• Member Since 5th Nov, 2011
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"I pull up, hop out, air out - made it look sexy." - Kendrick Lamar

Comments ( 273 )

Definitely tracking; I love the running commentary, very noir, very skilled and well worded to create the character of Manehattan. Well done, sirrah! :eeyup:

Thanks for reading and commenting :twilightsmile:. If you like Eyes Without a Face be sure to check out my other story Everfree. It's a war drama. Very different style of writing from this story, but I promise its just as well written.

Well, this looks promising. Feels a bit inspired by Frank Millar's writing in a few spots, but it feels closer to Batman: Year One than The Spirit, so that's a good thing. Keep it up.

At first, I was going to say there was too many repetitive lines, but then I realized that 1) this isn't just a first person narrative but also a stream of consciousness as well and 2) our protagonist does have a sucking bullet wound in her lower 'torso' (Is that the proper equine anatomical term?) and had a knife lodged in her back, so it wouldn't be a stretch to say that the pain is effecting her thoughts. Also, the amount of blood she lost... Either way, keep up the good work.

Truth be told chapter two didn't turn out as good as i would've liked, unlike chapter one which I feel came out perfect. I think I might have rushed it a bit. I might rewrite it later.

Thanks for reading, though and thanks for the feedback. I promise to try to perfect my noir style, but I'm new to the genre so please bare with me and I'll do my best to make it worth your while.

Just got done reading the first chapter after you recommended it to me Jub. Sounds almost like Rorschach from Watchmen in the narration. Glad you recommended it to me. Now tracking.

While I do agree with Clu about the repetitiveness, I think it suits the narrator's view that she and Redheart are "broken". Whether that was your intention or not, I do not know. Either way, I enjoyed reading this, and look forward to the next installment.

Huh, I'm not all that much into shipping, but I can't help but feel bad for Redheart since Rose is probably going to break her heart next chapter. I must admit the reveal of our probable main antagonist caught me by surprise, despite the fact most fanwork treat griffins as villains. Perhaps I just don't see Gilda as a charismatic enough individual to rise to the top of a crime syndicate. Either way, keep up the good work.

Really, I'm the only person who'll comment on this fic… Well, I'll be honest and say I didn't expect this to get this… cloppy so soon. I can definitely see the "Sin City" influences, but I think you may have tipped your hand on the identity of "the psycho" by bringing the "cowgirl" into this chapter. Regardless, I found the tone and discription of Redheart's departure and the interrogation in the loo perfect. Keep up the fine work and I await the next chapter.

Was it too heavy handed? Drat, not my intention :facehoof:. Nice to see you caught my little ode to Sin City's Nancy, though. I do like to pay homage to those great authors who came before me whenever the chance presents itself.

I actually tried to keep the "cloppyness" to minimum, as it is only meant to create a contrast between Rose's capacities for love and her capacities for violence. When I first wrote that scene it was much more...detailed, and so I decided to tone it down.

Speaking of tone I'm glad you commented on the tone of Redheart's departure, and I'm trilled that you enjoyed the scene in the restroom. As an author tone and especially description are very important to me (sometimes too important. I tend to get carried away), so to hear you say you enjoyed those two moments, as they were the two central moments of the chapter, is pretty awesome.

If you have any other criticisms I would love to hear them. Thanks for reading and I hope you'll stick with this story until the end :raritywink:.

Jesus. How did I not find this before? This is fantastic, so dark and gritty and just...wow. Holy crap.

This is brilliant to say the least. I enjoy your unique style of writing and await on baited breath for more.

Your Fathfull fan,
-Tidaka Tathaos


...Huh, looks like you caught me off-guard. Here I was thinking Scope was going to be more than a catalyst for the main body of the story, perhaps someone who sells Rose out to the psycho, leading into a climatic final confrontation. Speaking of which, I now have some doubts in my choice of their actual identity but it also feels like they are more linked to Daisy and Lily's murder more than before. Also, I'm intrigued as to Rose's strong dislike of unicorns and what its impetus could have been. Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading, slowly but surely.


Eyes without a face; belonging perhaps to some formless animal, or monster, or god.

Nice title drop. Well, this chapter was shorter, but its contents speak volumes. This chapter made me realize just how much of her "humanity" (Perhaps empathy/pathos is a more suitable term) Rose was losing through her actions. To quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Luckily for Rose (hmm, is her name just Rose, Roseluck or first name Rose last name Luck; the latter would allow you to make a Lady Luck pun...), looking into the eyes of the officer she was choking snapped her out of this purely ruthless mindset and maybe she'll try to work with more finesse and efficiency with her tactics. Also, I am delightfully surprised as to the symbolism of the elements of the soon to be costume, the purpose of the cape and hat were things I hadn't even pondered. Oh, you've also thrown more doubt on my theory of the "psycho" 's identity with the revelation of the Commissioner, so kudos for that. Once again, I look forward to reading the next installment. Good day.

PS: One thing I must ask, was it Tiger Voice or Scope's new partner that knocked out/framed Rose in chapter 5? I've read it a couple of times already (and maybe the insomnia is just messing me up) but I still can't tell.

"PS: One thing I must ask, was it Tiger Voice or Scope's new partner that knocked out/framed Rose in chapter 5? I've read it a couple of times already (and maybe the insomnia is just messing me up) but I still can't tell." To answer that question, you're not supposed too know for sure. I left it ambiguous on purpose. (don't worry it will make perfect sense by the end :raritywink:.)

" Also, I am delightfully surprised as to the symbolism of the elements of the soon to be costume, the purpose of the cape and hat were things I hadn't even pondered." You should know that this comment of yours has made my entire day, and possibly my entire career as a fan-fiction writer. I wasn't sure how that would go over and i'm glad you liked it.

as always thanks for reading.

I enjoyed the symbolism as well, though I'd already thought of the fact that the costume was designed for those things during the episode.

I'm still loving every word of this story, and pimping it out to everypony I can get to read it. Looking forward to the next chapter, and both shocked and fascinated by what you've done with Twi! I wonder... was that our Psycho? Or is our Psycho another of the Mane 6 whose element has gone a little... off?

*hits the last scene*


Oh... my.....

I love this story still, don't think otherwise for a second. You make even this, what I'm hoping is Rose's darkest moments, heartwrenchingly beautiful. But *damn* I was not expecting it to go there.

And, like Rose herself, this story finds its way back to the world of the living triumphantly! :pinkiehappy:

Made my day to see the update notification for this one, and I read it as fast as I could. Beautiful as always, and I think I'm actually glad to see what's happening to Rose here, as twisted as that might sound. :pinkiecrazy: She's learning the flipside of the darkness she's embraced, and hopefully it'll save her from taking it in too deeply.

That said, I would like to defend her, morally, for the issue with the Diamond Dog. Unlike Daisy and Lily, the Dogs were being *paid* to be bodyguards, and kind of trying to kill her. There's a world of difference between protecting yourself and murdering somepony in their own home who hasn't done anything to warrant it, and didn't know they were in danger. Even if she'd killed Filthy, he willingly stepped into what he knew was a dangerous world.


An excellent observation Shrinky, but unfortunately (and as you've probably noticed by now) Rose doesn't, or rather it would seem, is incapable of interacting with her world in such a practical, logical, and objective fashion. Rose feels things too strongly and is unable to differentiate herself from the people she encounters. Yes you're correct in saying that Rose was attacked and thus obligated to defend herself, but that isn't the point. The point is she did to another soul what was done to her, what effectively ruined her life, and because of that she see's herself as being the same as Manehattan and her criminals. That and the fact that she enjoyed doing it breaks her heart, because in the act of taking pleasure in another's pain, she embodies everything she hates and fights against.

Thanks as always for reading Shrinky, and sorry about the wait. This chapter took me forever to nail down, and I still don't like the way it came out :facehoof:. Might go back and tweak some things later. For now i'm glad you're enjoying my work, and I wish I had more readers like you...Hell, I wish I had more readers. My poor baby doesn't get many hits on this site. (Sshhh, don't tell Rose. It might upset her that no one is all that interested in her harrowing life journey :rainbowkiss: You know how touchy she can be.)

Hey, it happens, and I do my best when I can to boost that hit level. :) For example, I plan to use it as an example in a panel of mine that I plan to hold at Midwestria this September! :pinkiehappy:

And, of course, you also know about my other plan. :moustache: I'm just poking around to see if I can drum up any other VA's who are willing to help me out by taking on some of the dialogue. Speaking of which, if anypony reading this would like to volunteer to help with reading some dialogue into a mic, drop me a line. Please? :pinkiesad2: <- Sad Pinkie demands it!

(Is *she* the 'psycho' referenced in here? *ponders*)

Did you pull the chapters down for editing or something? I got an update notice, but all I can see is Noose Without a Hangmare now! :derpyderp2:

I read the story as it was the day before you took it down for editing, and I just want to say that it's one of the best things I've ever read. I've written Mare-Do-Well, as Pinkie Pie trained to use her Pinkie Sense and odd gadgets, and I'm slightly sad to say that your Mare-Do-Well absolutely shits all over mine. You make me feel the way Trent Reznor felt after Johnny Cash covered 'Hurt', or the way anyone who had written The Punisher felt after Garth Ennis started writing him. Please send me a PM or something as soon as the story is back up, I'd like to send some greatly deserved page views your way.

Short and bittersweet - though I wonder, did Nightmare Moon actually show up? Or was that Rose being a little :pinkiecrazy:?


I've written some Mare-Do-Well too, and this is heads over mine. (Of course, mine is blatantly an expy of Rorschache.)


That actually sounds awesome! My Mare-Do-Well certainly takes a few cues from Allen Moore's character Rorschach, but it's more inspired by Frank Miller's Sin City, and a few of Grant Morison's takes on Batman. I feel I have the character's voice down, and my narration is solid (if not a bit overdone) its just my actually storytelling abilities are not great. If I could get a few pointers on: Pacing, characterization, things like that. I think my scene writing is good in that I'm confident I can paint a pretty picture when something's happening, but I have no idea what to do when it comes to things like exposition.

In short I really could use some help :pinkiesad2:.


I think what you see as weak skills with exposition come off to the reader as highly disciplined first-person writing. The reader is kept tantalized by the sparse hints and details, and that makes every extra little thing we glean from Rose's narration that much sweeter.


Mmmm...hadn't thought of it like that before. Still I don't know...I feel like this story doesn't have enough downtime. Like there's too much happening from chapter to chapter. Does that make sense?


Chapters should be chock-full of elements, but it's true they need their downtime. Let's look at the following model graph, which I call "The Progression Chart."
1 3 /\
/\ 2 /\ / \
/ \ /\/ \/ \
/ \/ \

Basically, this poorly text-drawn graph indicates what a good story needs. The first hump , the Beginning, should go off like a gunshot, really get the reader's attention. The second hump, the Breather, should allow for some exposition and story as opposed to action. This allows the reader to become more comfortable in the world presented by the story. The third hump, the Buildup, is the events of the story that make way for the climax at the end of the story. This includes things like foreshadowing (which should be done in subtle amounts) and character development (which should be more noticeable and dynamic). The fourth hump, the Breakdown, is the final climax of the story. It is here where the heroes and villains finally face each other in a battle of wit, strategy, brute force, or other means.

If your story doesn't fit this model--it doesn't have to, but this being a noir adventure/mystery, it really ought to--then you should try rewriting it so that you know when to throw adventure at your audience, and when to back off.


thanks, this is actually very helpful.


If you'd like to thank me, you can read some of my fanfiction and give me some feedback, too. It doesn't necessarily have to be advice, but it'd be great if others read my stuff, too.

Damn, this is Sin City with ponies... Well, not quite, but I see the resemblance!

Redirected here from Chuckfinley's "Banishment Decree" he (or she) said it was really good.

This is really dark, but really well done. The repetition is very suitable for someone who is becoming unhinged from reality and spinning in circles. Will definitely continue reading!

Fascinating. The litany of Daisy's strangulation really helps make this. Excellent tone throughout.

I'm going with the first bit of what Shrinky Frod said, I guess I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect that.

I've enjoyed this story so far, but this chapter's conclusion is too far off the dark end for me. While your writing style is quite good and the story progression engaging, it's not enough to keep me reading in light of the extremely brutal content. If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you could put a note in the story's description warning of the graphic content?

Well I'm sorry to have lost you as a reader, Luminous. The story is tagged "Dark" for a reason; it's not a nice story and it's full of monsters and lowlifes and unfortunately our protagonist Rose is no exception. If it makes you feel any differently there aren't anymore explicit scenes of sexual violence, though there are several allusions to it and there have been since ch. 4.

If you've been paying attention, you've likely noticed by now that almost every scene of overt violence is followed by or coupled with some act of sex: Fedora/Blondie in ch.4, The Feds/Sparkle in ch. 8; even the death of Tiger Voice is tinged with sexuality. If you recall during his murder Rose describes the scene as Tiger Voice being "pushed into Manehattan's embrace," sharing "Bloody, gritty kisses," and in the end Tiger Voice "Passes out from the strain of their lovemaking. Even Rose's batons that she uses throughout the story can be read as a phallic symbol and a subtle metaphor for rape/sodomy, given that they are long shafts which she uses to hurt ponies.

All of this was done intentionally and the ending of ch.8 was meant to be the height of Rose's sexually depravity. Sure she decided that she didn't want to kill anymore after the confrontation in the interrogation room, but it's not until going too far with Sparkle and facing her true demon does Rose become aware of how far she's fallen.

But the healing begins in Ch.9. I highly recommend you give the next chapter a go before you give up on Rose and her story (and trust me when I say it really is her story. I love Rose because she's the kind of character who just writes herself.). But even if you don't that's cool too. Messed up stuff happens in my stories and I'll be the first to tell you my flare for depravity isn't for everyone.

Well thanks anyway for reading as much as you did.

I'd noticed the sexual allusions early on and while I can't say I felt totally comfortable (nor, I assume, was I meant to) it was at background levels. Then it just kind of ramped up exponentially in 8. It's like watching a horror movie: the monster dodges the camera for the first half of the movie, disturbing the viewers but keeping to the shadows until it's suddenly spotlit in all its horrific glory, shocking the audience. I'd been marathoning since chapter 4 and I think what I needed was a little break to get over the shock of having the monster thrown at me. It was a bit overwhelming (speaks for your writing).

I understand that what was done (the building of the symbolism and imagery) was done for the story (and for the character) and I can respect that. That said I've taken your advice and continued reading (it was worth it, I'm happy to say), for why do we watch heroes fall if not to rise with them as they pick themselves back up?

This story... This story!

This is my new favorite. Like, ever. So brutal, and horrible, and so beautifully captivating. You've got the noir feel down pat, and you write violence that could get kkat wet. Tracked the fuck up and faved and followed, all of that jazz. This deserves a thousand bazillion favorites. All the favorites.

Looking forward to more.

...Rose, I'm finding it hard to root for you. But I'll do it anyways.

Now you know how I feel about THIS STORY! :pinkiehappy:

Speaking of which... Jub, you magnificent bastard, you update it just before I go out of town for a business trip? Even if it is only an overnighter, I'm gonna be hard pressed to focus during tomorrow's training session knowing this is waiting for me!

Unless I read through it before bed... hmm.....

:yay: for stove-top interrogation. Painful, brutal, messy. I wonder what happens next.

Dude... Rose is definitely starting to fall. This is what happens when you blink while the abyss is looking back into you, and she's going to have a hard time coming back from it.

Though, to be fair, I don't know that the crash was entirely her fault.

My take awhile for me to get to this, I have five other stories waiting. But I will read it none-the-less, and when I do,I will tell you exactly what I think. If I like it, I'll let you know as well as anything I think you could work on.:scootangel:

681721 Agreed.

Too bad I liked Junebug. Now time to see what Temporal really was doing following Dee. But first I predict at least one beating.

I love this story because of its style it is truly unique

Fucking powerful.

You need way more views.

Thanks. And honestly, I'm perfectly content with the humble readership I do have.

Holy Horseapples! This story is interesting. I will continue to read this one.:scootangel:

Wait, who killed Daisy and Lily? Was it Rose? And why in the synopsis of the story, it said that Lily, Daisy, and Rose were all dead, but Rose is our main character? Is it explained later? Does Rose eventually die, and someone close to her takes over in her place? I have a feeling that I will need to keep reading to find these answers, and that is just the way I like it. BTW, spoilers will result in banishment to the moon.:trollestia:

well to answer your questions without spoiling anything: yes. I promise the synopsis and everything else will make perfect sense if, and only if, you read the entire story :raritywink:.

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