Ch:11 - Wings
Opening my eyes, I find myself staring up at the plain white ceiling. My room is flooded with light pouring in through the balcony window. Must be morning. Not feeling like going back to sleep, I roll onto my belly. The action triggers all sorts of ticklish sensations in my wing as it is rubbed over the cloud. It only serves as a reminder that I’m still a pony; a flying magical pony thing sure, but it still doesn’t feel right. Even now after all the time I’ve been here, it still feels so surreal. I glance across the room to the main door. So, what am I doing today? Today is… I glance sideways. Right, there’s no calendar in this room. What day even is it? While I’m busy racking my brains, the door opens.
Snow trots in, pushing with her magic, a food trolley.
“Morning Snow.”
“Good morning Jonathan! Do you remember what’s happening today?”
Oh, I remember now. It’s pony school. I wonder what sort of things I’ll be learning. I suppose reading and writing pony-ish is important. Reading will probably come first, since you need to be able to read before you write? I never took language class back home… But, it’s painful to think back there, there’s no way of knowing how long I’ll be stuck here for. To live in a castle, it’s many a little girl’s dream isn’t it. But as in many of the old stories, the princess is trapped in the castle. I feel trapped here too. Trapped in a body not my own, in a world not my own. A world of magic and castles and princesses and ponies. But it’s not my world. I suppose I’ll have to learn about this world’s culture too. I guess that’ll be interesting.
But there’s also magic… I look up towards my horn, hidden behind my mauve mane. I haven’t had much luck with that thing so far. I don’t look forward to that. I realise that I haven’t answered Snow yet, she’s waiting expectantly for my answer. I can’t help but let out another sigh as I slip out of bed.
“School, right?”
“Eh, close enough. Here, I brought us some breakfast!”
She releases the trolley in the usual spot. I move over to lay down on a cushion across from her. She levitates two trays onto the floor and then the food. I look over the selection. We each have an apple, what looks to be some apple tarts, a salad sprinkled with some kind of purple flower and… a cupcake?
Snow levitates her apple to her mouth to take a bite out of it. I’m left eating mine off the tray again, but I don’t mind; it’s what the non-unicorns do and I don’t want to try touching my magic after everything that it’s done. Next is the salad, it looks fairly normal to me, except for the purple flowers on the top. Snow’s chowing her’s down hungrily. Tentatively, I press my snout into the bowl and scoop some into my mouth with my tongue. Eh! It’s bitter, and dry and- I cough loudly, almost choking as the half-chewed mouthful is thrown back into the bowl. Oh come on… I’m a horse, I really should be able to eat this stuff. And now Snow’s giving me a funny look again.
I’m still hungry though. I carefully tap my tongue against one of the purple flowers. It’s bitter and dry, the source of the irritation. Mindful to avoid the flowers, I try the rest of the salad. Without the overpowering bitterness in the way, it’s actually quite nice. Soon, all that’s left is the cupcake. I’m not sure why there’s a cupcake on the breakfast trolley, but Snow’s… already eating hers. I guess we had muffins yesterday, so why not a cupcake? So I take a bite, and that is overpoweringly sweet! First, too bitter and now too sweet? I force myself to swallow. There’s no way I’m eating that, and now Snow’s looking at me weirdly.
“Jonathan, are you okay?”
“Um, yes?”
“Is there something wrong with your food? First, you coughed on your salad, and then you're not eating your cupcake? Not to mention all the other times… Wait, you’re not allergic to flowers? Are you?”
Allergic to flowers, is that even a thing? I don’t think I’ve been having any allergic reactions to them, but I’ve noticed that every flower I’ve eaten has tasted bad. And none of the other ponies seem to have the same experience.
“Snow Blossom, how did those purple flowers taste to you?”
“Oh, you mean the crispy veramints? They taste… slightly minty, but also fruity I think. Why, what did you think of them?”
“Bitter. Overpoweringly bitter. And also dry.”
She frowns at that.
“I don’t think I’ve ever known a pony to find veramints bitter. But what about your cupcake? I’ve noticed you usually only don’t like flowers. But I’m pretty sure there’s none in that.”
“It’s too sweet.”
“I guess they are a little… I’ll make sure to get some less sugary next time. Or muffins, I know you like muffins.”
“Thanks Snow. So, now that breakfast is over, can you tell me what sort of stuff I’ll be learning at school? Reading and writing? Or maybe history and culture?”
She leans forwards and whispers “Actually, that’s a surprise.”
Standing up, Snow begins to clear everything up.
“Go freshen yourself up and then we can go.
After dropping off the breakfast trolley with another pony who was waiting just outside my apartment room, we set off into the endless hallways of ‘the Canterlot maze,’ a pegasus guard falling into step beside us. Once more, I’m wearing my new wing-covering ‘saddlebags.’ As Snow leads me through the castle, I can’t help but wonder how any pony can navigate a place like this. There’s not even anything resembling signs or maps and everything looks the same! I briefly consider trying to work out where we’re heading, but there’s no chance of that. Instead, I take to watching the ponies going about their work around us. For the most part, everypony ignores us. But I think I catch a few curious glances thrown our way out of the corners of my eye.
Eventually, we reach one final stairway that seems somewhat familiar. At the bottom is a rather tall door, flanked by a pair of guards.
“Jonathan, we’re here. Now, are you ready?”
“Isn’t this that gym place you showed me on the tour?”
Snow frowns for a moment.
“Jonathan! I said, are you ready?!”
“I guess?”
“Good, let’s go”
With a quick nod to the guards, she opens the door with her horn magic and walks through. I follow her in, alongside our guard and the door is closed behind us. As the echo reverberates throughout the massive hall, I take in details. It's definitely the same place, although I was kinda expecting to be taken to a classroom. What are we going to be doing here?
The chamber is comprised of some kind of pony gym equipment in one corner. In the middle is a massive sandpit, surrounded by a large eight-lane running track. Snow leads us across the track and into the sandpit towards another pony. As we trek across the sand, I wonder what this room is actually used for. I’d previously assumed this place was for the palace guards and this sandpit was a sparring pit. But they already had those outside and at the barracks. I don’t see anypony else here other than that one pony waiting in the sandpit.
The pony is a male pegasus, wearing some kind of light padding armour and a whistle around his neck. He meets us in the centre.
“Well hello there! Snow Blossom, Jonathan, Feather Brick.”
Ah, so that’s the name of today’s guard, he’s kinda quiet. The new pony holds out a hoof, presumably for me to shake. I hold out my hoof too.
“My name is Wispy Skies,” he continues. “And I’ll be your flight instructor today… and tomorrow, or not tomorrow? Next week? Well, I don’t have the schedule, but for the duration of your stay anyway. Just call me Wispy. Nice to meet you!”
At this point, I’ve already tensed up. Did he just say… flight instructor? Very slowly, I let my gaze drift towards the ceiling, where a massive obstacle course made of clouds looms above us. I barely register Snow’s magic picking the saddlebags from my back.
“Impressive, ain’t it. Took all of yesterday evening to set up. Y’know, I ain’t never taught an alicorn to fly before. In fact, when I heard it was an alicorn I was to be teaching, I couldn’t believe my own ears.”
I shake my head in an attempt to clear it.
“So… flying? I wasn’t expecting that.”
I glance over at my uncovered wings.
“Especially not so soon…”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. You ain’t gonna embarrass yourself in front of nopony right down here. I bet you’ll be a better first time flyer that Princess Twilight Sparkle after she got her wings?
That momentarily throws me for a loop? ‘got her wings?’ So another alicorn who wasn’t always an alicorn… interesting.
“So, why don’t you come and show off those wings of yours, Jonathan?”
“Huh, what, now?”
“Yes now! Why do you think we’re down here?”
“Can’t we do this another time?”
“Nope! Princess wants you up in the air and flapping those wings. Those may be lookin’ healthy now, but they won’t be for long if you don’t use them!”
“Uhh…”
“Come on Jonathan! Open em’ up! I need to see what it is we’re working with here!”
“Right… wings… open…”
I look back at the feathery appendages neatly folding along my back. How do I go about doing this? I try concentrating on them. One twitches slightly, but otherwise I do not get any response. Well, I know they can move. I try thinking back to all the times they’ve opened on their own. Suddenly, my left wing springs open with enough force to throw me sideways into the sandpit. I land heavily on my right wing and a lance of pain shoots through it.
“Oww…”
“What was all that? You’re going to ruin your wings like that! Get up!”
I’m in too much pain to respond. And even if I wasn’t, I don’t know how to get up from this position, so I’m content to just lay awkwardly in the sand with one wing in the air and the other crushed below me. After a moment, Snow’s magic lifts me back onto my hooves. Wispy walks around me to inspect my wing. I wince as he tugs it open and quietly regards the ruffled feathers.
“Eh, it’s not as bad as it could be, but we’ll have to get it preened out before you can take to the air.”
Dropping the limb, which flops limply on the floor, he walks back round to inspect my undamaged wing.
“Hmm. Not the worst I’ve seen. Good feathers, but your preening leaves something to be desired. Muscles look strong, but are starting to show early signs of atrophy. I guess the cloud course can wait, preening’s now first lesson of the day, but we don’t have long left to get you in the air. I have my work cut out for me now, don’t I. Alright, hold your wings out, like this.”
With one wing already extended, all that’s left is my limp wing. Hopefully falling on it didn’t break anything… Focusing on the sensations in the wing, especially where the ache is coming from, I manage to raise it shakily into position. The feathers are quite messy. Thinking back to my earlier preening attempts, I bend my neck round and start nudging the feathers back into place.
Wispy, who is watching me, steps in with his own advice.
“You want to be tugging on the feathers, not pushing them. You might damage the shafts if you do it like that. If they’re healthy, they’ll straighten out. If they’re damaged, they’ll pull out”
Huh. I look closer at the patch I’d been working on. I carefully tug on one, and it pulls straighter before snapping off. It seems I’d been bending the stems by inadvertently squashing the feathers inwards, and also messing up the ones in the surrounding area even more. I start tugging more out. Getting them in my teeth isn’t the easiest thing, but my flexible neck allows me to reach most of my wing.
“Try using your tongue. Using your teeth like that can mess up the feathers underneath. Your feathers are also a little dry-looking, not too bad though. Your tongue will help moisten ‘em and prevent them from becoming brittle. It’s important that you do that often, especially after a good drenching. Plain old water can wash away the oils your wings produce, so you should always preen after a shower. As good as your natural preening oils are, I would suggest using proper conditioner; you should have some in your room. It’ll provide more long-term protection and give your feathers a shinier sheen.”
I pause my feather licking.
“Uh, Wispy. What do you mean by preening oils?”
“Eh, I thought that’d be common knowledge. Not that I was going to leave that part out if you forgot. Now, preening oil is the oily substance produced under your wings to moisten your feathers and keep 'em in top notch condition. It won’t apply itself - that’s your job. After you’re done with straightening your feathers, I want you to lick under the base of your wing to get some oil on your tongue. Eh, that’s where your preening glands are.”
Once I’m finally finished with my wing, it’s looking almost good as new. It’s clear that there’s still room for improvement, but I guess I’ll get better. Following Wisp’s instructions, I bend my neck under my wings and (ewww) stick my tongue into a sensitive spot just underneath. Immediately, an oily substance seeps onto my tongue. It tastes weird, not bad, just weird. Oh well, here goes… I start using my tongue to spread the oil across my wings. It’s absolutely disgusting, but if that’s what pegasi have to put up with, I guess I’ll have to as well.
I look back across both of my outstretched wings. They’re kinda glossy now and the feathers are nice and straight. I cannot say how long it took, and there’s no windows down here either, but I’d assume it was at least 2 hours of licking. And, I feel like it helped. Not just in cleaning my wings, but getting a proper feel for them. Running my tongue carefully over each individual spot with no other sensory inputs has helped me align the tickling sensations of preening to each area of my wings. It won’t have given me instant masterful control, but it’s at least a start.
I carefully flap my wings up and down. Now that I think about it, I’ve been holding them out for quite a while and they don’t feel in the slightest bit tired. I guess pegasi wings have to maintain this position under much more strain when gliding, so I suppose it makes sense.
“I see you’re ready and raring to go, now Jon. Keep flapping. Get a feel for your wings.”
Flapping them slowly like this produces a light breeze which tickles the hairs around the edges of my hooves. I don’t feel any lighter yet, but I’m not flapping them much. I very slowly begin to increase my flapping speed, feeling the motion of my wings bending to slip through the air on the way up and seeming to stretch out to catch it on the way back down. The feeling is kinda therapeutic. And then I feel myself pulled onto the tips of my hooves as I push down a touch too hard. I freeze my wings, my heart suddenly beating rapidly from the shock. It wasn’t enough to leave the ground completely, but it almost got me airborne.
“Good. Good. Don’t stop. You almost had it! Come on, one more try.”
Taking a deep breath to calm my racing heart, I raise my wings. I flap them down. Woah! Too hard! I’m suddenly in the air, a couple feet off the ground. Surprised by the sudden takeoff, my next flaps come out of sync and I flip sideways to land in the sand on my back; all the air being driven from my lungs. Oops. I try to rock myself upright, but there’s resistance from my head. A few more rocks and I roll over my wing. This time, my wing is flat out on the ground and doesn’t get crushed. My head however, jolts, as something stops it following. With a few head shakes, I finally get it free, throwing sand into the air where some of it hits Snow in the face.
Standing up, I look at the horn shaped gouge in the sand. Another reason I don’t like having a horn.
“That was quite the crash there weren’t it. Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it, but maybe we should work on wing control a bit first. It’s about lunch time now, so we can finish it here if you want. Although I don’t mind if you wish to practise a little more first.”
Now that I think about it, I am quite hungry now. And that little flight, no matter how brief, had me terrified for a moment. I think I’m ready to stop now. The idea of flight still scares me, but I find myself kinda looking forward to it somewhat. For now though, I’m ready for lunch. I turn towards Snow to ask what she thinks… and her face is covered in sand. She looks a little annoyed actually… Snow Blossom suddenly bursts out laughing, dispelling my fears.
“Well, I’m just about ready for some lunch myself. You ready to go Jonathan?”
“Yeah, I’m ready Snow… Bye Wispy, thank you for teaching me this morning.”
“Eh, it ain’t no problem Jon, have a good day yourself now! Oh, and one last thing. I want you to keep practising controlling your wings. Here, a book on wing exercises. I want at least 20 minutes a day, okay?”
“Okay!”
Snow takes the book with her levitation and slips it into my saddlebags as she floats them over my back.
“Come on then Jonathan, I better get myself cleaned up before lunch. Bye Wispy!”
And so me, Snow and that quiet guard start making our way back towards the exit.
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Personally, I'm actually quite enjoying this story, wouldn't write it off is mediocre off the cuff. I'd want to see it continue since other stories with similar premises either *hard* lean into RomCom status, or just peeter off into nothing, whereas not only has this felt different, but you're also taking care to keep things pretty self contained.
Can't speak for others, but I would be quite disappointed myself if this stopped altogether.
As for prereaders, normally I'd be happy to offer, but my schedule is way overbooked as is, and I don't want to leave commitments hanging. I do hope you're able to get some soon, I think this story is at least worth that much!
Still interested in seeing where this goes. Writing is like any skill the more you do it the better you get. Keep up the good work :)
I think this story has been growing pretty well so far, and I can't say there's anything I don't really like about it. That being said, do whatever you feel like doing. It's your story, after all!
I like this story, it's realistic in how a person whould have reacted.
And just like ArceusFan493 said:
This story is beautiful and amazing.
Don't be afraid to post a chapter, even if there is something you think, we, the readers, don't like about It, we will tell you about it. And you can improve from that, but don't forget.
You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try, there will always be someone who doesn't like what you made!
Also.
This story is a learning experince for you, so don't worry if you make a mistake, you will be fine.
I liked your story and it would be a bit sad if it was over. In my opinion, there doesn't have to be a antagonist for a story to be good if you play it right, something cool can come out of an average story. That is why I am in favour of a continuation and further adventures of Jonathan in Canterlot.
I think that was the most detailed description of the woes of preening I've read in a while. Not to mention the food disparity from his original home. :)
You know, when you say you get that initial buzz of the fun brain chemicals from the flood of notifications with each new chapter. I think that's the same for everyone when they post a chapter. I always like to see who keeps coming back to read and who's new to turning up to my stories. If it helps ease your worries a little, I get those exact same worries about every published chapter, to the point I'm a bit nervous to upload the next one.
Also, I think your story's great. I've probably said it before, but It really scratches a specific itch for me with the alicorn slice of life stuff.
I enjoy this very much as a SOL that hasn't flown off the rails, as in, it takes its time actually leading up to anything, and it's a little more purposeful in approaching daily life in Jonathan's situation then say, a story about overthrowing an evil king or something that'd have Johnathan flyingin the span of this chapter alone.
Me personally, I've read a million variations of learning to fly/ learning magic, what makes it interesting is seeing how characters approach said tasks. Rarely do the writers make the actual magic or flying processes all that interesting, mind you, it doesn't have to be interesting, but if you want to try then I'd be down for it.
Part of the reason I read HIE so much is some sort of vicarious wish fulfillment. What would a modern man, not previously exposed to this world, experience? What are the fun little things that are mundane to ponies but novel and new to him? What makes existing as a pony so different? And you know, a million other little bits that every author will have a take on.
So basically, part of the fun in HIE is the mundane, the little bit where Jonathan had to spread the natural oils over his feathers?
Not once do I recall reading about that in another story, and I hadn't even considered it before, and it tickled that little part of my mind that loves hie.
Of course, you can get so caught up in the mundane that you behind like the story Moving Day... but considering I've read the whole thing and was vastly engrossed in the processes and legality of bailing hay in equestria? Yeah, uhh..
This story is great, and if your motivation suffers I wouldn't ask you to turn this into a chore. But I really hope it does continue, I'm having a good time reading it.
Looking at your ratings, 94% approval seems like this is well above mediocre. And there's a lot of ratings.
Honestly you're your own worst critic, and as for what I'm seeing? It's an enjoyable slice of life with decent characterization, nothing too over the top with the situation John is in.
I really like this because the MC, while an Alicorn, isn't op in any way besides the social status of being an Alicorn. He has to learn like everyone else and reading what he's learning about helps us connect with the story and enjoy it.
I eagerly look forward to more of this.
If his body retain his human's taste bud instead of ponies', it might cause problem in the long run.
I would add a bit more detail that explains him realizing his horn is in the sand and bit more descriptive.
You really capture the stress it is to adapt from living as a human to living as a pony.
Having to adapt to eating flowers without the change in tastebuds would really suck.
I’m a picky reader and while this story isn’t like mechanically impressive I think you sell its merits short. I quite enjoy every chapter I can get my hands on
Please don't stop writing this. I'm looking forward to each chapter you make on this even though I don't comment.
He's gonna have to get some remedial magic lessons in there eventually. A unicorn that can't use their horn is sad, but an alicorn that can't? Inconceivable! At the very least there's basic levitation and "magnetic hooves"-- neither of which are really explained other than all unicorns can do it and all ponies have them.
The longer this goes on for Jon, the more ponies are going to try and help with therapy and instructors, starting with the typical adult-level stuff and working back to adolescent and infantile-level guidance. Do they have cases of isekai showing up, just born yesterday? Mmm, probably not although there's always a first. That'd make for an excellent case study! (Down Twilight, down! Don't make me get the spray bottle)
I am enjoying this. Don't think that people don't.
This has been an interesting read but I have been enjoying it. You can only get better with practice as I’m sure you know, love to see it updated but I’ve seen a couple writers feel over pressured or self doubt just flat out makes them quit. You might check and see if you could find a proof reader (preferably free
) but you look like you comb through yourself fairly well, couldn’t find and typos, odd scene or reactions for anyone.
I just wanted to say that I love this story so far. I'm glad to see another chapter was finally added. This isn't the greatest story ever in the history of ever or anything, but I personally find it to be a pretty fun read. I hope more chapters are in the works. Looking forward to reading more of AiC (Alicorn in Canterlot).
I don't know what to think but i love this story and i look forward to more ch thank u ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I think you should continue with the story, it's actually covering a fairly rare bit of ground: A transformed human who has to deal with all the little issues of being transformed without having either a strong background in thinking about it or a big desire to embrace what he has become.
Even if it ends up mediocre as a story, (and I think you are staying above that line), seeing that space explored a bit better is a good thing. You could also treat it as a way of exploring your interpretation of Equestria, given how Jonathan fits easily into the roles of student, explorer and commentator.
Thank you for continuing this story, I've quite enjoyed the antics of all.
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Thanks for commenting. Before fimfiction, I hadn't really read or watched any romance. I have seen myself gain more interest in it since, but I have no plans to touch the genre myself any time soon. Especially not romantic comedy. This story is still likely to peeter off into nothing, but I hope it'll last at least a little while longer. I have a few plot points left to keep me going, but I need more ideas for filler. I won't be getting any prereaders for this specific story, I'm waiting until I start the next one for that.
11539713
Yeah. When I chose an alicorn, I didn't just choose it for being OP. I like to consider characters who have a more negative opinion on magic, and you may find that trend to continue into my other stories. I don't dislike it myself, but too many people just take the concept for granted. I like to write characters where they have magic, but aren't particularly happy about it, yet it just won't leave them alone. I guess I want to make to centre the conflict in this story within the more superficial. I also wouldn't want to have a big bad villain for a hero to defeat, because that just doesn't mix with the alicorn genre. Alicorns are too OP to make an interesting bad-guy fighting hero on their own.
11539719
I want to make the conflict about the issues with being an alicorn pony. Jonathan has to deal with his own body and his own magic (and later on, his socially perceived status.) Alicorn content is something I've found lacking previously, and as they're my favourite pony species, I want to write some alicorn stories. Since alicorns are seen as OP, I do want to be more cautious with how I write alicorn characters, which has resulted in this slow-paced slice of life story. Also, I've been reading/following your story "The Night's Shining Armour" since near the start and so hearing an author who I read comment on my own story is quite (I don’t know which word to use here).
11539732
The reason it takes its time leading up to anything is because I have no idea what happens after each chapter. I have very few longer term ideas, and of those, I lack ideas in between. After this chapter, its probably going to take me a while to figure out what happens next. So instead, I guess I'm focusing on just a few shorter aspects and taking them into detail. I guess that's my writing style now. Its quite a precarious balance between lots of interesting detail that describes very detailed imagery and also tedious overdetailing. I need to make sure not to spend too long on each description and keep stuff flowing from one thing to the next. Earlier chapters had a lot of word count dedicated to simply describing the trek through the castle, but I now have to limit and reduce scenes that cover things Jon has already done.
In terms of learning to fly or use magic, I also find it a bit annoying when a character learns too fast. Its too often simply taken for granted, and I prefer to let the character explore it to its fullest. In terms of the preening part, I included that because I've read other stories which touch on it. Although, with my detailing style, I spent quite some time trying to create a mental physics sim of feathers and how exactly they would need to be preened. I've read stories which include the preening gland. Since I've also been changing my workflow to use my laptop like a second monitor, it allows me to have a window open to do research, and I did read part of a wikipedia page on preening glands.
I'm focusing on description a lot in this story, but I do know that I should not drag things out too long and avoid detailing things already covered in previous chapters. Everything that is new will get detailed, and the same thing done again will be run through with less detail and no repeated details. I'm also trying to keep each chapter to its own theme/idea. I'm also focusing more on the stuff that Jonathan experiences directly and ignoring anything outside of his perspective.
11539759
Very true. Negative bias is also something I'm aware of and I am naturally more likely to notice and keep in mind the few critical comments out of the many positive. I do know that people legitimately enjoy this story, but my mind doesn't fixate on a single opinion and I find my opinions on this story change easily. Its always very up and down for me. The author's note hasn't been updated since it was written (after the first month-ish) except to update the month count. I did have a burst of, this story's not bad, I should get it done over the previous holiday. I can't remember what happened, but I went into a low on the story again. I do hope to keep it going though.
And thank you everyone for reading and commenting. It helps a lot with my motivation. I hope to start work on a new chapter soon. Once I work out what the next chapter will be about that is…
I think Luna was worried that she might make a poor impression on a new alicorn. That’s a good reason for her to be accepting of the reprimand.
I like this story. I like how the MC isn’t thrilled to be there but is trying to go with the flow for a little while. I also like how we only really see from the MC’s perspective. It adds a layer of intrigue and mystery to the goings on around in the world.
Please keep writing.
11542341
Sorry it’s been awhile since I last been around and haven’t gotten to read the chapter till now. I do agree you don’t need to do romance since that’s been a very common theme in HiE storie… Unless you like to add it as a plot or you could just leave hints for viewers to go for their own imagination?
Anyways, I prefer seeing more a slice of life of seeing Jon adapting his form and life in this magical world. I agree with you and disagree as well about villains since you don’t need a world ending villain rather villains can be in all forms of places like the nobility, politicians, bullies and etc. There’s definitely ways for him to beat them not with lasers but with smarts and a good heart since I’ve read stories were the villain is a boss or politician and it can be really good how they beat them. Not by stone
I really like the concept you have about him not liking magic. That can be a villain of itself since really a villain can even be yourself not by hurting others but by closing yourself of fear.
I could try to help if you like. Can’t wait for more!
OMG!! 3 Months?! I hope you can publish future chapters a little bit early. Oh and as much motivation as possible.
The author notes are to long so I didn't read everything but I agree starting is the hardest thing to do and I find it quite a relaxing read thank you for the story.
Thanks for the latest chapter. I like the story and am excited to see where it leads. Keep up the good work.
I hope there will be another soon....iiif you don't mind...
I am not an expert writer, and I cannot help but cringe calling myself even intermediate, however after almost six years of writing (not just on this site) the biggest advice that I can give is the same advice I was given about four years ago, and promptly ignored until it just one day clicked, is to keep on writing.
Just. Keep. Writting.
Doubt is only natural when creating and presenting it, I still remember when I had to cling to the source material harder than a drop bear to a tree, and had to rip entire paragraphs from other works of literature because I just couldn't do it on my own. I also have written a story that at the time was a big learning experience that, while being great practice, ultimately was a really badly written, cringe-galore filled, no doubt in some area was offensive, shallow characters, and insulting to the eye in many areas. Looking back, I cannot even read a paragraph before having to close the tab because I am just not engaged, interested, or perhaps even dedicated enough to slog through a chapter.
And you know what? That's natural, and now I read over my chapters several times, at times changing entire paragraphs, you, yes you, will always be your biggest critic, maybe not the loudest, maybe not the most direct, but most certainly the most important.
I am not telling you to continue writing, but even less so to hurl it in the trash. Use this as an experience, and keep going, it doesn't matter if this will become a Magnum Opus or just 'fast food' that can be enjoyed on the site, one day you will start a new story, and halfway through you will always be better than when you started always, the later chapter will certainly be better, that's just the rule.
But whatever you do, just have fun, and don't beat yourself up because a chapter might not be what you wished it to be, certainly not long after one will come that will be better than you could've hoped for. So write on, dear Author, on this fiction, another story, or any other endeavor you'd liked displayed on the internet.
Ok here's my thoughts on the story and characters.
1. Will he tell the Ponies that their Biology might be different because of how different the taste is when he eats pony Food, like other ponies might taste something sweet and juicy in the Flower while he tast something Bitter & Dry.
2. Will he say that Earth Ponies & Humans live together In Harmony on Earth 🌎 & how Logic & Physics works differently from Equestria?
3. Will he explain some culture different 🤔 on how their Home Country Developed differently from Equestria? Like their Technology & Entertainment including Food?
4. Will he say that Earth Ponies & Humans eat Meat? And it's a very common Food to eat their? After learning more about Equestria? Because I'm pretty sure he's going to make sure that they don't eat Cow Meat or Goats since their Sentient being in Equestria.
5. Will he explain how similar the Everfree Forest works like their Home Country & its normal for them to have Weathers doing things by themselves & Animals.
6. Will he talk about Pollution Problems they have on Earth while Equestria doesn't have that problem 🤔
7. How will his Study Buddy Friends react to him being an Alicorn when they find out?
8. I'm a little worried 😟 how the Nobels will react to the little Alicorn Colt...
9. Will he explain the Age Difference from Equestria Law on what is a Kid or an Adult? I kinda forgot what he said about his Age but he probably said 19 or 18 Years old and Celestia said he's still a Colt, will he say that 19 Years Old is considered an Adult Age & need to get a Job? And able to Drink Alcohol?
10. What will he Do once Celestia and Luna announce his Presence and said he's from a Distant land called Earth 🌎 and came to Visit Equestria, Like for Example how much fake Backstory will he make to tell the Public and how many half truth will he say about his Culture?
11. Will he learn about other races living in Equestria like Dragons, Yaks, Changeling, Cats, Dimond Dogs, Anthro Parrots including Earth Ponies 🌎 like will he be surprised how Earth Ponies have Magic to like growing plants and food also healing abilities? Because I bet he will fall in love with AppleJack’s Farm.
12. Will he introduce some Earth Culture in Equestria & Shock 😲 them how different and exotic they are?
Normal for him but Exotic to Equestria standards.
This is good thus far! I would enjoy to read some more of it!
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I'll be honest man, because I can't understand Johnathan to such a degree I can't keep reading it. I can't get behind why he thinks or acts the way he does. With no background to explain his mentality or choices he just comes off as grumpy and a bit random.
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Makes sense. I have absolutely no clue what his personality is supposed to be either, he just does whatever made sense to me in the moment. I don't have a clear idea of his personality so how he acts may be inconsistent. I aim to rectify this flaw in future stories by actually doing planning and such. Character isn't my strong point.
Its not a bad story, and though some think of it as slow paced, I like the pace as it is more of a "play by play" like story.
Although it feels like its going as it is as he feels too...shy? Quiet? To speak up and those around him aren't inquisitive enough in a way. But also in a way, its probably the most realistic like story on this topic I've read here, as most are fast paced, yep the character is perfectly fine with this as is the world, fast learner, everything goes smoothly, where this feels more realistic. If you were thrown into a world where there is absolutely no knowledge of yours, you don't have all your memories, you wouldn't say much either and not really know what to do or think and those of the world wouldn't know what exactly to do with you either.
In a way, it feels like a long and slow buildup to something that will come many chapters from now and I'm fine with that. I like this change of pace compared to the rest of them, as its more like you're there instead of many massive time jumps and miracles.
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If you'd like, I'm willing to offer my help as an editor. I've written a few stories
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That would be helpful, I am currently looking for editors. I'll be home soon, we can discuss it then if you like. PM me when you're ready and we can discuss it further.
I think you should continue this one personally. As for inspiration I would say you can do more with this stories vibe as it is. It does not have to be an extreme story or please everyone either. What I think you have so far is a semi slice of life with some probably unintentional (initially anyway) mysteries that could be expanded to something greater in scope if you wanted to. How did he get there? IS there a greater purpose? It does not matter if there is a greater purpose unless that is written in. It is entirely possible to write an excellent story where the reader or character/author writes the purpose as they go. Maybe it was happenstance or a joke? Maybe there was a greater purpose and it is botched or seemingly botched (e.j. Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett)?
While I can agree that it is high level mediocre in scope currently; I think you have strengths you can draw on. Such as the last few chapters were
low levelgranular world building in how he thinks he is perceived and leaving hints as to how the other characters perceive him to the reader. Readers tend to like that. OR when you give insight into the lore of the universe such as with preening even if it is not something brad new does not mean it does not play a role in painting the picture of the story. In some way that can be a strength having others assume they know what is going on.I think you can do more with the story believe it or not. You have also not committed the first cardinal sin of pride in making him a "Gary Stu". That speaks a lot in your intention with writing even if you have doubts or fears in growing as an author. It is also rare that an alicorn fic is made working their way up in the world.
Just keep writing; even if it is not this story. Or keep writing this story. I think as a reader I would be happy either way but I would prefer this story have some growth even it is experimental in nature as you grow as an author.
You can do it.
I hope the next chapter comes out. I can tell that it has the potential to be a good story.
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Don't worry, the story hasn't been forgotten about. I'm just struggling a little with procrastination. I do want to get the next chapter out soon, but I don’t know when I'll be ready.
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Write in segments, do you have a scene you really want to write but have to pass through some boring one first? Write the cool scene first THEN start writing the one to reach it, it serves as an amazing incentive to reach the part you want to.
Interesting story so far, if you get stuck with the MC maybe add some more side chapters about how the princesses are reacting.
i hope this thing isint dead cuz i really enjoy it
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It's half-dead. As in, I still think about it often, I just never get round to actually updating it. Next chapter has been stuck as ≈300 words for months now. Getting back into the swing of writing this is hard.
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Don’t worry, I’m writing my own story though I haven’t finished yet as I’m on a vacation to Cancun. I haven’t written a story bigger than like, 1000 words before this, snd I haven’t written much before this either. Go check it out, though it might be not approved yet and it’s not there. But if it is, read it, it’s called 601 Corn Neck Road, you could draw inspiration from it, but back to what I was saying. Just sit down and think, it’s very easy to do so if you have ADHD. So just sit down and think, and think, and think, and it that doesn’t work than draw inspiration from other authors. Also check out my story. Don’t worry, you’ll get in the hang of writing again eventually. -AHHHHHHHHHHHH, Author
No new updates on the story. Trying a new application to help keep track of things. I am still considering rewriting earlier chapters. Just need to go back and document stuff that has happened previously so I can make things more consistent and bring in earlier factors.
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Ok, looking forward to it.
Progress on next chapter has started up again. I'm making headway. I want to at least have it done within the next 13 days (26th March) since that's when the last chapter was uploaded.
Been reading through old comments and it's reminded me of the themes of the story I was going for when I began and given me better insight into why people liked this story to start with.
Still not much material to extrapolate over, but I think there might be enough push the story a few more chapters.
I've scrapped the idea of a full rewrite, but might still modify a select few older chapters if I find them to be subpar, too exposition heavy, contain characters who are OOC, etc.
{{March 25th Edit}} - unlikely to be out on the 26th