Stuck in Equestria

by Gaming_Knight

Welcome to Manehatten (Edited)

I awoke slowly, head spinning, and there was red liquid on the dash. Shit, that better not be mine. I felt my head and found the same red liquid. Yep, that’s my blood… shit, I must have hit my head… I looked around and realized my sixties muscle car nose down in a river bank. Damn it! I just had the paint job fixed… I glanced around a moment more and then sighed. The car had stopped running, so that meant it was dead.

I decided now was as good a time as any to actually get my rear out of the car and look for civilization (and maybe an aspirin). In the distance, a large city loomed, while on the other side there was a large ocean. -sigh- Better start walking. I reached inside the car and opened the backup computer since O.W.E.N. wasn’t responding.

"Computer, activate the flex shield." As confirmation, a low hum filled my ears. The shield wasn’t gonna hold for as long as it would have before the crash, but I knew it would hold for the time being. I grabbed my guitar and other essentials before walking toward the city. However, as soon as I entered the city, I noticed something really, REALLY weird...

Ponies. Lots of them. Everywhere. Mingling and walking around as humans would do.

Then someone screamed and I found a mare pointing a shaking hoof at me. Crap. I immediately threw up my hands in surrender.

"I mean you no harm," I shouted getting on my knees. Please don’t call the Calvary on me… Then, a pony clad in golden armor walked over. Damn it… "I just need to know where I am! I’m a traveler from Las Vegas." The soldier stared at me for a moment.

"I don't know what you are but...Welcome to Manehatten."

"Manehatten..." I said wondering if that was a play on the name Manhatten. "What is the name of this country?"
"Equis."
"President?"
"Um, we have Princesses. Celestia and Luna."

I was about to ask another question when suddenly, there was a splash of red liquid and an arrow in the guard's neck. I stood and turned towards where the arrow had come from. Atop a building, a shadow vanished from view. A few more guards appeared a moment later.

"Still Warrior! -checks pulse- He’s dead…” Oh snap, James thought, I hope they don’t think I did this…
“We need to inform the captain."
"What do we tell him?" one asked.

I smiled.

"Tell him I'm in pursuit." I jumped to the top of the building and took off after the murderer. "STOP!" I called. But they kept going. I tapped into my elemental powers and everything slowed down.

Welp, as long as I’ve got the time, I guess I’ll just take a quick look around. I mean, sure, I could catch this idiot now, but… where’s the fun in that? He’s not going anywhere fast… well, actually, he’s galloping as fast as his legs will carry him… but that’s irrelevant compared to my super speed. So I took a “quick” look around.

First I noticed this castle-looking building made of crystals. "It wasn't as big as a typical castle, but it's still probably the largest building in this entire town." I noticed several other ponies just going about life in slow motion. A pony was selling something that looked like apple beer, but the sign said apple cider. Sure, whatever you say. Then I saw a mare who seemed to be sitting in a very familiar to me way… Why is she sitting like a human? As I continued to watch these normal ponies going about their normal lives, something dawned on me.

You know, everyone here has something I don’t… a choice. A Normal life. A chance to just live and not worry about things like good or evil or even rifts in the space-time continuum sucking them into another dimension!!!"… or having to catch MuRdErErS!!!!! That’s when I noticed that the stallion was still very slowly running away.

Oh yeah, still gotta catch that guy…

Have you ever seen one of those football slow replays of an epic touchdown? The quarterback is running to keep up with the ball, he leaps for the end, catches the ball, and slams down into the ultimate touchdown! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!!

Well yeah, catching the stallion was kind of like that… except he’s the ball, there’s no crowd cheering your name, and upon touchdown I put the knife from my cybernetic arm to his throat.

"Who hired you!" I asked.
"I'll never talk!" the gruff stallion replied.
“Are you so sure? I have my ways of making people talk.” James retorted.
“But I’m a- woah!” At that moment, James hoisted the nameless stallion up by the mane and precariously dangled him over the edge of the 10 story building.
"Tell. Me. NOW." James shouted spewing a few drops of spit and shaking the body while we’re at it.

"I can tell you."

what the jfksbejdn?!?!? I almost dropped the stallion. No one sneaks up on me that easily! I glanced over to spy a purple mare with a messy blue mane and a horn peeking through it. A unicorn. I realized, my mythology knowledge coming back to me.

"You can put him down. He's just a small time compared to the Big Stallion," she said. "I'm Sharp Shooter. Best shot in Manehatten." Sharp said with a cocky arrogance in her tone. I set the other pony down and he made a break for it. The mare had my full attention.

"Go on." I encouraged.
"I used to work for him, but I’ll never sell him out to… whatever you are."
"A human." I stated plainly.

Somewhere in the distance, I think I heard another mare shout something like “I TOLD YOU THEY WERE REAL!!!” but I don’t know what that was about…

“You got a name, human?” Sharp asked.
"Monroe, James Monroe." now would’ve been a good time to have the last name Bond…

Sharp Shooter stared at me for a moment.
"James huh? Alright, James, the crime boss around here is very elusive. However, all you need to know is he is don’t mess with him, or you’ll get killed."
"Seems like he just sends lackeys like you to do his dirty work."

She opened her mouth to say something, but then she froze for a moment.
"Not something I'm proud of," she mumbled just enough that I could hear. "Let’s go somewhere more conversational shall we?" she offered.

---

We both sat in a small bar at a table near the back.
“The BS-“
“Wait a minute,” James interrupted, “did you just call him bs?”
“Yes, and it suits him well because I want him dead. Very dead.” Sharp Shooter replied.
“Is there any way I can help?” I asked.
“Hmm, I’ll think about it…” Sharp answered.
“In my line of work, that usually means no.”

Then I saw a mic stand on the stage vacant. I grabbed my guitar and walked up. Moving it up to my height I gave a test strum of my guitar and then took a breath and began to sing.

“You know I want to help.”

“What is he doing?” Sharp asked to no one in particular.

“It’s not a secret I try to hide.” Insert dramatic strum here. “I know you want me. So don’t keep saying ‘I’ll think about it’!” Bum da da dum “You think I must be insane, to think that I could ever be good and help and be trustworthy. But I’m here and I’m fast, so don’t keep me waiting for looonger than one minute thirtyyyyyyy!”

“What are you doing?!” Sharp asked.

“How can we kiiiiiill theeeee big boss! With a bit of heeeeelp frooom me. There’s no way that ooouuur plaaan could fail, that is, if we-ee had a plan.” We do still need a plan…
“It’s up to you, and it’s up to me, and no one can tell us that we’re craaaazy. So how can heeeelp you kiiill the big boooss? Just leeeet me help you kill Big Boss. TONIGHT!!!” Bwaaa daaa da, bwaaa daaa daaaaaa… BIG STRUM FINISH!!!!

Once I had finished I walked back over to the table. She had her mouth open as did all the other patrons.
"That was..."
"Amazing?" I offered. "One of my many talents."
"You spoil yourself," she remarked.
"I know but back to business. I don't have a place to stay." Yet another lack of planning… though you can’t really plan for getting sucked into an inter-dimensional portal…
"You can crash at my place if you want."
"Nice. Lead the way." Together we walked off into the fading afternoon.

Author's Note:

Hey everyone this story has spent a lot of time on paper and I am just now putting it out there with a LOT of revisions to the OG. I wanted to try and make this better but with a lack of an editor (For Now), I have to be creative and have been using Grammarly since it served me well in the past. So please comment and leave your feedback it all helps.
Thanks
-Knight

Comments

[Dinosaur12]

Got to say, good story so far. I do think that it's going a little too fast. But keep on going with this story of yours, I wonder what's next for James

[6-D Pegasus]

Interesting premise so far, though that first chapter went by wayyy to quickly xD, could've used a little more buildup.
Of course it's up to you, but usually I'd put your prologue to at least a thousand words to properly introduce the main character in. Same for this first chapter, I'd recommend taking it a little slower and being a tad more descriptive in some areas.

Moving it up to my height I gave a test strum of my guitar and then took a breath and began to sing. Once I had finished I walked back over to the table. She had her mouth open as did all the other patrons.

This bit went from "began to sing" to "Once I had finished" immediately. For something like a song, I'd recommend at least taking a paragraph to describe a little more of what you're singing. Doesn't have to be specific or anything, but something like mentioning the tone, the pace, the rhythm would've added a lot more to this moment! James is singing while playing the guitar at the same time; at least one of those could've been explored in a bit more detail.

Also might want to space your paragraphs more, typically a single whitespace between paragraphs or lines of dialogue. This not only makes it easier on readers, but it also makes it easier for quoting passages from the story (passages are determined by whitespace, so not putting any for long sections makes Fimfiction think there's only 4 paragraphs here.

"I mean you no harm," I said getting on my knees. A pony clad in golden armor walked over. "I just need to know where I am. I am a traveler from another world." The soldier stared at me for a moment. "I don't know what you are but...Welcome to Manehatten."

I'd recommend splitting up paragraphs when the speaker changes as well.

Overall really good premise and start. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor with this story. I am not sure how long "big" is for you in writing, but it can certainly be hard to keep up a story idea without burning out. Make sure you establish a few fixed points throughout your intended plot that are absolute, no matter which direction you take the story in between them.

[Gaming_Knight]

11506865
I do appreciate your comments. It really helps and I know I need an editor to help me. I'll see about revising the first chapter.
Thanks for your feedback and I hope to update more soon.

-Knight

[Dawn Darkness]

I'd have to agree with 6-D Pegasus. Your descriptions are "okay" to me, however, I'd love it if you could have written longer chapters than these two short introductions to your character James.

Some people likes chapters that are about 3,000-5,000 words (a recommendation on novel-length chapters), yet others love big ones between 6,000-12,000 words. It makes the story flow better, have more description as to who and what appearance the main protagonist of this story have, and how much gap you need to fill in order to have the chapter "complete". I'd recommend spending more than enough time to polish your chapters (as well as proofread them without putting uppercase'ed words, like OWEN).

Thought I'd share my bit of criticism to you. Your story does have potential, no doubt about that. Keep goin'!

[Gaming_Knight]

11545392
Thanks for your feedback, I'm working on getting an editor which should make this story a bit stronger. As for chapters, I don't always have the time for big long chapters as I have too many things on my plate to deal with first. This kinda is a side project. I do get where you're coming from. I will collaborate with my editor (when I get one) to work out the kinks and make the chapters flow better and make them longer to Improve the reading experience. Thanks again for the feedback it's always appreciated. Happy Reading.

-Knight

[Dawn Darkness]

11545411
You're welcome! And thanks for considering the chapter length. Good luck in finding an editor!

[Majestic_Donut]

11545392
Hello! Editor here. All the critiques and feedback make it really helpful for me to know what to fix and how 😊 Thanks for that. As for the all caps word OWEN, that’s not a mistake, it’s and acronym for James’ car computer (Like Alexa, but that isn’t an acronym for anything). I think the revised chapter one mentioned what the acronym represented, but I don’t remember. I guess to make it more clear this is an acronym I’ll edit these references to put a period “.” Between each letter 😊

[Majestic_Donut]

Hey all! Editor Donut here to say the bar song is here! https://youtu.be/cUUxwXe9xzQ

Words by me, guitar linked in the description, parody to "Rewrite the Stars"

[Majestic_Donut]

11506865

This bit went from "began to sing" to "Once I had finished" immediately. For something like a song, I'd recommend at least taking a paragraph to describe a little more of what you're singing.

Editor here! How about a whole parody? 😂

https://youtu.be/cUUxwXe9xzQ

Words by me, guitar linked in the description, parody to "Rewrite the Stars"