It has been ten years since the founding of Equestria. The pony tribes have overcome their differences and have built a new society of unity and order, but little did they know their new found peace would lead to such ruin. For no action can exist without an opposite. No great harmony can be created without Discord being born. Now Princess Platinum, Clover the Clever, former-chancellor Puddinghead and Commander Wonderbolt must find a way to help their gods overthrow their new tyrant, while trying keep the country and themselves from tearing apart.
Chapters (5)
Hmm, not bad. Reads like a history book and some nice ideas about how equestria was formed and how the landscape diversified. Little slow but now that the background is out of the way gonna wait and see how the story evolves before i rate. So plz continue :)
It's great!
Although, at the start you don't need to say "Introduction" and "Chapter 1" in my opinion, it would probably flow just as well with a double paragraph.
It's a good definition of the history at the start, but when you get to "On this road, near the borders of Equestria, where you could feel the chill of the wintry lands ahead, a grey pony awoke. He opened his eyes..." It changes rather abruptly. I think you need to put this in italics, and depending how you write the rest, see what you do there on.
Thanks so much for the feedback, it really means a lot to me and is really motivating me to continue. If I had waited until I'd finished two or three chapters, I'd probably take a lot longer.
Stelith, I took your advice about the "Introduction" and "Chapter 1."
I'll also have a go at making the transition between historic record to storytelling a lot less jarring.
So according to this fic's description Smart Cookie, Commander Hurricane, and Private Pansy are not going to be in this, is there a reason why?
@SuperPinkBrony12 They'll be mentioned, but I felt it would be too many characters for them all to have a purpose in the story.
Chapter two is up. I'm happy with it, but please give feed back and I'll try fixing anything that's wrong.
Still no Discord high jinx yet, next chapter I promise. I reintroduce the main characters from Hearth's Warming Eve that'll take part in this story, as well as introduce the new Pegasi Commander. I don't know if my choice of his name will be well received, but believe me, I have a plan to try do it justice.
I'm going to bed now, I have a headache. See you all later. Please give feed back.
So now we know that Hurricane has been dead for 3 years but what about Pansy and Smart Cookie, are they still alive or are they dead too?
Pansy's still alive. So's Smart Cookie, but she will be mentioned later.
Here's chapter three, I hope you approve. Sorry it took so long, it took forever to start writing.
Discord's finally arrives on the scene. Only being less than a day old, he's chaotic nature can even catch himself off guard.
I was tempted to make chapters three and four a single chapter, but I think It'll be alright.
Please rate, comment and share.
Also, I'm going to look into getting a cover image for the story. If you want to draw it or have any ideas, please comment.
1493442 Now we just need to know what happened to Private Pansy.
Glad to see you're back man.
I've just edited this chapter. Some of the last few paragraphs are new.
Here's chapter four, mainly just talking.
Please comment, share, rate, give advice, ect.
Also, please check out my other ongoing story, "The Adventures Of Dewey Decimal and Steven!"
Hm could Discord possibly be corrupting Puddinghead, or has he given up?
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He definitely hasn't given up. Unlike in the show, where he was making up for lost time, here Discord is taking his time, savoring everything he does. He's trying to corrupt Puddinghead but he's seeing if he can do it purely through talking to her.
1648952 I'll bet I know why he's focusing on her first, she's the most vulnerable and actually agrees with some of his policies.
Boom, chapter five. Longest one so far.
I think the best thing about writing this fan-fic is that any character inconsistencies when compared the show can be attributed to either inaccuracy of the play or off screen character development (either the 10 years since the play or decades between now and the show.)
Next chapter, C and P travel through Chaos Country while W tries to protect the people of Canterlot.
Then I promise we'll get to the Princesses.
Also, I like Tonal Clash, a call back to the secondary definition of Discord in Chapter three FTW.
*Edit*
Just thought people might want to know, I've written out a rough draft the final scene of the final chapter. I can't wait to share it with you.
1714001 I still want to know what happened to Private Pansy, she's the only founder whose fate is unknown.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks843HXBqeA
I got some feedback, and it made me realize that the history book aspects of Chapter one, while very interesting to people invested in the universe and curious about how it all took place, it could be considered boring to some. I removed the text book account of Equestria's early years and I will create separate page for it. Who knows, I might make up a fake history account of before and after.