Beanery

by TCC56

Centerfold

Photo Finish was a mare of great talent and a great many words to describe herself. Her personal favorites were I-words.

Inspired.

Inventive.

Iconic.

Incredible.

At current, that would also include intimidated.

She was just a (not very) humble photographer and artist - having a pair of dark-armored batpony guards in her studio was not normal. It didn't help that neither of them had said a word since entering, merely looming ominously on either side of the door. And they hadn't responded to her inquiries (well, demands) to explain themselves, either.

After two solid minutes of dead silence and flat expressions, Photo Finish had stopped asking them why they were here and instead started to mentally go over what she could have done to be arrested for.

She was still going over that when the door burst open, which likely explained (and hopefully excused) her distraught screech. "I haf never smuggled pineapples!"

The sheer ridiculousness caused Princess Luna to stop dead in the doorway, her planned dramatic entrance ruined by non-sequitur. "...Good," she decided on after a full thirty seconds of silence. "See that you continue to not do so." Several more awkward seconds passed. "Do you… have any other confessions to make?"

Another pregnant pause.

"...Please do not send me to jail," asked the cowering photographer. "I look terrible in orange."

With a sigh, Luna dismissed her guards with a small nod of her head. "I see I have made a miscalculation in my arrival, Miss Finish. The intent was never to frighten you so - obviously, this is yet another misreading of ponies on my part." Approaching Photo, Luna bowed her head. "We apologize for Our error and assure you We mean you no harm or ill will. Our reason for coming is to see your commission--"

Fortunately for Photo Finish one of the other I-words used to describe her was indefatigable.

Two-tenths of a second after the Princess said that, Photo Finish was on her hooves and already gathering her camera equipment. "Ah, you require Photo Finish to work Ze Magicks! Do not fear, Princess, for I, Photo Finish, shall make you sparkle!"

The awkward pause stopped back in for one last check to make sure nobody wanted anything from the corner store while it was out.

"...Luna," dryly noted the Princess of the Moon. "Twilight Sparkle is a different princess."

"A Princess… is a princess." Photo Finish didn't look back as she started to set up her equipment, utterly failing to get the joke.

Luna edged forward, silver-shod hooves tapping on the studio floor. "Perhaps you should at least inquire as to what I am commissioning?"

The response was slow, as the photographer was occupied with choosing her lenses. "Hm? Oh, yes yes, tell Photo Finish what it is you seek so that she may correct you."

Briefly, Luna frowned - but she pushed forward anyway. "I require… I, ah…" A hot red blush crept to her cheeks. "We are doing a piece in Playcolt and--"

Photo Finish's sunglasses hit the floor, as did her jaw.

"A tasteful one!" Luna lept to her own panicked defense. "Merely risque, not… ah." She waved vaguely, not wanting to say the words.

Photo Finish tried to be helpful. "Degenerate smut?"

The Princess' lips pursed. "I would not term it quite like that, but yes. I have no desire to do that, but I am told that it has excellent articles as well, and, ah…" Luna sighed heavily, head drooping. "Who am I trying to fool, if I wished for articles I would be interviewed by the newspaper." She tried to raise up and look Photo Finish in the eyes - and failed, unable to meet the photographer's gaze. "I am hoping your immense skill can accomplish what I'm after without making this a complete debacle."

While it was two words, Photo Finish did like 'immense skill' and it still started with an i. She nodded. "And what is it you are seeking by dabbling in this… schmutz?"

Pacing, Luna moved away from Photo and to the broad window that overlooked Manehatten's Central Park. "I am sure you are aware that my duties are more than just the moon - that much of my time is taken by patrolling the dreams of Equestria to ensure Our ponies are protected in sleep just as they are when awake. And when I do so, I see.. things." She hesitated. "It is perhaps not a surprise that ponies dream about Princesses. I…" Luna trailed off again, cheeks bright red with embarrassment. "My sister has many admirers in dreams - and why should she not? She has been entrenched so deeply in Equestria that 'celestial' is itself a complimentary adjective. Cadance is the literal avatar of love and, well." Luna bit her lip. "I have also recently been introduced to the term 'MILF energy', which was an eye-opening experience."

The Princess of Dreams sighed heavily, turning away from the window. "Even young Twilight has many dreams that revolve around her. Perhaps somewhat troubling is the sheer number of her friends that dream about her that way, but I cannot deny that she has - as one pony put it - the filly-next-door charm. She is a Princess but one of the commoners. Approachable and earnest. And I… I do not." Luna's posture sagged again. "It may shock you, Miss Finish, but alicorn or not I am still a mare. I know that my jealousy and own petty ego has led once to disaster, but is it so wrong that I wish to be desired? To feel attractive? To--" She stopped, seeing how the photographer was gawking at her. "I… I suppose that yes, it must seem surprising that something so petty as ephemeral beauty would hold sway on a Princess. I should be better than this."

"What?!" Photo Finish pushed her glasses back up. "Nein! That is not why I am shocked! You are saying you are not seen as attractive? Impossible!"

A wry, sour smile slipped across Luna's lips. "I have empirical proof of it from the sometimes far too detailed dreams of Our citizens."

But Photo Finish wouldn't hear of it. "Nein! Impossible!" She stomped over to Luna with the fury of a manticore in mating season. "You are dark! Mysterious! Dangerous und tempting!" She flicked her tail, thumping the Princess in her flank and making Luna jump. "And you say ponies do not find you attractive? That is because they have not seen you as you are!"

"...Yes!" The embarrassment faded from Luna's voice, replaced by a more eager cheer. "Yes, exactly! They simply do not know me! I can be hot, too!"

"NEIN!" Photo Finish stomped her hoof. "You will be sexy! Spectacular! Seductive! Smoldering!" She decided that she also liked s-words. "Photo Finish must correct this error! She will not stand for such! Come! To ze studio!"

The photographer stalked off with fire in her soul, and Luna capered after her like a giddy teenager.

---

Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow at the Captain of the Solar Guard. "I presume there's a reason you decided that I needed pornography with my afternoon tea? Normally I have a few biscuits or a little pastry."

If, at that moment, the Captain had been able to turn himself inside out and disappear he would have. But that would have been a dereliction of duty, so he soldiered on. "Apologies, your Highness, but I took this off the hooves of one of your guards and felt it was important to show you immediately."

Celestia's other eyebrow raised.

Blush bright crimson against his white coat, the Captain simply flipped the magazine open and let the tri-fold feature picture unfold before the Princess.

Celestia's eyes went as wide as the saucer under her teacup.

"My… my sister is the centerfold?!"

Author's Note:

Prompt: Based On A Song
Bonus: Must include two characters who have never interacted with each other in canon

Comments

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This premise should not have worked as well as you made it work. I laughed multiple times, hardest of all at Celestia's first line.