This story is a sequel to Divine Flight
After the events of “My Little Pony: Make Your Mark,” Maretime Bay has become the center for all pony tribes to mingle and befriend one another. Under the watchful gaze of Sunny Starscout and her friends, Equestria is slowly transitioning back to the unified society it used to be.
But when Zipp starts getting crazy ideas in her head about bringing Wonderbolts back, Sunny vows to make her friend’s dreams a reality no matter the cost. Pouring through every book in the brighthouse that she can find, Sunny and Zipp discover an old history book forgotten by scholars detailing the history of the acclaimed aerial stunt performers. Knowing that there is a group of Wonderbolt fanatics in the local Elementary School, Sunny resolves to get Zipp a job there as the new athletics coach.
As Sunny and Zipp attempt to train the students to become the next iteration of the Wonderbolts in only a week, the fillies may prove to be more difficult to teach than they initially imagined. Nonetheless, Sunny is determined to fulfill her promise to Zipp, proving beyond any doubt that the magic of friendship is still a powerful force in Equestria….
It's a solid story overall and I especially enjoyed the history of the wonerbolts, giving them some needed backstory and why they are gone. However, I do have a few critics if you are interested, but overall good job!
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Of course. I appreciate any feedback. What were the drawbacks and where can I improve going forward?
11299809
Cool, well the first thing that stood out to me was the exposition dump that took up the entire first section of the chapter. An idea I had to help with that is create some banter between Sunny and the other 4 ponies (or however many you want to include) as they reflect on past events. This would allow you to give more depth to the characters and bring out their personalities more as they probably view these events differently.
Second was the random inclusion of Discord by Zipp. It felt out of place and I had to reread the chapter because I thought I missed something. Unless you give more depth to this or if this is a follow on to another story you have written it just confuses the reader.
Third was when Hitch and Sunny were talking about Sprout being locked in jail. I honestly was expecting some more emotions out of these two because they have been friends with him since they were foals and it felt really meh especially from Hitch. An idea I had after reading that would to have Hitch pacing around the station mumbling to himself about is he doing the right thing for Maretime Bay locking up Sprout and thats when Sunny enters. She confronts him about his conflict and saying something like its okay to feel this way because that means youre being a good sheriff let alone a good pony. Here you could also have Sunny say (if you want) that she hasn't lost faith that Sprout will see how wonderful Equestria has become as magic and friendship has been restored and he shouldn't either.
Just a few ideas off the top of my head.
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Thank you for your feedback. I want to clear up the Discord reference. Recently, a MLP G5 comic came out that had Sunny and her friends meet Discord and stuff. He shared with them how the pony tribes became divided and how the crystals were created. That’s why Sunny and Zipp mention him there as this is after those events.
Oh and the Sprout mention is setup for a future story in which she finally sees him. I was originally going to put it as a bonus chapter, but decided not to last minute in order to save it. I can see why the exposition dump can seem problematic. I just wanted to unfold it like an epic story being told. Just imagine a book flashback taking place if this story was an episode. That was the idea I had going. Just wanted to clear those up. Once again, thanks for your feedback and ideas.
Be careful Sunny, things can go wrong very fast.
- MLP Gen 5
- Romance
- Drama
Zipp is forced to wear itchy, uncomfortable, clingy, entrapping, dumb fabric.AI Review: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/217075/ai-reviews/thread/522084/sunnys-promise-by-admiral-producer65-10
1: Love the Mulan reference, very creative (and somehow I read it in Zipp’s voice).
2: Just a minor comedic suggestion, but at the end, it would’ve been funny if you would’ve put a reference to the “Hitch Taking Sunny’s Money” because I’m still curious if Sunny beat up Hitch for doing that LOL