When you get crushed and end up in a new world, with a few instruments and your best friend, the lies come and the memories go.
Chapters (10)
itisdoctorwhooves
Joined 17th Sep, 2012 ·
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One word don't use slang in story description. makes people not want to read story!
ALSO FIRST!!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg
Well, I admire your enthusiasm. :) Unfortunately, I do have to say that your writing needs a lot of work - not just in grammar and sentence structure, but in basic literary technique as well. All you're really doing is rapidly firing off things that are happening and things that are being said, with no real rhyme or reason. There's a lot more to storytelling than that.
For example:
One paragraph is far too little to cover such an important event in your story. There's so much detail that you can and should go into. Where is his home? Why would a boulder fall on the car? Was he driving on the kind of road where this is likely? If not, why isn't he surprised at such a strange thing happening? How did he know his car got crushed by a boulder if it happened so fast? What did it feel like to be crushed by a boulder?
What did it feel like to wake from such a terrible experience? Why isn't he in shock? Is he dazed from the accident? Is it affecting his experience? What does that feel like?
What did the three ponies look like? Are they real ponies, or Equestrian ponies? (obviously, we readers know from the context that they're MLPs, but you're describing the experience of a human character who never believed that MLP was real.) What did the ponies look like? Why are they there? Where did the unicorn come from? Is the unicorn one of the three ponies? How did they react to seeing him wake? Why did they get teleported away? Were they teleported away against their will? How did they feel about that? How did he know that they were teleported, or that the unicorn was responsible for it? Why isn't he surprised to see a teleportation for the first time in his life?
I know it seems incredibly pedantic for me to raise all these questions (and it is), but without details like this, a story has no meat. You don't have to spend pages and pages analysing something to the last detail, but you do need to do enough to show the reader why they should care about what's going on.