Spike, Discord, and Secret Admirers

Twilight’s recently been getting letters from a secret admirer lately, and Spike makes it his mission to find out who they’re from… along with Discord’s help apparently.

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ThePinkedWonder

ThePinkedWonder #1 · Jan 11th, 2023 · · ·

Twilight got herself a secret admirer. This could be interesting.

Starlight Fan

Starlight Fan #2 · Jan 11th, 2023 · · ·

11475052
Anything to say about this chapter?

New_Skater_3000

New_Skater_3000 #3 · Jan 12th, 2023 · · ·

Loving it honestly. Hearing Discord saying simp is definitely a highlight. Can't wait for more! /)

Catpaw616

Catpaw616 #4 · Jan 12th, 2023 · · ·

“That’s it?!” Discord asked incredulously as they left the boutique, “You seriously trust Rarity’s word so easily?! You’re more of a simp than I thought.”

Baha he said it

ThePinkedWonder

ThePinkedWonder #5 · Jan 20th, 2023 · · ·

11475566

I didn't say it, but as for the chapter itself overall I liked how Discord tried to interrogate Rarity and how Disord and Spike interacted.

From a more constructive standpoint, I would say that "soon" was overused. Here are some of what I mean.

Twilight wasn’t surprised that Derpy crashed inside the castle again, she definitely respected the blonde haired pegasus but she wasn’t really the most coordinated.
Derpy soon happily gave Twilight an envelope to which she levitated towards her.

Soon Starlight and Spike walked in the hallway where Twilight was as Starlight smirked playfully,

“I better go work on some notes for my next lecture. It was a good read though.” Twilight told her two roommates before levitating the note to Spike, “Here Spike. I think you can figure out something to do with this.”
Twilight soon teleported out of the room, leaving Spike and Starlight alone.

Lo and behold, Rarity soon opened the door and smiled at Spike, “Ooh, hello there Spikey Wikey…” she then turned to Discord hovering above them as well and gained a raised eyebrow, “Discord? It’s odd to see you here.”

To be fair, it is really easy to overuse it since it's so easy to slap in, and having some is okay and sometimes it might even feel unavoidable. I find that a lot of time, describing more on what something as it happens can take out the need to say "soon, X did this." for example, take what's below:

Twilight wasn’t surprised that Derpy crashed inside the castle again, she definitely respected the blonde haired pegasus but she wasn’t really the most coordinated.
Derpy soon happily gave Twilight an envelope to which she levitated towards her.

That could be said as something like this. It doesn't have to be said exactly this way and I'm just throwing this out off the top of my head.

Twilight wasn’t surprised that Derpy crashed inside the castle again, she definitely respected the blonde haired pegasus but she wasn’t really the most coordinated.
Derpy was a tough mare, however, which he proofed by standing to her hooves, shaking her head as she fully regained her bearings, and picking up one of her envelopes with her teeth, directing it toward Twilight. The latter she levitated towards her.

That did use more words, but it at least didn't have to use "soon". Alternatively, there were times "soon" could have been taken out, such as here,

Lo and behold, Rarity soon opened the door and smiled at Spike, “Ooh, hello there Spikey Wikey…” she then turned to Discord hovering above them as well and gained a raised eyebrow, “Discord? It’s odd to see you here.

Since the "lo and behold" was implying that things were happening in real-time (as far as past-tense is concerned anyway), the "soon" really didn't need to be there, which I will show below.

Lo and behold, Rarity opened the door and smiled at Spike, “Ooh, hello there Spikey Wikey…” she then turned to Discord hovering above them as well and gained a raised eyebrow, “Discord? It’s odd to see you here.

Although without the "lo and behold", saying "Rarity soon opened the door" would have been more suitable as things were.

Still another way using "soon" could be avoided is if a character can simply do an action immediately. Take this from the story.

“Not gonna happen.” Starlight rolled her eyes, “I don’t feel like messing with this type of stuff. Sorry Spike, but I’m gonna sit this one out.”
Starlight soon walked off much to Spike’s annoyance, he could have used some help in this quest but now he’d probably have to find out the secret admirer on his own.

Here, Starlight could have just excused herself and left or simply left after saying what she did, averting having to say "she soon walked off". She could have done it in this way:

“Not gonna happen.” Starlight rolled her eyes, “I don’t feel like messing with this type of stuff. Sorry Spike, but I’m gonna sit this one out. I'll see you later.” Starlight walked off much to Spike’s annoyance; he could have used some help in this quest but now he’d probably have to find out the secret admirer on his own.

On a side note, you may have noticed my version has a semi-colon after "Starlight walked off much to Spike’s annoyance" That's because it should have been a semi-colon anyway, not a comma, which you had there.

At any rate, I hope that helps.

Hoofprintz