• Member Since 17th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 33 minutes ago

Jacoboby1


T

Almost a decade before Littlepip left Stable 2 a different set of heroes was fighting in the area around Dodge Junction. Calling themselves The Wanderers this mercenary group is dedicated to protecting the ponies of Dodge. Led by the capable Drift, the group comes across a strange discovery. A young mare with a pipbuck claiming to be in search of her brother stumbles into their lives. But it appears that somepony else is after the mare, it's up to the wanderers to protect their new-found friend from the evil of the wasteland. But as the dangers continue, will Drift be able to protect his group from the horrors of the wasteland? Or will the group become those very same horrors?

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 33 )

ok dude, I sort of liked the story but it raised a few points i have to address. some of your descriptions feel a little rushed and some don't give enough details. There's a few parts that makes your main oc feel like a human rather than a unicorn.
now im not getting down on you or anything as i think its a decent entree into the FoE herd but you need to get a proofreader to look it over for you.
also ignore the random downvotes, theres a few idiots who go around downvoting every single FoE story as its 'overused ideas', bit of a derp in my opinion as every idea is overused if you think about it lol.
so in short, its a decent idea dude but you need to get a proofreader to give it a once over for you. Dont stop writing though :pinkiehappy:

1291491Everypony keeps telling me to look for a proofreader but I have yet to find one willing to come and do it

1291961 i think theres a few groups that edit and proofread or theres always chat.
come in and chat and you might find somepony willing to take a look for you:pinkiehappy:

1292042Hey thanks man, this was really an experiment to see what I could do with the setting. I think I might reupload this chapter after some heavy editing

1292046
Is the edits done? Because it would be a little bit wasteful to review a chapter that are going to be re-worked later on and point out things that are already planned to be looked at again

1793097The edits for both chapters are done they are currently fixed so you can check it out

REVIEW TIME!

The first thing that spring into my mind is that Drift is using a sniper rifle with so much power that it can explode heads with just his magic. Because telekinesis is not known for being good friends with recoil. I could buy it if he used magic to set it up, but the ground to support it, but that is just a minor detail. He could also be rather good with his magic and I am overreacting on a really small thing, you chose. By the way is it rather nice to see a sniper that uses a single shot sniper rifle. It is always nice to see some new weapons instead of the same ones just with different colours, and especially nice to see that he use something that ain´t fully working

The only really bad thing I can point at is that you have a plothole. You say that Alice is free of the hivemind, but she does still act like she is under it, talking in we and what not. It could be because she had many different pieces of souls and memories in her, but that are not what I wanted to point out. You say that the story are about a decade before LilPips adventures, but the freeing of the alicorns was something that LilPip did. So a plothole, but not a big one. I am sure that there is a explanation somewhere, but I would just like that we got it rather quickly so we could patch that hole up

Beside The Last Sentinel are your story the first one I have seen that use magical vehicles, and you are the first one that makes a truck. I would really really like if there was some more details about it, because when you introduce a new thing like that to the wasteland are there always a lot of questions that the reader haves, or maybe some disbelief. And right now do I just see a human truck with some magic under the hood, and I do not think that that was what you aimed for. And now that we are at the truck. I saw that you mentioned gasoline in your story, and I think that that was a mistake. Because gasoline does not exist in Fo:E, or not that I know of. They had coal and lived in a steam punk world, using coal to make power, and gems and magic for all the other coll stuff that we know and love. But never have oil or gasoline been mentioned in Fo:E, or if it had must it have slipped under my radar.

One thing I find a little bit fun that you capitalize the races in your story, but not all of them, are talking about your "earth pony". It is actually something I have seen a pair of times before in other stories. But would like to ask why you do it? Because it ain´t names, it are races, so you do not need to write them with capital letters

It is a little to early for me to talk about the characters, but like the story so far. We learned a lot, and saw some action, and all that in 3K words, just the right length for a read when you travel with bus or trains. So looking good. A vote up and a favorite so I can see where this is going

"She specialized in close quarters combat and probably stood the best chance of fighting a hellhound up close."

Nitpicks:
Remember to use a space after your ellipses, and with a little fast Crtl+F search can you quickly kill the 3 double spaces that are in your story.

"Burstfire always had a streak of cruelty that came from living in this hell on Equestria." While this isn´t technically wrong do I not think that the planet is called Equestria, as far as I remember is it called Eques or something like that, named by the fans as so many other things.

"We get in there and save Burstfire’s ass!” Ass is a human term, I think that you should use flank here.

" I no longer worried about stealth now that the raider desired to turn me into a target dummy. . " Could use a little bit of rewording, and there is a phantom period here also that I think you want to kill.

"I opened my mouth and I sang a tune:" This line should not be in italic

"you have that spare stimpack?” I think you meant healing potion :derpytongue2: but it is a honest mistake that all could do

"Are we truly the monster?" I would capitalize the w in we, she is talking pluralis maiestatis there, but can´t remember if that is right or just something I would want to have there :facehoof:

"But at least it got him off his high horse for a moment." I do not think that there would be a saying like this in Equestria.

"A cutie mark of an explosion showed his prowess with explosives" I think that it is a little redundant to point out that he is good with explosives, when he have a cutie mark that are one.

"No wonder we can never have a good drink back at Dodge” Cold use some rewording.

"Rosy nodded and drew from her saddlebags a pair of knuckles" To use knuckles would you need to have some knuckles to put them on. I would instead say that she strapped some combat horseshoes on or something, same thing really, but just for our magical ponies.

"I walked to the cage and slowly used my magic to move the curtain aside." Why did he move so close to a cage that have something unknown in it? It is relative known that unicorns can use telekinesis at some distance when it is just light objects they move, and a cover is rather light.

1798656The parts with Alice I'd like to point out is that while she has broken free from the hive mind she's still not used to it. That's why she speaks in we and refers to the others as her herd. How she became free will be explained in the story. As for the capitalizing, it's some kind of weird thing with word that makes me have to capitalize races. The nitpicks you pointed out are simply errors that snuck under the radar and I'm still trying to learn some of the terminology in this universe. The reason that the sniper rifle explodes heads is not Drift's magical prowess but the fact that most single shot sniper rifles were highpowered and deadly. As for whether gas exists in FOE, that was just me taking liberties with the setting. I just figured some things like magical vehicles and gas would be available years before the main story arc.

Those are just addressing some criticisms you have in the story. I'm still learning all of the intricacies of this sight so expect some errors from me.

1798724
No problem dude. We are all learning new stuff about Fo:E and writing all the time, so don´t see it as a attack, more a helpful pointer to where you need a little bit more work. None are perfect after all, and this is just feedback. I sure hope that you saw my criticism as constructive, because that is what I aim after being. We all start a place and gets better by the way. Hell I am just a pre-reader/editor, I can´t even write a full chapter on my own. So again, not a attack, but a review meant for being helpful.

1798742I understand, I'm just explaining why certain things are the way they are. I'm not seeing this as an attack.

Found some time... what kind of time? REVIEW TIME!

Oh Alice, thou are an amazing alicorn, so literal and funny, thou amuse Us with thou way to think and act. We are pleased with the way she is written.

I don´t really know what to say about the way that you use virecels in your story. I love the new look on the world with them, all those extra things now worth salvaging and all the life they bring with them. And how they can act as mobile firing platforms, but cars as such does not have a home in Fo:E in my head canon. I would really love to see you describe the cars in other ways so they don´t look as such when we read about them, because that are the biggest flaw I can see right now with the story.

And by the way, did Drift not forget his rusty sniper rifle on the hill or did he get that while being of stage? Because if I remember correctly did he leave it on the hill after it jammed on him. But that is a minor detail, it would just be sad to leave it on the hill. And now that we are talking weapons, why was there not a clip in the back up assault riffle they had in their car? Because I can not see the benefit of having an unloaded weapon as back up.

A little last note. I find the ending rather hard to digest. We have a stable pony that get kidnapped by raiders, and knocked out in some way. And when she wakes up in a alien where she does not know anyone at all does she just say her name and her quest like that? If I was in her place would I have thought that I was sold or anything just as bad as that. But then again, what does she know about the out side world? And maybe change her name, because it is more or less a dead give away to what she are, when we also can see the tags under the story and know what her mane means :pinkiegasp:

Beside that a good chapter where a lot happened and we learned yet some more about our little ponies, and a slow and steady pace instead of force feeding them to us :pinkiehappy:

Nitpicks:
I can see that you use ass many places, and while I have no personal problem with that word does others use the pony term flank instead

"Rosy rolled her gold eyes and gestured to the inside of the cage" I think you want golden here instead

"You drinking Brahmin piss or something?" Are there not missing a are in the sentience to make it a question?

"The roof was gone long ago so the Alicorn could fit in it" I think that you want had instead of was here

1863359Thing about Crystalight is that A. She is not a crystal pony if that's what you are thinking. B. She is this naive and easily trusting to others, simply on the fact she comes from a vault where ponies are pretty close knit. I don't see a real reason to change her name to be honest, I like her name and I plan to keep it.

1863417
About that name part, sorry for that. It was me that miss read it :derpytongue2:

i have been looking for the original Fallout: Equestria storyline but as yet have been unable to find it...help a dragon out?

2195508Here is a link to an e reader that has the original story. You can also look it up on EQD

2195653well, finally finished Fallout: Equestria about two hours ago...that is one long, but at times very funny, story!

2220952I couldn't finish reading it in the end. It's one of those stories where you have to pace yourself. You can't speed read it to fully dive into the story. But I'll never forget it, the amazing experience that Kkat put me through. She (I call her a she just because Littlepip is a she) created a universe out of two very different franchises. I hope to do the same some day with my own stories. But I have a long way to go before I can even hold a candle to her.

2220999how far did u get? i might have finished the story, but it wasnt in one day! ive been reading it in spurts since u gave me the link...

2221028I left off I think with Littlepip escaping from the island. The whole thing with the memory orbs just confused the hell out of me so I stopped reading after that. I just never got the chance to read it the whole way through, since I learned how it ended.

2221070yeah, the memory orbs were kinda bad, but they do make sense if u read close enough...

2221070oh, something u might want to consider...since u didnt get to the end of the story, i guess i can say 'spoiler alert' about this, but Stable 2 had no descendants of Twilight Sparkle living there. Littlepip is in reality descended from the Apple family, possibly even directly from Applejack herself. most of the original population of the Stable were members of the extended Apple bloodline. Velvet Remedy is also an Apple, but shes more directly descended from the Stables first Overmare, Sweetie Belle. by the time they returned to Stable 2, the population was facing a rather important crisis that nopony even knew about, inbreeding. after six generations, everypony in Stable 2 has some Apple blood, maybe four more and they would most likely all die out. Velvet didnt give the Overmare any choice, they all had to leave the Stable and get new bloodlines started...

2223735I was going to explain in the Noirverse which connects to the Falloutverse at least as a hypothetical this could happen scenario. That in this story Twinkle was taken to Stable 2 when the megaspells came down. Her identity was obscured because Private in this universe became a fugitive. He wanted to expose the true activities of the different ministries and as a result he almost got caught. This caused him to hide his family and he called in favors to hide his children. Applejack took Twinkle to Stable 2 to hide her, and Private's other children were hidden also. Where they went is going to be a closely guarded secret in this story.

2223804ok, that sort of sounds like u just trying to save ur flank...but all go along with it...

2224044It does seem odd, but I knew about the whole situation at Stable 2. I still have a lot to learn about the setting, which is why you won't see this one get updated often. There are others who just know more about it then I do.

2224186fair enough, i suppose it was just me looking too deeply into my available data...

2224213Yeah, some days I wish I had a fact checker or an expert to consult. But I'm left to the wiki and my own reading of the series to help.

2224213I looked back at the original timeline for this story and decided to change exactly what went down in the past. Littlepip being Private's descendent will be explained in a much better fashion. Also, this is what orignally happened in Noir's timeline without the influence of others. You'll find out exactly what event originally happened to cause this.

good to see this getting an update...

2708358I've been so busy with Noir my other stories just never got updated.

2708362 yes, u announced previously that all ur attention was going to be on Noir for a while and that ur other stories would be left behind as a result...

Alice are awesome! Dialogs are fun! I like it. :twilightsheepish:
Only mare in their merc party is lesbian?:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: Damn, FiMfiction I am tired of this.:facehoof: Why nobody could say something like "well, good luck to have foal in your life Rosy"
Good story, keep it up. :twilightsmile:
Too many tags. You can remove at least 'tragedy'. This tag not worth it.

Did you decide to stop writing this story? If so, then why?

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