Together
The zebras of Pinkie’s village were certainly surprised when they all came walking back out of the forest awhile later. But once a few explanations were made, the once distant and aloof zebra swiftly celebrated the triumphant return of their heroes, the new bearers of the Elements of Harmony. And to show how thankful they were for the group’s persistence, despite their own lack of faith and support in them, the zebra threw an impromptu feast for them and the two pony princesses they brought with them. Pinkie played a key role in coordinating it all, happening to have a love for celebrations such as this.
Joining them partway through all of the festivities were Applejack’s two siblings, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom, arriving in the family airship and proving no worse for wear from their encounter with Pharynx and company, more just relieved to see their sister was likewise okay. Throughout it all, the six creatures (and one diamond dog who likewise received a share of the praise) accepted the congratulations somewhat sheepishly, uncertain what exactly this meant for them moving forward. They didn’t get their first clue towards an answer until as the festivities wound down and discovered the two alicorns packing travel bags.
“You’re leaving?” Twilight asked in surprise when the group found them on the edges of the zebra village.
Celestia gave Twilight a sad grin. “I’m afraid so,” she admitted, “but don’t see it as a bad thing.”
“We are planning to head west,” Luna explained, “in hopes of finding where our subjects went after Equestria collapsed.” She averted her gaze in shame. “We hope to try and make amends for…our past mistakes.”
“Mistakes we both made,” Celestia added, insisting she take her share of the blame. She bowed her head sadly. “We both had a hoof in causing the fall of our nation.” She then straightened. “But we hope, when we find the descendants of our subjects, we will be able to earn their acceptance again—if not as their former rulers then at least as their equals.”
“We wish you the best of luck at those goals then, princesses,” Rarity said.
“Yes, but…what about us?” Fluttershy asked, confused. She motioned to the magic artifact she still wore about her neck. “What about the elements?”
“They’re yours,” Celestia assured the hippogriff. “All six of you have more than proven your worthiness to bear the elements and the powers they bestow, and so long as you continue to use them in the name of harmony, you will remain that way for however long required of you.”
“You have already accomplished more with them than I or Celestia have,” Luna added as a means of encouragement, grinning, “so I expect you will have no problem doing so.”
“Well gee, that’s mighty kind of ya ta say, yer highnesses,” Applejack remarked, examining her own necklace. “We’ll have ta try and not let ya down then.”
“Aw, what are we worried about?” Rainbow Dash asked, swatting the parrot on the side with her wing. “We’re already rocking it, just like Luna said!”
“So…I guess what happens next is up to us now?” Twilight concluded, trying to see if she understood this right.
Celestia nodded. “Honestly, Twilight, this land doesn’t need myself or Luna anymore,” she explained. “The creatures that have taken up residence in Equestria’s stead seem to be on the right track already.” She gave Twilight a wink. “And I expect you and your friends will help make up the remaining difference after that.”
Twilight chuckled a little before turning a bit more solemn. “I’m still glad I met you,” she assured.
“And I am glad I met you, Twilight,” Celestia said with a warm sigh. “And thank you. You probably don’t know it, but…you and your friends were more of an inspiration for me than you think.” Twilight blushed and ducked her head under the praise, so Celestia used that chance to turn to her sister. “Are you ready to go, Luna?” she asked gently as she slipped on their bags. “It will be a long journey.”
“That is okay,” Luna said before giving her sister a warm grin. “We have much to catch up on.”
Celestia grinned and gave her a brief hug. “Indeed,” she agreed. She then waved to the group of creatures watching them. “Farewell, everyone! May we all be lucky enough to meet again sometime soon!”
“Goodbye princesses!” Twilight called after them as the two alicorns spread their wings and took flight.
“Bye!” Spike called
“Farewell!” Fluttershy called.
“Safe travels, darlings!” Rarity called.
“Y’all keep safe, y’hear?” Applejack called.
“And just give us a shout if you need us to come kick butt again!” Rainbow added.
“And don’t forget!” Pinkie concluded. “You’re a toymaker’s creation trapped inside a crystal ball!”
“…What?!” Rainbow asked, shooting the zebra a bewildered look.
“You heard me!” Pinkie said, hip-checking the griffon. “C’mon, you know it’s true!”
After the princesses left, the others gravitated towards the Apple family airship so to discuss what to do next in more detail. Twilight allowed herself to fall back though, letting her mind contemplate the events of the past couple of weeks and just what it all meant for her. She eventually fell back so much there was soon a gap of several dozen yards separating her from the rest of her friends, somewhat isolating her from them for the moment.
She realized how potentially vulnerable that left her when an unexpected voice suddenly roused her out of her musings: “Heard you had an eventful evening.”
Twilight, eye’s widening, spun around to see Pharynx and his two changeling cohorts emerging from the surrounding growth, the three centuriones looking no worse for wear after the previous evening’s events. “Pharynx!” she declared in alarm, taking a defensive stance.
Pharynx, however, motioned for her to be calm. “There’s no need for that,” he assured. “I think there’s been enough fighting for now, don’t you?” He motioned to the magical crown Twilight still wore. “Besides, I’ve heard quite a bit about what you can apparently do with that thing.”
Twilight glanced up at the crown then back at the changelings standing before her. “I tried to warn you about Nightmare Moon,” she said, thinking about what had happened to them.
“And you were right,” Pharynx conceded with a sigh. He almost looked sorry. “But you and I both know Queen Chrysalis won’t see it that way.”
Twilight nodded, lowering her gaze. “I still defied her commands,” she admitted, “ignored her authority…she won’t take that lightly.”
“And she’ll want to punish you accordingly for it,” Pharynx added. But then he continued. “It is a pity, then, that I will have to report to her that you did not survive your encounter with Nightmare Moon.”
Twilight’s head shot up, surprised. “…What?”
Pharynx merely shrugged. “The queen can’t punish what she can’t find, now can she?” he reasoned. He then turned apologetic. “Of course…for that to work…it means you can never return home.”
Twilight winced to herself, that prospect weighing heavily. But then she gazed over to where her friends had gathered by the airship, unaware of who she was conversing with. “You know,” she reasoned slowly, “I think I’m going to be okay.”
Pharynx glanced in the direction of her friends and nodded. “You’re probably better off here anyway,” he agreed, before giving her a smirk. “But if anyone asks, you didn’t hear that from me.”
Then, before Twilight could say anything else much less any kind of goodbye, the trio leapt into the air, transforming into geese before leveling out and beginning their long journey back for the Changeling Kingdom. Twilight watched them go until they grew too small to easily see anymore, then with one final sigh to get out the last of her melancholy, she turned to catch up with her friends.
“There ya are, Twilight!” Applejack said, seeing the changeling rejoin the group. “We were just about ta start workin’ out wut our next step oughta be.” She thumped her talons against the hull of the airship behind her. “If any of ya need a lift anywhere, Ah’m sure Ah can give ya one.”
“Thanks,” Twilight said with a grateful grin. “But I’m honestly not sure where I’m going to go next now.” She averted their gaze a little. “I…can’t exactly go home, after all.”
“Well, join the club,” Rainbow said with a sigh of her own. “I bet if I so much as even try to set claw in the Griffon Order without immediately stuffing all of the elements into his talons, Goldstone will just throw my butt into a dungeon.”
“Mm, and I suppose it would be unwise for me to return to my own home without at least trying to make amends with the Dragon Regent first,” Rarity hummed to herself, pondering.
“You’re welcome to come to New Hippogriffia with me,” Fluttershy offered. “I…don’t really have a very big place…and the rent isn’t exactly great…or the neighborhood really…but the door’s always open, nonetheless.”
“Or you could come and stay with me at Ghastly Gorge,” Spike offered in an attempt to be helpful. “I’m sure I can work out something with my pack for you, seeing you did kinda save the world and all.”
“Or if you don’t want to do all that traveling, you can just stay here with me and the other zebra!” Pinkie offered.
“If all that doesn’t work out though,” Applejack proceeded to offer, “Y’all can come and stay at the family orchard until y’all got somethin’ else worked out.”
“Goodness,” Fluttershy then declared. “It seems like we could really go anywhere from here, couldn’t we?”
“We could,” Twilight said, before regarding her friends with a grin. “But whatever comes next…we’ll do it together.”
I suspect this will be one of those stories where everybody will be clamoring for a sequel, but admittedly there probably won't be any written by my hand. This is mostly because I'm already too preoccupied with other projects to be able to take on an ongoing project of that scope (since the natural thing to do from here would be to retell all nine seasons of FiM in this universe 
), but I also admit that, while this fic was fun, I don't have quite enough interest to commit making it a reoccurring thing anyway.
BUT...if someone or a group of someones wants to pick up from where I leave off with this fic with some kind of sequel of there own, I'd not only have no complaints, I'd heartily encourage it. 
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Hey, you finished it! Good job! Haven't read it yet but I will.
Finally, My proud race of griffons will rise as rulers of the land and all the world will eat our cakes with baking powder, griffonstone über alles caw caw, rawr , caw caw ,rawr! 😎👍
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Will there be any free apfelstrüdel as well?
11434688
And Sauerkraut too, Prost! 😎🍺
PLEASE tell me Chrysalis doesn't get overthrown by Thorax in this story. ...She was a much better leader then he was.
11434715
Dude...you're kinda pleading to the wrong fanfic writer here on that.
But if it helps, assuming I were to continue writing for this universe, no, Chrysalis wouldn't be overthrown by Thorax. It would be more Chrysalis would be overthrown by Twilight.
But that would only happen after, like, nine seasons or so. 
11434791
Yeah, I'll probably break down and give it another editing pass at some point. Not right now though--I'm too busy savoring the fact I got it finished before the deadline and am now free to focus on a few other things currently.
11434828
...keep reading...
I have to admit, from what little of Chrysalis we've seen in this story... I feel like with the news that Twilight died, she would be politically savvy enough to rewrite history a bit to present her as a hero of the hive with the full support of the throne behind her, but her mission had been to recover the means of defeating the alicorn but due to time ended up having to employ them as she was unleashed rather then after she fucked the griffons up first.
Oh, yes. This looks promising!
I see what you did there
That was cool! I like your retelling of the castle events, and you wrapped everything up nicely— you didn't leave any loose ends that I can see. Good luck in the contest!
But seriously, please do another editing pass— some of that reading was painful.
Overall, I feel like this story has a lot of potential, but varies heavily in hitting it; the biggest problem is really in characterization.
AJ, Rarity, and Pharynx act as little more than names with some minor dialog quirks as they advance the plot. Pinkie, Spike, and Fluttershy are a little better, but they still fall far from their show selves. Dash I think is close to her show self, but even then, she plays second fiddle in every scene to Twilight, which is I think what's really the big weight crushing the interactions...
Twilight in this story dominates the scenes, much like in the movie (which was...disliked by nonbronies for reasons, among them that 7 heroes were around and only 1 did anything most of the time, with Fluttershy and AJ literally not getting a scene for their personalities to shine, so they could be replaced with any random character), and unlike the show's two part intro.
Twilight by virtue of being the very sane character needs at minimum to be facing a very crazy character or situation to make it interesting, and this is why in the first part of the two-parter, each pony she met acted crazy and did something to frustrate or even harm her, while in the second part, she instead acted much as an observing, reacting party watching other characters using their craziness to defeat NMM's plans (and it should be noted that any random pony in place of those characters, except maybe AJ, wouldn't likely solve their trial...I don't think I can say the same for the characters in this story).
Additionally, Twilight being that observer in the two-parter leads to it being very natural that she identifies the others corresponding to elements, but it's much harder in this story to really trace that, as it feels instead like Twilight just goes "friendship" and the elements figure the group's good enough.
Anyways, I would love to see a revised version at some point.
Mrm.
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Fun fact: Thorax initially was going to cameo in the first chapter as Twilight's research assistant at the Changeling Kingdom, supporting her in her quest enough that he chooses to stay behind so to try and cover for her. However, since he basically wouldn't appear in the story again (I didn't really have a means of allowing him to) and in the interest of trying to keep the story moving at a steady pace, I opted to drop his role in the story altogether.
Another fun fact: by contrast, Pharynx was ironically a rather late addition to the story--for most of writing of the story, his role was originally played by a totally different changeling of my own creation, until I realized just using Pharynx instead actually made more sense, since he was an already established canon character who would absolutely be assigned tasks such as this.
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Meter is where I struggle the most with poetry, so the meter not always holding up totally scans for me.
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I did want to squeeze in more references along that same line in somewhere, but unfortunately it didn't pan out.
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All right, all right, message received--I'll bump up that second editing pass on my to-do list.
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Yet another fun fact: I initially went into writing the story intending to keep Spike as a dragon, as I thought it'd be funny if he was the only one of the usual cast to NOT be a different species (instead, Pinkie was initially going to be the diamond dog)...but since I wanted some zebra representation here, I made him the diamond dog instead so to free up another cast member to species-swap.
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Wonderfully unhelpful as always, thank you.
11435569
Really? I felt like Rarity still has that typical upper-crust manner of speech and conversation, contrasted with the more out-of-the-ordinary dragon rough-and-tumble-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-make-me-mad sort of attitude which, to me, seemed like the thing to do, spinning her as a dragon...since just preserving her usual Rarity persona entirely didn't seem appropriate given the new species she was representing.
But clearly, mileage may vary.
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I get the whole "hey, I'm a changeling, lemme tell you about my quest" schtick gets tedious, and I was aware of that while writing, but it's also one of those things I couldn't just overlook either, because in-universe there wasn't really a reason why that schtick wouldn't come up, since Twilight would still need to explain herself to every creatures she meets, particularly since she's a member of a species generally seen as an enemy.
...though I suppose I could've found a way to let her stay in disguise for most of the story (despite Pharynx and company chasing after her) and only reveal her as a changeling to the others late in the story and thus only have to do it once...eh, but that still wouldn't solve the "lemme tell you about my quest" aspect of the problem, and I think that's a bigger part of why it's a problem for you.
As for the Apples reaction to their stowaways, reacting as forcibly as making them walk the plank (which is very MLP Movie anyway and I didn't want to go that route) or attempt to squeeze money out of them in exchange for staying aboard doesn't really seem in character for any of the Apples, who are usually pretty understanding folk canonically if you're just upfront and honest with them. Besides, they still made it worth the Apples' while by Spike presenting a new potential trading customer that just happened to be in the same direction they were heading, so...
11435594
True, but the idea was that none of these critters did try to attack them was the real odd behavior and as such giving an unsettling edge to what would otherwise seem to be excessively good luck. Or at least that was the intention--I suppose I may not have conveyed that as effectively as I hoped...maybe I should've more clearly given the implication that the animals all seemed to be fleeing away from the Castle of the Two Sisters, out of fear of Nightmare Moon's impending return...hmm...
I'm choosing to take this as a compliment, because that's really what I was shooting for--I wasn't really looking to reinvent the wheel in terms of tone here too much, and wanted to try and keep things at least a little family-friendly like in the show in terms of violence. So I guess you saying that just tells me I succeeded.
Of course, I did contemplate a different approach where Spike and Applejack were never left behind in the first place, completely bypassing that problem...but I thought it made sense for them both to stay behind considering the diamond dog trade deal both were set to pursue.
11435621
I respectively disagree--I feel the two-part intro was basically as you criticize too, because it's not really about Twilight's friends at all. They're just there to conveniently be in the right place at the right times so to allow Twilight, the character of focus driving everything along, to step in and pull it altogether. You really could swap out the rest of the Mane 6's roles with any character you'd like and it wouldn't really change anything. That's why there's so many fanfics out there that do precisely that--it's super easy to. Twilight's really the only character of importance here, the rest only appear to be important because the show outright claims that they are, when in reality they really are bodies to hang elements on while Twilight's the one leading the whole thing from start to finish.
Not to say my fic's excused in anyway for under-utilizing characters, of course, but I feel like citing the two-part intro isn't the greatest of examples of what you're trying to say here (you know what I think would be a good example? G5's A New Generation. Not even exaggerating).
Also, honestly? I never likedthe two-parter presenting the cast as "I am the bearer of this Element of Harmony, and I will now demonstrate this as painfully obvious as I can" as I didn't think it very clever or creative, and I always felt it actually held back the cast and made them rather flat and one-note for most of the first season until the show realized (wisely) that NOT making them "all this element, all the time" and put less emphasis on that was the better route to go.
As such, I knew from the start that I didn't want to present the cast in that same manner, instead making those element traits more subtle and not so much their one and only dominate trait worth noting. In fact, I didn't really want to put such great emphasis on the individual elements at all, as I really do believe it's that element of friendship that really ties it together--without it, the rest of the elements are useless.
I wouldn't hold your breath for any significant revisions, the only changes I plan to make is to go back and make any grammar/spelling corrections I catch in a second read-through. The story's already posted and up for viewing anyway, and I don't really like doing anything that retroactively conveys a sense of "wait, that didn't count" and make total revisions without more just cause, so the overall plot will remain as it is. Besides, with the deadline to the contest so close, I literally wouldn't have the time to make such large changes before crossing it, and after that point, why would I want to anymore? It won't change the outcomes of the contest any. If choosing to do this hinders the story's chances in the contest, then so be it.
11435675
While manner of speaking is an aspect of character, I'd say it's among the least important. It's definitely true that Rarity constantly fainting onto a couch or strangling Twilight with clothing would be odd for her as a dragon, but I would expect her to still be overly dramatic about things and certainly her greedy side to be prominent.
For Twilight's schtick, no it's not really the quest so much as that characters are all so accepting. A late reveal is definitely the big hammer approach, but also hard to pull off right (I quickly realized this myself when my recent fic was going to have a late reveal early in the drafting process); I think the easier way would be to simply not have every character so easily accept Twilight, creating variety and character conflict. Note in particular dragon culture and AJ in the show are distrustful of outsiders.
For the Everfree creatures thing, I think that the issue is in part telling instead of showing (showing them flee would've helped), but more important is simply the lack of apparent danger making things an utter cakewalk. Ideally, creatures heading away and meeting the group in the process would've created unexpected danger, as opposed to removing expected danger.
On the Spike and AJ thing, it went further than just being family-friendly, into territory like not showing glass being broken because of angry parents (according to MA Larsen, this is the case for Disney shows). What's very wrong with how kids' cartoons do their "I'm completely fine!" bits is it absolutely evaporates all traces of tension/stakes (the things that are half the point of an adventure story's plot) to make sure kids aren't scared...and intuitively, kids being scared sounds bad, but actually, it can make them enjoy a story more, while teaching them to deal better with scary stuff, and making the moments where the scary thing is stopped feel better (even for adults).
I think this is why FiM tends to avoid characters outright calling out that they're completely fine and usually instead has characters moving on the ground weakly after a villain blasts them, allowing for a more nuanced take where we know they're not in immediate danger of death, but could have serious internal injuries, and it's up to our imaginations to figure out how close to that they got (so the kid who wants to say "and then they DIED!" isn't contradicted and can have their fun, while the kid who thinks boo-boos are scary can say "oh they don't have any boo-boos, yay!").
As a fun anecdote, FiM's first episode's script actually had, we know from leaks, a consultant go over it and try to tell them how to make it more kid-friendly. He said it was too scary/violent on the Manticore, trees, and Rarity cutting off her own tail; it's a very good thing Faust rejected like 80% of what he said.
On the two-parter, it's certainly true it's rather clumsy and obvious at what it does, and gives characters little depth. The thing I think it did well is that it made characters very intense and unique, which made what happens interesting in and of itself even when the character was just following their own unique thing to its logical conclusion. Also, I think at a bare minimum that if you swap out Rarity and Fluttershy for generics in the two-parter, their trials go very badly (Steven and the Manticore are likely just thrown offscreen by Twilight, removing the problem, but also not displaying any hint of the element so things fail at NMM).
At any rate, I think there's a happy middle-ground between obvious traits to elements and generic characters being stuck to elements, where things wouldn't be obvious as far as who maps to what elements unless really closely paying attention, or reading the fic a second time.
11435732
Strong disagree. Character voice is one of the most important aspects, because it's through that voice, that manner of speaking, that the reader gets exposed the most to how that character thinks and behaves. Take any character you like and swap out their voice/manner of speaking with any other character you like and you'll see what I mean--it changes the very nature of how the character works.
But in any case, on Rarity I think we just might have to agree to disagree, because we clearly have differing ideas on just what a "dragon Rarity" ought to be like.
Mm, but that'd potentially also drag things out as Twilight works to overcome that, because obviously the story needs all of these characters to still come with and help her to the point the story can't really move on without that guarantee, and obviously none of these characters would be willing to humor Twilight on her quest at all if they didn't actually have any faith in it, and thus that'd all have to be overcome first...hence the dragging it out. So there's potential downsides to that approach as well (and part of the reason why I didn't pursue it much--it worked better for the overall story and it's pacing to not to in most cases, even if it came with it's own costs).
Besides, the argument could be made that all of them accepting Twilight fairly easily is part of why they were destined to be the Elements of the Harmony at the end of the day--they all had the right outlooks in life and each other so to open that door for themselves.
This might actually be easy enough to retroactively add in, so I'll keep it in consideration when I do that edit-through (was hoping to get to it tonight, but it's already late enough for me that it might have to wait until tomorrow at the earliest).
I agree this isn't a good thing to be doing (up to a point, of course, or else it one couldn't exactly still call it "kid-friendly"), but I disagree this is the case with Spike and Applejack, especially since there is an in-universe reason for them to not be roughed up. Pharynx wasn't looking to make an enemy out of anyone here--particularly with any non-changelings--he was just supposed to capture Twilight and bring her back to the hive as ordered while also trying to keep changeling involvement in this whole Nightmare Moon affair to a minimum. Since just talking it out or capturing her outright wasn't working, he took Applejack and Spike prisoner so to use them as a bartering chip to get Twilight to cooperate, and deliberately chose not to harm them to show he was willing to be nice about it so long as Twilight agreed to surrender herself in exchange for their freedom. But if she didn't agree...then he would've dealt them some harm to both show he was serious and to try and force Twilight to a breaking point, knowing she wouldn't stand for it (and it was working until Nightmare Moon interrupted).
So basically Pharynx didn't rough up Spike and Applejack on purpose because he really didn't have reason to, given his goals. Ultimately Pharynx wasn't the bad guy here, and it was never my intention to spin him as one. He's really more the anti-hero, just trying to follow orders, and gets increasingly frustrated when things weren't letting him do that as well as he wanted. He doesn't need to be gratuitously violent to achieve that goal.
So no, I don't think I was "nerfing" that whole sequence any, since there was a rhyme and reason for it going down that way.
True, but I still argue the two-parter did this to an absolute fault, and I've really never quite forgiven it for doing so, and because it did that, it left the Mane 6 forever restricted by that intense application of those singular unique traits, so much so that has always been my one big criticism of how the Mane 6 were written...or at least originally conceived. Personally I felt how MLP handled subsequent group characters such as the CMC, Young 6, and, later still, G5's Mane 5 were all better managed/written, because all of them didn't have intense focus on singular traits like that, and thus the freedom to evolve more naturally as needed. I was shooting to do the same thing here by removing that need to call out those singular traits like there was something needing to be proved here that I don't think it did.
Ultimately, I think this will ultimately have to be a case of the story overall not meeting all of your expectations as a reader. Which stinks, of course, but it's also par for the course for me as the writer, because sometimes it can't be helped--you can't win them all, after all. Not to say that I'm not keeping in mind your criticisms, of course, because I am. They're just probably going to be better served filed away for consideration in future stories.
Best story I've read in a while defiantly had me hooked.
11435773
Briefly in regards to Rarity and characterization, I think I wouldn't mind her having an unexpected one if it really felt like she had a big impact on scenes, but it more felt like it served to remove potential impact to lubricate the plot advancing, and I don't think she had an impact on later scenes after things advanced.
It does make sense that Spike and AJ were just roughed up a little given Pharynx's motives, but I think what breaks things for me reading it (and perhaps I'm unusual here) is the way Spike responds; he starts by calling out that they're unhappy with the situation, which is both unnecessary to say, and immediately trivializes the possibility of even emotional harm, let alone physical, and he could stop there (which would be a more realistic way people usually talk), but he goes on to say they've only got scrapes and bruises, which is where most kids' cartoons would stop, and then he adds that they've "not really been hurt", which serves to focus the statement more.
I think what also adds to this is the the situational element that Spike and AJ are the first characters actually captured by Pharynx's group, as well as the first ones affected by any kind of danger within the chapter; both Pharynx's group and the Everfree are built up to be super dangerous threats, but both are effectively defeated in terms of being dangerous in one fell swoop by this. On top of that, we get the impression in an earlier chapter Pharynx's group at least mentally tortured Goldstone, if not outright injured him, but just before Spike's dialog, we get a bit implying they did nothing to him.
For some advice on potentially fixing the situational issue:
For the "scary forest of danger" thing, I think a lot of kids' movies take the approach where the heroes meet some cute critter, and it either turns out to be trying to kill them, or it gets carried off/eaten by something bigger, or both.
For the villains, I think leaving more ambiguity on what they did to Goldstone is key, so as to not ruin the earlier impressive chapter end retrospectively. All we need to know for sure is he was alive when they left him, and that he was in some way shaken so they had at least a minimal lasting effect. The current "nearly wet himself in his hurry" can by the most brutal interpretation mean they punched him a bit and told him what they'd do, while something immediately better would be "needed new clothes and his mommy after we got him to agree", as you can go all the way in interpretation to the idea his clothes were bloodied and he'd need therapy, but still on the other end, may just be Pharynx using exaggerative language.
It could also help to save Pharynx revealing Goldstone's even still alive for after Pharynx is done being a threat to Twilight's goals, and this would work well with Pharynx wanting to scare her.
the format where twilight meets each member of the party one after the other is the way it worked in the show, and the only way that it made sense to do it, but it made the group feel unbalanced to me (like applejack was very devoted to the cause after not much time with the group) other than that I think it's well made and it held my attention throughout. also I would have liked to not think critically about this but i guess i should have avoided reading the comments then
11438689
Admittedly, I wasn't sure anyone was going to catch that little reference, since I had to change the context slightly due to the nature of the scene.
There's the gypsy zebra Pinkie. X)
Any more of this universe? I loved it.
11439905
Unclear. I said in the author's note that I probably wouldn't write any follow-ups or sequels...but that said, I have since had a few ideas about at least answering that question of what's next for these guys they were asking at the end there...so we'll see. As for all of my fics, I make no promises.
Of course, that being said, I'd be totally okay with someone else writing follow-ups or sequels for this themselves, if anyone wanted to, so there's that too.
11439931
Thanks for anwsering. Well, I hope to read more from you, as it is usually the best way to wirte. If you created something - you know what to do with it the best.
11435240
But hopefully that's fixed now.
All right, it took longer than I originally expected (making me all the more glad I posted the story when I did anyway), but I've gone back through and did another editing pass. Having done that, I can see what you meant--there were some big flubs scattered about through there.
11435933
Also, I wanted to say that I made a few tweaks with consideration with some of the points you'd made. Nothing dramatic, mind you, in fact most of them are fairly minor (and possibly not necessarily what you had in mind) but I wanted it on the record that your input wasn't going overlooked nonetheless.
11441243
The going into the Everfree part is I'd say marginally better, and yeah, certainly not what I had in mind (I was thinking full-on Bugbear or Ursa Minor fight scene). Some easy improvements from here would be to have Fluttershy actually ensnared by the plant temporarily, and the manticore to violently knock into them as it's running, so there's at least a sense that they don't just sidestep all the dangers.
Also, if any change was done to the AJ and Spike bit, I couldn't really tell, it still feels the same.
11441472
Like I said, no dramatic changes made, and personal interpretation still applies to all of it, done as I personally felt it would best be applied. For example, I didn't really change anything about the AJ and Spike bit except to tweak the phrasing of one sentence to taste as I still don't think it's really a problem at all...but because I did still change something about it, and consciously did so thinking of this matter when I did it, I can't exactly say I did nothing about it either, so...
Also, as of late, its a personal goal of mine to keep every chapter of a story I write under 10,000 words, as I've found from experience this seems to be the ideal average for readers. If it goes over 10,000 words, then I either split it into two chapters--something I didn't think was merited with any of the chapters in this story, particularly this long after its initial posting--or cut it back down to under 10,000 if I deem what is pushing it over 10,000 isn't story-critical. As the Castle of the Two Sisters chapter was already very close to hitting 10,000 words, there was only so much I could add if I still wanted to keep that personal rule, so that's why I didn't go into more depth about the stampede and such than I did. I'm not sure I really need to anyway, as that it happened at all wasn't the point I wanted readers walking away with, it was the probable cause of it. And that I feel is sufficiently conveyed with this edit.
11444157
Nah, I'm not THAT unoriginal.
This was really great and I loved your alternate take on the first double episode. It was interesting exploring the different regions that had been taken over by the various races, and keeping Twilight and the gang trying to stay ahead of Pharynx and the other changelings kept the tension up.
All the cast felt in character, and contributed well to the story, and while I will admit Applejack felt the weakest inclusion, she still felt very true to character. I was also really happy for Twilight was able to pick Celestia for her disguise. Any genre savy reader would pick it pretty quickly (I know I did), so the fact she picked up on it so quickly was surprisingly satisfying, rather than leaving it till a last minute reveal.
You've created a very compelling world here, and like others some other commenters here, I'd be happy to see more of if you ever get around to expanding with further stories.
11598652
Actually, while it was never explicitly stated, it was implied on occasion that other species at least had the capability--the griffons, for example, were shown to interact with clouds the same as pegasi, so presumably they could do weather manipulation same as them too if they wanted. There's at least no reason to assume they couldn't.
Whether or not they actually did so in canon though is open for debate...but as this story's obviously non-canon anyway, it's a moot point.
That all said though, I will admit I hadn't even stopped to think about this point of lore at all when writing the story, so...I'll admit I didn't exactly think it through like this at the time.
11598858
Yeah, pretty sure even if they could do weather manipulation as well as pegasi, the fact is that ponies are a particular kind of control freak over everything in a way that other species wouldn’t be.
Naming a few of the monsters (Timberwolves, Cragodiles, etc) and dangerous plants found by the four and a half (don’t ask!) explorers who made it out of the Everfree Forest alive would probably be enough to scare most away from entering the forest.
- - -
Now, as for a potential sequel, I think it could be very interesting to see what happens when Discord finally breaks free to see the nation gone and a bunch of different creatures now living in his own personal play set…