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Herding was not common in Equestria, so Rainbow Dash was understandably surprised when she is invited to join a herd with her closest friends completely out of the blue. She did love her friends, but why does it feel like what she wants and what they want are two very different things.
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Nice start. Not sure why I looked at this, but it gels for me (ace/aro/age). I've had plenty of situations just like these, probably the most affirming was being best man (ha) at a bucks' party and finding my drink more interesting than the strippers.
Keep up the great writing!
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I hope it does gel with you, as that was exactly what I was going for.
I like the start of this and it’s really cool seeing this perspective. I haven’t seen a ton of stories like it before, and I can’t wait to see where you go with this. Great work so far, keep doing what you’re doing!
Hm
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So when is the next chapter going to be out?
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Hopefully within a week, I'm currently trying to work out a section, a few chapters in, that might affect the second chapter. Normally I write most of the story and post them as I finish a final edit pass, but this time I'm kind of pushing my luck and posting it all much earlier than I should.
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It's a different perspective to be sure. It's a bit harder to write than I planned as I needed to have Dash's view not fully match the reader's view without actually saying that.
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Hmm
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I think you did a really fantastic job with that. I consider myself ace-leaning and there was definitely some relatability to a degree, but it still felt like a fresh perspective and a very good one at that. Great work so far!
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Ah okay got it and no worry’s
You don't need both of those.
When using a "dialogue tag" like that, you use a comma, question mark, exclamation mark, ellipsis, or em dash to end the quote, but never a period. Also, an extra space before the final quote.
Conversely, with an action tag, you don't use a comma.
Missing some end-of-sentence punctuation here (probably a period).
This is a slightly more odd case of punctuation. You're interrupting a dialogue at a juncture with an action tag. There are several ways to handle it, and the most correct would be to change the comma to a period. You could, however, employ an em dash break in the flow if she literally pauses talking to frown.
Should be "that"
Should be a period here, since it is leading to a new sentence in the following dialogue.
These are action tags. See bit above about handling those.
Need a comma in there.
Lowercase S.
Whew! Really loving this. By the sound of Rainbow, she's both ace and aro, which is a tough combo for others to get their head around. On the plus side, it's not incompatible with a polyam relationship. Looking forward to more, and I hope you take the above notes in the spirit of trying to help clarify some of the more complex parts of English punctuation.
Looking forward to more!
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Thanks for the feedback. I've updated it where I could. I really should try and find a pre-reader for this.
That's a big part of what this is all about, understanding yourself. Though the story likely isn't going to have any of the characters actually use any of those labels.
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For sure. I find labels tend to get in the way of good storytelling, particularly when the characters themselves not only wouldn't but shouldn't know about them. The asexual spectrum, too, has many nooks and crannies that even our society doesn't have good terms for.
Best of luck with the next chapter, I'm eagerly awaiting it!
Oof, poor Rainbow. I do like the topic being explored. I really like the hay burger thing going on, it's a really nice reflection on how Rainbow is feeling like a child because she just isn't in to anyone. I just hope this ends pleasantly for her, somehow.
um... twilight, you do reliaze that its because your brother was captian of the royal guards right? Plus you were a student of celestia so of coruse she would have.
I feel like I can somehow relate to her somehow.
I'm liking this story so far, you have some really good characterization and I can't wait to see where you take the story next. Keep it up!
Applejack isn't wrong, but I also don't see this ending well. I still hope it does, in a way I can't yet see.
Good luck, Rainbow. Feelings are hard.
If it weren’t for the drinking this would be like looking in a mirror.
I can count myself as lucky that while I never had interest in anyone, no one attempted to pursue me in any meaningful way. Also I had already established that I was a bit off from others so while it was surprising to realize I was on the Ace spectrum, it didn’t really cause me much frustration before or after the realization.
Honestly kind of surprised Twi didn’t account for varying sexualities of the others in one list or another.
Ooof. That didn't go badly, but yet it went...badly. Poor RD.
If something had gone wrong, she probably could have blamed that for the ruined evening or something, but here...oof. I'm scared to see more and yet also can't wait.
Great chapter!
I get the feeling this is going to end with a lot of yelling, at best.
where evreone ?
Dash being either hideously gormless or asexual is a great view.
Yeah no don’t get your hopes up
Yeah she is going to regret signing that paper
Poor Dash. Having a cool book series be ruined as time goes on... I see what you're doing with that metaphor, too.
Also the date. It's interesting to see how long these ponies can go on not really noticing what's up with Dash.
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For sure. I can't wait to find out what's on it...
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Same
You see this is why you read the contact and fine print before signing it.
Also doesn’t feel like she is having a group mentality where she is being forced to sign it
Noice
The nice slice-of-life of a wonderbolt, the banter and issues and confusion...this was a really great chapter.
For a second I was wondering if Soarin and Spitfire were about to ask RD to join them to make a herd...
Oh dear. So there was more to this. Still, this conversation with Fleetfoot better then I was expecting.
As always, great chapter!
+
Everyone wants the D, and the D just does not care.
It seems that Rainbow doesn't want to date anyone,stallion or mare.
Oof, already designing wedding dresses? You say it ain't a race Rarity, but wow you're moving pretty fast.
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Being captain of a Royal guard is not merit of noble title, of any Knight itself is a tiyle but not one that grants nobility.
Although that is just a concept that one can use on their own stories... After all, they are called nobles but yet there is no ranking at all among them
why does Rainbow Dash care that they are not equal on paper?
I rather expected from her something like:
"""oh, so should I call you Mistress? "and the incessant laughter behind it.
I’m not ace at all, but I have felt dash’s awkwardness when people just won’t stop talking about the hot girls within sight. Especially the one married dude. He’s constantly pointing out and exclaiming over T&A. And it’s just, the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So bravo. You tapped into that quite well.
I am fortunately old and ugly, so don’t have to put up with being hit on constantly. Poor Dash.
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because she is not thinking like that in this story.
in this story she does not have any interest or even understanding of intimacy, especially of the physical kind.
and yes, having in writing that she is inferior would be something that would not sit well with her either.
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and how does that make her worry?
Ouch. The haystrips...the true tragedy here.
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Probably because she signed a legal document which could have very nebulous interpretations and enforcement. Is her friendship/affection now law? Could someone claim she's breaking a law if she gets into an argument with Twilight? Force Twilight into a position where she either arrests Rainbow, or is seen as unjust and allowing ponies she likes to break laws?
There's a lot of scary possibilities here, even if one assumes Twilight is a good actor.
Also, it's kind of just insulting to be the "lesser" in a relationship, even if its just on paper.
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of all of them, it is iskorka who is able to provide for all such small moments that he clearly provided for.
She's really better than you. You have no right to be angry
Well...at least if Rainbow has to go through with all this, she's going through it all with the right ponies. But that might not be enough...
Great chapter! I'm stuck between rooting for Rainbow to explore what she's comfortable with and feeling bad she's clearly forcing herself into it, and I love that difficult feeling.
Ah, tired Twilight, jumping to conclusions...that's probably going to happen again.
Great chapter.
appreciate your emotionally intelligent pinkie
“she just is overworking herself again”
‘she is just’
“A few bites later Rainbow Dash”
There should be a comma after the instance of the word “later”.
“that Pinkie Pie probably made things that weren’t care”
‘cake’
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I was definitely picturing the less flanderised Pinkie Pie from the earlier seasons.
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I've updated it, though I left the speech one as it was meant to emulate that way of talking.
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Tired Twi is a fun
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A Pinkie Pie with self-control is always a joy to read.
the textbook says that I am a human . I can define myself differently, but will it be true?
👏👏👏 one of the best new stories I’ve read here. Thank you for this!