12. Wind's Fall
The Last Nightguard
Wind’s Fall
“Sign up for Direct Deposit today. No need to bother yourself with cashing a paycheck every two weeks when you can have your pay deposited into the bank of your choice for no charge. Fast, easy, and accessible when you need it. That’s Direct Deposit.”
—Flier from Fifth Crown Bank upon the bankruptcy and dissolving of the Fourth Crown Bank
Blank Cheque had either been born for a life of crime, or perhaps he should have been born a dragon instead of a unicorn. Either way would have satisfied his inner desire as Supervisory Clerk to never allow a single bit to escape his grasp without sufficient cause.
Well, what he considered sufficient.
The Department of the Exchequer was large in order to supervise the tax receipts and spending of the Equestrian state in a fashion that would have been approved of by the Office of the Princess⁽*⁾, if they had the time. In essence, the vast majority of the offices in the palace were representatives of Celestia’s personal household, proxies for the actual princess because she could not be expected to use her precious time to cook her own meals, arrange meetings, set the tables, care for the Royal Gardens, oversee the guards, and do any of the thousand other tasks that were required to keep the country running.
(*) Technically, Celestia and Luna were the sole members⁽¹⁾ of the renamed Office of the Princesses currently, but the paperwork had gone through very recently, and the new stationary had not yet been printed.
(1) There had been talk of appointing Princess Cadence to the office, but anypony who saw the way she shopped was rather hesitant about turning over the authority for the Royal Mint to such a ‘young’ princess.
—
The secret of the Equestrian Principality was that their Princess was a paid volunteer, not really a ruler. Back at the dawn of the country’s founding by the famous Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum, things ran rather smoothly due to their newfound friendship, which had proven powerful enough to defeat the Windigo as well as bring all the ponies to the warm new lands of Equestria. Alas, friendship is a poor thing to build a nation’s government from, which permitted a great deal of fractious discontent to grow. Two alicorns found themselves consulted frequently to mediate between ethnic and racial conflicts, to judge crimes where fair and honest decisions were critical, and to fight monsters that no mortal pony could triumph against.
In fairly short order, their positions were quantified at the top of the food chain as leaders of all ponykind, with certain oddities to the job. Where a small shopkeeper might have an accountant he hired during tax season, or a rich pony might hire one on a full-time basis, a nation required a much larger expansion of certain roles, much like the difference between a sapling and an Everfree Hometree. After all, they were both trees with spreading branches, of a sort.
The Royal Exchequer was one of those branches, and had sprouted many smaller twigs and leaves to carry the load. Nearly a thousand ponies across the nation were directly under the department, with many times that in various positions reporting to ExDep as they liked to think of themselves. Tax revenue across the country flowed into Canterlot under their unblinking eye, and similar payments for various budget items flowed out just as well. Exchequer agents were just as varied as the leaves on trees, but they all held to their positions as elements of the great organization with a certain innate superiority to all others, minus one exception.
The exception was not the Exchequer, who was a rather rounded pony with square corners in his mind. His own direct subordinates numbered just over a dozen, who in turn had a dozen or more subordinates of their own, and so forth down to the least of their numbers. No, the exception was a very simple concept: The Princess could not be everywhere to oversee this tempting river of cash, but she could employ several trusted ponies to do the job in her stead.
Auditors.
They came from branches of the military or powerful corporations, each one personally selected by Princess Celestia and empowered to act as she would in their place. No branch or twig of the Equestrian government was exempt from their dreaded presence where they wielded unlimited power at their disposal when examining books of government agencies or corporations. Each Auditor in turn could only be audited by Princess Celestia, but since their establishment centuries ago, no audit of the Exchequer Auditors had found more than a missing half-bit. Ever.
Which brings us to Blank Cheque, who had just experienced an Audit of unusual intensity, unprecedented since the dawn of Equestria.
First through the door to his office was an elderly batpony with an eyepatch and a grim attitude of perpetual endurance as if Death were hesitantly standing at his shoulder waiting until it was safe to quietly ask him to visit the Shadowlands for the long-overdue audit of the afterlife’s books. On the batpony’s shoulder sat an elderly raven⁽²⁾ who also had an eyepatch and one baleful eye remaining that peered at each of the paralized Exchequer employees in turn as if evaluating their eyeballs’ taste for a good pecking when they failed the Auditor’s strict standards.
(2) It was rumored that the raven had a degree in accounting also. It was fact that the Auditor’s favorite unicorn granddaughter was named Raven, and was the only creature in Equestria that could elicit the slightest of smiles from her grandfather, particularly when she uncovered corrupt political interference in her job as Celestia’s personal secretary.
—
Behind the first Auditor came another of even more terrifying reputation, and then another, until five Auditors had walked into his office like they owned the place, and no wonder, because they were accompanied by an alicorn who did. Princess Luna had not said a word, but settled down behind his own desk like a throne and began to review documents the aged Auditors began to produce. There was not even a trace of mirth in the air while they worked, because the alicorn made even the grim Auditors seem cheerful and frivolous by comparison.
Ledgers had been unearthed, some literally. Employees brought in for interviews, some of whom had been retired for a considerable time. Thankfully, there was no request to unearth some of the previous employees who had passed away. Numbers were examined. Calculations made. Not a single employee in Blank Cheque’s department even thought about running for the door and making an escape, because there had been stories about what happened to ponies who tried to flee an audit.
It was not pretty. And the unblinking gaze of the raven watched anypony who even thought about leaving.
Blank was starting to wish for the same armor worn by his managed departments, although the Royal Guard steel would not have protected him a bit from the cold accuracy of the Audit’s quills. In the end, two numbers had been calculated. One was rather large, but within Blank’s comprehension. The other was not.
Somepony had to bring the news. Blank Cheque had been selected.
* * *
Day had always been one of Ebon Tide’s favorite times. Working on the night shift allowed him to use his rare time off basking under Sun, sprawled out over a tethered cloud with few responsibilities. Well, other than being a father and husband to his family. His daughters had always given their old stallion a certain amount of relaxation time before dragging a cloud over his snoozing spot and trying to catch him in a sudden downpour.
They giggled far too much for a proper ambush.
Anger shaded those pleasant memories now. He remained mute and stewed while watching the sunbeams creep slowly across his room and silently tolerated the occasional nurse stopping by to help him take food in or release waste out. The Princess had obviously tired of his torture for her entertainment and returned to her comfortable life as if she had never left. He was discarded, a worthless piece of garbage to be thrown from the mountain city into the valley below. After a thousand years, the debris would be deep indeed, a sufficient amount to hide his corrupted corpse from the pristine princess in her golden towers.
The towers were probably gold. Eb had not even managed to see the outside of where the princesses now called home, or even look out the window of his room.
He was so tired. The blazing spark of hatred in his breast no longer drove him like a nettle whip, burning with the urge to bury his stubby teeth into Princess Luna’s neck in revenge for his departed comrades and family. She had a sister to welcome her home. Ebon Tide was a forgotten husk, decayed away to dust in the moon while the world passed. Nopony would welcome him back to his empty home, fill him in on the changes that had swept over the world, and embrace him with joy at his return.
No, that was not quite correct.
Eb dug under his pillow until he found the scrap of parchment, thin and slick instead of an expected thicker substance, and with the smallest, neat hoofwriting, clean and precisely showing his name written among his fellow Nightguards. Guards who had betrayed their oaths and given in to Nightmare Moon’s cloying promises and honeyed words. Guards who had died in revolt against their loyal princess. Traitors, although the page did not say so. They had merely been listed as lost.
Although another line on the page caught his eye with a jolt of recognition.
“Survivors,” he whispered, moving closer to the page until his nose fairly touched it. “Of course, there would be survivors, or Peanut would not exist,” he added once his thundering heart had slowed to a more survivable beat. Most of the names were unfamiliar to him, probably new initiates and trainees who had not yet advanced to be under his direct authority, including a Silversmith which he suspected was Peanut’s ancestor.
He was still deep in thought over the concept as the sun coming through his hospital window shifted to darker colors and Night began to approach. It almost made him miss the faint clicks of hooves on the hospital corridor, but not when Princess Luna and a nondescript beige unicorn with trim saddlebags came into the room, her with confident stride and him with a sudden glance over his back as if he were measuring an escape route.
“Warleader Tide,” started Luna, “Exchequer Blank Cheque has news for you. Speak.”
“Me?” squeaked the Exchequer with a nearly sideways jump at the abrupt introduction. “Oh, yes. Me, of course. Since I’m the only one here…”
The nervous voice trailed away as Blank Cheque caught sight of Eb, who had gathered his sheets around him like a nest to counter the occasional chill breeze that filtered through his room. It was obvious that meeting a nearly hairless batpony was not what he expected, but equally obvious that he was worried far more about something other than being in a room with his Dread Sovereign and a corpse-like nightmare.
“Keep it short, Blank Cheque,” warned Eb. “Princess Luna has the moon to raise shortly.”
“Oh! Yes. Of course. Short. I, um… It’s not a short problem,” he added in a hesitant squeak, much like a pony-sized rat.
“All large problems can be broken down into smaller problems, and those into smaller ones yet,” he lectured from habits spent passing knowledge to Guard initiates who had been dust for centuries now. “If you cannot describe the problem in a simple sentence, get out.”
“I… Um… Princess Luna is blocking the door, sir,” he said redundantly with a backwards glance.
All the frustration of the day came to an abrupt boil in Ebon Tide’s mind, and he had a perfectly good pony to take it out on.
“Sir?” he growled in a near snarl. “Are you a Guard?”
“Uhh… No, sir?” Blank Cheque backed up one step, then moved back forward abruptly as his tail touched Princess Luna.
“Then why do you refer to me as a PEER?” bellowed Eb. “I am a Royal Guard back from when the name had MEANING! We hold no estate nor title, in service to the Crown until the end, one equal among many. I have taken an oath not to wed into the nobility, nor accept any title. I would die before betraying my oath. What bonds of sacred trust have you subjected your life to?”
“Well, we had to sign some papers when we were hired…” It was obvious that the bland stallion wanted to un-speak the words he blurted out, but Ebon Tide pressed on before he could continue.
“If not for the presence of your sovereign, I would have flung you from the window of my chambers by now. SPEAK, or—”
“Ihaveyourbackpay!” Blank Cheque panted in panic with wide white eyes and an expression that indicated he was ready to widdle on the floor if pressed any further.
“Pay?” Eb settled back in bed, feeling his rage leak away and taking his brief burst of strength with it. “Put the purse on the table and leave. If the Crown is willing to pay me a few coins for my years of agony, I will take it. Perhaps I can go out drinking once I recover, and raise a glass to my fallen comrades.”
“Uhh… You want your pay in cash?” asked Blank Cheque with an even more alarmed expression than when Eb was threatening him.
“Yes, I want my pay in bits,” he snapped back. “If you have no purse, make a neat pile on the table. I have no mane to clip the purse within anyway, and nothing upon which to spend them here in this pestilent place.”
For some reason, Princess Luna seemed to be having a giggling fit at his expense, and was fighting to restrain a devilish grin. Eb looked back and forth between her and the hapless exchequer, trying to puzzle out the unseen humor in the situation. Eventually, he decided on a gentler approach, since the rage-driven sledgehammer of his magical contamination was proving uninformative.
“How many bits am I due?” he asked, deciding that would be the best place to start.
Blank Cheque said a number. It was quite large, and used phrases he had never heard before, even if it was calculated down to the last tenth-bit and smidgen. After due consideration, Eb asked a second question to make sense of the first.
“What is a billion?”
After being informed that it was simply a thousand million, Eb tried to mentally picture a pile of bits that large, and how somepony could ‘simply’ have a sum of bits sufficient to make a small mountain. Although it still left one question.
“And a trillion then is a thousand billion?” he asked instead.
After being assured that his guess was indeed accurate, Eb looked up at Luna and asked, “Do you—”
“Oh, no,” said Princess Luna swiftly. “My pay was being handled by a small group of financial advisors. Over the years, the group expanded in size but kept the managed assets within reason by frugal investment and substantial charitable donations. Those numbers are being Audited as we speak, although if there is pilferage, it is on a scale equivalent to a single mouse gnawing at the bottom of a grainery.”
“Then how—” Ebon Tide found himself gesturing with one hoof, trying to gauge the size of the bit mountain he had just been told about, then carefully put the hoof back down to hold himself upright on the bed since his knees had begun to tremble. “Exchequer Blank, start at the beginning and proceed forward in small steps. At the time of my… incapacitation—”
“Oh, no!” blurted out Blank Cheque again. “We did not calculate your pay as disability! That would only add—”
“When I was trapped in the moon,” continued Ebon Tide just as forcefully as he could in order to squash Blank’s panic attack before it started again. “I believe I had the princely sum of twenty bits in savings.”
Blank’s eyes widened even further and Eb was forced to add, “Presume that will not change your calculations. I am familiar with the rule of seventy-two, but…”
When Ebon Tide had been very young, his father had once told him the Third Alicorn of Power was named Compound Interest. At that time, it had been funny. Now, he could not help but picture the laughing fit Crimson Tide was having in the Shadowlands at his expense, literally. Luna, however, had her head cocked to one side and was regarding Eb with a different kind of interest.
“Pray tell, what is this rule of which you speak? It was not in the Equestrian code which my sister and I had placed into law.”
Now it was Eb’s turn to look puzzled. “It’s a rule of finance, used when calculating interest on a debt. The Guard bank actually paid on deposits, so my father insisted I keep my stipend invested with them, and learn the simple rules of money.”
“I remember that decision,” mused Luna. “Having the Guard pay deposited at the vault eliminated a great deal of fuss, although the bankers who gathered at court whined like kicked dogs. I believe they paid three quarters of a percentum at that time.”
“Which is roughly a century to double your money,” said Eb, taking refuge in his memories of counting tenth-bits and smidgens at the kitchen table with his father. “That’s not nearly enough time to turn my deposit into—” he waved at Blank Cheque, who appeared to be deep in calculated thought “—that.”
“Thy words made me visit the Royal Exchequer’s office to see if I was drawing a salarium for my time in abeyance.” Luna nodded. “To my pleasure, I found what is now called an Investment Group was taking care of the accumulated fund. They required me to identify myself before inspecting their books, which was unexpected but practical.”
“How many alicorns do they think are just lurking around?” quipped Eb, who was still trying to get his head around a number with so many digits, and was not really paying too much attention to the conversation.
“After I was satisfied with my own situation, I inquired about yours,” continued Luna. “After all, it would be a slight against Our honor for us to be paid and you left destitute. Following the rules laid down at the establishment of the Guard, back pay is to be applied with the compounded interest rate adjusted every few years. At the time of my corruption, that was two percentum, which rose to three shortly afterward, then varied many, many times over the intervening centuries. To be honest, determining your position in rank was the most difficult task. The Guard changed titles every century or so. There is not even a Warleader rank any more.”
Eb could no longer hold onto the mental image of him at the kitchen table with his father, moving half-bits around to make short stacks. Every year, there would be more bits on the table, growing like mold, until it grew large enough to engulf Mount Canter.
“So I was not drawing my salarium during your banishment,” started Eb very slowly. “But you forced them to calculate it and bring the sum to me.”
“Of course.” Luna frowned slightly, but Eb could tell she was proud of her actions and was just putting on a display for her audience. After all, he had been in his position for well over a decade before being banished, and was quite able to read between the feathers of the alicorn sisters. Well, when the red haze of anger was not clouding his vision.
“Unacceptable,” he said instead.
“You want back disability pay also?” managed Blank Cheque in a mere whisper.
“Nay, I wish none of it at all,” stated Eb just as firmly as he could. “Any bits in my account were disbursed upon my supposed demise, along with payment for the same. My daughters were paid, were they not?” he asked, giving Blank Cheque a firm glare.
“I… uh… think so?” The poor stallion scrabbled around in his scattered parchments, looking so much like a young Guard initiate being given an impossible task in his apprenticeship that Eb felt a twinge of compassion.
“Mark my account from that era closed,” said Eb. “I shall collect no pay nor accumulate service for those missing years. To consider otherwise is obvious folly, which even a child should be able to see. Why should I demand payment for services to the Crown which were not rendered?”
“But Princess Luna—”
“I AM NO PRINCESS!” roared Ebon Tide. “The Sisters are eternal, here since before we were whelped and remaining when all turns to dust! The Guard exists only to protect them, for if they fall, so do Sun and Moon! Our lives are to be sacrifices to their needs, our every drop of blood is shed to keep them safe! Close mine account at the time of my reported demise and open it again when I was so rudely plucked from Moon and placed in the claws of these infernal healers! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sir, yes sir!” blurted out Blank Cheque, hesitated for a moment, then he bolted from the room so rapidly that the door slammed against the outside corridor wall. If it were possible for the middle-aged unicorn to sprout wings for more rapid egress, Eb thought he would have left a trail of shed alicorn feathers also.
“Contemptuous bit-clipping parasite,” muttered Eb, settling back down on his pillow. “An evil needed in the world nonetheless.” His eyes slid sideways to glare at Luna as if to place her in the same despised category, but the Princess of the Night was not deterred from her mirth.
“Had the Nightmare’s magic permeated thine own and you were brought back into the world as a male alicorn, We believe the two of us would have prevailed over whatever forces were thrown against us, and we would have ruled together upon a throne of darkness,” she managed between her chuckles.
Eb did not share her humor at the situation and considered flinging his pillow at the annoying pest, but resorted to simply punching it a few times to redistribute the lumps. “Make merry of my situation all you wish,” he muttered.
“Oh, it is either laugh or cry,” admitted Luna. “We suspect far too many tears have already been shed in that regard.” The wry smile at the corner of Luna’s lips slowly faded and she shook her head. “Were I to have imprisoned my sister, I would have wept for years, and Celly is such a tender and frail soul beneath her stoic exterior. The joy concealed in her face when she gazes at me is obscured by a web of guilt stretching back to the moment of our imprisonment, and when she sees me, all she must think of is her guilt at her actions.”
After due sullen consideration, Eb gave a short nod. “When I was far younger, I struck a subordinate once,” he admitted. “Even now, I cannot recall what he did to trigger my anger, but I will never forget the look on his face. It bore some resemblance to Sire Cheque upon his departure. I would suppose an apology is in order.” Eb turned his gaze upon the dark princess. “An apology from both of us.”
“What, me? What did I do?”
“Frightening him over trivial events, for starters. The rest will wait until you have fulfilled your duties for this evening.” Eb looked out the window at where Sun was sitting rather impatiently on the horizon. “I’ll make a list while you are gone.”
* * *
The quiet sound of the door opening and closing was getting to be familiar to Ebon Tide. He looked up from his scribbled notes and caught the guilty expression on Peanut Brittle’s face as she hesitantly looked around the room.
“No, Princess Luna is not here,” he said from around the ‘pencil’, a clever device of wood made to hold a charcoal stick without the smudging he was used to. “She hath… has gone to raise the moon as is her duty.”
Before the little monstrosity could say anything more, the door behind her opened slightly and Specialist Crupper poked his chubby face inside the hospital room. “I’m sorry, sir, but I thought I heard—” The Guard looked down at Peanut Brittle, then up at Ebon Tide with a nervous swallow. “I presume you have things under control, sir?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” said Eb. “Dismissed.”
Crupper vanished without a sound, and the door closed behind him.
“I thought he was going to catch me,” admitted Peanut Brittle. “He’s been a lot more alert lately.”
“Proof that even dirt has a purpose,” muttered Eb, who returned to his notes. It had been slow going with the new writing utensils and crisp paper, although despite his best efforts, he could not complain that the equipment was slowing him down. The context of what he was writing was elusive. Then again, he had an expert in the modern world right in the room, so it would do no harm to consult her. “Peanut, how do you apologize for something that really isn’t your fault, just something that happens whenever you try to help?”
“You mean like cooking?” asked Peanut Brittle with a significant droop to her ears. “It’s not my fault that stuff catches on fire so easily, but Mama makes me say I’m sorry anyway.”
“Yes, exactly.” It was probably the wrong thing to do, but Eb persisted. “When you do something wrong that you know you’re going to do again, because it’s just in your nature.”
Peanut was a very bright little filly, but Eb was still surprised when she asked, “Did Princess Luna do something wrong?”
“Well… yes,” admitted Eb in a stunning understatement rather than try to explain Nightmare Moon’s cruel actions to such an innocent little filly.
“Because when I do something wrong and my Daddy writes out an apology for me, he looks just like you do right now because he knows I’m probably going to do it again because I did it before but I still have to applogize because that’s what good ponies do and maybe I’ll learn my lesson and quit doing it before my little brother starts doing it too and then I’d be in real trouble.”
“Thank the Stars there are only the Sisters Two,” muttered Eb beneath his breath, although it brought his mind back to better times, when Celestia and Luna used to play adolescent games far beneath the dignity of a princess, which of course required the Guard to clean up the resulting messes. Thankfully, Princess Luna had only used stars to spell out particularly cutting remarks about her sister’s rear once before a truce had set in on that aspect of their competition.
Personally, Ebon Tide had no official opinion on the Sun’s Moons. Unofficially, they had been a terrible distraction while guarding Celestia, which was one reason he had become a Warleader instead of a mere Guard. A Warleader got to walk in front of Her Thighness… um… Highness. Yet another thing that had gone to dust while he was gone.
“There is no place in this world for me,” he said to nopony in particular. “Luna has her sister, and I have nothing.”
“You can come stay with us,” volunteered Peanut with a sharp perking up of her ears that made Eb wary of an incoming disaster. “We live in this big old apartment cluster on the lower cliffs with like fifty rooms and a lot of dust and a couple of renters because we don’t have enough ponies in our family to fill it all the way up but there’s always an empty room or two in case one of our aunts or uncles stop over for the night.” Her eyes widened. “Are you a relative? Because you have a Tide in your name like my father and all my bratty brothers but Mom didn’t want me to be a Tide like him because we had so many Tides already and she said—” Peanut stomped one small hoof and looked quite fierce “—No daughter of mine is going to be another Tide!” Her tiny face abruptly regained its normal cheerful smile. “Daddy has a lot of Tides in his family.”
It was not as much of a shock to Ebon Tide as he first thought because he could vaguely remember Peanut introducing her younger brother as Riptide. It hit closer to his heart than he thought because his own two daughters left behind when he had made his stunningly foolish decision. Over a thousand years of crossing and family trees branching would leave a lot of leaves, much like his tiny stipend as a Guard blossomed into an entirely unexpected and unestimatable sum. It might be more difficult to find a pegasus in this modern world that he was not related to.
“We shall consider it,” said Eb even while doing just that, although he probably should have remained mute.
“We?” asked Peanut with an abrupt increase in her normal level of perky. “Are you going to bring Princess Luna too? Are the two of you married? Do you have any foals? What are their names?”
“No!” splutted Eb, although he promptly put a damper down on his rising temper. If nothing else, the presence of a Peanut was a great assistance in that regard. After a few cleansing breaths, Eb continued, “It is forbidden for a Guard to give himself in… For a Guard to… romance a princess,” he finished, greatly wishing for a source of words that he did not have. “We were both within Moon for centuries, but that does not make us… mated.”
Or at least that was what Eb hoped. There had been some sort of law in place which allowed a couple who had been sharing a bed for over a year to be considered wed, but Moon was not a bed and most certainly it did not apply in this unique circumstance. Captain Ramparts was due to return to the city today, so that would be a good time to privately raise the issue with him. Most certainly not with Princess Luna, who took that moment to slip into the hospital room with her usual silent tread that he might have missed, if not for his current guest.
“Princess Luna!” squeaked Peanut.
“Your Highness,” said Eb with a respectful nod, since Luna looked very much more at peace with herself and less like the dark monster she had become. Besides, Peanut Brittle was in the room, and the last thing he wanted was to set a bad example for the child.
“Mister Tide wants to come live with us,” chirped Peanut. “Once he’s feeling better, of course. He can come and visit you whenever you want. Or you could visit our house!”
“Not at this time,” said Luna. “I have yet to leave the palace complex since my return.”
The seemingly casual statement drew Eb’s attention sharply. Princess Luna had always been a wanderer who delighted in frolicing through the Everfree with the night-dwelling creatures. Frequently, the Night Guard would lose track of her for hours, only locating the missing princess when she returned to the castle for her duties. It was a shift in her behavior that boded ill for her recovery from Nightmare Moon, because she had become similarly sullen and broody a few weeks before her fall.
“I will be visiting Peanut Brittle’s home tomorrow,” said Eb out of impulse. “If it pleases Her Highness, she may feel free to accompany us.”
For a moment, Eb thought he had gone too far. Princess Luna recoiled as if she had been physically struck, and her movement backward toward the hospital room door did not look as if it were going to stop, if not for Peanut’s enthusiastic words.
“Pleeeeease come too?” said Peanut Brittle with the most sincere expression in her watering golden eyes. “I’ll even make cookies with Mom and make sure that Grandpa Waffles wears his shorts. My big big brother wants to be a guard, and he’s just gone all ‘nanners about your return, but the Academy took all the Night Guard Cadets on a really long flight that they haven’t come back from yet but he’s supposed to return really quick just like my Daddy is supposed to come back from Manehattan any week now and Uncle Slipstick used to be a Day Guard so he’d be tickled pink and purple to see you and do you have any food allergies we’d have to cook around because Mom always says I should ask that to any of my friends who come over since Puffy Noodles had his little run-in with peanut butter and said he’s allergic to me now but he’s just a colt so he’s stupid.”
“Strawberries,” said Eb, who had barely managed to hold onto a single thread in the rapid conversation. “Every spring, Princess Luna breaks out in spots. Big red ones all over her face and coat—”
“I do not!” spluttered Luna. “Besides… the season is far past strawberry season,” she added rather awkwardly.
“So you’ll bring Mister Tide to our house tomorrow morning?” asked Peanut Brittle, seeming almost ready to vibrate out of her shoes. “Really? That’s great! I gotta go tell everypony!”
There was a rush of air and the little pony was gone, long before Princess Luna could say, “Wait.”
It was a sight that Ebon Tide would treasure for as long as he lived, however short a span that may be. Luna was standing open-jawed, with one hoof extended toward the closing door and nothing more. It was a study in art, Ancient Princess Confounded By Small Foal, or perhaps Fish Out Of Water from the way her mouth continued to open and close with nothing coming out.
“Of course,” said Eb once he had absorbed all the humor he could from the situation, “since thou art too terrified to set one hoof outside of your safe palace, we shall make excuses in your place.” He shifted positions to get out of his hospital bed, then looked down at the tile floor where the metal controls stuck out. “If Your Highness will step upon that central pedal, we shall practice our elegant stride into the jakes, perhaps with a walk up and down the corridor outside to prove we have recovered enough for a trip out into the city on the morrow. No, not that pedal, Your High—”
The bed promptly tipped up on end, and Ebon Tide slid out onto the cold floor in a ball of flailing wings and profanity.
He made it to the bathroom without embarrassing himself, and walked twice up and down the corridor just to prove he could do it without collapsing. After an hour or two of rest, Eb insisted on doing it again, catching Specialist Crupper by surprise just as he ‘closed his eyes for a moment’ at his post.
Although the real surprise happened just after dawn, as Ebon Tide prepared for his trip.
❤
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Hmm…. It’s like Celestia forgot to mention one other thing. Wonder who it is.
Good story so far. I'm curious how Ebon Tide and Lunas relationship will progress in the near future. Peanut is adorable as well! I hope there's some sort of family relationship between Eb and her.
Eh, call it an economic stimulus package.
Fantastic description.
Just wait until he hears about Shining Armor...
Rarely have I had occasion to use "endearingly ominous," but that last bit definitely qualifies. Looking forward to seeing what comes of it.
11403787
.... Why do I hear boss music in the distance...?
Finally time to get out of this room, 'bout time wot?
I'm somewhat confused though, Blank Cheque named two different numbers? What was the first one?
11403827
That ought to be interesting.
In the interest of curiosity I found a nifty website that can calculate dollar inflation over time going as far back as 1635 and with some guesswork the future.
We of course have no idea how much a bit is worth but say his savings were $20 (which even back a century ago was quite a bit) and for kicks and giggles I did a comparison to today where it equaled roughly $715.
For the future I tried plugging in 2635 (for the 1000 year effect) at varying inflation percentages:
2%=$3,351.51
3%=$7,173.50
5%=$32,150.88
10%=$1,210,756.89
25%=$25,906,486,708.71
much beyond this the numbers quickly jump to absolutely insane numbers that even if you accrued every bit of money since the very first "human concept" of value wouldn't add up
11403839
Pinky Party?
There shall always be Five(5) Auditors, No more. No less. They shall not speak of themselves in the first pronoun except to be immediately relieved of their position and replaced with another of equal mein.
They are the Han of Meg?
Would that make Raven, Loki?
The Back Pay Problem is going to be something Clestia will just keep using, there was no death so no ending of employment, verses, devlared dead even without a body, etc etc.
Ebon might retaliate paying for a cake with a bakers selected message on it totally unrelated to Sweet Cheeks?
11401776
Failing that, theres still certain matters of course that have arisen that should be brought up due to your bat horses... proclivities.
... that should be a fun conversation.
A lot of people on site are parents or in the military. I wonder if thats why this fandom hasn't devolved into utter degeneracy.
Maybe he could just settle to having the Crown refund him every bit he spends from now on?
Also, in some states in the US, "Common Law" declares a couple to be legally married after living together for 5 years. I see Equestria settled for just 1.
There are now two people who have downvoted this story.
...
You're incredibly wrong opinions deserve the proper response.
11403893
Possibly one was just 1000 years of backpay and the second 1000 years of backpay with compound interest added as it accumulated each pay period... that second number could be insane if you added payrises, rank equivalency and things like hazard/combat allowances on top.
Eb has finally realised he is not absolutely alone and that while the relationship may lost to time, he will likely have family wherever he goes... his comment on pegasus relations might be very much limiting the pool of potential descendants... and any historically minded ones would probably be over the moon with excitement to meet him.
11404220 I was actually angling for the first number being Luna's asset value in her account. The second would then be his, a weight of bits that exceeds Mt. Canter in weight.
11403992 In the early years of Equestria, things moved fast.
11403987 Well, a certain degree of degeneracy is just fine.
11403905 The old 'powers of two on a chessboard' problem comes to mind.
11403839 Because he's one bad horse.
11403827 I'm sure the topic of Twilight's brother has come up in conversation with Celestia already. Right?
11403820 Eb had two daughters back then. It is possible he's related to just about everypony in Canterlot.
11403909 Audits are a fact of life. And death. And the auditor and raven was stolen totally from Larry Correia, who knows his accounting and writing backwards and forward. The Writer Dojo podcast is an incredibly valuable podcast. And it's free.
11404347
That is a valid comparison.
11404347
Hokay, that makes more sense since you highlighted that Luna"s accounts have been managed and large sums paid out to causes over time.
Did... Did I just find a spelling mistake? In a Georg story?
Inconceivable!
I believe it's supposed to be "Frolicking", but I could be wrong.