• Member Since 26th May, 2012
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CodenameOne


T

Spike had always been a happy member of the Ponyville community, grateful for his wonderful life and friends. When he starts struggling with who he is will those friends still accept him? Or will their fear and ignorance force him away, depriving him of true love and happiness? And if he is to find true love then who will be the lucky pony that will win his heart?

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 125 )

Man that escalated quickly Nice so far.

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the fifth.

Presentation

* I see that you're from Fanfiction.net. Welcome, traveler. Around these parts we prefer to put author's notes in the comments or in our user blogs, because it's a little annoying to read something else when you're looking to read a story. In any case, I doubt homophobia is a big problem here—most shipfics are F/F. Of course, some ponies like F/F but complain about M/M...:twilightoops:
* Here are some links to grammar sites that you may find useful.
* Most MLP fanfics like to follow the Mass Effect-style convention of not capitalizing race names—i.e. "unicorn", "dragon"—but you can do the Tolkien thing and writing "Dragon" and "Unicorn" so long as you're consistent.

the young dragon

Story

* Avoid stating the obvious.

"Now it shouldn't take too long to help her, and since this is the only thing you have to do today I think you should try to have some fun later; maybe you could go see Rarity?" Twilight said, the last part coming out kind of coy as she poked fun at him for his crush on the fashionable mare.

Your story would be infinitely better if you wrote this instead:

"Now it shouldn't take too long to help her, and since this is the only thing you have to do today I think you should try to have some fun later; maybe you could go see Rarity?" Twilight said, the last part coming out kind of coy.

Readers can figure this stuff out—we're a pretty smart bunch. What's more, making the reader see this subtext instead of spelling it out for her is likely to get her more engaged in the story, which you want.
* Make character thought and dialog realistic.

Hopefully Applebloom won't be there to pester me about helping; she's fun to be around but when she gets an idea in her head she won't stop going after it until either she fails or loses interest.

The second part of this (after the semicolon) really isn't the sort of thing people think to themselves. Consider putting it in narration.
* This is unrelated to your fic, but one day I'd like to read a story about someone discovering he/she is asexual.

Good day.

1308721 Wow, holy shit, actual feedback? What is this nonsense?

Well, let's begin:

From what I've seen homophobia is actually pretty abundant on this site; my gay clopfic got around ten dislikes, and another clopfic I favorited that featured Shining Armor and Big Mac had 20! And that was when I checked it last night, it might have gotten more since then!

Putting author's notes in a comment always struck me as annoying(and kind of pretentious, because I'm putting a comment on my story that isn't a reply) because I would have to write the chapter, copy-paste it here, format it, and then I would have to write the author's note in a comment separately. It's a lot easier to just stick it in at the end of the chapter, which is what I've always done.

I've always HATED the Mass Effect style of not capitalizing species names because they are indeed names and should be capitalized; it grinds my fucking gears when I'm playing that game the subtitles say 'asari' and not 'Asari'.

I made the changes you suggested, and I too would like to one day see a story where a character finds that he/she is asexual. That'd be interesting.

1308815 i like it
good grammer
good spacing
nice pace
that about sums it up

1308815

From what I've seen homophobia is actually pretty abundant on this site; my gay clopfic got around ten dislikes, and another clopfic I favorited that featured Shining Armor and Big Mac had 20! And that was when I checked it last night, it might have gotten more since then!

In that case, do what you have to do. I would just like to live in a world where it wasn't necessary. On the subject of that other fic, keep not listening to anyone who tells you to use "plot." It's as bad and immersion-breaking as using "mane six" in a story.

Putting author's notes in a comment always struck me as annoying(and kind of pretentious, because I'm putting a comment on my story that isn't a reply) because I would have to write the chapter, copy-paste it here, format it, and then I would have to write the author's note in a comment separately. It's a lot easier to just stick it in at the end of the chapter, which is what I've always done.

I feel that the end is generally preferable to the beginning.

I've always HATED the Mass Effect style of not capitalizing species names because they are indeed names and should be capitalized; it grinds my fucking gears when I'm playing that game the subtitles say 'asari' and not 'Asari'.

This one's debatable. I justify the Mass Effect style by saying that one doesn't write "Human" or "Dog" or "Cat." They are names, but names of types of things, like common nouns such as "city" or "hay," not names of individual things. Still, there is some precedent for doing things your way. Consistency is the most important thing.

1312106 Finally! Someone else who finds the word 'plot' in reference to a pony's butt as stupid as I do!!

1326053 I don't care if it's correct or not, it's dumb. And besides, I've never heard someone with REAL horses refer to their asses as 'plots' so it being correct is debatable.

yay
that is all

also
you got the personalities spot on

A bit short but, other whys great!! :twilightsmile: :pinkiehappy:

1412631 It's not over yet, just remember that. I might post a new chapter tonight!

1412660 well I'm saying that the chapter is short.

1412905 Oh. Well, yeah I agree with you there, the chapter is short. Maybe the story will be kind of long to make up for short chapters.

Riz

1308815
I'm not that interest in the same-sex fics, or the same-sex community..not that I want to offend you or anything...is just that I find it's interesting that you portray Spike as gay..still...I'll read and track this fic of yours...

I really like this! I don't find many gay spike fics(I can never see him as anything other than gay), even so, yours is the best I've seen!:derpyderp1:

1603800 You think so? Thanks! I try to try my best(if that makes sense) and I too have always seen Spike as fully gay; his personality and the way he's written just fits perfectly.

1634338 those last few lines had the "OHHH SHIT" alarms going of in my head

also
where have you been filly we missed you and your literary gold

1634895 For the record: I'm a 'stallion'.

And I've just been really busy writing in my other stories, mainly a remake of my first one.

1634931 i figured that
thus why i called you a filly

1635419 I still don't understand; you figured I was a 'stallion', yet called me a 'filly'. I'm tired as shit right now, so maybe I'm missing something.

1635531 i was a little upset that you took so long to update
so i implied that you were a little girl
no go to sleep and have plesent dreams

1635540 Ah, now I see. Well lucky for you this story will now get regular updates.

1635559 yay
well its 11 here is im going to bed
i look forward to having more conversations with you

1635572 Strangely enough it is also 11:00 PM where I live. But I too look forward to your comments and the conversations that may entail them.

1639563 i know
do it a gain haha
caint wait to see spikes reaction
not to mention Raritys'

also iv noticed lately that in a lot of pics rarity is not a fan of any thing non traditional
and that in the newer pics that the apple family is pecoming more open minded
have you any thing to say on this
did she say something in the new episodes that led to this cause i havent had time to see the new season yet

1639590 It's her general personality, I believe; Rarity is an old-fashioned prim and proper mare. It makes perfect sense that she'd be very disapproving of same-sex couples. I can't really say for the Apple family; they vary by author. Some portray them as open-minded, some portray them in a similar manner to Rarity.

1639629 true it is usually about even
but lately hater-rarity and Good guy apples
have be on the rise
and i was just wondering what was causing it

at the top
the time sayd that its is 1007 pm
but its the morining so it should be 1007AM
just thought id point that out

1653295 FUUUUUUUUU-- Thanks for pointing that out. I'm dumb(actually it was late and I was tired when I wrote the opening part of this chapter. Will fix).

..............oh you dick....:twilightangry2:

It was ..... kinda disappointing. I was expecting much more, maybe it lacked detail or the fact that Rarity is homophobic rubbed me in a bad way, but i am not quite happy with this chapter.

2048610 I do have one more chapter planned, so maybe that'll help.

This chapter is just... there's no word for it. Lickety is for all intents and purpose beaten to death and Spike is so heart broken he hangs himself, meanwhile Rarity's in full on homophobic bitch mood and it never occurs to anyone to maybe contact the princess. What was even the point of them even being together if they both get killed off in the end :rainbowhuh:


No offense but it seems this story went over the cliff with this chapter...

2050131

It has a certain Romeo and Juliet air in it.

2050131 I personally made an effort to keep the Princesses out because honestly the whole chapter would basically be an elaborate way of making characters say "WAAAHHH, SHE CALLED ME NAMES!"

I wanted the characters to deal with everything on their own, basically.

Plus it's like what that guy said; Romeo and Juliet. Besides, I've got one more chapter planned and I think it'll explain the purpose of this story rather well.

Rarity's speech... it just didn't feel believable. Maybe it's the "I acted like a complete bigoted asshole because I'm gay and my parents shoved down my throat that all gays and lesbians are evil" cliche, yes it does occur in real life but here it just felt tacked on. That aside poor Likety Split :fluttercry:

Nooooooooooo, whyyyyyyyyyy?!!!!?

Wow, that song was the perfect fit. It also helped that it ended right when I finished the chapter
How convinient. Great story man, it was quite good, and nearly brought me to tears.

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