• Member Since 11th Jul, 2022
  • offline last seen Saturday

Crescent_Luna01


Hey I'm Luna, an amateur writer that just wants to have some fun.

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Source

Let me tell you a tale about two sisters.

Long ago, there were two Alicorn sisters who ruled over the land, the older sister would raise and lower the Sun, while the younger would Raise and Lower the moon. Together, they ruled over Equestria, protecting the kingdom and bringing peace to all of it's inhabitants.

However, with time, the younger sister grew more and more Jealous about her older sister. While ponies basked in the glory of the Sun, enjoying it's warmth and doing activities during the day, ponies would sleep through the night.

That jealousy grew into arguments, which grew into hatred. They both distanced themselves from each-other, until the younger sister finally decided to rebel, she wanted to take over the Entire Kingdom for herself. The older sister didn't have any other choice, but to completely banish her younger sister to the Moon.

This is that story.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 2 )

This was a decent story for what I'm assuming is your first attempt at writing for this site. You had a solid premise with a lot to work with, but your execution had several significant issues. The most glaring issue is probably the numerous mechanical errors throughout, which were somewhat distracting. More important than this was the issue of this story being too fast and too explicit about what was going on. I get that this is a first-person story, but you should still show some restraint when it comes to your focus character's thoughts. Lastly, there was no need to show the final scene of Nightmare Moon's banishment. As you said yourself, it was just the same scene we saw in the show, and so didn't add anything to the story. All of these are issues that you could avoid going forward if you spend some more time and effort on your writing.

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You're not wrong, the theme really was on the nose but I guess I should've been more careful with it, I wasn't planning on making a long story but with a theme like this, I suppose some more time to let it slowly sink in might be needed, instead of outright telling. Time and time again, I've known that "Show, not tell" is the best way to portray those kinds of emotions, and I should've spent more time establishing what Luna felt rather than telling it. I guess the concept was better in my head, but the execution wasn't so good lol

In the end, thanks for reading and for the constructive criticism! It's always appreciated! I'll look towards fixing these issues in my next stories, or even re-write this whole story later down the line when I'm more experienced. I also have the idea of a sequel to this, related to Celestia instead but that's for another time.

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