The most powerful magic known to ponydom
One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of –
Twilight squinted hard as she tried to make out the smudged and barely legible word on the page. This was the problem with dealing with old sources. Before printing presses became widespread, most books were painstakingly transcribed by horn, or even by mouth. Mistakes, mistranslations, and editorial revisions would sneak in and then get propagated down the line, even after more uniform copying methods were developed. That was why it was so important to consult the earliest editions, even if the horn/mouth writing of some of these ponies left a lot to be desired. The worn condition of some of these centuries old tomes didn't to anything favorable for their readability either.
" Huh. Well I think I can make it out, though that's definitely not how that's spelled, even in Old Equestrian."
She quickly shook the thought from her head. If her suspicions were correct, then a major disaster was heading their way and typographical errors would be the least of their concerns. Nightmare Moon was coming, and they had to be ready before she plunged the world into eternal night. She tucked her book away in her saddle bag and started galloping back towards her tower. There was no time to lose.
***Later***
She couldn't believe it. The princess had completely blown her off! Sent her to Ponyville to make friends of all things. How was she supposed to find these mysterious Elements if she was busy making friends? At least she was staying in a library. Hopefully she could take care of her duties regarding the Summer Sun Celebration quick enough to search for a relevant text. Would that be under economics? Sociology? If that failed, she'd just have to hit the streets for some good old fashioned field research. Admittedly, a larger city like Manehattan or Canterlot would be a much better choice for this kind of research project than a quiet little hamlet like Ponyville. Her chances of finding an expert in the relevant subject matter here was distressingly slim, but this was the hoof she'd been dealt, so she'd just have to make do.
***Later Still***
"You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The night will last forever!" Nightmare Moon gave an evil laugh as she stood among the shards of the former elements. Now nothing could stop her usurpation of the throne. The purple unicorn seemed undeterred, however.
"You think you can destroy The Elements of Whore Money just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Whore Money are right here."
"WHAT? Wait, did you just say—"
"Applejack, with her entrepreneurial spirit and cool level headedness, represents the spirit of...Business Sense!"
"Y'all check out our daily special on the Appleloosian train ride. Half-off if you refer a friend!"
"Fluttershy, who always puts the customer's desires first and will accommodate any request, represents the spirit of...Adaptability! "
"Umm...whatever you wanna do is fine."
"Pinkie Pie, with boundless energy and unmatched passion for her work, represents the spirit of...Enthusiasm!"
"It rhymes with orgasm!"
"Rarity, who can turn any head from any street corner, represents the spirit of...Allure!"
"Naturally, darling. Do you think I spend 2 hours in front of the mirror each morning for fun?"
"And Rainbow Dash, with her athleticism and fitness, who can take customer after customer and never quit, represents the spirit of...Endurance!
"If the night lasts forever, then so will I!"
"The spirits of these five ponies got us through the challenges of this long and exhausting night, and through everypony in Ponyville. We calmed the public's fears and made those fat stacks of bits, and now we're here to stop you!"
"That's...what? How...why....also that's only five. But more importantly—"
"Ah, but we do have the sixth. I felt it the first time a pony started causing trouble for one of the girls."
Twilight's eyes began to shimmer and turn white as a cloud of raw magic pushed its way out of her horn.
"You see, Nightmare Moon, as essential as the other five Elements are, challenges will always arise. Villains and ne'er-do-wells and ponies who think they can get away without paying what is owed. It is then that the sixth Element is needed. One that binds and unites the others and destroys anything that stands between you and your money. An unstoppable force that no evil can withstand!"
The cloud of magic solidified into a massive magenta hoof.
"No...No!" Nightmare Moon took a step back in terror, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks at the sight of the arcane appendage.
"Yes. The Element of...A STRONG PIMP HOOF!
Nightmare Moon's cry of "Nooooo!" was quickly cut off by a magical hoof across the face, propelling her at great speed into a nearby wall. A cloud of dust rose from the masonry that collapsed down around and ontop of her. As she emerged, cross-eyed, from the rubble and tried to steady herself on shaking hooves, it was followed up by another and another. This went on for a few minutes, further degrading the state of the surrounding ruins, but an understanding was inevitably reached. The sun dawned once again on the land of Equestria.
Twilight would eventually go on to start a highly successful brothel chain called "Friendship", and even founded an associated "School of Friendship" to teach others all she had learned. The nation flourished under her teachings, becoming both a diplomatic and economic powerhouse thanks to a surge in international tourism. And thus, the land was blessed with peace and whore money forevermore.
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This is great.
this is pretty fun well done
take my horse money!
This is so dumb I love it
That happened.
Uh, you might want to check the site rules. I don't think you're allowed to write scenes from the show exactly how they happened.
Edit: For those disliking my comment, I'm saying that Nightmare Moon got pimp slapped in the show lmao
Exactly my kind of crackfic.
Why did you put an apostrophe there?
11303561
Not sure how that even got in there. Fixed.
oh my
this is brilliant
Very curious exactly what Celestia’s reaction to these revelations in friendship was.
11303745
Reminds me of your recent work... Kinda.
11303979
The genre of harmony puns is surprisingly not exhausted even after a decade of fandom.
I gotta say that Whore Money never even occurred to me.
This fic was well cracked.
Can't tell if this is intentional or not, since that should be Luna. Still, an amusing read all the same, and I cracked up at several points.
I can't believe you. I am whorified by this entire story. Waitaminute...
11304226
I thought is was weird too, but that's a direct copy paste from the transcript of the first episode. I guess historical textual errors really are a problem.
I need to go watch the second episode again.
11304539
With a...fresh...perspective...
11303950
Probably mixed, since she's Twilight's pimp and thus gets both a percentage and plentiful piles of paperwork. It's like they say: Whore money, whore problems!
morb
11304484
Huh! In that respect, the story is kinda meta in that has a typo like that along with the original script, especially in the book Twilight's reading!
11304795
There's also the classic issue of Celesita being shown with pink hair, and making the entire fandom assume for years that she got her multi-colored mane later, and then when they finally give us a flashback episode she just has her current mane during it, meaning the book was just wrong.
WARNING: EXCESSIVE HORNY DETECTED.
I died
dont know what i expected from this, but i was not disappointed
that was a good laugh
Quality shitpost.
This is absolutely amazing. 10/10 crackfic. I am begging you to write the scene where Celestia finds out what Twilight thought the elements were. :D
This is the greatest line. You deserve all the horse money.
Well that was entertaining if too short. 8/10 great job. Would love to see more of the ramifications of this.
*chef's kiss*
11307508
Do.. Do they really?
ROFLMAO!!!
I really don't know what I was expecting, but that was pretty funny.
So, you said that this was a dumb idea that popped into your head during a lecture, and let me tell you, this sure as hell feels like a dumb idea that popped into someone's head during a lecture. But it's important to say that that's no bad thing. Sometimes a dumb, stupid idea can be great fun, and this is indeed all three of those things.
There's always the danger that by putting the punchline in the title, it runs the risk of spoiling any sense of surprise or mystery that you might try to build. But credit to you, when I finally got to the punchline, it was both surprising and hilarious just for how abrupt it was - a real "[record scratch]" moment!
And the way you changed the characters' roles to match this newly-desecrated misinterpretation of the Elements? Bloody genius. Better than it had any right to be for a mere thousand words, and got a good few actual laughs out of me at the same time. Noice!
This went somewhere I didn't expect and I love it!
Instead of imprisoning you for a thousand years, getting hit by the Elements of Whore Money just makes you get immediately sex-trafficked, which is technically not nearly as bad.
I'm just revisting this fic to say that I never hear "Elements of Harmony" the same way again. Now it's just the "Elements of Hormoney."
Well I know this wasn’t your intended purpose but thank you for making a story to help me calm down from an impending panic attack
Looks like there's not a single subject Twiggles hasn't studied just in case.
Pimplight Sparkle. Unexpected, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
11752097
you missed the