Following the banishment of Nightmare Moon, Equestria as a nation was thrown into turmoil, never to recover.
It collapsed completely not long thereafter.
Now, a thousand years later, it'll be up to the inhabitants that have taken its place to finish what it could not.
Honorable mention in the Choices: A Species Change Contest.
Featured 11/27/2022
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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For added reference for readers, here's a map of the new territories:
images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/0fd048e4-d3e0-44ad-93cc-911001d9d3ae/dfizrgb-ed992014-2eef-4858-8dbb-593c67a76e60.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7InBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcLzBmZDA0OGU0LWQzZTAtNDRhZC05M2NjLTkxMTAwMWQ5ZDNhZVwvZGZpenJnYi1lZDk5MjAxNC0yZWVmLTQ4NTgtOGRiYi01OTNjNjdhNzZlNjAuanBnIn1dXSwiYXVkIjpbInVybjpzZXJ2aWNlOmZpbGUuZG93bmxvYWQiXX0.9bPfXK8kv_yc7lLs7WQlag23hgzhTGdNpGY8Owwnovg
Ooo. I like the lore so far. This promises to be intriguing…
By the way, if you haven't already done so (since I haven't been in them yet), personally I think it might be a good idea to keep that map in an author's note at the end of every chapter for readers to reference if necessary, but that's just me.
Hey, you finished it! Good job! Haven't read it yet but I will.
Finally, My proud race of griffons will rise as rulers of the land and all the world will eat our cakes with baking powder, griffonstone über alles caw caw, rawr , caw caw ,rawr! 😎👍
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Will there be any free apfelstrüdel as well?
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And Sauerkraut too, Prost! 😎🍺
PLEASE tell me Chrysalis doesn't get overthrown by Thorax in this story. ...She was a much better leader then he was.
This was a fun region. And now we know the sixth non-pony species you're using!
If I may, what you said about editing at the beginning of the story? Yeah, you definitely need to comb through this again now that the story's been submitted.
I would say this is a pretty interesting start of a story and seeing the main six as a different creatures that's pretty cool so Twilight is now a changeling and she tried to warn Queen Chrysalis about the return of Nightmare Moon after seeing all the prophecy and everything and she wanted to propose to get help from other creatures and even ponies to defend himself but Queen Chrysalis doesn't think so and she doesn't want any help from any creatures and even if Nightmare Moon does come back she thinks she can overpower her and there's no need to get involved but Twilight things that Nightmare Moon will go after other countries even the changeling hive so despite everything she went out and tried to find any information to stop Nightmare Moon and it looks like she's heading for Mt aris the home of the hippogriffs
So, no spike?
And Chrysalis is still a tool. No surprises there.
Oh wow that's a pretty interesting choice for Fluttershy to be I was expecting Pinkie Pie but okay cool
Because I know somewhere deep down in Twilight heart no matter what creature she is she always would know what's the right thing to do
I always remember back in the earlier season I did notice that Fluttershy can talk to animals which that's a pretty cool abilities that she has and in the future hitch Trailblazer will inherit that ability
Yeah, as soon as she brought up Goldstone I knew things were going to get iffy. But it all worked out in the end, huh?
Ohh that's Thorax older brother and speaking of thorax it would have been nice to see him actually try to talk with Twilight since he's the only changeling who is nice
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Dude...you're kinda pleading to the wrong fanfic writer here on that.
But if it helps, assuming I were to continue writing for this universe, no, Chrysalis wouldn't be overthrown by Thorax. It would be more Chrysalis would be overthrown by Twilight.
But that would only happen after, like, nine seasons or so. 
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Yeah, I'll probably break down and give it another editing pass at some point. Not right now though--I'm too busy savoring the fact I got it finished before the deadline and am now free to focus on a few other things currently.
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...keep reading...
Yah. Sure.
Well then that was pretty intense in the end so Twilight arrived to Mt aris home of the hippogriffs so she has to disguise herself to check any information about the Nightmare Moon and how to find the elements of harmony but before she could go on there was a yellow hippogriff taking a bunch of ducks away from the city but unexpected trolley coming towards Fluttershy and the Ducks and without hesitation Twilight push Fluttershy out of the way saving her from getting hit after that ordeal Fluttershy thank Twilight for saving her and she wanted to repay her Twilight felt like it's not necessarily but she needed a transportation which Fluttershy offers her that they use one of Fluttershy's boats to get across to the Griffin area which that would be the Griffin Stone it was a smooth sailing well sort of but until three dragons were attacking them but to Twilight it's not the dragons it was a changelings in disguise and it was pharynx who tried to take Twilight and of course she didn't give up without a fight but she did told Fluttershy to get away and was all the craziness happening Twilight was about to drown but luckily Fluttershy saved her she owned her for that and it looks like she has some explaining to do
Another surprise so Rarity would be a dragon I mean it would make sense since dragons to have diamonds and rubies in their territory she might have used them for good use aside from eating them
I have to admit, from what little of Chrysalis we've seen in this story... I feel like with the news that Twilight died, she would be politically savvy enough to rewrite history a bit to present her as a hero of the hive with the full support of the throne behind her, but her mission had been to recover the means of defeating the alicorn but due to time ended up having to employ them as she was unleashed rather then after she fucked the griffons up first.
You mean like right in front of you?
(Nice reference to the comics)
Hey, you did a pretty good job! Occasionally the meter was a bit off, but otherwise you did great!
Oh, yes. This looks promising!
I see what you did there
That was cool! I like your retelling of the castle events, and you wrapped everything up nicely— you didn't leave any loose ends that I can see. Good luck in the contest!
But seriously, please do another editing pass— some of that reading was painful.
Ohh so spike is a diamond dog instead of a dragon interesting choice and also ironic since in the human world he's a dog
Somehow I can relate to that
Wow this is really intense again so Twilight and Fluttershy made it to the coast but unfortunately it's in the dragon territory and they need to figure out how to get through without any detection but luckily there was one dragon who is actually pretty friendly name Rarity she kind of questions about it but nevertheless she was pretty friendly to them knowing to the fact one is a changeling and the other one is a hippogriff so Twilight explain about this whole situation about Nightmare Moon returning and trying to find any information how to stop her so Rarity decide to take them where they keep all the artifacts are and it looks like they found a couple of information even though not enough but they said something about the elements of harmony but before they could have leave it looks like they have company it was ember and the Three Dragons with her which unfortunately to Twilight it was pharynx the other two in disguise Rarity tried her best to convince ember nothing is happening but of course the dragons told her about a changeling spy and he was about to check out the crate where it Fluttershy is hiding Twilight had to use every Magic to get him to drop his disguise and the other two to create a chaos that everybody is too distracted making the Sweet Escape but an only works a couple of minutes before he gave Chase to them and they can't outrun him forever but luckily Rarity has an idea and lucky for them again Spike the Diamond dog was there on time just to show them the trades but he was pretty confused what was going on and he has the crystal that the changelings Apparently used to charge up their powerful Magic and they had to use it because pharynx it's getting closer so without any choices Twilight power up the crystal it took a lot of her but it worked so they all jump in there they managed to escape from him for now but it looks like Spike needs some information what the heck just happened
That's actually pretty good to know the stuff
I kind of figured Rainbow Dash will be a griffin I did remember in season 4 she always wanted to think how she will look like as a griffin or a dragon
Wow I would say Twilight that was pretty heavy what you just said
Oh my gosh that dude I remember him in the comic didn't he try to take the land of Equestria if I remember correctly
Yep I figured that would happen
Okay so it looks like things are starting to look a little bit up for the group so after escaping from the changelings and the dragons Fluttershy and the others needed to find shelter for Twilight to rest up since she used up so much Magic and Fluttershy has a friend who's a griffin can actually help them and once they reach the house a Griffin name Rainbow Dash recognize Fluttershy but the others it was surprising for her so they kind of explained everything about the event they had to went through and it looks like Rainbow Dash is still a little iffy about this whole situation especially with Twilight but somehow she'll trust her judgment and she told them that they can talk with Goldstone the one who's in charge once they got to that area Twilight explain to Goldstone about the situation and maybe the Elements of Harmony can help them to stop Nightmare Moon but they need information what they are and where the location is and regardless he gave her a permission to use the library to check out any information and of course they did find the book and yeah just like in the original episode where the location is but unfortunately Goldstone double cross them which of course I should have saw that coming and he demanded Twilight and the others to tell where the location of The Elements of Harmony but rainbow told him but not the whole truth because Twilight sense that she is planning something with that they were going to the prison but Twilight decided to fight back and now freeing the others they fight the Griffins but once that one is all settled Rainbow Dash return with them and also giving back to Twilight's stuff and it looks like Rainbow Dash is joining the group and helping them to get out of here before they started to figure it out that they've been lied
Okay that's a new one so Applejack is a parrot a anthro one nice I mean those creatures are actually kind of cool when I saw them in the movie
“Well…why didn’t ya just come an’ say so instead of doin’ all this sneakin’ around?” the parrot demanded. “We coulda worked sumthin’ out!”
All eyes fell on Rainbow, who apologetically grinned under the scrutiny. “To be fair, we didn’t know that at the time,” she attempted to justify.
I figured that was him as well and what goes around comes around Goldstone
Nightmare Moon: I shall leave Canterlot in ruins!
*smash cut to the Canterlot Ruins.
Nightmare Moon: ...This seemed more rewarding in my mind.
I feel like this chapter was in some ways a step forward, and in others a step back from the previous. The plot advances, and group dynamics really form, but at the same time, the action feels like...filler, being that we know Twilight won't be captured so early and already that Pharynx and such are after her, and it really draws out the chapter to being one of the longest.
Also, things feel rather off with Rarity's behavior. She's not as intense as she should be (drama queen Rarity being angry and upset or just generally intense can propel whole episodes in FiM), and it makes her a bit boring. I think the issue is that instead of being all about emotion, the story makes her super logical in thought, and accepting of whatever there is to put things together; it's like Rarity got fused with a Vulcan.
This off version of Rarity prevents there being any conflict with her, which really makes the early part of the chapter feel a little flat.
The action here again felt like too much of a foregone conclusion, but at least things like Twilight using her venom put some interesting moments in it, and I think the interactions with both Dash and Goldstone really elevated things in terms of character. This was the first chapter I think I actually enjoyed rather than just wanting to get through to the "meat" of the story.
It was great to see villain on villain with Goldstone, and the more pompous outclassed, but this chapter felt like a step back again as for the things with Twilight. The whole rigamarole with "Uh, woops, ya caught me, I'm a changeling that needs your help, and now it's time for you to be awkward for a bit and wholly trust me once we're clear with each other!" really was worn out after Fluttershy, so things with AJ felt kind of tedious; the whole sequence really needed, I think, some kind of conflict like the Apples wanting them to walk the plank or at least haggle over paying for being passengers.
I think between Zecora, Pinkie, and Creamy, things are spread too thin and really work against any of them shining as characters. Much like the last chapter, things around Twilight aren't very interesting in how characters interact, so it feels like bare plot advancement.
Hmm, I think the early part of this chapter really deflated the feeling the Everfree was dangerous, because all we're told falls into just...Pinkie and Creamy using basic knowledge and common sense to avoid what little danger could be nearby. It would've been more interesting if the "odd animal behavior" made creatures that normally avoid ponies come and attack the group.
I also must single out in particular AJ and Spike very heavily and somewhat awkwardly affirming that nothing significant was done to them after capture as really stomping on tension/stakes; this kind of thing is what normally gets forced into kids' shows by censors who want to avoid kids being scared of protagonists getting hurt, and it's odd and rather jarring to see in a story like this. It also made me realize that AJ, while she's got more character in this than Rarity, does generally feel a little on the boring side character-wise.
Anyways, the action was definitely good, improving on what the show did.
Overall, I feel like this story has a lot of potential, but varies heavily in hitting it; the biggest problem is really in characterization.
AJ, Rarity, and Pharynx act as little more than names with some minor dialog quirks as they advance the plot. Pinkie, Spike, and Fluttershy are a little better, but they still fall far from their show selves. Dash I think is close to her show self, but even then, she plays second fiddle in every scene to Twilight, which is I think what's really the big weight crushing the interactions...
Twilight in this story dominates the scenes, much like in the movie (which was...disliked by nonbronies for reasons, among them that 7 heroes were around and only 1 did anything most of the time, with Fluttershy and AJ literally not getting a scene for their personalities to shine, so they could be replaced with any random character), and unlike the show's two part intro.
Twilight by virtue of being the very sane character needs at minimum to be facing a very crazy character or situation to make it interesting, and this is why in the first part of the two-parter, each pony she met acted crazy and did something to frustrate or even harm her, while in the second part, she instead acted much as an observing, reacting party watching other characters using their craziness to defeat NMM's plans (and it should be noted that any random pony in place of those characters, except maybe AJ, wouldn't likely solve their trial...I don't think I can say the same for the characters in this story).
Additionally, Twilight being that observer in the two-parter leads to it being very natural that she identifies the others corresponding to elements, but it's much harder in this story to really trace that, as it feels instead like Twilight just goes "friendship" and the elements figure the group's good enough.
Anyways, I would love to see a revised version at some point.
Mrm.
Okay it looks like time is at the asset so after escaping the Griffin territory there was an Airship preparing to leave and it looks like Rainbow Dash decided to sneak inside without any of the parrots noticing them and Twilight did not like the idea but the others follow anyway thinking that there are smooth sailing right now unfortunately one of the parrot name Applejack checking out the stocks and everything and the other are hiding thinking like you can escape from finding them but unfortunately spikes hat kind of giveaway and now Applejack is giving them a warning to come out after a few minutes she found Rainbow Dash and despite that they decide to show themselves and Applejack were pretty surprised so nice there are different creatures on board so Twilight had to explain about the situation and at that point it's time to become a thing but it looks like Applejack actually believe her even though she doesn't think that Nightmare Moon is coming or something but she offer her assistance to get them to ever free Forest and despite the reputation it gets they need to go there but unfortunately things got a lot of strange the bats were flying in group and Twilight thinks they're running out of time and they need to get there and right now pharynx is close by Let's hope that the others make it in time
Don't worry, Goldstone's probably fine.
Well what goes on comes around
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Fun fact: Thorax initially was going to cameo in the first chapter as Twilight's research assistant at the Changeling Kingdom, supporting her in her quest enough that he chooses to stay behind so to try and cover for her. However, since he basically wouldn't appear in the story again (I didn't really have a means of allowing him to) and in the interest of trying to keep the story moving at a steady pace, I opted to drop his role in the story altogether.
Another fun fact: by contrast, Pharynx was ironically a rather late addition to the story--for most of writing of the story, his role was originally played by a totally different changeling of my own creation, until I realized just using Pharynx instead actually made more sense, since he was an already established canon character who would absolutely be assigned tasks such as this.
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Meter is where I struggle the most with poetry, so the meter not always holding up totally scans for me.
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I did want to squeeze in more references along that same line in somewhere, but unfortunately it didn't pan out.
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All right, all right, message received--I'll bump up that second editing pass on my to-do list.
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Yet another fun fact: I initially went into writing the story intending to keep Spike as a dragon, as I thought it'd be funny if he was the only one of the usual cast to NOT be a different species (instead, Pinkie was initially going to be the diamond dog)...but since I wanted some zebra representation here, I made him the diamond dog instead so to free up another cast member to species-swap.
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Wonderfully unhelpful as always, thank you.
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Really? I felt like Rarity still has that typical upper-crust manner of speech and conversation, contrasted with the more out-of-the-ordinary dragon rough-and-tumble-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-make-me-mad sort of attitude which, to me, seemed like the thing to do, spinning her as a dragon...since just preserving her usual Rarity persona entirely didn't seem appropriate given the new species she was representing.
But clearly, mileage may vary.
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I get the whole "hey, I'm a changeling, lemme tell you about my quest" schtick gets tedious, and I was aware of that while writing, but it's also one of those things I couldn't just overlook either, because in-universe there wasn't really a reason why that schtick wouldn't come up, since Twilight would still need to explain herself to every creatures she meets, particularly since she's a member of a species generally seen as an enemy.
...though I suppose I could've found a way to let her stay in disguise for most of the story (despite Pharynx and company chasing after her) and only reveal her as a changeling to the others late in the story and thus only have to do it once...eh, but that still wouldn't solve the "lemme tell you about my quest" aspect of the problem, and I think that's a bigger part of why it's a problem for you.
As for the Apples reaction to their stowaways, reacting as forcibly as making them walk the plank (which is very MLP Movie anyway and I didn't want to go that route) or attempt to squeeze money out of them in exchange for staying aboard doesn't really seem in character for any of the Apples, who are usually pretty understanding folk canonically if you're just upfront and honest with them. Besides, they still made it worth the Apples' while by Spike presenting a new potential trading customer that just happened to be in the same direction they were heading, so...
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True, but the idea was that none of these critters did try to attack them was the real odd behavior and as such giving an unsettling edge to what would otherwise seem to be excessively good luck. Or at least that was the intention--I suppose I may not have conveyed that as effectively as I hoped...maybe I should've more clearly given the implication that the animals all seemed to be fleeing away from the Castle of the Two Sisters, out of fear of Nightmare Moon's impending return...hmm...
I'm choosing to take this as a compliment, because that's really what I was shooting for--I wasn't really looking to reinvent the wheel in terms of tone here too much, and wanted to try and keep things at least a little family-friendly like in the show in terms of violence. So I guess you saying that just tells me I succeeded.
Of course, I did contemplate a different approach where Spike and Applejack were never left behind in the first place, completely bypassing that problem...but I thought it made sense for them both to stay behind considering the diamond dog trade deal both were set to pursue.
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I respectively disagree--I feel the two-part intro was basically as you criticize too, because it's not really about Twilight's friends at all. They're just there to conveniently be in the right place at the right times so to allow Twilight, the character of focus driving everything along, to step in and pull it altogether. You really could swap out the rest of the Mane 6's roles with any character you'd like and it wouldn't really change anything. That's why there's so many fanfics out there that do precisely that--it's super easy to. Twilight's really the only character of importance here, the rest only appear to be important because the show outright claims that they are, when in reality they really are bodies to hang elements on while Twilight's the one leading the whole thing from start to finish.
Not to say my fic's excused in anyway for under-utilizing characters, of course, but I feel like citing the two-part intro isn't the greatest of examples of what you're trying to say here (you know what I think would be a good example? G5's A New Generation. Not even exaggerating).
Also, honestly? I never likedthe two-parter presenting the cast as "I am the bearer of this Element of Harmony, and I will now demonstrate this as painfully obvious as I can" as I didn't think it very clever or creative, and I always felt it actually held back the cast and made them rather flat and one-note for most of the first season until the show realized (wisely) that NOT making them "all this element, all the time" and put less emphasis on that was the better route to go.
As such, I knew from the start that I didn't want to present the cast in that same manner, instead making those element traits more subtle and not so much their one and only dominate trait worth noting. In fact, I didn't really want to put such great emphasis on the individual elements at all, as I really do believe it's that element of friendship that really ties it together--without it, the rest of the elements are useless.
I wouldn't hold your breath for any significant revisions, the only changes I plan to make is to go back and make any grammar/spelling corrections I catch in a second read-through. The story's already posted and up for viewing anyway, and I don't really like doing anything that retroactively conveys a sense of "wait, that didn't count" and make total revisions without more just cause, so the overall plot will remain as it is. Besides, with the deadline to the contest so close, I literally wouldn't have the time to make such large changes before crossing it, and after that point, why would I want to anymore? It won't change the outcomes of the contest any. If choosing to do this hinders the story's chances in the contest, then so be it.
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While manner of speaking is an aspect of character, I'd say it's among the least important. It's definitely true that Rarity constantly fainting onto a couch or strangling Twilight with clothing would be odd for her as a dragon, but I would expect her to still be overly dramatic about things and certainly her greedy side to be prominent.
For Twilight's schtick, no it's not really the quest so much as that characters are all so accepting. A late reveal is definitely the big hammer approach, but also hard to pull off right (I quickly realized this myself when my recent fic was going to have a late reveal early in the drafting process); I think the easier way would be to simply not have every character so easily accept Twilight, creating variety and character conflict. Note in particular dragon culture and AJ in the show are distrustful of outsiders.
For the Everfree creatures thing, I think that the issue is in part telling instead of showing (showing them flee would've helped), but more important is simply the lack of apparent danger making things an utter cakewalk. Ideally, creatures heading away and meeting the group in the process would've created unexpected danger, as opposed to removing expected danger.
On the Spike and AJ thing, it went further than just being family-friendly, into territory like not showing glass being broken because of angry parents (according to MA Larsen, this is the case for Disney shows). What's very wrong with how kids' cartoons do their "I'm completely fine!" bits is it absolutely evaporates all traces of tension/stakes (the things that are half the point of an adventure story's plot) to make sure kids aren't scared...and intuitively, kids being scared sounds bad, but actually, it can make them enjoy a story more, while teaching them to deal better with scary stuff, and making the moments where the scary thing is stopped feel better (even for adults).
I think this is why FiM tends to avoid characters outright calling out that they're completely fine and usually instead has characters moving on the ground weakly after a villain blasts them, allowing for a more nuanced take where we know they're not in immediate danger of death, but could have serious internal injuries, and it's up to our imaginations to figure out how close to that they got (so the kid who wants to say "and then they DIED!" isn't contradicted and can have their fun, while the kid who thinks boo-boos are scary can say "oh they don't have any boo-boos, yay!").
As a fun anecdote, FiM's first episode's script actually had, we know from leaks, a consultant go over it and try to tell them how to make it more kid-friendly. He said it was too scary/violent on the Manticore, trees, and Rarity cutting off her own tail; it's a very good thing Faust rejected like 80% of what he said.
On the two-parter, it's certainly true it's rather clumsy and obvious at what it does, and gives characters little depth. The thing I think it did well is that it made characters very intense and unique, which made what happens interesting in and of itself even when the character was just following their own unique thing to its logical conclusion. Also, I think at a bare minimum that if you swap out Rarity and Fluttershy for generics in the two-parter, their trials go very badly (Steven and the Manticore are likely just thrown offscreen by Twilight, removing the problem, but also not displaying any hint of the element so things fail at NMM).
At any rate, I think there's a happy middle-ground between obvious traits to elements and generic characters being stuck to elements, where things wouldn't be obvious as far as who maps to what elements unless really closely paying attention, or reading the fic a second time.