In the aftermath of the memory erasing debacle, Sunset Shimmer is haunted by dreams and premonitions of her former darker self and the mayhem she would create. She is also haunted by visions of people she can't recognise and voices calling out to her. A sense of paranoia has griped her as she constantly fears for losing her friends after almost losing them to the memory stone. But something has changed, a connection that had once laid dormant within her has awakened, and it has drawn the attention of others, especially a mysterious woman named Kara Antra who calls this power 'The Force' and massive galactic organisation called the Empire, the latter is bent on conquering their once peaceful planet for nefarious purposes. Separated from the friends, Sunset must now learn the ways of this Force and become a Jedi from Kara to save her friends and her people from being enslaved by this evil Empire. In doing so, she must confront her darkness within. Will She prevail or will she give in to the temptations of the Dark Side ?
Wow
Hey, this is a pretty good start and while there there are a few gravimetrical errors i can only see one big issue, I'll use the following paragraph to try and so you;
The above is how it appears in the story, the main issue here is the formatting, in order to let the reading flow more easily threw dialog every time you change speak you should move to a new paragraph. this helps tune the reader into the fact that someone else is supposed to be talking and helps break up the text as giant walls of text can be difficult to parse threw at times
As you can see, while the breaks cause it to take up more space it's easier to find you place in the conversation if you got pulled away for a moment and again helps the flow of the dialog as their is a clear break between when one character stops talking and another begins.
I'm enjoying the story so far and will continue to read, hope this helps in you future writing.
okay a second problem is becoming apparent, and that's you habit of randomly italicizing thing for seemingly no reason, by Italicizing a single word or a couple next to each other you're cuing in the reader to stress those words.
Take the the sentence "I've never done that." by italicizing each word you get completely different outcomes;
"I've never done that." implies that someone else has
"I've never done that." would most likely come off as sarcastic
"I've never done that." Implies that they've thought about doing it, and
"I've Never done that." Implies that they've done something similar.
The worst appearance of it in this chapter was when talking about Sunset's and Twilight's "Special Relationship". by italicizing those words in that context you are doing everything but saying outright that they're dating, that's just how it comes off, like my first though on reading that was, "Oh? They have a special relationship huh, wink wink, nudge nudge and all that?" only for you to say, "No shipping not even flirting." in the authors note, witch is, of course, fine.
meanwhile if you had just left "Special Relationship," untouched and normal i wouldn't have been cued in to look into any subtext and just went, "oh, yeah their friendship would be a bit deeper."
Still really enjoying the story though, just another thing to pay attention to in the future.
this is the first chapter where i actually have gripes with the story,
First off, sunset's reaction to Zeko, Sunset is literally the last person on the planet who would react that way, she's from equestrian a planet with Dozens of weird sentient beings, while most of the weirder ones are rare (Discord and ahuizotl}, things like changelings or Chimera are far freakier than a 4 armed monkey.
the following conversation is mostly fine though the fact that other things live in the universe is a bit weird seeing as she herself is an alien, though of a different sort.
then there's the force talk, in the first chapter you showed how Celestia is a powerful light side user and that the random guards that were assigned to the thrown room that day knew of the force, as they new what she meant by, "The dark side." so why wouldn't Sunset, who was her preanal student not now the first thing about it, or that it even existed. even if she known to be force sensitive at the time, being such a prevalent force of the universe you'd thing Celestia would mention it at least once.
and while this isn't really a problem with the story, but sunset not even wanting to bring anything with her is a bit weird, and her opting to tell her friends through text is just a major dick move, again not a problem with the story though.
But I'm still having fun reading it, and thus shall continue.
well this chapter might make me drop this story seeing as this version of sunset is an nearly irredeemable ass hat.
I mean you start of by saying that she's not sure about acting as pirates by hitting supply ships and stealing cargo, and that's a big moral gray aria, as if they end up hitting a food shipment meant for innocents then they're evil but if they hit weapon shipments then there not. it's a debatable topic.
What's not a debatable topic is slaves, so the fact that sunset feels she can speak up now and not on the piracy missions makes her seem like she thinks slaves are less important then some supplies, and the fact that her argument is, "But it's illegal's." can fuck right off.
if she went back in time one earth to when slavery was still a big issue world wide she'd say shit like, "Well you can't liberate slaves that's illegal, you just have to ask their owners to not have slaves anymore, that's should do it."
If the mission the were given was another piracy run than her argument would have had some merit but that her first though when being told she could help free some slaves was, "I don't know isn't that illegal?" and not, "Slavery is morally abhorrent and if I can help I will." shows a lot.
Okay, I have to say this. Every time you change speakers, you have to start a new paragraph. This is a hard rule and your failure to follow it makes me almost unable to read the chapter.
Yeah, you really should edit this story and fix that formatting issue Dacl brought up. Break up all those paragraphs and start a new one each time someone new speaks up . It gets really distracting and makes it hard to read, no offence.
Yeah, that was a great story! But you really need to find an editor to help with the little details. Like I brought up before, you aren't formatting the chapters correctly in regards to breaking up the paragraphs. Along side that, you seem to incorrectly italicize a lot of your words when its not needed. If you want, I can help you and be your proof reader/editor if you want to. Just shoot me a DM and I'll respond as soon as I can
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Hello there ! Sorry for the late reply as I was busy with some everyday stuff and just had the time to properly read the comments and reply to them. Many Thanks for the advice regarding the formatting style of the story. As an amateur in writing stories like this, my final version may not be perfect and I'm more than happy to listen to any tips or advice to improve my writing style. in I'm sure to take this into account when typing the sequel to make it more reader friendly.
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Thanks for pointing that out. I think may have gone a bit overboard in italics as I have seen other stories and novel italicising several words and I thought I should follow their style without giving much thought about it. I'll definitely remedy this in the sequel. As for the special relationship phrase, I meant it more as a friendship bond kinda thing and also to dispel any thoughts of them dating. As stated earlier, there is no shipping/romance in this story as I felt it would be distracting to the overall plot.
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I see where you're looking at it from, as Sunset comes from a world of mystical beings. However those are beings which she knows and is familiar with, more or less. Zeko comes from a completely new species which is alien to her and thus, the reaction. This is also her first time meeting with extraterrestrial life so I suppose it would have been natural to react that way although I get your point in the sense, technically, she's also an alien to that world. Ironic. Moving on to your second point, I believe there may have been a misunderstanding. While Celestia is indeed a natural Force-Sensitive Light side user but she doesn't know the Force as we do. Going further, even in established sw canon lore, the Force is known by many names throughout the galaxy. In Equestria, this is somewhat referred to as Equestrian magic which is an aspect of the Force. It's something like Nightsister magic. (Check out the Dathomir nightsisters on wookieepedia to learn more). So when Celestia referred to as the Dark Side, what she meant was the general Dark magic. In other words, it's her understanding of the Force. There's no possible way for Celestia to know about the Force (or at least the name we know) given that Equestria is practically isolated from the greater galaxy.
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Again I see your point with the slaves thing and agree with you to a certain extent. The purpose of this scene is a simple 'raise and dismiss' kinda scenario. Given that Sunset is still new to the galaxy and somewhat naive towards the true colours of the Empire, she doesn't know the horrors that was going on in Kashyyyk. Also, the basis of her point mostly revolved around being that violence is not the Jedi way. Of course after seeing the slave camp on Kashyyyk and the atrocities committed by the Empire would change her mind later on. I had included that scene to showcase Sunset's doubts and to dispel them as quick as possible. As she has not seen worlds under Imperial occupation, Sunset may have been in the view that the Empire is nothing more than an ordinary galactic government and they were the ones being criminals. This a common view shared by some people in the Core Worlds, in which they don't feel the full brunt of the Empire and genuinely believe the Empire's so called vision. However, I do see how it sounds like and I'll make sure not to include such scenes in the future. I do hope that you continue on with the story.
11335795
Hello there, my apologies for replying late as I was busy with everyday stuff and I just found the time to reply. Thanks for the feedback about the paragraph formatting style of my story as you aren't the only one who voiced similar concerns about the formatting. I'll take this into account when writing the second part of the story.
11362057
Hi there, sorry for the late reply as I was busy with other stuff which required my attention. No offence at all, in fact the way I look at it, it part of a learning process and there is always room for improvement. I'm sure to use your feedback in writing the sequel to this story. Other than that, I hope you've enjoyed my story and please feel free to tell me if there's any more areas that I can improve on.
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My offer still stands though, I can be a proof reader/editor if you want the extra hand. I have been an editor before so it wouldn't be my first time. I'm also a pretty big grammar freak and can catch the little things incase they come up. My door is open for you if you'll take it. :)
But if not, I'm glad to hear you're taking what we said to heart! Can't wait for the sequel!
I guess it just the writing.