Disappear

by Erynaster

Please Don't Leave

It's a windy day. The breeze carries with it a hint of springtime essence; the smell of blooming flowers, accompanied by the faint notes of a bird's melodious song in the distance.

It's a peaceful day, you think.

The sun isn't too hot this time today. A few clouds would pass overhead, casting much-needed shade over you and the unicorn next to you.

Starlight's gaze is fixed upon her kite as it flutters in the breeze, performing loop-de-loops overhead as guided by her horn. Her eyes are focused intently on the diamond-shaped object in the sky, but she isn't tense at all. In fact, her shoulders relax slightly as the kite hovers steady in the breeze, held aloft by none other than the winds it would pick up at its current altitude.

It was a peaceful day.

"Watch your kite!" Starlight points out.

You return your attention to your own kite, which was currently spiralling out of control without your guidance. You hastily seize control of the situation, reeling it in before things got more out of hand.

That was close.

"Are you feeling alright, Anon?" Starlight asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine! Just got lost in thought for a moment."

The unicorn surveys you intently. It feels like you're being scanned by an x-ray.

"Alright then."

She turns her attention back to her own kite, still eyeing you out of the corner of her eye.

Part of you feels amused at Starlight's concern for you.

"Hey, I'm fine, Glim." You chuckle. "Just thinking about tonight."

She smiles. "Date night?"

"Mhmm." You nod.

Starlight looks back and forth from you to your kites.

"So this doesn't count?" She giggles.

"Nah, this? This is just two friends hanging out. Nothing romantic about this at all." You tease, eyeing Starlight expectantly.

She doesn't react.

"Surely you haven't forgotten about a while ago, haven't you?" Starlight says casually, a smirk beginning to form on her muzzle.

You can feel your face turn red.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." You deadpan, trying to keep up the charade as much as possible.

Starlight's smirk grows wider. "Oh, please, Anon. Don't pretend like we weren't all over each other just an hour ago."

"Okay, okay, you got me." You concede, the memory replaying in your mind. "So that did happen, huh?"

"What, you've got amnesia now?" She chuckles.

"It just felt like a dream. For all I know, I could've imagined the whole thing." You shrug.

Starlight gives you a look that's hard to read. Her horn glows as she begins to reel in her kite, her eyes not leaving your face for one second.

As she finishes fiddling with the spool of thread, you can feel a tug on your collar that brings you to be on eye-level with the mare. Her horn glows, keeping you in place.

"In that case, how about I refresh your memory, hm?" She raises an eyebrow at you, giggling playfully. "How does that sound?"

"I wouldn't mind one bit." You play along, leaning forward just as Starlight does the same.

Wrong. All wrong.

What results next is a rather half-hearted kiss, with you attempting to pull back at the last second and with Starlight noticing.

"Anon, what's wrong?" Starlight blurts out the moment the kiss breaks, concern evident in her tone. "Are you okay?"

You can't speak. It couldn't be happening right now, not again.

"Anonymous?"

You smile, brushing aside a few errant hairs that had fallen across Starlight's face.

"I'm sorry, Starlight. It's just… I'm still not used to us being this intimate with each other. I'm still adjusting."

Starlight seems to ponder your words, staring deeply into your soul as she does.

Please believe me.

Starlight begins to smile, slowly at first. Before breaking into a full grin that dispels all signs of worry from her face.

"Well, you better get used to it, Anon. Because now, you're stuck with me." She gives you a peck on the lips, taking you by surprise. "Whether you like it or not."

You return the smile, tucking your kite underneath your arm. "Wanna head back?"

Starlight nods. "Sure. I'm starving."

"I know a place in Ponyville, how does that sound?" You offer.

"Sounds great! Let's go."

…

"Thanks for dinner, Anon. That carbonara was amazing!"

The two of you exit a cozy-looking cafe, walking down the sidewalk as night begins to fall upon the town.

"You should've let me pay the bill, Glim…" You mumble shyly. "This is the third time you've paid for dinner."

"Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine!" Starlight winks at you. "My treat."

You smile painfully. "Gosh, Starlight. Thank you…"

Pathetic.

You stop, stunned. Starlight doesn't notice, continuing forward while talking about…well, something. You weren't paying attention anymore.

Freeloader.

You swallow, shaking your head once as you attempt to catch up with Starlight.

"...and that's why the school's cafeteria had to be renovated. Repairs, you know." Starlight turns to you, her countenance falling as she beholds yours. "Anon…you don't look too good."

You panic, attempting to regain your composure in front of the lovely unicorn.

"I-I'm fine, Glim. Really."

"You sure? You look pale." Her tone carries unmistakable worry.

You shrug. "I'm just a bit cold…that's all. I should've brought a hoodie."

Starlight doesn't look convinced. Suddenly, she brightens up before walking over to your side, pressing herself against you.

"We can walk like this if you're feeling cold. I don't mind." She smiles, snuggling into you. "Would you like that?"

Her gesture shocks you, enough to make you forget about…whatever had happened. You beam at her, placing an arm around her withers.

"Thank you, Starlight."

The two of you make your way down the street, huddled close together as the chill evening air settles upon the little town. Ponies pass by you, some waving in warm greeting and others attempting to avoid your eyes. You didn't blame them.

"The town is really beautiful at night…" Starlight mutters, taking in the pretty sight. "I hardly get out of the castle after nightfall. I've been missing so much."

You smile at the mare. "I mean, sure, it's a pretty view, but it's not as pretty as the view I get to look at right now." You grin.

Your words cause Starlight to blush, her cheeks turning a faint shade of pink. "Oh, stop, you." She chuckles. "Where'd you read that, '101 Ways on How to Woo a Mare'?"

"Yup. Gotta return that one to Twilight eventually."

The two of you share a laugh, all worry forgotten. You continue to make your way down the street, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells that the town had to offer.

Eventually, a happy-looking couple passes by you two. A stallion and a mare. They're laughing about something, very clearly in love with one another.

Your gaze lingers on them for a while. You wonder.

You glance at the reflection of you and Starlight on a window of a shop. There's Starlight, looking as picture-perfect as she always did, unruffled and elegant as always. Then there was…you. Some humanoid thing that other ponies would be more than glad to flee from. To be afraid of. You can feel your heart sink.

She's better off without you.

You cringe, wanting more than anything to shut out the thoughts that plague your mind. You didn't want her to see you like this.

It's too late. Starlight noticed your pained expression quicker than you could hide it.

"Anonymous. Please talk to me." She says firmly, looking you dead in the eye.

You sigh.

"I…I'm not feeling too good, Glim. I'm sorry."

Her expression changes into one of sympathy. "Wanna head back to the castle? Maybe you should rest."

"I think so too…" You mumble. "Should we go now?"

"Yes. As soon as possible." Starlight nods, horn glowing before erupting in a flash of light.

…

It’s midnight. You can’t sleep.

This way and that way you tossed and turned, and yet sleep wouldn't come.

Every time you felt like slipping off into blissful unconsciousness, one stray thought was all it took to keep you anchored to the waking realm, where things were no better.

But why?

Why did things have to go so wrong, when everything was finally going right for once?

Deep down, you knew there was nothing really wrong. Everything was turning out far better than you anticipated, with the mare of your dreams reciprocating your feelings of undying devotion and affection and all. Why did your insecurities have to be the strongest when you were at your summit?

Maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe something was wrong. Maybe you had overlooked some minuscule detail, some unaddressed issue that was preventing your happiness. What if the life you led now wasn’t as pristine and perfect as you had initially thought? What if your life with Starlight was built on nothing but half-truths and fragile promises?

And most terrifyingly, what if she left you?

What then?

You’re hopeless.

You were no good, and you knew it. Even back on Earth, the life you led could hardly be called a life at all. Monumental screw-ups littered the timeline of your existence there, and more often than not you found the world to be frequently conspiring against you, always finding ways to drag you down, to break your spirit. What if that same karma had followed you to this world, where you finally felt like you had been building something worthwhile?

Hopeless and alone.

And just like that, the faintest spark of hope within you was snuffed.

You couldn't go on like this anymore. Not when the voices in your head never seemed to leave you alone.

You just wanted it to end.

The mare sleeping next to you snores suddenly, startling you out of your wits. Your gaze lingers upon her sleeping form for a moment, taking in all her features in the sparse moonlight. She was so beautiful, and so peaceful.

You didn't want to ruin that for her.

She's better off without you in your life.

You clamber out of bed, slowly so as not to wake Starlight. You make your way out of the room as you feel your way down the darkened staircase.

Just end it.

You make your way to the kitchen, where you knew the cutlery were being kept.

Just end it.

You reach instinctively for the drawer where you knew the knives were, and without a moment's hesitation you pull out a silver knife, gleaming dangerously in the faint moonlight.

Just end it.

But…you couldn't. Your hand trembles as you fiddle with the handle, caught up in the sudden indecision of what you were about to do.

Just end it.

Maybe things would get better! Maybe, just maybe—

Just end it.

But… Starlight—

JUST END IT.

You wince, a single tear rolling down your cheek. The knife's blade is sharp against your skin, burning hot as it makes a deep gash in your wrist.

The moment the blood is drawn, you're mesmerized. All pain aside, you couldn't help but find the slow trickle of blood as it flows down your wrist oddly satisfying.

You deserve this and you know it.

You lift the knife again, ready to make another gash just above the first.

Just end i—

"ANONYMOUS, NO!!"

You jump. Behind you, Starlight emits a hair-raising screech, and before you know it the knife is knocked out of your hands by her magic.

"ANONYMOUS, WHY IN CELESTIA'S NAME—GIVE ME YOUR HAND!"

You oblige, suddenly feeling numb.

Starlight surveys your wrist with worry and concern etched on her face. Slowly, she looks up at you, tears forming in her eyes.

"Anon…why?" Her voice cracks with despair. "... Why?"

You wanted to scream. Shout. Anything to break the awful silence, anything to console your beloved Starlight. But no words came.

Instead, tears begin to form in your eyes as you watch Starlight's heart crumble into a million pieces right before your eyes. It's gut-wrenching.

You break down sobbing, dropping onto your knees as despair finally overwhelmed you. Starlight rushes to your side, holding you close as your tears began to cascade down your front, wetting your shirt as well as Starlight's coat.

"W-We need to patch you up. Now." Starlight's horn glows, and in a flash of light a first-aid kit appears next to you.

The next few minutes are spent in silence as Starlight cleans your wounds, the silence occasionally being broken by a sniffle or two. The silence seems to drag on forever, but soon Starlight relinquishes her hold upon your arm, which was now stitched up and treated with extra love and care.

Not that you deserved that, anyway.

Tears sting at your eyes as you attempt to hold them back, and she notices.

"Anon, if you feel like crying, please do. Please. Just let it all out. When you're ready, we can…we can talk." Starlight's voice is shaky. "Please take as much time as you need."

The two of you sit in silence in the darkened kitchen. No words are spoken, only your quiet sobbing could be heard. Sooner or later, you knew you had to speak.

"Starlight?"

"Yes, Anon, what is it?" She says tentatively.

You pause.

"Do you love me?" You mumble, feeling completely lost.

"Oh Anon…" Starlight wraps you in a tight hug. "My sweet Anonymous, I do. I DO love you, and I always will. Whoever told you otherwise?

You pause. "Me."

Starlight seems taken aback.

"W-What?"

"It's me, Starlight. I'm the problem." You choke. "I cause nothing but pain and misery wherever I go, and this thing we have, it's special. I don't want to end up hurting you, Starlight… you mean too much to me for that to happen." You choke between sobs. "I just…wanted it all to end. It would've been quick, and then maybe it would hurt less for you and everypony else—"

"Anon, you ARE hurting me. Right at this very second." Starlight's voice trembles. "Why would you think such things? You are my world, Anon. My one and only. How could you ever doubt that?"

"The voices don't stop. They never do." You shiver. "I just want them to stop, Starlight. I just want it to all end."

"And it will, Anon. It WILL end. But not like this. NEVER like this." By now, Starlight's tone is desperate, pleading.

"Then how, Starlight?" You plead. "How? How can I find peace?"

"One day at a time." She says in hushed tones, tears spilling down her front. "One day, one minute, one second at a time. You will heal, Anon. And I will be there for you every step of the way."

You stay silent.

"But please, Anon. I need you alive here with me." Her voice begins to quake. "I want us to be able to see good days together. And they will come. Good days will come for the both of us, Anon. Maybe now, it's hard to remember that they do exist at all. Maybe you feel like you won't ever be happy again. But we are, Anon. We will be happy again. I swear by Celestia's Sun, we will be."

Starlight tightens her grip around you.

"But not just the good days. Please let me hold you on days when you can't see the light, when smiling is the hardest thing to do in the world. Please let me be there for you when you feel like no one cares, because I do, Anon. I care about you more than you know, and more than you ever will."

She pauses, drawing one shaky breath.

"Please don't leave me."

You tighten your grip around Starlight in earnest longing. You don't want to let go.

"I don't wanna die, Starlight." You blurt out, your vision obscured with tears. "I don't want to disappear. I just… I just—"

"...You want to be okay." Starlight nods. "I know, Anon. It's what I want too. More than anything."

The two of you hold the embrace, no more words being spoken. What mattered the most right now was that you were safe in her hooves. You weren't going anywhere, and neither was she.

You've got each other.

Author's Note:

To anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide and self-harm, this one goes out to all of you.

Please seek help from friends and family you can trust, and remember that you are never alone in your struggles. There is always hope.

Comments

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

Hugs for all

~Huggles~

[Asylum]

I wonder why there is that voice, what caused us all to hear it I wonder?

[Too Sheep And Less White]

As someone who is kind of going through the same things....minus someone like starlight to encourage me to live, this just feels like fake sympathy. I don't know why but I feel like it has become a tradition for others to sympathize with people going through mental health issues whether they actually mean it or not. Its analogous to someone saying "bless you" when other person sneezes. They don't actually mean that the person who sneezed should get actually blessed by some spiritual higher power, they said it because its either their habit or because it has become a tradition for people to do it. In the same vein, others try to spread encouragement and sympathize with people not even knowing the person and they keep saying that so many times to so many people that the encouragement and sympathy starts to lose their values.....at least this is what I think, I don't know, this might just be my severe depression speaking.

[eiggengrau]

As somepony who is not going through what Anon is experiencing, this struck me as a compassionate treatment of a painful topic. It's perhaps made more difficult to appreciate by the second-person POV. I dunno about anypony else, but reading it in in second-person, my brain is constantly rebelling, "no! That's not how I'll do it!" Heh.

[LordBucket]

Doesn't particularly resonate with me, but seems to me this story is more about feelings of unworthiness than anything else.

Still though, in the context of MLP, Anon talking about "the voices" and how they don't stop...that sounds an awful lot like Anon has been possessed by The Nightmare, and Starlight should be arranging for an exorcism. This turns the story into a Fantastic Aesop, because a human reader who identifies with it probably isn't inhabited by a magical mind parasite.

I'm also a little curious why Starlight was chosen for this story. Given her background, she seems a more natural fit for the "I'm unworthy and deserve to die" role. It's ironic that she's the one doing the comforting rather than the one being comforted. It seems like a missed opportunity to put her in that role reversal, and yet not do anything with it. This story could have shown that she "chose the damaged one" (just like she tried to save Chrysalis) and it could have shown that she was in a singularly unique position to understand Anon's feelings of unworthiness. But this story doesn't do anything with that, and instead casts her in an entirely generic role that could have been filled by anypony.

It's not a bad story. But there are definitely missed opportunities here.

For example, it might have been very interesting to deliberately invoke the Fantastic Aesop angle, and have this story treat entirely non-magical feelings of unworthiness with a magical mind-parasite sort of intervention. "What would happen" if you took somebody with an entirely non-magical affliction, and transported them to a world full of happy colorful ponies with no concept of suicidal depression, but who do have experience with mind parasites like The Nightmare...and suppose they treated it accordingly?

Send Nightmare Moon to Earth and give her therapy and drugs...you maybe wouldn't expect that to restore Luna. But it might if it helped Luna enough and gave her the confidence and self esteem to win her internal struggles. Now take a depressed human and send him to Equestria, surround him by mares telling him they love him and will fight for him, stick him in a magical circles and infuse him with enough magic and love and harmony...that might similarly resolve the situation, even without there being any magical mind parasite to destroy. Do it cleverly enough, and you could even leave both the reader and the character unsure of which interpretation was correct. "The voices, were they real? I'll never know. But they're gone now. Thank you."

It would be interesting to examine that.

[Erynaster]

11484304
Those are some great ideas. Yes, this story definitely could've gone in a different direction, all things considered. Though my choice to have Starlight be in the "comforting" role was not entirely by chance nor a random decision.

Starlight was chosen for this story simply because she's in a position to empathize with Anonymous' growing feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness. Being a former villain herself, Starlight is all too familiar with the feeling of being unable to change your current circumstances, and how overwhelmingly paralyzing it can feel. That being said, it's heavily implied in the story that that was not the first time that Anonymous had heard those severe intrusive thoughts before, and that Starlight is already aware of his suicidal tendencies as a response to the aforementioned feelings of hopelessness. This story is meant to be a look into a portion of Starlight and Anonymous' relationship as they attempt to deal with an already existing conflict that had plagued them for a long time.

[Erynaster]

11484064
11484286
This story is meant to serve as an encouragement mechanism, not a cure nor some magical means to make everything alright for everyone. Anon and Starlight's relationship is meant to show how things COULD be dealt with, and how a supportive relationship COULD function depending on the circumstances.

Not everyone's situation is the same, much the same way how not everyone can empathize or put themselves in the shoes of Anon in this situation. Speaking as someone who suffers from similar things, the vast majority of this story is written around personal insight regarding how it feels to suffer from mental disorders such as severe depression and intrusive thoughts, and how to cope in the face of it. That being said, not everyone's situation is the same, and no matter how accurate or detailed this depiction could be, it won't resonate with everyone in the same way.

[BadassWaffle]

Godspeed.

[ThePinkedWonder]

Ouch. As someone that used to have thoughts of suicide, I can relate with Anon. My situation might have been different but the overall feeling, or essence was about the same.

11484304

I'm also a little curious why Starlight was chosen for this story. Given her background, she seems a more natural fit for the "I'm unworthy and deserve to die" role. It's ironic that she's the one doing the comforting rather than the one being comforted.

IMO in addition to what 11484417 said about how it fits Starlight having her role very well here, stories of Starlight being comforted for feeling worthless or the like are more common than her doing the comforting (even if I've personally used a concept with Starlight being in the comforter role), I thought it was a nice change of pace for her to have the role she did in this story.

Although it could have been even better if her potential feelings for feeling the way Anon was explored more, which you already pointed out. Someone being there for you is great of course and can literally be life-saving, but it does add an extra kick when the person/pony doing it can has, at least to a degree, felt it too, Although I can see it possibly happening in the past, making this kinda like a Remember That You Trust Me situation, which in itself isn't that common in one-shot stories.

Now take a depressed human and send him to Equestria, surround him by mares telling him they love him and will fight for him, stick him in a magical circles and infuse him with enough magic and love and harmony...that might similarly resolve the situation, even without there being any magical mind parasite to destroy. Do it cleverly enough, and you could even leave both the reader and the character unsure of which interpretation was correct. "The voices, were they real? I'll never know. But they're gone now. Thank you."

TBH, again as someone who used to be suicidal, trying to fix suicidal tendencies with magic, even if also done with friendship, downplays how it's really like to overcome suicidal urges in real-life and isn't a good way for a story to handle it. At best, it's taking the easy way out of dealing with it and at worst, disrespectful to the people who had to do it without needing magic to help since meds for mental illnesses don't work like magic and might even work differently than some people might think. For example, the one I'm on for bipolar 2 is an anti-seizure medication that just happens to be able to help with bipolar as basically a beneficial side effect, and if I didn't have bipolar I wouldn't be on them because I've never had a seizure, let alone have epilepsy. And, people with suicidal feelings can have voices in their head like the ones in the story due to how they feel (i.e. strong enough feelings that you're worthless can metaphorically feel like they are telling you're worthless even when you resist it) but they aren't actual voices being heard -- it's your feelings telling you that -- but the story just didn't spell it out.

Lastly, a person that has been there will never forget those voices they used to hear -- I sure haven't -- but simply knows it's not true because those feelings are gone or at least improved. So a story making it like the voices might not have ever been there would cheapen the voices being a part of the story in the first place, since that could apply that the feelings might not have truly been true, even if the fact that the person was worthless or the like was false.

On its own, the idea is good, but not for a story that is dedicated for people that has/had suicidal thoughts

[ThePinkedWonder]

11484064
I kinda know that feeling myself, but given when it's really not fake sympathy, at least it beats the "Get over it" from people who either have low empathy or just don't get it treatment I sometimes see. At least to me anyway.

To be fair, tough love is sometimes needed, but is especially dangerous to give to someone who is suicidal, since it could easily be that last push for them to actually do it. Or, make them suicidal in the first place. If someone was to say "life is tough" too harshly, it would just make the other person think "Then I don't want to play the game of life anyway." Then there's how it can sometimes be best to leave the person alone, though it's tough to tell when someone you don't know but is struggling should be left alone, or when it's better to try to show some kind of support. Especially if, even with the sympathy is genuine, they either won't want to hear it and/or feel like it's fake.

A dilemma to say the least.

[Mrnom]

11489561
I've been to therapy my therapist wanted to put me in shadow mountain for observation cause of .my thought process didn't fit with those who hadn't live real life n wear rose colored glasses.I
I grew up in south Tulsa Oklahoma 61st Peoria where my mom got drunk n piss on everything and would get rape by my dad when she was pass out drunk my father worked as a phone caller and pulled games all day neglecting his children to be unprepared for the real world I was molested at 5 or 6 yrs old by my female babysitter and called a liar by my father n mother when I told them saying I made up a story for attention I almost burned down my apartment around that age to. I've seen dead bodies I've seen hookers crack heads n gang bangers ect ect and you know what I found? After all that why noone help me or my siblings? We're replaceable notting that happen to me or you matters it only matters cause you make it matter.moving along is the right thing to say. The American's voter for biden who is a pedophile and who's son has literal pictures of getting message by underage girls.the lgbt is a pedophile cult that tries to brainwash kids

[Flora Blossom]

My Little Reviews & Feedback I did your review.

[Erynaster]

11493842
Thanks!

[Savant Sentral]

And then you break up because you're not good enough, and you feel more alone than ever.

[unArgentino]

why is this so relatable
The only difference is that i have no one excepto My mother and she will not be with me forever , the others members of My family seems to hate me or don't care about me and the other difference is that i am a sensitive drama king coward
The only thing that i can do is be a "useful" tool and give my mother the life she deserves