Fallen Prime has disorders of his own, yet it doesn't stop him from trying and succeeding. What you need to do is start again and think things through, think hard, and never give up, no matter what's said. If you have an idea that you think is good, chances are it might be good for the rest of the populace if done correctly.
You write for the population first. Do some reading, see what you learn, and study the structure of the stories. You'll benefit from it, and then your disorder won't mean much.
1334350
Eh.
Also, Iroh is my favorite character from Avatar. The laid-back retired General, awesome guy.
1334134
You sound like a great editor. To keep a calm face like that takes some serious love and tolerance. And the fact that you based the entire story so far off of that... particular subject of pegasine anatomy not only disgusts me, but doesn't make for a very good read. Seriously, "About my Immortal" much?
1334352
Avoid making fan-fiction on a public site, unless you can own up and handle criticism (I.E. tough love)
1334270 WAIT! So, you delete my post because you accused me of saying that your story was bad? Really? That only makes me loss even more respect for you. I never said, nor implied, that your story was bad, or good, in any way, shape, or form. I only told you what you needed to fix before I decided to review the story.
1334302
Then you should incentive them to be more moderated.
1334339
You were pretty agressive. You used low class language (like the word damn) and you implied that this story wasn't worth your time, unless the author forcefully fixed what you said. That sounds pretty authoritative and mean to me.
1334270
17 dislikes compared to 4 likes and it's people's comments that told you your story sucked? Does your Mom think you're cool even if nobody else says so?
Either you're the biggest precious snowflake ever to set foot on the internet or you're a troll. Either way, you're not worth reading.
1334367
Hmm... I didn't get what your last sentence means, but I thank you nonetherless for the compliment.
Dear author:
READ THIS ENTIRE COMMENT AND CONSIDER WHAT I SAY BEFORE DELETING.
-----
1330997
>spelt "Please" wrong
>spelt "comment" wrong
>spelt "subscribe" wrong
>has no commas or punctuation
>no capitalization
>implying there's Subscribing on FiMFiction
massmultiverse.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/facepalm_implied1.jpg
Sigh... Since I have some sort of rank, I guess I'll review this... thing...
Title: YOU CAPITALIZED EVERY WORD IN IT! AHHHHHHH- *head explodes*
The title's stupid. What the hell is "Pony Private Princess School"? Come on, that's just dumb.
Description: Dear god, you capitalized every word. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! It's hard not pulling the trigger of this (imaginary) gun that's up to my head. It's stupid, and also has horrendous punctuation.
Story: I get sick from looking at it. Horrible capitalization, horrible punctuation, EXTREME FUCKING OOC'NESS, horrible grammar, horrible spelling, horrible...
EVERYTHING!!
This makes me want to cry. You really need someone to help you; someone might be able to help you. You need it.
Also, stop deleting comments. It makes you look like a weakling who can't handle anything that others say. We all may be harsh, but LISTEN for Pete's sake. Ugh!
Final tips:
-Get an editor
-STOP DELETING COMMENTS
-Listen to the comments
Alright, there you go. Just so you know, if you decide to delete this, I'll know. And I will come back.
That's enough for now; I must resist punching myself in the face.
(Shiver)
>GoldenEagle159, TWE ModFag
1334387 Um... we just nuked the entire member list a few nights ago. And Soto's an admin anyway.
1334352
If you're a child then you probably shouldn't be here. The internet be a harsh place yo.
Enemy Five Hundred Metres At That Bush.
Two, Is Down.
Wow, lots of douches giving her hate. Alright guys, I, like everyone else here, has noticed the grammer mistakes. I agree on one thing which Distrance said, it's that there are complete assholes on the internet. But there are also very nice people on the internet. I'm kinda in the middle, but seriously guys, giving her hate because of her grammer is nothing to hate about. Deleting a comment might, but not inproper grammer. Derpyhoovesstories, don't delete a comment just because it said your story sucked. What a reasonable thing to do is to look over the story by yourself or with a friend and check over your work, and correct any mistakes you've made.
1334387 You have a bad sense in assumptions. Nothing I said was forced upon him to fix. He can choose to fix it or not, but I simply said I would not give the story a real review unless the story fixes those two things. He doesn't have to fix them, and he certainly doesn't have to accept my criticism. The problem that I have is no matter how harsh a comment may sound, it is even more disrespectful to delete the comment. I don't appreciate that you are trying to argue with me. If you really call that being mean, then this is not the site for you. 'Low class language' only made your comment all the more disrespectful. I didn't imply that is story was a waste of my time, I said it was a waste of my time. Why is this? Wall of text and unnecessary capitalization on every word. If I really have to say, and I don't feel good about saying it, but you really don't give really any good criticism, to say the least. It's okay criticism, not bad, but it is not good. You left out a ton of rather important mistakes that needed to be handled with that even the people that don't tend to review stories noticed. If you noticed, then you should have mentioned it, but you didn't. Don't tell us, especially me to be more moderate about something like this because I am being moderate. Even in this comment I have yet to use 'low class language'. Your comments are under moderate, which is worst than the position that our group is in. I would rather hurt the person letting them know that they need to improve than pat them on the back and telling them they are doing so well, despite the many errors made in this story. That's all you are doing in your comment. You are praising them for doing a good job in certain area that they are not. (So you know, I said certain in which I am referring to everything but the concept.) I don't appreciate that you are calling yourself a reviewer when you make too many assumptions to details. As a reviewer, you should know what is being said, know what's being implied. You should know what should be said that is important for the author to know, but you didn't. With all do respect, you need to improve on you independent reviewing because, right now, you are barely doing any good to anyone, especially when you are posting accusations like this as blogs. Please, just stop what you are doing right now because I am trying to be as gentle as Fluttershy for you, but if this continues, I will have to start being as honest as Applejack about everything.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
^That is a review. How a mildly harsh review is done. The reason it is mildly harsh is because you don't seem to understand the situation that is occurring at this time, but you seem to be persisting upon your opinion that has lost all value as soon as she hit the delete comment button.
1334387 Also, I thought I should point this out.
This counter logic, sadly, doesn't apply. I have already read the story before sending my comment, and I did give it a review. I, however, refused to give it a complete review until other things that I have reviewed have been fix because I don't like interpreting what the reader is saying, and knowing that you are here to think that my petty comment was insulting, leave an even longer comment pointing out every mistake that was made in the story. That would have appeared to be mean to me. So, yes, it was going to be a waste of my time to give this story a full review for the simple fact that it would have taken me a good 4 hours, maybe more, to type up my review, point out all the mistakes, and give my constructive criticism along the way.
1334352
You're playing with the big boys, now. Stay cool and never show weakness. We feed on weakness.
1334344
*you're
See? Not even fellow explorers are immune. Teh interwebz is a dangerous, heartless place.
Now for the story....
I started laughing at "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE HAS CAME"-. I must be tired...
The differing quotation marks made me dizzy. Hitting Enter before every new character speaks will help.
Don't put yourself in the story... that's just begging for people to come rip on it.
The wingboner awkwardness.... you tried, I'll give you that. And it was mildly amusing. But that's about all the good I can say about that. It was a bit messy, you used capitalization a bit too liberally, and making it a news story is kindof silly. And Rainbow trying to get a pony to hurt another pony's feelings? NOT something a Loyal pony would do.
At least you got Rarity's attitude right.