• Published 20th Dec 2022
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Haunting The Zebra Plains - Jest



In the red/blue version of pokemon it says this about haunter: "Haunter can pass through solid walls. It is because of this that it is believed it is from another dimension." A fact I can confirm for you, personally.

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A Poor Man's Team Rocket

Squeezing through the crack and out the other side, I willed myself to return to my full size once more. Once that was done, I looked around to find that at the end of a decrepit overgrown hallway, the temple ended. The dozen meters or so of temple left was in a sorry state of repair, with fallen masonry and smashed statues littering the ground. Beyond that was what looked to be a jungle, with tall trees, large ferns, numerous vines, and green for as far as I could see.

There were also three equine creatures standing in a small clearing near the entrance to the temple, or perhaps tomb was a better word for it. Either way, the trio was arguing quite loudly with one another, none even glancing back in my direction. Taking advantage of their poor focus, I crept a little closer, watching them while listening in on their conversation.

“You go in,”

“No, you!”

“You have the least seniority, you go in first!’

“I am carrying all the survival gear. I can't go first!”

“Then drop it and let me carry it!”

Back and forth it went, with hooves being pointed at one another and jabs being thrown.

Observing them a little closer, I noted that they looked rather out of place in the jungle. For one they were ponies or were at least closely related, as they were a little leaner, and a little taller than the ones I remembered. I wasn't sure how I came up with that assertion, given my complete lack of a frame of reference but it felt true enough so I stuck with it.

Either way, they were tall, with long legs, more angular features, and no cutie marks to be seen. Their eyes were also smaller, and none of them had wings or a horn. They also all wore some manner of clothing, though it didn't cover their entire bodies. Probably for the best, because I could tell this jungle was hot, given how sweaty they were.

I, however, was completely unbothered, though I could feel that there was indeed a warm, humid breeze. That small realization made me want to explore my own physiology a little more, but I held back a bit. Instead, I focused on observing them, brushing aside any stray thoughts that threatened to distract me from my goal.

The first creature, who I decided I was going to keep referring to as a pony until I learned otherwise, was the tallest of the bunch. His face was long, and narrow, and he had a grizzled look to him punctuated by the five o clock shadow I noted on his dirt brown face. The distinctly male pony had a piercing gaze to him, his yellow eyes containing both malice and cunning in equal measure.

He wore an old fedora, the kind you saw in gangster movies from the fifties, along with a red bandana around his neck. The next pony wore something similar, though his was oddly more modern than his counterpart. Where the first pony had a cowboy look to him, this guy was like some slick movie star from the eighties, complete with reflective black shades.

He wore just the collar of a suit jacket, held there by a loosely tied strip of purple fabric. His greyish-white fur stuck out in the sea of green, as did his slicked-back black mane. A style he shared with the third and final pony in the little cadre of temple divers.

Only where the second pony’s mane was pressed firmly against his scalp, this rather large, barrel-chested dark green pony had a bit more volume to his deep orange mane. With wide, stocky features and a thick jaw, the final pony was the most physically intimidating of the bunch. This was added to by his long sideburns, and the leather jerkin he had on.

“Well the boss put me in charge,” the cowboy gangster pony declared. “And I say that you go in, Stock.”

The largest pony grumbled, and seemed ready to argue, but bit back his retort at the last moment.

“Fine,” he muttered. “But I want first dibs on any loot we find.”

“So long as this ain't the tomb of the ragged king,” his leader retorted. “Cus if it is, the real big boss is gonna want to see it, and he's gonna want every last speck of dust for his collection.”

“Yeah yeah,” the large male dismissed. “We’ve plundered a dozen of these stupid zebra temples already. I know the routine.”

“And make sure you don't forget it. I don't want a repeat of last time,” declared the leader.

The large man grunted in anger, gesturing towards the mostly silent glasses-wearing male. “That wasn't me, Barrels here is the one that tried to pocket the skull of Agamoto.”

“What? No one told me I couldn't,” retorted the third stallion. “In fact, I remember you bein in charge of rememberin those kindsa things, Lock.”

The gangster pony groaned. “Augh, we can play the blame game later. We ain't far from that dirt hole village but I don't want to get stuck out here when the sun goes down. Since someone didn't pack the tent I asked him to.”

“Just get on with it already,” Barrels shouted.

Taking this as my cue to introduce myself, I floated out of the darkness and smiled as sincerely as I could muster. “Greetings gentleman. Maybe I could be of assistance,” I began.

I kinda thought these guys were grave robbers, but that didn't mean they couldn't be useful to me. I planned on prying them for information about the local area, culture, and people. I also hoped to get some kind of monetary reward out of it all, even if the idea of robbing that tomb didn't sit well with me.

Doesn't matter. They can't actually get through that collapsed section anyway. I thought.

Rather than be intrigued by my proposition, they reacted with fear, and panic, stumbling backward into the jungle.

“What in the heck is that?” Barrels shouted, pulling down his shades to look up at me.

“I dunno. Never seen a summon like that before,” Stock offered.

Lock elbowed the larger stallion and grinned. “That's a ghost type. A naturally occurring summon that guards the tombs of lost zebra kings. This is it, this is the place!”

I cleared my throat. “I’m not sure why you're talking about me as if I’m not here, but that's quite rude you know.”

“Oh look, it's tryin to tell us something. Maybe it's demanding we turn around,” Barrels muttered.

“Stupid summon. We can't understand your gibberish,” Stock remarked, causing his fellows to laugh.

I was growing more annoyed by the second but decided not to lash out. At least, not yet anyway. Floating down to the ground, I located a section of dirt and extended a finger into the muddy ground. A few gestures later, my message was complete and I gestured to it encouragingly.

“I think it wrote something,” Stock murmured.

“Looks like gibberish to me,” Barrels added.

“Probably only understands zebra,” Stock replied.

“That's not what their language is called… ahh it doesn't matter. Someone capture it so we can use it to plunder this temple,” Lock ordered.

“Oh that would make this all so much easier,” Stock agreed.

“It's a good thing I packed plenty of extra capture matrixes,” Barrels declared.

The movie star pony trotted over to where he had deposited his saddlebags and pulled out a handful of stones covered with weird glyphs. Though square, they resembled pokeballs in the way that they were split in half down the middle with the top being gold and the bottom a reddish rusty color. They also pulsed with a strange and almost malevolent energy that I found repulsive though I wouldn't be able to tell you why.

“Now I know you didn't say what I thought you just said,” I declared, arms crossed over the spot where my chest would be.

“I don't think it liked that,” Stock exclaimed.

Barrels rolled his eyes and handed him a bunch of the fist-sized stones. “I don't care what it wants. Boss wants that tomb, and we got a free ticket inside if we can catch it,” Barrels retorted.

“Remember, hit it in the middle and then force your will on it. The harder you focus the easier the capture is,” Lock declared.

“You know what, I’m just gonna go now,” I muttered, mostly to myself as I knew they couldn't actually understand me anyway.

“Now!” Lock shouted.

With a groan, I turned back around just in time to see the opening salvo of rocks fly at my face. They weren't exactly difficult to dodge for the most part, though I did notice that Lock had much better aim than the others. His stone flew right at me with just enough force that I didn't have time to avoid it.

Acting on impulse, I batted it aside, only I didn't actually use my hand to do so. Rather some kind of force extended from me and brushed it out of the way well before it entered my reach. The realization that I had some limited telekinesis was nice, but I stowed that thought for now as a certain group was determined to enslave me.

Now that I knew I had such a power, it was incredibly easy to turn away the projectiles long before they got close. I even broke the majority of the glyph-colored rocks, whipping them against the stony floor below me. After the fourth stone exploded in a shower of sparks and dust, Lock held up a hoof, stopping the group.

“Hold up. We can't waste any more of these things, otherwise, it's comin out of our pay,” Lock warned.

“But we haven't caught it yet,” Stock pointed out.

“I mean we could just beat it into submission first,” Barrels added.

“Exactly what I was thinking. Break out our summons, all of 'em,” Lock declared.

I raised a nonexistent eyebrow, my interest piqued. Pokemon always understood one another in the anime, and every other assumption I had made based on prior knowledge had worked. So, with that in mind, I stopped my retreat and waited as the group pulled out a couple more stones. These were slightly different however and glowed with a faint reddish light that emanated from the line dividing the two halves of the rock.

“Alright team, let's add a new member to the roster,” Lock exclaimed.

I half expected them to toss out a single pokemon but was unsurprised when they instead released a half dozen of the things. They did seem like team rocket types, so that made sense, even if it initially set me a bit on edge. Then I actually looked at them, and immediately relaxed, since they were all normal types.

There was a purple and white rat the size of a dog, and a purple and orange snake that was slightly larger. They were joined by a bipedal cat with a coin on its head, an eyeless bat with no legs, and a giant mouth. Then finally there was a diminutive humanoid with fins on his head which I recognized as machop.

I couldn't help it, I laughed at the predictable lineup the team rocket wannabes had arranged before me. An action that unnerved the ponies, and annoyed the band of hopeless losers lined up on the forest floor.

“Hey, shut your yap you sentient fart!” shouted the meowth.

I blinked and looked down. “Excuse me?”

“I said shut it, or we’ll make you shut it,” Meowth declared.

“Yeah!” shouted machop.

“Wait, you guys actually want to beat and enslave me? Why you don't even know me?” I demanded.

“The boss wants you and what the boss wants, the boss gets,” Meowth proclaimed.

“Yeah!” Machop yelled.

“Pluss I don't like the look of you,” Ekans added.

“What does that mean?” I retorted.

“Enough talk, take him down, you guys!” Lock demanded.

I rolled my eyes and watched as the pokemon threw rocks, bits of debris, or small boulders if you were machop. All of which I phased through without breaking a sweat, I didn't even bother to avoid the rather predictable series of attacks. Ekans spat something gross at me, but the greenish liquid didn't have enough force to hit me and fell uselessly on the ground.

“Really?” I asked.

“It's no use,” Stock muttered.

“Wait, Zuby, use that leech thing!” Barrels demanded.

“Right boss!” The Zubat rather affectionally referred to as Zuby declared.

I then watched as the eyeless thing flapped a few more times before launching what looked like a wad of spit at me. Only this ball of gunk defied the laws of physics and ignored gravity, never slowing one bit during its travel. That was until it hit me, bounced off, and returned to zubat, leaving me with a faint stinging sensation.

“Wow. If you do that a hundred more times I just might get annoyed,” I remarked.

“Zubat, keep using it!” Barrels declared.

“Nah, I feel like it's my turn by now,” I retorted.

I summoned up all the irritation, annoyance, and hate I felt for these dollar-store dummies. I then channeled this energy outward, hoping to use hypnosis, or something. Honestly, I was flying by the seat of my pants and was just hoping that something was going to happen.

Thankfully my desperate hopes came true, as a roiling wave of deep purple energy cascaded off my extended arms. Growing larger, it turned into a misty fog, and swallowed up everything in its path, from trees to pokemon, to unfortunate ponies. I wasn't exactly sure what this did, as the attack didn't seem like anything that Haunter was capable of. The closest thing was nightshade, but I couldn't remember diddly about that move except that it got better with levels.

Though I didn't know what it did, my opponents sure did, as I could hear screaming coming from the fog. A moment later it cleared, allowing me to see the pokemon and their owners running from the battle. Tails tucked quite literally between their legs, they sprinted away as fast as their legs or limbs could carry them.

“Huh,” I muttered, a grin crossing my face.

Speeding off after them, I caught up quickly and floated slightly behind them, readying my next attack. Repeating the same motions as before, I summoned up all the petty, vindictive spite I could muster. Once more purple smoke billowed forth, and once more my foes began to scream in absolute terror.

Not like they ever stopped screaming, mind you, but rather it returned to that same fever pitch as in the beginning. The sound brought a cruel smile to my face. Immediately I made up my mind to follow these guys back to their base. There I would torment whoever the person in charge was until they went back to wherever they came from.

I’m going to enjoy this. I thought to myself.

Author's Note:

This is part of the 12 days of christmas, head over here to keep track of all the cool stuff coming down the pipes. If you want to ensure I can afford to keep doing stuff like this, consider backing me over on Subscribestar or Patreon.