"One day, I'm going to make it big." -Some guy with cake, probably
When getting close to another, certain feelings are bound to grow. Luna hates this. So, in an attempt to be rid of her feelings once and for all, Luna invites Twilight to a date.
Although what would happen if Twilight returned her feelings?
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That was a good story.
11384586
Thanks for the comment. I worked hard on the story so any sort of criticism (even just saying that you enjoyed the story) helps me get better.
Hmm, well there's a kernel of a good idea here, but there are a number of problems with the execution.
The one that sticks out the most is the use of Early Modern English - Thou, Thee, Thy, etc... I get why you'd want to use it, since Luna's use of it was memorable, but ultimately... if you don't know exactly how it's used - where and how to use Thou, Thee, Thy, Thine and the like and, just as importantly, when not to use them - it's best to just not use it at all. Furthermore, even if you do know how to use it, don't use it in outside of dialogue. Regardless of how a viewpoint character might phrase things, a narrative voice is expected to have a relatively modern dialect and inserting Thous into that just feels jarring.
Also, there were several points where it's somewhat unclear what's part of the narrative voice, what's being thought and what's being said.
Further, even ignoring that, the whole thing feels a little... underdeveloped. Like we learn what feelings Luna has and we do see some of the struggles of dealing with them, which is good, but we don't go into much depth about the feelings themselves. It feels like we're just supposed to 'get' how she feels without needing to spend time on them, but... well, it just feels a little off. Like the reader's being thrown in the deep end, but without any chance to prepare or any idea how deep the water really is.
Like I said, there's definitely a good concept here, but as it is, it just doesn't quite come together.
11385782
Thanks for the criticism.
The Thous, thees, and all that jazz is something that I just thought that they were replacements for the words. Looking back at it now, I realize that was kind of silly to expect it to work that way.
The narrator's voice issue is something that I'm not entirely sure how to fix without changing the narrator from Luna to a neutral perspective. That is an issue that I will have to experiment with more.
To be honest, I didn't even consider explaining the feelings further. I did just kind of expect the reader to 'get it'.
TL;DR: To sum up, I agree with what you had to say, but I just never considered most of it when I was writing the story!
I definitely have more to consider for my next story!
11386691
Happy to have helped, in whatever capacity I did.
11386691
I love the story is there going to be a sequel to this?
11392813
Unfortunately, there's no plans for a sequel. Sorry!
11392857
Eh it’s fine but I do wonder what the epilogue would be like
11393438
Honestly, I'm not quite sure how I would write an epilogue.
If I wanted to have another story based on this one, then there would likely be some sort of issue Luna would be trying to address while being too in her head and nervous about addressing the issue.
If I was writing just an epilogue, then I might choose to focus on how the relationship has transformed from what it started out from and look more at how the romance blossomed.
It's fun to think about though.
11397116
That would be interesting to see and especially how the nobles would react to this.
A nice little story ... but the 'thou's are so frickin painful.
Uhhh, probably forgive you for it? Honestly no matter how evil anybody is, Twilight always tries her hardest to forgive them and then becomes friends tih them, oh except maybe the part where Luna seduced stallions, if Twilight does have a crush at this point of the story than she might be a little upset.
Taller than Twilight currently or forever? Because Twilight is gonna be taller than Celestia in just a century.