"Milk Run to Ponyville" is a re-telling of parts of the pilot episode through the eyes of one of the Pegasus Guards, who I've arbitrarily given names to. As such, this is not tagged as an OC submission, because I'm not changing the actions of those characters; I'm just giving them a voice and some extra background. It intentionally stops at the beginning of pt.2 of the pilot, since that's the last time we see the Pegasus Guards in that episode. Teen rating is for language, which is roughly basic-cable.
Right now, I'm just planning on doing this entry - but I could be talked into doing more. :-)
Chapters (1)
This interests me. Really, it's pretty well done, both as a one shot and as a potential start to something else. Your character is interesting, and hey, Royal Guards look pretty much alike, so you could really stick them in pretty much any story. In all, a pretty excellent fic!
I approve of this, Sir.
You know, this is pretty great. Your writing style is awesome, your characters are interesting and accessible, everything is in tip-top shape. The only problem is, we already know what happens!
Personally, I would love to see you take this idea, but write your own stories where the guards are actually the main characters instead of background ponies.
But I guess that sorta defeats the purpose of writing this. Anyways, it's very clear that you've the ability to write "horse words what are least bad", as TAW would put it. So I'll be giving you a watch and I'll see if you've written anything else...
There is a group of characters whose fate it is to go charging towards the villain of the piece and then get slaughtered, just to establish the character as a credible threat. These were the unfortunates in the MLP: FiM pilot who got that duty. I wonder if they survived?
1323968 Cancer. Fucking cancer. Next thing you know, we're going to have to fill out a captcha every time we want to comment. Fuck's sakes.
Hey, many thanks to all for the great comments (and yes, I nuked the spammer. Goddamn, I hate those guys.)
I'm thinking about continuing this character as "background" to some of the established episodes where we don't necessarily see the Royal Guards, but it stands to reason they might have been called out. Hmmm...any suggestions for candidates?
Love this community! Brohooves for all (except the spammer - cancer for you, asshole.)
All:
I wanted to draw your attention to my recently created Learnist board on Bronies: http://learni.st/users/ray.kimball/boards/6688-my-brony-journey
FiMFic is featured prominently.
I hope the community will read this in a spirit of self-examination. I'd welcome comments from the community on the board itself, especially if there are things I got wrong.
Thanks for all the great work you all do for the Brony community.
Ray Kimball
Doctoral Candidate in Learning Technologies, Pepperdine University
Good story. Spelling and grammar are impeccable, and that's always been a major selling point for me as far as fanfic goes.
I understand that you have previous military background; it shows in your writing. However, I cannot see the point in abbreviating a phrase (for filly's sake) that you only intend to use once. I don't understand why you abbreviated that phrase at all, really.
Also, my opinion is that you hit the 'pony' theme a little too hard (Pony Maintenance Checks and Services, Basic Pony Training). Pony isn't really needed here. Readers here should already understand that they are reading ponyfic; it doesn't need to be rubbed into our faces. The show is notorious for inserting 'pony' where it is relatively unneeded; that shouldn't be a rail for you to ride, but a guideline as to where you could insert a clever pun or pony reference to liven up a description or something.
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Read the board; loved it. You really did your homework, and it shows. Also, I enjoyed that you did not prove squeamish about mentioning Rule 34, as others have been in various studies of the fandom. Pat yourself on the back, you've earned it.
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An episode that I would suggest in which the Royal Guards are featured but not truly established would be 'A Canterlot Wedding'. I've always wondered what was going through the minds of the Guard during the invasion. Plus, it could give you some practice in writing fight scenes.
Another suggestion would be 'Luna Eclipsed'; a story dealing with the Night Guard/Batponies/whatever you want to call them. What was going through their heads while Luna was off gallivanting? Why do they look so different? Do they share the same mentality as the rest of the Royal Guard?
Keep up the good work. I hope to hear more from you.
p.s: Just because pegasi have wings doesn't mean they have to have 'wing' in their name. Experiment a little.
Hmm. Well-written, but not enough plot to make it anything more than that. A bit of shame, but, well.