In Twilight's Mind
I waved goodbye to my friends, ignoring how odd things had become. Their thoughts were constantly echoing in my mind, and I needed to figure out why.
"Spike?"
"Oh, hey Twi. Didn't realize you were back," he said nervously, his hands behind his back.
"Spike?"
"Uh, yeah Twilight?"
"What's behind your back?"
"Uh... no... thing..." he said, moving backwards awkwardly. Sighing, I magically lifted him up, turning him around.
"Spike! I told you no video games in the evenings!"
"I know Twilight! I'm sorry!" he exclaimed, wriggling out of my grasp. "I needed to beat Captain Destructer!" Captain Destructer? I pondered to myself, only to have a brash voice interrupt my thoughts.
Yeah! He's, like, the coolest pony ever! He's all pow-pow-pow, then bang-bang-bang! she mentally exclaimed, and I could imagine her gesturing wildly around.
Thanks, Dash, I thought sarcastically, then turned to Spike.
"Uh, Twilight? Why were you doing that weird thing you do when you eat brownies?"
"What weird thing— never mind. I need everything we have under Elements of Harmony, Friendship, Telepathy, and... that's all for now. Quickly!" I added, and he ran off. Settling into a hard-backed chair and magically dragging my desk towards me, I prepared for a long night of studying. Spike ran in, carrying a stack of books easily twice as tall as him, and I magically lifted them as well, setting them in a neat stack aside my desk. He ran back out, then carried in a second stack, slightly shorter than the first. This was definitely a long night of studying.
-
"What am I doing wrong?" I yelled across the library, startling Spike from his nap. "I've checked every book here twice, and all I can find is that most users of the Elements end up becoming 'especially close,' that telepathy is 'scientifically and magically impossible,' and that 'friendship is magic!' What am I doing wrong?" she asked again, slumping to her desk.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but Twilight?
Yeah Fluttershy?
What are you trying to find out about?
Why I'm stealing your colors and why we can hear each others minds.
Did you check books on hearing each others minds and losing colors?
Why would there be a book like that?
I saw it the other day... I'm sorry, I didn't want to startle you. Oops, I'm sorry, I'm trying to not apologize as much. Oops again! I'm so sorry, Fluttershy continued, and I sighed.
Stop. It's not your fault. Now, I'm going to look for that book, I said, then trotted as well as my half-asleep hooves could carry me. Searching through the shelves rapidly, I finally found the book.
"The 'Why Can I Read my Friends' Minds?' Manual, with Special Tips from 'Why Are my Friends Losing Their Colors?'" I finished the painfully long title, staring at the small image at the bottom of the book. Who knew? Carrying it back to my chair, I settled in for some educational reading aloud.
"If you can read your friends' minds, you don't need to panic! In fact, there's a good chance it has some subconscious important meaning. Some things that may be causing this include: Fatigue, Insanity, Them Being Imaginary Friends, or as suggested by 'Why Are my Friends Losing Their Colors?', because they are actually a part of you that you created. All of these are equally possible, however, if you believe it to be the second, please ask Spike the local mailmare to contact the hospital immediately. If it is the first option, we suggest taking the weekend off for some solid sleep. If it is the second two options, you need to remember. I need to remember," I puzzled, sticking a slip of paper in the book.
"Twilight?" interrupted a bleary-eyed Spike. "We're out of hot sauce," he said, then collapsed to the ground.
"You silly drake. Time for bed," I cooed, lifting him to my bedroom. More studying could be done tomorrow.
~*~
Celestia looked on with concern as her student seemed to cringe. Curling up into the small bed she had requested for the room, she settled in and shut her eyes, ignoring memories that seemed to rise from the couch itself.
~*~
"Doctor, will she ever be okay?" asked Twilight Velvet, wiping a tear from her eye.
"It's difficult to tell, ma'am. But don't waste your time here. You need to move on," he said, his tone carrying a heavy 'if you know what I mean' sense to it.
"Are you certain? There has to be something you damn doctors can do!" yelled Shining Armor, his voice rising with each word.
"Son..."
"No, dad. Not this time. These bucking doctors can fix her; they can fix anypony!" he exclaimed, stomping his young hoof against the hard floor with a resounding crack.
"Shiny, now is not the time. You can wait in the hall if you keep it up," warned his mother. "And watch that language," she added, this time less serious and more wearily. "My apologies, Princess," she said, and Celestia nodded.
"I can understand," she said calmly, smoothly. That was what ponies wanted from her as their ruler. Calm, cool, and collected.
After that, Twilight's family stopped coming. As if the doctor's words had been a warning to back off eternally. And those foals of parents complied.
~*~
Celestia shuddered at the memory. They still haunted her, and had for five long, brutal years. Years of suffering, pain, and remembrance. Years of resisting the temptation to break down Twilight's family's door and scream at them for not taking care of their daughter. Yell at Shining Armor for becoming a weapon maker, when he could be a fantastic guard. At least he helped the guard. Shaking her head, she grunted. Looking down at the inviting pillow below her, she settled into a light, fitful sleep.
~*~
I wasn't sleeping any better. Rolling over for the hundredth time that night, I finally scowled and got out of bed. If I couldn't sleep, I wasn't going to. Silently slipping down the stairs, I lit a small candle and began to read more of the book. After a few attempts to start, I couldn't, and I began to think.
Why does imaginary friends strike such a chord in me? My friends are real; them being made up is scientifically and magically impossible! The only imaginary friend I've ever had was... me. When I first came to Ponyville, I'd see myself in a different world. I think I even saw Fluttershy as an entomologist. But that was so long ago. Five years ago, almost.
I was thankful the others were asleep, otherwise they begin to have some strange thoughts concerning my mental health, and I knew that it was perfectly sound. Maybe.
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Hello everypony! Enjoy the second chapter, and feel free to flame, shred, laugh, eat, love, or hate this chapter. Constructive criticism is welcome, but if you are simply going to post "haha dis chap sux" then expect your post to be deleted. I don't go turning posts into stone.
cool
My only probelm with it? Too short.
I'm glad to see this finally update again, been looking forward to it.
Circular logic is one of the many reasons some people never come out of comas, and what makes something like this story so interesting/nail-biting good.
This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than what was before. Keep this up, and I think you may even hit the #1 spot in the feature box!
1316314
Hmm... Still an interesting concept, but you rely a lot on telling for characterization - especially adverbs. On that note, there are a lot of progressive actions that are threatening to make this feel like a present tense work.
At a higher level, you might want to brush up on mental illnesses. For an example, breakdowns are much more gradual - give a longer history of torment, slow descent into madness. Looking into treatment would be interesting, especially CBT. Instead of Twilight reading a book about potential imaginary friends, have it as introspective insight.
Another note is that consciousness isn't unified or neatly divided even in healthy people - you don't have an id, ego and superego with nice, defined boundaries, you have millions of neuron clusters fighting for control in a way that somehow manages to resemble a single entity.
Why do I have the feeling that Twilight will either choose to wake up and deal with what she knew was fake or choose to remain in the coma with her friends which would lead to her death...... LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS
Either that is a reference to another story or I'm in a coma.
1316389
Shoot me. I'm stupid. Can I ask you a few questions?
Explain 'introspective insight'.
CBT?
Oh, and there was a faaaar longer history of torment that you'll slowly see. This was most certainly not the first, it was just the breaking point. For me, I deal with a lot of sh*t, and I can take some hard stuff, but when a little thing hits, I burst into tears. Yes, I am a thirteen year old girl.
1316374 Feedback Loop?
1316409
Hmm...
arch.413chan.net/1288859782062.jpg
1316388 Wrong-o! Feature box does not accept the same fic twice unless it's an update, which it will then be on one of the last three feature bullets.
1316423
Similar to it, but to the point where the mind has created its own reality that it considers 'infallible.'
1316446
When I first published my story it was seventh, but after I took down chapter one and republished it (rewritten) it took first.
1316415
Well... I'm not a professional, but I'll try my best to explain.
CBT, introspective insight, mindfulness and a bunch of other terms all encompass a general concept of enhanced self-awareness.
For an example, CBT focuses on detecting negative thoughts or abnormal behaviors, and instead of suppressing them, reframes them in a positive light. Mindfulness considers thoughts in general to be illusions(separate from consciousness) and encourages watching them, not ignoring or encouraging them.
So in the coma, instead of clear cut mind blending, perhaps have voices of the other Elements seeping at the edge Twilight's consciousnesses and then gain more and more power(Twilight will consider them normal) and at some point(unless you want SAD ENDING) have her notice oddities with them.
After all, even mentally healthy folks think of odd things and yet still consider their minds to be a singular entity(ever stared at a cliff and thought about what it would be like to jump even though the rest of your brain knows that would be dumb).
Heck, you can even look at some of the more interesting approaches - I remember a case studies where a schizophrenic stopped suppressing the voices and negotiated with them(all though that required a lot of mental effort) and/or recognized them as an exaggerated part of their consciousness.
1316478 Because it was still published within the 12 hours. The stats will put it right back up there if you republish it with in the time limit. Do you notice no old stories up there? I've studied the box with observant eyes, and know what I'm talking about. The feature box will not accept an old story. It needs good reviews by the end of the 12 hours to be featured. If you do what you did, It will go right back up there, but this is the ONLY exception.
I would recommend using 'levitated' or something along those lines as a replacement for the 'magically lifted' you have written in here. It works well enough, but there's a repetitive and awkward feel to the paragraph when that phrase follow 'magically dragged the desk' so closely. Just a mild suggestion from a flow standpoint, you don't have to listen to it. The neglectful parents and destructive Shining Armor are a great touch. The way you introduced them as a plot point went over well, and it was a great benchmark to go off.
Hmm.... not sure what to make of this chapter. Lots of great explanations. Loved the 'not so hidden' hints that (as far as i'm concerned) Twilight's subconscious gave her. My only problem with this story is each chapter isn't LONGER. It's not your problem about the story, it's mine. I'm just selfish because i want moar.
Pic related, it's how i feel.
i16.photobucket.com/albums/b15/ultra1437/Memes/caption_moar.jpg
1316389
hmm, judging from your Comment, I take it you have some Experience with Psychology and Mental Health?
Thanks a lot you guys. Hugs for everyone!
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Everything seems a little disjointed. The events to really follow each other and everything is slightly confusing a weird. The dialog seems a bit off in some places as well. I recommend a possible rewrite and proofread.
You had the same problems with your first chapter, yet after the rewrite things got better.
1316436 Seriously? "The Several Origins of Scootaloo"?
Naaah, I'm kidding
Great story! Keep it up!
1316654 don't touch me 'shudders'
there could be something good to this.....I am tempted to say I may have preferred the original.......lets see where it goes
1316654
Oh Please dear Celestia Don't Eat Me!
and a question ...
Did Twily use her magic and put herself in coma-world (a choice, a bad one but a choice) or was it something that she kinda slipped into after a particularly bad day of adolescent torture?
Armor as a Munitions Manufacturer? Sounds Legit.
Yay an update.
I have 3 scores I give people if I like their story first a derpy second scoots and third spike.I give you a derpy
haha dis chap sux...im sorry i couldnt help myself :p
This has the possibilty to go somewhere good, but I find the concept more compelling than the execution. I'm not un-following yet, but so far I feel no suspence for the characters.
Woah. This is actually getting pretty good. No as much is happening, you are taking it a lot slower(even with short chapters) and you are taking the characters into account more.
Now a quick suggestion: instead of posting 1000+ word stories three times a week, why not try posting 3000+ word stories once a week? It will have several effects: the deadlines won't feel as bad(if you miss a day of writing you can make up for it the next day), you'll have longer with each piece for self-editing and proofreading(always a bonus) and, honestly, people seem to like longer chapters than they like rapid-fire updates(they tend to be higher quality, whether or not that is the actual case, and it makes the audience want to see each installment more and more).
1316409>>1316436
I'm fairly sure it's a reference to the Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo, correct?
I really want Twilight to come out of the Coma! It would be really cool!
Please don't hurt my Twilight
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I know you probably hear this a lot, but...
MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR
GIVE MEH MOAR
THIS IS NOT ENOUGH!!!
lovgir7.deviantart.com/art/BEHOLD-THE-POWER-OF-MY-CAPS-LOCK-278216341
1317935
Haha True Dat.
This story gets more and more interesting.
THe whole idea of Twilight being a mentally damaged pony and everything in the actual show only happened in her head... fantastic!
Bravo, sir, you deserve a medal!
this awesome keep it up.
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Poor twilight
Not really my cup of tea.
"your local mailmare" hah. I enjoyed this chapter too. well done.
1303991SHE'S STARING DEEP INTO MY SOUL!
This chapter was great. Not only the story, but I love your wrighting style. The seamless cuts from third-person to first-person perspectives are great. A lot of people who try to do that usually fail at it.
1317667
correct
This story update, I was all like...
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3637-1330097145371495.gif
I do like this, but the chapters are a little short for my taste. Still, you've got my attention!
Nicely done. May I ask how long you plan to make this? out of curiosity.
For heaven's sake.
Never ask 'is this enough words? you say you want more words- how many more words should I put, to turn this from great into exceptional?'
You don't get it.
It's about WHICH words.
When your very first sentence is this...
Goodbye is a single word, hon. And Twilight is going TO school, not from it. Her mentor is Princess Celestia. I think you might mean her 'mother'? Except she's in a dorm. Does Princess Celestia stay with her in her dorm room? Who on earth is she waving to? And it's a 'wan smile', and why are the bully ponies shuffling? It's Twilight who would be shuffling, for them to shuffle would imply they're moping and sad, and they're clearly not.
You have some difficult decisions to make, because you could go two ways here. One possible choice for you is to read real books, observe people, build some life into your imaginings until you're controlling what you do properly. Grow, reach a state where you reply, "No, you may not have more words because I need THESE words. I worked on these words, I got them the way I wanted them. I meant this."
The other choice is to develop better skill at quickly throwing together things like a mashup of My Little Pony and the ending conceit of St. Elsewhere (also the Buffy episode, "Normal Again") with a theme designed to grab the feelings of young kids, namely a tragic heroine driven to create something wonderful as an escape from bullying and cruelty.
You have not written a wonderful story, or an original idea. What you've done is reached out and resonated with the experience of wonderful people (ponies, if you like) and when they praise you they are sending a message. When they say 'your story is wonderful, my heart went out, I cried etc etc' they are saying "I am okay- I am worthy of love too."
And they are. They are worthy of love- and so are you, and it's a fine thing that you're helping people connect with their feelings.
It's just that, as soon as you want to go one step beyond the most basic level, the 'sympathetic vibration' when you have FEELS and your audience has FEELS and so you have feels together and feel your basic emotions... as soon as you want to DO something with that or take it somewhere or tell a story that is a story, not just FEELS that work about the same whichever version of the story you pick... well, that's when you have to be able to craft words, to become aware of what your reader knows, to have a sense of where they're at, sometimes to plant the seeds of ideas in their heads like a mystery writer so that a later reveal will strike them as a true revelation of something that should have been obvious all along.
When your words paint such a weak picture of the story, readers only HAVE 'feels' to go on- and when they beg for more words, what they're really begging for is the RIGHT words. They can also be begging for some common sense- some explanation why bullies are shuffling, why Twilight is waving goodbye to a 'mentor' though she lives in a dorm room. They could be tripping over the way the story just doesn't add up to anything coherent. You'll have to develop a clearer sense of the story you're telling, to give them that. Good luck, if that's what you want to do.
Thank you, and yes, I did mean mentor. She stays at Celestia's School, as close as my headcanon believes it is to her castle, and she is taught by Celestia.
Longer chapters in the future!
This story is a trip, kinda scary how whatever your brain says is reality IS reality.