Apple Hot Line

Noteworthy gets a phone call early in the morning.

The story is complete and five chapters long. One chapter will be posted a day until complete.

Preread by The Sleepless Beholder and LuckyChaosHooves

Chapters (5)

Please · 22nd Sep 2022 · 1,209 words
1,209
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Respond · 22nd Sep 2022 · 903 words
903
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After · 22nd Sep 2022 · 910 words
910
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Dial · 22nd Sep 2022 · 1,169 words
1,169
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Tone · 22nd Sep 2022 · 636 words
636
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Comments ( 8 )

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Hamartia

Hamartia #1 · Nov 13th, 2022 · · · Tone ·

I liked the substance of it, but I felt everything came by too fast? The mad music, the phone ringing even when smashed, the urge to follow the chorus, even the horrid description of the orchestra when Noteworthy finally comes in... I want to fave this, yet I feel so much potential discarded here. All the elements for an horror story are here, even what you tried to convey could be potent, but it's not executed as well as it could be. Was there a word or time restriction? I've enjoyed other works you've put out, so it's clearly not a lack of skill or anything. In any case, I did have a lot of appreciation for the substance, just felt it went by too fast and was too tell-y.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #2 · May 7th, 2023 · · · Please ·

How he was purely average in colour and appearance, hammered home by no one ever looking his way. How he never really seemed to live up to his lofty name.

indeed an ironic name for a background pony…

As a new device, it was prone to some error, so he plugged his other ear with a hoof and listened intently to the sound emitted by the phone in case the phone was still trying to connect.

aww, i do this too!

“Like a chorus line,” Noteworthy continued. Realizing that Mac might not know what that was, he explained, “it’s usually a large group of dancers, but can also be attributed to—”
“A group of singers. I’m in an acapella group. I’m aware,” Mac admonished.

good use of a character detail here

With his piece said, Mac trotted off into the orchard. Noteworthy watched him be swallowed by the rows of trees as he tried to decipher the meaning of Mac’s cryptic words.

yeah that is uh, certainly cryptic! glad i don’t read descriptions so i don’t even know what genre tag this is supposed to have

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #3 · May 7th, 2023 · · · Respond ·

“I can handle it! Look, if I want enough money to get me and mine out of here and somewhere better, I need to put in the work. I hate havin’ those unicorn bastards—”
“Hey! Watch what ya say, cuz. You don’t know who’s listening in and those kinds of words are what get you into trouble around here.”
“I know, I know! But it won’t matter none once I get enough bits to get out of here. Just need to plant a few more trees, and harvest’em.
“Just a few more and it’ll all be over.”

ooh, definitely intrigued by where this is going

Suddenly, a new sound began to resonate within the chorus. It was quiet at first but began to grow in intensity over time. Soon it was screaming, a single disjointed note that rang inside of Noteworthy’s head derailing his thoughts. He dropped the receiver as he cried out in agony, clutching his ear with one hoof. He pulled his hoof back when he felt wetness only to gape as he saw blood covering his fur.

well if i were Noteworthy i would take that as a sign to move far, far away right now

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #4 · May 7th, 2023 · · · After ·

“There’s a unicorn missing.”
“Good. One of those no good horners finally got what’s comin’ to’em.”

i feel like the ponies wouldn’t find this pony racism to be funny but i guess “no good horner” hits differently to me as a human

“Go check your holes again, Apple. Make sure they’re as deep as can be because the guard is snooping around and you better hope that if they start lookin’ in your fields that all they find is some rotten produce.”

oof, even when suspecting Apple Seed of murder Crisp is kinda helping them get away with it

“Ain’t no one that can anymore for you, Noteworthy,” Mac said. “Only thing you can do is just get through the day.”
Nodding his head, Noteworthy continued his forward movement. As he passed by Mac, he perked his ears as he heard Mac say under his breath, “Might as well enjoy them since you don’t have many left.”

oh no, Big Mac was the stoic, laconic old farmer whose advice should have been listened to by the horror protagonist! he really does fit well in that role

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #5 · May 7th, 2023 · · · Dial ·

Before him, on the far end, was the biggest apple tree he had ever seen. Carved into its bark were words that he could barely make out nor wanted to for his attention was drawn to the hole that had been dug into its roots. A single grand piano stood within it, a mass made of tangled together wood with keys made of carved apples. From its open lid, Noteworthy could hear the most pleasant of sounds.
The chorus, beckoning him forward.

what a magical realism horror of a mental image

As he was consumed, as the roots burrowed into his skin, Noteworthy laughed and cried and played for he had found purpose.
He’d finally lived up to his name.

ooh, that is good! well-laid by the lines from the previous chapters, and a resolution to the incongruence of a background pony named “Noteworthy” being a bartender of some sort for a living.

“Are you happy now, varmints?” He called out.
In response, the trees swayed, their bounty of red apples shining brighter in the morning sun indicating that they have been sated.
For now.

so this really was two horror stories running in parallel: a family curse brought upon the farm by a racist Apple ancestor and it claiming Noteworthy as a victim in the present day. and i’m guessing the last chapter will be what brings the two together!

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #6 · May 7th, 2023 · · · Tone ·

“Goin’ to be my time soon.” Granny held up a hoof to cut off Mac’s protests. “I ain’t an alicorn, Mac. Gonna happen eventually, and since Bloom and Applejack don’t have the blood, it's going to have to be you who handles everything going forward.” She scowled, her wrinkles intensifying the disdain in the expression. “Keep our ancestor’s stupidity contained.”

so many questions! love it tho

“Look, Mac, the blood ain’t followin’ the other two, which means it’s up to you to sire new blood to keep this under control,” Granny explained. “I knew goin’ into this after your father died, that one of you three wouldn’t get a choice in the matter, and, I’m sorry to say, but that’s you, Mac.”
“Is there really no other option?”
“You have a few,” Granny relented. “You can sire a foal with Sugar Face, find some other mare to sire with, or let the orchard go. Walk away and don’t think ‘bout no more.” Granny looked into Mac’s eyes, her expression intent. “But I know you won’t take the third option, much as I’d almost prefer you did.”

oh this is brilliant! love Granny Smith not bothering to get Sugar Belle’s name right, both for that being Granny Smith doing Granny Smith things as well as underscoring how who Sugar Belle is doesn’t matter. but also! completely recasts that canon romance from its surface-level schmaltz to a continuation of a family curse out of horrific obligation.

“We all hope for a lot of things, Mac,” Granny interrupted. “Unfortunately, most of us don’t get what we want and you are ‘most’.”

and i don’t know if you intended this, but i am definitely reading this with my idea of Big Mac being bi in mind, again adding to the things mentioned above. Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Sweet Apple Acres really hold these horror tropes well. great stuff!

Wolfeh05

Wolfeh05 #7 · Aug 13th, 2023 · · · Please ·

I don't know why, but the concept is really creepy.Maybe because I had some experiences in the past with creepy phonecalls, but I can't wait to read how the story develops.

Wolfeh05

Wolfeh05 #8 · Aug 14th, 2023 · · · After ·

Oh God, I don't know why, but "no good horner" sounds so funny to me
Also, it seems that the beginning of the chapters are implying murder, but I wonder if that's the case or thwre will be a twist...

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