Eris's Riddle

by hahatimeforponies

Achaea

Bitter wind howled through the streets of Troy. Today marked the sixth straight month of winter in Hippaea - snow was falling at all hours of the day, this year's crop had already failed, and every day, reports came of another victim of the ice. Nopony had any idea why this was happening, or even, for that matter, if it was happening elsewhere in the world; the sea had frozen solid, barring ships from leaving, and the Horsehead mountains to the northwest were bound with glaciers, rendering them impassable. Food stores were running low, and the situation was reaching crisis point - this very conundrum was the subject of the meeting in the grand Hipparchium, between the leaders of the three pony tribes - the military autocrat of the pegasi, Commander Hurricane, Crown Princess Platinum of the unicorns, and the archon of the earth ponies, Chancellor Tiramisu.

---

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up a second. Tiramisu? What happened to Chancellor Puddinghead? Twilight re-read the sentence, just to make sure it actually said what she thought it said. A distant thunk caught her attention, and when she turned her head to investigate, she found Pinkie Pie sprawled out under the remains of her book fort, and Rainbow Dash still tossing volumes on the pile. She quirked a brow, and settled back in. I guess I wouldn't put it past the censors to... alter the characters a little. "Puddinghead" is a lot easier to sell to the foals than "Tiramisu". I suppose it should surprise me more that these ponies existed at all, I always thought this story was just allegory!

---

Negotiations raged for days on end, always going around in circles; Tiramisu and the earth ponies were accused of hoarding food for themselves, Hurricane and the pegasi were accused of being responsible for the extended winter, and Platinum and the unicorns were accused of abusing their magic. As the summit dragged on, the mood only grew fouler, and accusations gave way to insults. "Freaks", cried the earth ponies. "Imbeciles", cried the pegasi. "Brutes", cried the unicorns. Before long, the summit collapsed under the growing weight of ethnic strife; the unicorns had the visiting delegations expelled from Troy, the earth ponies returned to their farms in the countryside, and the pegasi retreated to their stronghold atop Mount Olympegas.

"Attention! Private Viola!" Commander Hurricane was the first leader to arrive home, eager to vent her frustration on her subordinates. Private Viola, her personal assistant, was one of her favourite whipping horses - a skittish individual and a weak flier, hardly suited for military life. As shrewd a leader as Hurricane may have been, not everypony was convinced that she was altogether 'with it' upstairs. "I said, attention!"

"Oh! Commander Hurricane!" The shy private prised herself from the a cloud bank. "Sir h-how did the summit go, sir?"

"Horribly!" Hurricane hurled a stray lump of cloud in her frustration, letting off a small spark of lightning when it collided with another. "Those pathetic earth ponies and unicorns have no respect! Who do they think keeps this land safe? Who do they think slays their dragons and breaks up their storms for them? Huh?"

"Uhm..." Viola struggled not to hide behind her hands.

"We do!" The Commander's sudden yell made Viola jump and squeak with fright. No matter how long she was working as her secretary, she never got used to her outbursts. "Ugh, I've had it with everyone today! I'm retiring to my quarters and do not want to be disturbed! Is that clear?"

"Uh... s-sir yes sir!" The trembling Private Viola stood to attention again and saluted, freezing in place until her superior slammed the doors to her house behind her.

As soon as she was sure she was alone, Hurricane sighed and made herself comfortable, tossing her helmet aside and getting straight to work on removing her armour. A blur in the shadows sent a chill down her spine, and she immediately stopped. She tried to scan the room, but the half-light made it hard to see anything, and she backed away from the dark corners. One hand tentatively reaching for the sword on her belt, she lowered her stance, ready for anything the shadows might throw at her...

"Ohoho, come now... why so tense, Commander?" ... except that. The voice was deep and masculine, but sourceless and omnidirectional. It made her jump back and pull her sword free.

"What? Show yourself!"

"Relax..." Her discarded helmet swayed a little on the floor, and a snout poked out of it. Her first instinct was to run up and kick it, but she quickly abandoned that plan when the nose was followed by a long head, adorned with horns from different creatures, and a serpentine body, made from a patchwork of borrowed components. "I'm not here to kill you." Hurricane just took a couple of stunned steps back, and raised her weapon again. "Apart from anything, it just wouldn't be fair, you're unarmed, after all..." Upon a click of the stranger's fingers, her blade turned into a twig. The surprise made her drop the twig and shy back again. The moment it hit the floor, it turned back into a sword again.

"What... what kind of sorcery is this?"

"Never mind my parlour tricks. I just wanted to... have a little chat..." The beast propelled itself through the air like a sea snake swimming, coming to a rest over Hurricane's shoulders, his long face hanging uncomfortably close. "... about this whole, summit debacle..."

"What do you know about the summit?" she growled.

"Oh please, all of Hippaea could hear you three screaming at each other. All of this over some silly little wendigoes..."

"Wendigoes?"

"Didn't you know? That's the reason for this deep freeze. Winter spirits, feeding on disunity and discord... and if that meeting was anything to go by, there's plenty of that to go around..."

"Huh... disunity..." Hurricane's disgusted snarl started to slip away as the cogs in her head began to turn.

"But how were you to know that? I'll bet the unicorns already knew, but they were hardly going to just up and tell you what was going on. And those earth ponies, well... it's a miracle they know anything at all. And heavens know that they're not going to cooperate if they can help it."

"So if they won't work together under their own steam..." She didn't even notice the serpentine beast slipping away, absorbed in her own thoughts as a sly grin crept across her face. "... then we'll just have to make them..."

---

"Clover the Clever!" Princess Platinum wailed, ascending the spiral staircase to her quarters. "I need you!"

"Coming..." came the exasperated response, accompanied by the slam of a door and some hurried sprinting down the steps. When Clover found the Princess, she was leaning against the wall, her chest heaving.

"Clover, be a dear and... carry your Princess up to... her bedroom? I simply can't... make it up in this cold..."

"Uhm...." Clover blinked. Typical Princess Platinum - the meeting was practically downstairs in the same building, and if she was still cold under that many layers of fluffy cotton and silk, then she had bigger problems than needing to get up the stairs. Still, she put up with the Princess's folly if it meant getting to study under Starswirl the Bearded. "... yes your majesty, right away..." Her horn started to glow and twinkle, as she plucked Platinum from the stairs and floated her up the rest of the way. "So how was the summit, your highness?"

"Oh, simply dreadful! Those ruffians have no respect for the proper order of things! Those pegasi think they can just strong-arm all the food for themselves like barbarians, and those earth ponies just would hoard it and starve us! Unicorn families have ruled Hippaea for centuries! Who are they to turn around and start tearing away at the foundations of society at a time like this?"

"I'm sure they'll see reason eventually, your highness..." Clover swung the door open and closed with particular vigour, if only to mask her irritation.

"I do hope so, but I can't say I'm confident..."

"Is that everything, Princess?"

"No, that's quite enough help, be off with you." The Princess pouted and readjusted her clothes, prompting Clover to (reluctantly) bow and depart. Now in privacy, Platinum gingerly removed her gown by magic and set it down on a chair by a dresser. She sighed, flicked her mane back and went to a cabinet to fetch her night gown. But when she opened it, there were more than dresses inside.

"Expensive tastes, I see?" The source of the voice was unlike anything she'd ever seen; here was this snake-like beast, with all manner of mismatched appendages attached to it, lying on her dresses, chewing on a ruby. She jumped back, but before she could even inhale to scream, the creature reached a hand to her and placed a finger on her lips. "Come now, let's be civil..I'm just here for a little... tête-à-tête."

"W... what do you want from me?" Platinum was trembling and staggering back from the closet, giving the beast room to slither into the light. He floated in mid-air, with no obvious means of doing so; his wings were perfectly still.

"Straight to the point, eh? Well, truth be told I'm not looking for anything. In fact, I have something for you!" He shot forth and slinked up next to her, throwing an arm over her shoulder. She winced and ducked, but hesitantly stood straight again when she found herself unharmed. "A little bird told me that the pegasi and earth ponies are looking for a little... payback for what happened earlier."

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"They're... shall we say, out for a bit of blood..."

"I still don't follow." The beast furrowed his brow and snorted. So much for subtle hints.

"They're planning to attack Troy for being booted from the summit."

"Ohh, right..." Platinum nodded slowly. Then, when it finally dawned on her, she whipped up into an absolute fury, pacing her room and screaming. "Why, those scoundrels! They've completely forgotten their place! This is insubordination! This is treason! I'll have their heads! I..."

"Your highness, who are you talking to?" Clover's voice outside the door made her jump. She looked around, and the beast was gone.

"I... no...pony! Nopony at all! Everything's fine!" Platinum gave a little nervous chuckle.

"O...kay..." As soon as she heard Clover returning to her study, she resumed her furious muttering.

---

Fthoom. The chimney of a rural town hall was violently relieved of its soot as a pony forced herself through it, ruining her suit, and the hearth while she was at it. Fortunately for her, the fire was out when she landed.

"Uhm... wouldn't it have been easier to use the door, Chancellor?"

"Silly Brandywine!" Tiramisu hauled herself out of the fireplace with a giggle, not missing a beat. "That's what the assassins want me to do!"

"... Of course." Brandywine frowned, painfully reminded that this was not unusual for the Chancellor. She coughed and brushed some of the soot off her waistcoat, and decided to move on before the conspiracy theories started. "So how did the summ-"

"Ohmygosh protect me!" Without warning, Tiramisu jumped behind her secretary, holding her between herself and something in moving in the shadows.

"Chancellor..." Brandywine sighed, and folded her arms. "... that's a pigeon."

"I'll bet it's an evil pigeon! Quick! Fetch my sword!"

"But..."

"Go go go!" Before she had a chance to protest, she was being pushed out the front door and into a heap of snow. She groaned, muttered something about democracy not working, and wearily carried out her instructions. Inside, Tiramisu was still glaring daggers at the pigeon. "I'm watching you! No funny business!"

"Oh, but I thought you liked to laugh, Chancellor!" Her jaw dropped. Did that pigeon just... talk? As she stood there, blinking incredulously, the bird hopped from the rafters and fluttered down to the desk. It settled on top of a mug, and promptly exploded in a puff of feathers and smoke. By the time she'd wafted the worst of it away, she saw in its place a bizarre serpentine beast, sprawled across the table, resting his head in one arm - a lion's paw - and picking his teeth with the other - an eagle's claw.

"I knew it! Evil pigeon! Evil pigeon!" She screamed, shying back and pointing.

"Oh, relax..." With a click of his fingers, he pulled a low-slung wicker chair from the other side of the room, simultaneously tripping her and catching her in it. With another, he conjured a glass of apple brandy into her open hand. She wasn't sure whether to be very alarmed or pleasantly surprised. "If I was going to kill you, I'd have gone through the door." His quip drew a vindicated snort and smirk from the earth pony. "Though... I do have an idea who might try."

"What? Who? Who!"

"Well, think about it. You - the earth ponies - have the food. The pegasi and unicorns want the food. And if you're not giving it to them, they're going to try and take it."

"But we can't give them any food! We barely have enough to feed ourselves!"

"Oh I know, so tragic..." The beast pulled an exagerrated frown and dreary voice, slinking over to her to rest on the back of the chair. "Of course, there's another way around it... if there aren't any pegasi or unicorns to feed, they don't need to be fed! With their fancy flying and magic, they're taking way more food than they deserve. Earth ponies could do so much better if they didn't have to feed them, right?"

"... right..." Tiramisu took a sip of the brandy and started to stroke her chin, a devilish smirk growing in the corner of her mouth. In three different places, three different ponies said the same thing to themselves;

"Tomorrow, we march!"

Comments

[Streamline]

Wow. Took so long to update that I forgot about it. But now I'm happy.

[hahatimeforponies]

275639 Yeah, I had a pretty crazy... wow, nearly three weeks! Every assignment ever, all due at the same time, and then there was the February Write-Off.

[Streamline]

275655 I just noticed a mistake: "I'm sure see reason eventually, your highness..." Clover swung the door open and closed with particular vigour, if only to mask her irritation.
Should be "I'm sure they will see reason eventually, your highness..."

[hahatimeforponies]

275687 RRRG these things slip by all the time. I shouldn't proof-read the same day I finish the chapter xD Thanks though.

[The Grey Pegasus]

Oooh, earlier today I was thinking 'When will this update? It's been a while.' (I passed by it deep in my tracking list) My thoughts have been answered. Interesting read as always, with reimagining almost everything, which is really awesome.

[DreadedCandiru2]

Oh, my.....so the Windigoes were DisQord's calling card. Good to know. Also, interesting how the Earth pony leaders' names were altered as the ages went on.

[catrianheir]

Every time Tirimasu was "on screen" I imagined her sorta like that guy in Samurai Warriors with the white face, the high-pitched voice, and the fatness. I'm not good with Samurai Warriors names, seeing as I only know of them from Warriors Orochi. I play mostly Dynasty Warriors.

[hahatimeforponies]

277296 It's part of a comic series where Discord picks up ponies and makes them squeak like dog toys. It quickly devolves into other such silly torments as tickling, pushing Applejack and Rainbow Dash together and going "AJ and RD sitting in a tree..." But when he tries messing with Derpy, well... he regrets it shortly after.

[Tribal Typhlosion]

Exactly how many chapters is your story and I hope this one ends well like the last

[hahatimeforponies]

309779 Probably going for a similar chapter/word count, eventually.

[please delete]

TO WAAAAAAAAARRRR!

[themanesix]

ah Discord, even 2000 years ago you are being you