• Member Since 8th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 10th, 2013

PuzzledPegasis


E

What if you make a wish to get on a certain show on the hub? What happens if you accidently skip over some details? Hello, my name is Alexis and I'm a Pound Puppy. Don't worry, it's the new one. Oh and Twilight's here too. . .

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 18 )

Welp, here goes. . . :twilightsmile:

:ajbemused: wow this is short, sorry.

:rainbowderp:
I'm...too far stunned by the brilliance of this concept to think of anything witty to say. I'll be back later, once I've had time to read this, to give you my opinion!
EDIT:

Okay, I've read it now... and I'll be keeping an eye on this. Its a little stiff in places, a little wordy in some areas but not wordy enough in the important areas... but with all that said you have a very nifty concept here... even if it hasn't been realized yet. I'm an avid believer in the idea that a writer's skills can only improve over time, so I'll look forward to seeing how this story evolves along side you. Keep at it, remember to have fun, and you could have something special here!

Good concept, writing could've been better. Errors and such everywhere.

More please. :yay:
Are you a pegasister?

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Yeah I know about the errors and stuff, I don't write very often so I'm not very good at it. If you guys know who would want to edit this could you ask them? :twilightblush:

Yay, this will be fun. :pinkiecrazy: They're lucky the didn't get stuck with Strawberry Shortcake. *shudder*

For your proofreader woes, why not try Author Support? They have a section dedicated to proofreaders, so maybe you can try to make a friend! Its a very lovely group, so I hope you find success there. :twilightsmile:

For now though... I can suggest a couple of things.

"Your not looking so hot."

Should be "You're..." Think of it as "You are not looking so hot" but shortened so that it sounds better!

"WERE DOGS!"

Same concept. "We're" as in "WE ARE DOGS!"

Will they just think I dissapeared?

Ouch. I don't know what a "dissapeared" is, but is sounds painful :fluttercry: "Disappeared" is what you're looking for!

Outside of these, there were a bunch of little things. Try to keep your pacing between lines organized! Jumble is fun to play, but not to read :trollestia:

Hope this little bit helps!

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thank you :twilightsmile: i made some changes but I know I probably still missed some. Thank you anyway for the feedback :yay:

not much happens here, but, here's another chapter :unsuresweetie:

Uh oh. I hope Twi kept her pony digestive tract... or else :pinkiesick:

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Why are the doggies not concerned that she's eating grass? It usually indicates a major medical issue.

Hehe, this made me giggle. The writing has improved greatly from the earlier chapters, which is a great sign because that means the later chapters will be twice as enjoyable for those who are sticking around to continue to enjoy this, like me :pinkiehappy:

It looks like you took what I said to heart last time, so here's some more tips for you!

"Do we tell them were aliens?"

"No, they'll think were crazy!"

"So what now-?"

"Uh, were right here."

Simple mistake here, similar to what I pointed out last time. The word you're looking for is 'We're'. 'Were' is used in the sentence: "We were just there!" While 'We're' is the combining of the words 'we' and 'are', which is what you are trying to convey here. :twilightsmile:

From experience with typing myself, Fimfiction's editing system has a button that indents every appropriate break for you. I suggest you should try to use this feature in the future in order to keep the story looking neat, which is another thing you can do to improve the overall quality!

And for my last lesson for you today....

I held my paw out. "Hello, my name is Alexis." I gave the best fake smile I could muster up. Lucky held out his paw and shook mine, "Hello, I'm Lucky."

Consider separating this into TWO paragraphs, one for each speaker! From personal experience, the audience can get a bit confused if you have two different speakers sharing the same space, even if the two of them are addressing each other! Give them some space, darling :raritywink:

And that's all I have for you today, outside of the suggestion, neigh, the ORDER to continue having fun while typing this! That's what separates the one shot wonders from the TRUE writers! Hope to see more from you soon!

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Well there was no one really was her eat THAT much grass and Alexis doesn't know anything about dogs. Twi thought she would be okay though since she was a pony before, but that was a mistake :twilightoops:
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Thank your for all your help so far :twilightsmile: I'm having alot of fun writing this :yay:

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