Chapters (3)
- Member Since 25th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen May 1st, 2012
Jayswing103
Just your average teenage brony.
Jayswing103
Joined 25th Dec, 2011 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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we really need more one piece cross overs
Grammatical errors galore. A new speaker requires a new paragraph, and you should not break anyone characters speech into multiple paragraphs. For example:
She swooped down to the library and frantically started knocking on the door. When Twilight opened it she accidentally got a hoof to the face. Rainbow sheepishly looked at her while she said, "Sorry."
"It's fine Rainbow." she said rubbing her sore muzzle. "So what is it?" she questioned.
"I need to send a letter to the princess immediately." said Rainbow her voice growing more worried. Twilight noticed the change of tone in her voice and started to get worried too. What could make her friend so upset?
Very very good. Nice writing style, I kinda like the different POV thing, and I've been waiting for a one piece fic for a while. Keep it up.
Yeah, one thing is every time there's a new speaker, put it on a different line. It makes it much easier to read. Other than that, good show!
Besides all the grammatical errors, like when you misspelled "preparing" and "steering" in the first paragraph to describe the actions of the Straw Hats, this is a really EPIC crossover story! Please continue it!
This fic has potential, I'd love to see the Isle of Equestria as one of Luffy's adventures on the Grand Line. The underlying idea is solid, but it needs work overall. Some constructive criticism if you don't mind and I think this story could be vastly improved.
Whiteeyes is right about the grammar problems, but there are several other problems you need to fix as well.
A. The spelling. I would suggest either writing in Microsoft Word with the spellchecker on or getting Google Chrome which has spellchecker built into it.
B. Princess Celestia is way out of character. Without any investigation she just marches up to a ship and commands an attack. Even if you're using the Tyrant Celestia trope, at least she'd go about it smarter. You don't rule a kingdom for centuries by being stupid. A minor aside as well, she isn't that much of a pushover. A single punch (presumably a Gum-gum pistol) without Luffy even in Second Gear knocks her out. She can raise the sun and has studied magic for more than a thousand years. I think an immortal sorceress would put up a little more of a fight even if she lost.
C. The sudden shifts in POV. It's an interesting mechanic if well done, but you severely overuse it. The reader doesn't need to see the same four scenes from both points of view. It's one thing to write one scene from one POV then switch in the next, but you can display the opposite side's reactions from one POV and then reflect on the previous scene in the next with the reactions carrying over. Hmm ... that sounds a little confusing how about an example?
Suddenly she fainted, and Luffy started getting worried. "Chopper! I think I punched her too hard! Come help her!"
"Right," he responded grabbing his medical kit.
He walked over to the large horse to examine her, but someone spoke up, "Don't touch her!"
He turned to see a purple horse. He could tell she was scared. "Don't worry. I'm a doctor. A doctor's obligation is to help anyone in need. I won't harm her." he promised and continued walking.
----------- (POV shift)
Twilight watched as the strange reindeer went to work. He opened a small doctor's bag and began examining the Princess. What were these creatures? The leader had defeated her mentor, the most powerful being in Equestria, with a single hit. Then one of his crew began to tend to her. Twilight wasn't sure what scared her more, the power that this bizarre pirate held or that he was so confident in his strength that he could afford to be kind to his enemies.
Twilight bit her lip. The pirate's leader, the one in the straw hat, was walking over to her. Her heart began pounding, and she began to sweat. She knew she needed to be strong, to stand up for her home and teacher, but she couldn't help but be afraid of this warrior. Twilight flinched as he put one of his powerful hands on her head and ruffled her mane.
"Hi!" he said cheerfully, "I'm Luffy. What's your name?"
End example. See what I mean?
D. Flat language. In the example above you used the sentence "He [Chopper] could tell she [Twilight] was scared." It's not that the sentence is bad, it's just uninteresting. Add some descriptive phrases to it. For example.
He could hear her heart beating from there. or Her face was a mask of fear, but Chopper spoke calmly, hoping to reassure her.
End example.
Looking back I actually gave you similar advice when this story first appeared on fanfiction.net. You did include POV breaks and clean up the grammar a little it looks like but many of the same problems remain. That's too bad. This story and you as an author have a lot of potential. Just try a few things I suggested and I'm sure it'll shape up.
PM me if you have any questions.
I don't believe Gear Second is used like that. Luffy only uses Gear Second on his opponents, not for something like a race. Could be revised, this chapter is about the weakest. Hope you improve.
sigh
Why can't they be more One Piece/ Pony fics? There have to be more
I will have to remedy this some day
This is amazing. oh and to celebrate your work Heres a little song i think you know.
-WW
If ever use Bink's Sake in this storty, then Heres the English Lyrics (more or Less).
-WW
316004
I beg to differ. This IS a fanfic after all, so take it easy, and honestly, I can see Luffy doing that...besides, has Luffy actually turned down any serious challenge? Even as something as trivial as this, Luffy doesn't take very well to losing. And it's not like he would go and beat up the nation. I thought It was brilliant. Besides grammatical errors of course, but that's fine. Enjoy these mustaches.
I can´t stop imagine the face of Both Twi and Rainbow whan Luffy wins the race
414048 Now Twilight wonders how a non-unicorn is able to ''teleport''...
thank ou we eed the one piece
320910Omg just found this comment while searching for more One Piece crossovers. You totally did remedy it.
Not bad, though you need an editor. Like, badly.
Question: Is this pre- or post-timeskip?
Also, there's only one "s" in Usopp's name.
IM A RUBBER MAN (STRETCHES FACE)
Just an opinion here dont get offended please I think you are making the chapters go a lil to fast but other than that i really dont see a lot of issues.
maybe slow it down a tad bit and more detail into things like that fight scen was way too fast.
Its soooo hard to find any one piece stories with Luffy. Please, I beg you to get an editor, or at least go over this chapter! I noticed quite a few spelling errors and to me the pacing was pretty fast. Other than that I enjoyed it.
Going to the next chapter now.
3072380 I read your comment and lol'ed so hard.
3246603 I agree with this person author. I'm sticking with this story because I think it has good potential but it would help if you tried to slow down and draw out the story more.
mmmmmm I give you 3 out of 5 mustaches.
Not bad, but if you haven't been making any new chapters then could you at least give us a summery?
No description?