"Wait for me," said Jean, pulling the zip on her white hoodie. Max shot her a look, and Twilight rolled her eyes, foreseeing an unneeded argument.
"Jean… I don't think that that's a good idea," Max said calmly, much to Twilight's surprise. Jean smiled, walking across the room toward the others. She put her hand on his shoulder and pressed her forehead against her twin's.
"You know why I'm not going to listen to you right?" she asked, closing her eyes. Max nodded, embracing the grey feathered griffin with his wings. Archangel gave Twilight an impatient nudge, gesturing toward the exit. Large beads of sweat left dark trails down the fur of his face. Twilight gave him a nod and tapped Max on the back, bringing the two siblings out of their small trance.
"Hurry up. We can hug later," Twilight told them and the two nodded, heading over to the window. Max and Jean left together, with Max helping her to fly straight. Twilight got onto David's back, and Archangel followed them out of the window and into the sky. The small group of assassins flew toward the slums as fast as was comfortable for their injured members. Twilight looked back at Archangel, and the look of utter fear on his face unnerved her. He had been avoiding the slums as much as possible since he had returned to Twilight's side after going rogue. It was awkward for him since Max had discovered that he was more or less the leader of all the vagabonds and outcasts that resided there.
There were still approximately three blocks away when Twilight started to hear the sound of screaming coming from the maze of ramshackle houses and abandoned buildings. David put on a burst of speed, pulling up beside the griffin twins.
"Can you see anything?" Twilight asked over the roar of the wind. Max and David shook their heads in unison as they searched for the cause of the disturbance that Archangel had spoken of.
"Everyone I can see is running in the one direction," Jean piped up, "They seem to be heading for the wall,'
"Why aren't they flying?" David enquired, as the group lowered their altitude to get a better look.
"Same reason we usually don't I assume," said Archangel, suddenly appearing between the griffins. Twilight nodded in agreement as she scanned the thin pathways that snaked through the buildings. A tiny sparkle of light caught her eye, one that was moving quickly.
"There are armoured guards down there!" She exclaimed and David set himself into a steep dive, levelling out above the rooftops. Twilight stood up on his back, instructing him to lead to others toward the wall. David nodded, his talons kicking up sparks on the corrugated tin that made up the roof. She hit the metal galloping as the brown griffin took to the sky once more. Twilight headed straight for the nearest laneway, hoping to find a guard she could interrogate. Peering over the rusty guttering, her eyes widened in shock and rage. Below her was a scene she never wished to hear about again. Two guards stood over a white earth pony; she was struggling against one as he tried to pull her toward him, maniacal laughter coming from his friend. The guard that was assaulting the pony had taken the armour off, exposing his underbelly. The white pony cried out for help, a black eye adorned her face and her tail was being held away from her body. With an almighty war cry, Twilight jumped off the roof, landing squarely on the assaulting guard with her back hooves. The skin on his face contorted from the impact as he was forcibly thrown from the pony, who immediately crawled backwards up against a wall.
The guard's head slammed into the wall and with no helmet to protect it, made a very audible crunching noise as it made contact with the concrete. Twilight scrambled to her hooves as the other guard fumbled with his spear, obvious panic written on his face. The unicorn dashed forward, deflecting a wild stab from the spear with her right foreleg, before throwing a left hook that caused the guard to recoil. The white pony behind her let out a squeal.
"Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you Rarity," Twilight yelled, deflecting another stab, this one much more controlled. She uppercut the griffin, his helmet flying off as a result. Twilight quickly gripped the shaft of the spear, using a quick magical blast to break it. Spinning around, Twilight used the top half of the spear to open up the guard's throat. She was panting heavily, watching the guard drown himself with his own blood. Her hooves were shaking as gurgling sounds accompanied the guard's collapse onto the cobblestone path.
A moment passed before Twilight turned to face the white earth pony she had saved. She was cowering amongst some bins that had been stacked against the wall. Twilight bent down to look the pony in the eyes as she slowly took her hooves away from her face.
"Please don't be afraid. I promise I won't hurt you." She panted, hoping that her eye was sufficiently covered. The pony reluctantly looked at her with deep green eyes that were glistening with tears. She threw her arms around Twilight, hugging her tightly and whispering thank you over and over into her ear. Twilight returned the hug, before standing and telling the pony to find somewhere safe to hide.
"Just tell me one thing," said the pony as Twilight started to leave. "You called me Rarity. Who is that?" Twilight let out a long sigh, not turning to look at the mare.
"She's somepony who was in your position and I wasn't there to help her. I… I didn't realise I said that. Now hide, quickly," She said, pulling her hood a little bit lower to hide the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
***
She set off at a gallop; the only indicator of where she was headed in the labyrinthine slums was the enormous wall in front of her that surrounded the city. As she got steadily closer, the sounds of mass panic got louder. Quickly making her way back onto the rooftops so as to give herself a clear run at the wall, Twilight noticed tall plumes of black smoke coming from a spot close to the wall. Putting on an extra burst of speed, she pushed past her exhaustion and the pain from her earlier wounds. She knew she had popped more than a few stitches in the fight, but also knew that it was worth it. When she finally arrived, she realised that she was in the very same park where she and Jean had found Archangel and convinced him to re-join them. The plumes of smoke were the result of multiple bonfires that were dotted around the park. At the far side of the open clearing she spotted four figures in white standing proudly in front of a large crowd of griffins, ponies and other creatures. What appeared to be an entire platoon of fully armoured guards were advancing on them slowly, as though they were waiting for the order to strike. Twilight took off toward her team, still running on the buildings that bordered the clearing. As she got closer, Twilight could see Archangel standing at the forefront, his natural leadership instincts haven taken over. He had his sword gripped tightly in his mouth and all of them had their wings splayed to their fullest extent. An intimidation tactic that was obviously not working. She leapt off the rooftop, rolling as she landed and taking up her position in the middle of the group, beside Archangel and Max. Her eyes narrowed as she spotted the guards whispering to each other in a strange cascade that made its way to the back of the group. A single moment later, a loud voice could be heard above all of the scared citizens behind her, an unnaturally happy voice that sent a chill down the unicorn's spine. The group of guards parted to a very old and skinny griffin in a dark green robe that was practically dancing toward her. Twilight gave Archangel a quizzical look, only to receive a shrug in return as the griffin let out a shrill laugh when he got to the front of the group.
"Oh my god! Is it really you? Dusk, the infamous avenger of the weak and helpless in the city of New Grifburg. Assassin of a prince and an apparent immortal," he exclaimed, his face suddenly becoming very serious.
"Nice to know I have a fan," replied Twilight, trying to keep him talking until she could come up with some sort of a plan.
"I wouldn't call myself a 'fan.' More along the lines of a begrudging admirer. I applaud your skills at disposing of your enemies, but I really dislike the way you are upsetting the status quo. Like now for example. Princess Gilda wants this dungpile of a suburb levelled so that she can erect a wonderful new arena for her subjects to enjoy. It will have everything; Hobos fighting to the death, rabid manticores, free popcorn on Saturdays, It will be great!" he yelled, once again becoming extremely happy, even making a point of throwing his hands into the air and fist pumping as he talked about the arena. Twilight looked down the line at Jean, who was gripping a small dagger so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
"So what about all of these people behind me?" asked Archangel, embedding his sword in the ground so he could speak. The griffin's face changed back into a serious expression and his red eyes seemed to be looking into Twilight's very soul.
"The ones that resist; die. The ones that don't get a chance at glory in the arena," he told him, and a scowl spread across Twilight's face. All of a sudden, Archangel had his mouth next to her ear and was whispering.
"David just informed me that this is Councillor Ignatius and apparently is a major psychopath, however, his sanitation reforms are revolutionary," Twilight raised an eyebrow, only to receive a shrug in response.
"This doesn't have to go this way Ignatius. Just walk away and no one has to get hurt. You can just tell Gilda that the slums are under our protection," she declared, stamping her hoof on the ground. Ignatius looked at the guard next to him, one that was adorned with many a medal and was obviously the leader. He suddenly snorted, as the two started to laugh hysterically. Twilight's eye twitched in embarrassment and frustration.
"W-what kind of pony do you think you are?" Ignatius asked, holding his side as another wave of laughter hit him. Twilight's horn glowed as she let out a low growl, a silver flash flying out of the folds of her cloak and hitting the guard leader right between the eyes. Ignatius let out a gasp as the guard's eyes crossed to look at the knife that had become embedded in his face, before they rolled into the back of his head and he collapsed.
"No second chances, that's what kind of pony I am," said Twilight flatly. Ignatius' expression went serious once more, but his eyes narrowed as he stared at Twilight.
"Very well… You want war? Then have it, but you must know that you will not survive,"
"If I die… Then I die knowing that it was for a cause that I truly believed in. One that sought to bring about a new and better way of life for those that had never had it previously. And I think that I speak for all of my team when I say ; We are prepared for that," she said proudly, as Archangel, Max, Jean and David took a step forward, smirks appearing on all of their faces.
"It. Is. On," Twilight said as she started to charge.
1386752
That is definitely my third favourite trailer. My second fave is the live action assassins creed 3 'rise' trailer, and then the E3 AC3 trailer.
I have to say, while I enjoy the city and the battles, I find the story lacking in the character development department. One way to tell if your story has well developed characters is to try and describe them without saying what they look like or what there job is. The only one of the OC's I can sort of do this with is Jean and the only thing I can say about her is she is more kind than anyone else. Now take for example Rainbow Dash who is; brash, hotheaded, heavily competitive, cocky/arrogant, boorish and of course loyal. Rainbow obviously has the advantage of two seasons of a show to develop, but I hope my point sinks in. I've noticed that you often times put in character elements like the relationship between Max and David, but they always seem rushed and glossed over. I think overall, you need to give more dialogue variance between the characters and have them respond in their characters. Perhaps, since I assume that you know the characters personalities, you could try an exercise where you have each of the characters respond to a short piece of dialogue in there own particular way.
Aside from the character thing I feel like the story is pretty good and that the city has a natural feel to it.
I hope that helps.
1395676
This helps a lot. And thank you. I really do love it when people take the time to help me out. And as for what you are saying about character development. I'll try and flesh out their personalities in coming chapters. Although, I'm not sure what you meant by 'an exercise where you have each of the characters respond to a short piece of dialogue in there own particular way.'
Don't suppose you would mind elaborating a bit for me?
1397054 What I meant by that was for you to take a situation(anything would suffice) and put your characters in them and write how they would react. take for example. The situation; the character walks up to a bouncer to get into a club and he tells them to buzz off.
Character: Rainbow Dash. Rainbow bumps into the burly stallion twice her size mid stride and stumbles back. "Hey, what the deal buddy!" she yells. The stallion looks down slowly and evaluates her for a moment before responding. "You're not allowed in here, the club's full." His voice booms over even the loud music just behind him. Rainbow furrows her and takes an agressive stance. "Do you know who you're talking to numbskull!" she suddenly takes a strikingly valiant pose and puffs her chest out, "I'm the fastest flier in Equestria and the element of loyalty! That means I've saves your sorry flank at least two times!" She storms off "I'll find a better place than this dump anyway." She says with a huff.
Character: Fluttershy. Fluttershy bumps into the burly stallion twice her size mid stride and stumbles back. She slowly draws her gaze up the stallion's massive frame while shrinking visibly. When she meets his cold stare her eyes shrink and she starts to shake. "Oh... I'm so so so sorry," with each she takes a small step back, "I... um... didn't see..." she doesn't finish her sentence before darting off leaving a cloud of Yellow dust and a confused Bouncer.
The purpose is to help bring you're internalized character to writing as well as helping to define their differences.
Hope that helps.
1397176
That does indeed. Thanks, I'll see what I can come up with.
1406333 What will they Dusk Do???
Dat Doctor Who reference.
So is this done now? You marked it complete.
1418625
You know me.. All the references!! And It is? I didn't know that. I'll change it. Thanks for picking it up.