Originally an entry for the Choices: A Species Change Contest.
Tarla Sparklefeather. Griffon, ex-traitor, and an astronomer in Celestia's court. Her job is to observe and measure the stars, and prepare star-maps for all seasons of the year. Despised? Yeah. Loved? Perhaps - well, she hopes to be loved and more.
One night, she witnesses the sky changing. Stars of great importance move across the heavens, shattering great constellations and scrambling navigation. She searches for the answer to this unprecedented event, and finds it in an old, dusty, long-forgotten prophecy.
Nightmare Moon is coming back. And the stars shall aid in her escape.
Edited by TheAncientPolitzanian.
Chapters (5)
Ooh, cliffhanger o.o
I like how Celestia seemed quite assertive, it was rather fun.
Aidan seems interesting!
FYI, at the time of this comment, this fic doesn't seem to be submitted to the contest's group page, which I believe it would need to be if it's to be counted as an entry.
Unless there's a different species change contest happening that I don't know about, of course.
I assume Tarla will be this story's version of Twilight, then?
11430371
Haha, fixed. Thanks for messing with me
Yup. Hopefully she's in character.
Certainly a dramatic start, with the stars being spotted moving. Perhaps I'm biased for astronomy, but it really feels like a good way to kick off a scary mystery.
I hope the rest of the fic can deliver. Relatedly, I'd hope that Teen rating is a sign that Nightmare Moon isn't just gonna be knocking ponies over and causing mild inconveniences when she appears!
Yes, quite intriguing. I wonder if Rarity being mentioned is as significant as I think it is...
Wait, why do they have that? Is that from the war?
And already I want to knock that puffed wig right off of his head. He seems like the sort that ought to have his wig knocked from his head...among other things.
11434695
Yup. Beware of stallions in fine clothes and puffed wigs
11434452
No. It's a mural painting on the ceiling.
Well, they're at least jilted creatures, if the ongoing conspiracy we the readers have been made privy to has anything to say about it...or at least they think they're jilted...
Hmm, pacing is definitely on the slow side so far; there's a lot of talk from the characters, setting up prejudice and distrust themes, and it is very much feeling like it'll build to a bloody affair, but not much is really happening. I would've expected things to kick off by chapter 3 for sure.
And...at this point, I'm rather worried this won't be completed in time for the contest deadline.
11436617
Well, I figured it as much. I guess I'll just have to let it be disqualified
Hopefully next time I can make it.
Hmmm. Interesting stuff. Non-pony Elements? I'll read it. Hopefully it will be completed.
It's a real shame this wasn't finished in time for the contest, but I am certainly intrigued by the premise so far, and would love to see it finished. There's so many questions about this world setting and characters you've raised in the first few chapters that I'm interested to see how they pan out.
11437264
Well, are you going to finish it at least? Nice start, would be a shame if it just DIED now.
11464697
Well...
I really wanted to give up on this story, but... seeing you guys wanting more is now making me reconsider. Part of the reason I didn't want to continue is because it was written in a rush. I had little time to properly think the structure and all, since the contest deadline was approaching fast.
Well, I guess I'll give it a go.
Glad to see this chapter released!
I can always still knock that wig off his head--that offer's still on the table.
Understood--we get it, real life gets in the way sometime. Happy to see further progress nonetheless!
Is Tarla still going to transform into something else?
11519655
Likely not.
ooh! exciting to see more
One general note on your writing that could use a little attention though, in the scene with Tarla and Aidan you swapped between their perspectives quite a lot, which can be a little jarring for the reader. It's usually best to stick to one character's perspective at a time, only switching between a scene or chapter where the separation can be done cleanly, otherwise it can get a little confusing who's story it's supposed to be telling.
As an example:
In this section, we're experiencing the story from Tarla's perspective, as she's being introduced to the new area along with the audience, and we get her reactions, but by the end of the section I cut out, we're now inside Aidan's head and even getting his inner thoughts, without any clear point where the perspective changed.
It's not bad per say, but it's enough for a reader to be caught off guard by the unexpected shift in perspective and can take them out of the immersion for a moment.
Another general rule to keep in mind, is that when you have multiple characters speaking, whenever someone else speaks, it should be on a new line
for example, this should be two lines, instead of just one.
Still, I love the visuals of the Thestral community here, and interested to see more of this fun old Thestral Nisha. Keep up the good work!
Liar. You want this for the good of you and not much else.
There's not even any evidence for it, at least none that isn't more than circumstantial at best and easy to disprove if someone would actually lift a hoof to do it.
Heck, if there's really any conspirators present here, my first choice of suspect would be Minister Armilary.
Of course, we seem to have more than one conspiracy at play here...
Speaking of... *makes several angry swats in the direction of his stupid wig*
11552558
At this point, every pony who sports a wig is immediately sus. Wigs are sus, after all. Especially powdered ones.
Decent chapter, only held back by being all plans of the future...I suppose that's because of focusing on making the next chapter have a fun twist I think is coming, but still, just a bit of meaningful character interaction would go a long way when there's all this borderline exposition involved.
11556728
What do you suggest I could do to improve it?
11559445
Hmm, specifics are hard, but I'll try:
11560572
Thanks, I'll try to see what I can do. Writing has been a bit slow as of now due to school.
11560812
Any change in things?
11685156
I've abandoned this story.
But I'll still keep it here as a little memorial, and perhaps some history, for me to look upon. My writing style has somewhat undergone a change, and this fic is probably a remnant of what my writing used to be.
11685174
Oh, that's rather sad to hear. As much as it has problems with pacing and lack of focus, it still was pretty interesting to see where it was headed. Would there be any chance of a rewrite?
Also, you may want to at least change the status to On Hiatus or Canceled.
11685248
At the moment, I'm don't think so. I have a busy schedule, so it's kind of hard to decide what project I should focus on with my limited time and energy.