Tactical Hillbilly

by aegishailstorm

Organized Chaos

Earl and Applejack came to a grove of trees on the far end of Earl's property line. About a half of a mile from his nice shack. He paused at the edge of a patch of trees and looked around, picking out one of the younger ones. As Applejack drew closer to the cherry tree, she noticed that one of it's branches had been torn off. Earl murmured something incoherent under his breath about feral pigs.

"Alright, you can pause your explaining, itsa tree fixin' time!" He clapped his hands and pulled a cord of rope out of one of his pockets and began to reattach the torn branch to the tree. Applejack watched in confusion. She hadn't even had a chance to begin talking, but as the earth pony watched Earl Dribbles Jr. slowly reattach the branch, an idea struck her.

"Earl, take a step back. I've got this." Earl paused, and then stepped back away from the tree. "Alright, what do you wanna try?" She smiled. " Yeah, trust me. I've had plenty of experience with stuff like this." Applejack trotted up to the lemon tree and put her right hoof on it and closed her eyes. Earl tapped his foot and casually watched as a greenish glow enveloped the tree, and it began to slowly meld itself back together.

" Well lock me in a suit and tie and call me Ronald Regan! Ya actually did it!" Earl exclaimed. Applejack took her hoof of the tree and gazed up at her work. "Why yes I did!" The both of them froze when Applejack began to hear a strange rumbling from the lemon tree. Just a few seconds later, they found out why. It had, for some unexplainable reason, had begun to sprout apples. Applejack sheepishly tapped the ground with her hoof.

"Oppsie. Now listen Earl, I was just tryin' to help-" Earl Dribbles Jr. had stopped paying attention already, he circled the tree a few times, examining it. Before returning to face Applejack.

"Why do ya sound like you're aplogizin'? Dis is so freakin' cool!" He took a bite of both a lemon and an apple at the same time, he dropped the lemon, but continued eating the apple. He washed both of the fruits down with yet more alcohol. He looked back at Applejack, then shook the tree branch which had been reattached.

"Wow Ma'am, was this what you's was gonna tell me about?" Applejack smirked. " Well... Ya see, where I come frome, there are 3 types of ponies. Pegasi, who can fly and control the weather. Earth ponies, like me, which are really strong and can influence plants. And unicorns, who can use magic to do stuff like... Making things float. I like in a country called Equestria, which is ruled by 2 princesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Princess Luna is a newcomer to Equestria. She's very nice though. My friends and I make up the Elements of Harmony. Meaning we control the magic of friendship!"

Earl raised an eyebrow and readjusted his hat.

"Well, that's a lot to take in. Shoot!" He swore " I'm sorry, I ain't exactly the smartest. But good for you." He began to walk away. Applejack facehoofed.

"Earl, could ya perhaps tell me where it is you're going off to do before you just walk away?" He paused. " Of course! I reckon I oughta apologize. I ain't exactly used to being around other people. Or... Talking ponies." She laughed. " Eh, that make's sense. So, what are we gonna do now?"

"Follow me Applejack, this is one of my favorite pastimes!" He reached back into his pockets to ensure he had what he needed. Then waved her along.

---

Earl and Applejack weren't walking for long. When they finally stopped, Earl took a look around, and finally spotted what he was after, a fire ant mound. He spit out another bit of Tabaco. "There, it's them fire ants. Ya ever dealt with 'em before?"

She shook her head. " I'd guess by the name that they aren't the nicest?" Earl looked back at her with his hands on his hips, he pointed back over at the mound. " Damn right they are. These SOB's are nasty. They'll get everywhere. Good thing I've got this!" He rushed over to the little ant mount, and lit one of several firecracker strings he had in a pocket. He stuffed it down into the mound and ran back to Applejack. The two watched as the little explosive blew the mound apart. Leaving a little smoking crater where the fire ant colony had once been.

As confused as Applejack was, the first thing that came to her mind wasn't; " Why'd ya kill all those little bugs if they didn't do nothin' to ya?" It was, " You've sure got a lot of strange stuff in those pockets of yours." Earl grinned back. " Yeah, I do. I don't actually know how it all shows up-" Earl stopped suddenly and looked around. " Get up on that tree. Now!"

Without another word, he scooped Applejack up with his one free arm and dead sprinted to the nearest chestnut tree. Setting her down on a branch about 7 feet up. Applejack soon found out why when a group of wild hogs came storming through the clearing. Earl cursed them as they ran though. He took aim at one and brought it down with a round of 12 gauge buckshot to the head. Applejack looked over at Earl with a mixture of confusion and horror. It was the same one that she had worn on her face for the past hour.

"What have ya-"

"Ma'am, I know how that might have looked. But trust me, that boar would've had no second thought's 'bout runnin' you and me through. Plus, they're a pest here! They tear up field's, terrorize livestock, and attack folks! I reckon it's my duty as a 'Murican and as a Texan to deal with 'em! " Applejack was still a bit lost. Things like this were near unheard of in Equestria. Sure the humans had mentioned stuff like this back when they had arrived in Equestria. But she never thought that it was this big of a problem.

"Yeah, we've also got mountain lions, coyotes, and rattlesnakes. But it doesn't matter. This is our land, we may've not been the first ones here, but it's ours now." Applejack couldn't help but laugh. " Ya sound like my cousin, Braeburn-"

" Earl! Earl!?" He jumped from his perch in the tree and slung his shotgun back over his shoulder. A man came stumbling out of the woods.

"Now hol' on there Billy, what was it? What happened?" Applejack looked at the new human, though at first, he didn't seem to notice her. " Oh Earl. Lemme tell ya, it was weird man. There was this funny lookin' monster thing messin' around with my cows, and there were also these mini rainbow colored horses." He glanced down at his boots, just enough to catch a glimpse of Applejack.

"Gah!!! It's one of them. Earl I swear, is it just the moonshine? Or do you see it as well?" He paranoidly look around.

"Yeah, yeah I did. Don't worry, she doesn't mean no harm. " Earl reassured him. Billy scratched his head. "Dawgone it! I lost track of what's happening!"