ShrimpShogun
Joined 9th Apr, 2012 ·
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That, uh ... that's a random one. Was that supposed to mean something?
Not cool. There's actually are some idiots who think of Spike as a pet.
Also, "per say" is spelled "per se". Aside from those flaws and a misspelling of Owlowiscious's name, this was a pretty well-written nightmare. Owlowiscious was creepy as fuck.
1324732
Thanks a bunch for the help, guess I missed those, lol.
That first line about the fish market meant nothing. I was trying to look up redneck phrases for "being confused" and that one stuck out to me so I went with it.
What's wrong with Spike's bed? It literally is a doggie basket, or maybe a cat basket. I don't know, but it's pretty tiny. I didn't mean that as in Spike being a "pet", but simply that that's what his bed looked like.
I didn't realize some people thought of him as just a pet though. I suppose they haven't been paying attention to the show then.
Again, thanks a bunch!
i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb107/ellinidata/applause/applause-5.jpg
Also I got abducted by aliens once. I took pictures but I lost them in a freak accident involving Big Bird and a kazoo so you'll have to take my word for it.
1327390
You and your black hawk helicopters! The Loch Ness Monster ain't real!
...That owl is staring at me...
1327413
I approve. A mysterious presence, an intentional manipulation of the deepest trust held by a mind we've observed to have some fragile flaws, and the horrible but inevitable conclusion.
Nothing else could have happened.
1331536
Hehe, I'm sure you're just imaging things. You'll be fine.
1331580
I still don't even know what he's talking about.
Thanks by the way. I think I could've worked the manipulation better though. The intent was merely to calm Twilight and give her some reassurance and nothing more, at least that was the way it played in my head. Oh well, glad you enjoyed it though.
1331716
I realize that their intent was to calm her and nothing more, that came across well.
We know, however, that Twilight's faith in her mentor and mother figure is at the core of her being, any threats to the stability an sanctity of it have in the past driven her quite far off the rails.
Without understanding that, their use of her image constituted enough of a blow against her psyche to unbalance her completely.
Essentially a tragic accident.
Am I right?
1331843
Spot on.
1331856
hey, any idea what's up with the owl outside my window?
Dear god this was awful. Everypony is horribly out-of-character, Apple Bloom's whereabouts are never revealed (for closure. It's Apple Bloom.)
Why didn't a smart pony like Twilight see through the painfully obvious facade? Why the fuck is Celestia signing an execution order for Twilight Sparkle because "senators" forced her horn? Celestia is the highest authority, and there haven't been any hint of other government figures in Canterlot. Sure, you can create them, but using them like this? Ugh.
Where were her friends? Where was Shining Armor? How could they tear down Twilight like that, knowing that she's an Element of Harmony, the ultimate and last line of defense for Equestria.
And what were those grey things?
This isn't a complete story. It isn't even a good one. It's rushed, too much is left to implication, and the formatting is mediocre. Apple Bloom's name is misspelled as well. I get the impression that you were trying to write a dark, gory fic, but it's been executed poorly.
Filled with plot holes, but still terrifying. 6/10.
I want another chapter wherein they give Twilight an autopsy and find the things left in her brain and behind her eye and realize she was telling the truth.
1332033
1332234
I did expect that not everyone might catch onto to the events leading up to the abduction, seeing as the supposed actual paranormal events aren't as widely known, but I did expect my readers to realize what was taking Twilight. I'd say I did a pretty good job illustrating them, lol, but that's okay. Allow me to fill in those plot holes for you guys, and well, anyone else since I'm sure you're not alone.
The abductors were Greys, as in Grey aliens, you know, the grey bulbous headed aliens with the big black eyes that supposedly abduct humans in the night?
I'm not sure if either of you saw the film, "The Fourth Kind", hopefully you didn't because that movie was awful, but the illusion with the owl was brilliant IMO, which is where the idea with Owlowlicious comes from. I had hoped that the eyes in the picture I posted would provide another hint besides being downright creepy, but no worries.
Everything, from Big Mac's illness, to Apple Bloom missing, the crop circle (the circle Ditzy saw) were all based on supposed reports and eye witness statements from real life "abductions". People have also reportedly seen lights in the sky chasing them in their cars which is what I illustrated with Rainbow Dash. Not to mention the way the Greys entered Twilight's home, body paralysis, telepathy, the horrible tests, and illusion played into Twilight's mind that another Grey was actually the Princess were all also based on the abductee accounts.
I don't know though, 1332033, I think I did a decent job with their characters. I went into this obviously assuming none of the characters had ever come across Greys before or knew anything about them. There's no real reason to expect even Twilight to piece things together let alone assume Celestia was an illusion. She fought back against Celestia, having concluded that she'd been lied to and that Celestia and those Twilight saw with her were probably behind Apple Bloom''s disappearance and everything else. She lashed out, which is treason and an assassination attempt. When a dog bites his master, they put it down, which is what happened. Especially one with the amount of power that Twilight has. The Elements can easily be transferred to someone else as proven in the show. Celestia basically entrusted that power to complete strangers besides Twilight Sparkle, why couldn't any of them be replaced?
I'll probably give you her friends and Shining Armor not having been there might be a flaw, but my attempt was to get to the point and keep things simple. This wasn't meant to be a gorey fanfiction, but it's definitely mature. Anyway, thanks for the criticism and I'm pleased it grabbed an emotional response out of you, lol.
1332638
That sounds like a good idea, I might actually do that. Thanks!
1332916
rgifs.gifbin.com/062010/1275389857_naked-gun-facepalm.gif
That's not... But it doesn't... Oh, never mind.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJFMjAxMi8wNi8yNC8xNF8zMV8zM18xNDhfMTg2ODFfX3NhZmVfZmx1dHRlcnNoeV9hbmltYXRlZF9leWVfcm9sbAY6BkVU/18681__safe_fluttershy_animated_reaction-image_changeling_a-canterlot-wedding_do-me_eye-roll.gif
You're assuming way to much here. This is riddled with plot holes, and the most of the characters -- especially Twilight and Celestia -- are OOC by definition.
1336621
I think it's just adorable that you're trying extra hard with your Gifs to take this as seriously as possible. :3
I gotta respectfully disagree, bro. I mean the only couple plot holes I'll grant you is the ending, but this is an abduction story about an abduction case, which had never been witnessed before in Equestria. I don't think its too much to expect these reactions. Twilight finds not just her friends but herself being traumatized, threatened, and being taken by an otherworldly force that she can't explain and out of a desperate attempt to calm Twilight, they use the image of the Princess. Why wouldn't Twilight stand up for her friends and point out what she thinks is a clear evil? Why wouldn't she expect the Princess to deny it? She's gone bonkers before over any issue involving the Princess, so I don't see why this is any different.
I really don't see how the characters are OOC either. You say most, yet the main ones were Twilight and Celestia.
I know this is a fanfiction and I shouldn't care. I kind of don't, lol, but I just don't see what you're getting at.
Twilight idolizes Celestia. She'd have some kind of reclusive breakdown before being disrespectful and attacking her. Twilight is rational and analytical first. If she were abducted, I imagine she'd be scared at first, then start asking questions and try to gain information. She's actually got a pretty strong resolve, I can't see her crumbling and screaming like a filly that easily.
Princess Celestia's dialogue was too casual, and she was aloof and irate rather than caring and concerned. Twilight's been missing (as have other ponies, something she's almost definitely heard about by now), and Celestia tells her that she's being silly? Let me stress again, this is Twilight. Celestia cares for her far too much to treat her like this, let alone have her magic taken. Executing her? No... just no.
I want to say that I like this story. The sbduction was well written, and Owlowiscious was truly unnerving and creepy. You've just written it badly. If you'd consider revising it, I can see the story becoming a really good series if you're interested in expanding it and writing more chapters.
You could write about what happened to Apple Bloom and Rainbow. You could write about the ponies slowly becoming aware of and defending against the greys. You could create a plot arc that explores what they're doing in Equestria, why they're studying the ponies ect.
1338164
You know, in retrospect, that does make a lot of sense. I was probably going more for the dramatic than anything else and the dialogue could've been executed better, especially where you suggested. The way I went into it was Celestia just being overwhelmed by Twilight's accusations. Twilight had literally just seen her a minute ago, in her span of reference anyway, and now she's confronted with her again.
I think I might disagree with Twilight asking questions during the abduction though. The point was for it to be terrifying for her. Her body is paralyzed and her magic, the ace up her sleeve that she's had for everything, is easily disabled. Not to mention she's being opened up, prodded, and having things put inside her. She's conscious for the entire event even up to the eyeball bit. I'd expect her to break down quite easily rather than just probe for information, especially when they gave her almost no real break in the experience to do so. It's a scary topic, especially if you listen to actual eye-witness abductee reports who claim to supposedly been abducted. Though I could probably add a bit where they simply just spoke to her and got to know her, since that's also a reported thing too.
Anyway, I actually do appreciate the input and time you took to correct my errors. I'm more than likely going to spruce this up a bit and make it more logical after my next fic. Thanks for the help!
You're welcome!
About Twilight's reaction to being abducted - I think it could go either way. I might have written it a bit differently, but having Twilight freak out isn't OOC. You're right, it's a terrifying situation. My problem was with her trusting the fake princess so easily.
Anyway, good luck with your writing!
I think it was well written, as in: You have a way with your words, so that the story feels like it flows, and you give enough details wile not bogging down to keep it enjoyable. I'll be honest, I don't really like the plot, I didn't catch on that they were aliens right away. (As in, not untill i read your explanation.) I can't think of how to improve your story, while keeping the plot. So I'll just say again: It was very well written, even if it wasn't my forte. I'll give it a Thumbs up regardless. Good work.
I for one really enjoyed this story. It's a concept that hasn't really been explored before in pony fiction and I feel that you pulled it off quite well. I'll admit that I thought Twilight's reaction to the princess upon seeing her after the incident felt a bit strange to me, but when I think about it more ponies probably don't even have a concept of aliens as humans do so it's somewhat reasonable that she wouldn't have any other conclusion to come to. Even with that bit of oddness, the ending really made up for it to me with its emotional impact.
I'm eager to see more works from you and I'm sure the folks over at /mlp/ are also. Cheers!
1332033
My apologies to the author, but I pretty much agree with your review.
Not much else to be said.
» Mike
This was fairly good. I ended up drawing the same conclusion as Twilight, actually. Princess Celestia working with the aliens? What was she promised if she worked with them, or what was she threatened with if she didn't? Just how mad will she be with them for how this all turned out, and what will they do in response? Can anyone say "sequel hook"?
You know, this could be the next 'Cupcakes'
2863573
Looking back, I feel like I should've stopped this once Twilight woke up on the doorstep and left it at that. Would've been a lot better as well as just tying up a few loose ends, and that would've helped with the idea.
Thanks for that though.
2910291 I might just make a sequel based on what happened after, if that is ok with you.
3707913
Go for it!
3800112
Thanks
What exactly did the greys do to twilight?
Having finally gotten around to reading this (my "read it later" list is fuckhuge) the attack/treason/execution ending feels tacked on and a bit over-edgy. Twilight eventually realizing that the Celestia she saw during her experience was a fake the aliens used to try and calm her down would've been a lot better... well, that and I wonder why they didn't hide her memories of what they did in the first place.
Plus, it's not like the M6 and the Princesses wouldn't realize something was going on - maybe Applebloom might've come forward with her own story if she remembered anything, and then everyone would start putting two and two together.
Oh hey, I saw that short film too.
2394785
The sequel, if it existed, would probably be Celestia investigating what the hell happened to her student to drive her nuts like that.
Too bad the primary witness in the case just got done dancing the hempen jig, so to speak.
Liked everything but the execution ending, wish there was a sequel where twilight and Equestria investigates the matter.