Plant food
Starlight patted the mound of fresh dirt with a shovel.
Trixie removed her wizard hat and held it to her chest. Maud and Mudbriar bowed their heads.
Trixie levitated out her pocket watch and checked the time. Starlight wondered how the shovel would feel, swung up against Trixie's plant-murdering skull.
"We commit this loyal companion, Phyllis, to the earth. Although her life was cut short—" Starlight glared at Trixie "—we will always remember her."
"Technically," Mudbriar said, "a philodendron isn't male or female and you should refer to Phyllis as 'they/them'."
Starlight walked through Ponyville farmer's market. Lily Valley waved at her and Starlight walked over.
"Miss Glimmer, how are you?"
"Honestly? Depressed."
"I'm... uh..."
"My philodendron got murdered, I need a new one."
"Murdered? The horror, the horror!"
"You have any?"
"No... no... hey, Rose!"
Roseluck emerged from the back of their stand. "Hmmm?"
"Miss Starlight needs a potted plant."
"All I've got is that thing Zecora left with us after Luna's solar eclipse."
Starlight raised an eyebrow. "Zecora? Okay. How much?"
"Free," said Daisy, carrying a terra cotta pot under her foreleg as she, too, emerged from the back. The other two nodded.
The plant was little more than a green shoot, half the height of her horn, and looked like a venus flytrap. Starlight asked, "Why is it free?"
Phyllis II looked bad. Despite being near a window with plenty of sunlight, despite Starlight giving it plenty of water and fertilizer, despite Starlight calling in earth ponies for extended counseling sessions to get their magic near the plant, she still seemed to be withering and drying up.
Trixie barged into her office. "Trixie requires Starlight's first aid kit."
Looking up, Starlight saw that Trixie's nose was bleeding. "What happened to you?"
"Trixie caught a frisbee with her face while coaching gym class." Her magic yanked open a drawer and removed a first aid kit. She wiped and dabbed her nose with gauze for a minute, dropped the bloody rags onto Starlight's countertop, and then turned out the door. "Your plant is looking better."
Starlight looked down. Phyllis II was, indeed, looking perked up. That was strange.
Standing, she trotted across the office to the mess Trixie had left behind before levitating the mess of bloody gauze towards the trashcan.
A small mewl sounded.
Starlight looked around the office. Phyllis II trembled.
She levitated the rags far to the left. Phyllis II tilted that direction. She levitated the rags far to the right. Phyllis II followed them in that direction.
Starlight smiled.
"Starlight, no offense, but you look awful," Sunburst said as he sat down across her desk from her.
Starlight nodded and sipped coffee. She knew she had black bags under her eyes and her ribs showed through her fur, which was beginning to lose its sheen.
"You look like you donated too much blood," Nurse Redheart said, sitting down.
"Nope, not me," Starlight said. "Just been practicing some difficult spells."
"Really? What spells?" Sunburst asked.
"Nothing illegal! Ha! Ha!" Starlight said unconvincingly. "Certainly not reversing alicorns' and Discord's spells!"
Redheart raised an eyebrow and grunted before looking at her clipboard. "Anyway, thirty percent of your student body has the thunderclap. Have you considered providing condoms?"
"They just use them as water balloons," Sunburst said.
Trixie barged in. "Wow, Starlight, your new plant looks great."
Starlight smiled. Phyllis II was transplanted to a new, giant pot and filled an entire corner of her office. "Thanks. I figured out what fertilizer it needed."
"Oh? What does it need?" Sunburst asked.
"Just the right spell," Starlight said, waving a hoof nervously, "that's why I look so tired."
Rainbow barged in a second later. "Hey! The Cozy Glow statue looks like it got de-petrified. Anypony know where she went? We need a posse to start a fillyhunt."
Starlight patted Phyllis II with a hoof.
"Feed me!"
"Phyllis," Starlight said, "I can't! I already fed you Cozy, Tirek, and Chrysalis."
"Blech!"
"You look like a giant venus flytrap. I would have thought you'd like the bug-horse queen."
"Don't think, you'll hurt yourself."
Starlight paced around her office. "And Celestia has posted guards in the Canterlot sculpture gardens, so I can't steal any more political dissidents for you."
Trixie barged in "Good news! For Starlight's birthday, Trixie invited Starlight's dad!"
Starlight whirled around, staring at Trixie in shock. "You what?"
"His letter said he was excited to see his 'Pumpky-Wumpkin'."
"Hi, Dad," Starlight said, gesturing to one of the chairs in her office and sitting across from him.
"Wow, that's quite a plant!" said her dad. "It's so tall it almost touches the ceiling!"
"Yeah, it had a good meal recently."
"Am I going to meet your friend Trixie? Or is she your marefriend? Or do you have a coltfriend? I wish my Pumpky-Wumpkin would tell me more about what's going on in her life."
"Did... did you just call me 'Pumpky-Wumpkin' again?"
"Hi Zecora," Starlight said, gesturing for her to sit. "Nice to see you."
"I know you have found for dead bodies a hiding place, in that potted plant from outer space."
"I wouldn't! I couldn't!" Starlight looked at the truncheon hidden under her desk and prepared to light her horn and whack Zecora over the head.
"About this topic I have all your friends told, in case the thought of killing me should make you too bold."
"All of them?!"
"Although you may think my methods shoddy, I must also dispose of a body."
"What?"
"When a new pony brought to Ponyville competition, it began to affect my potion sales ambition."
"Oh."
"I left her corpse just outside your window, help me by levitating up the bimbo."
Phyllis II now filled half of Trixie's office.
"Dash," Starlight said, stripping the latex gimp suit off the body and trying to ignore the smells and bodily fluids, "why did you murder Spitfire?!"
"This wasn't murder," Dash said. "This was an accident!"
"An accident."
"Look," said Dash, removing the hood of her own gimp suit, "we had 'consensual' down, but we might have missed 'safe' and 'sane'."
"Derpy," Starlight said with a facehoof, "the Ponyville postmaster?"
Derpy dropped the body and shrugged her wings. "I have two kids to support. I need the promotion."
"Twilight!" Starlight shouted. "This is the third Flash Sentry today! Are you going to alternate universes just to keep murdering your ex?"
"Yes," Twilight said, removing Flash's eye patch and peg leg to protect the plant's digestion. "This one was from pirate universe."
"Tree Hugger?" Starlight asked, opening a window to get the smells of unwashed hippie, marejuana, and murder out of her office.
"She slept with my coltfriend," Fluttershy said.
"Who is...?"
Fluttershy looked at her hooves, blushed, and mumbled indistinctly.
For the next three hours, Phyllis II just stared at her leaves as they swayed in the window's breeze.
"Who're these two?" Starlight asked as Applejack unrolled the rug containing the two bodies. They appeared to be unicorn stallions, probably twins, dressed as carnival barkers.
"Nopony who will be missed."
"Rarity," Starlight said, "this is the fourth fashion critic this week."
Phyllis II burped.
"And next week is Manehattan fashion week, Darling."
"Dammit, Sweetie Belle," Starlight said. "He's a colt! Why'd you kill him?"
Sweetie Belle sobbed, hugging Rumble's body. "I loved him! But he didn't love me back!"
"So you murdered him?"
"No!" Sweetie sniffed. "I tried to woo him. Remember the old saying, 'The way to a colt's heart is through his stomach?'"
"Yeah..."
"I cooked him dinner."
Scootaloo dragged in the corpse of a young earth colt.
Starlight facehoofed. "What did he do?"
"Nothin'," Scotaloo said. "It's just, everypony was doing it, so I thought I would kill somepony, too."
Apple Bloom dragged in Scootaloo's corpse.
"Oh, for Celestia's sake!" Starlight said. "What did Scootaloo do?"
"That colt she killed?"
Starlight nodded.
"Tender Taps, he was m' beau."
A yellow pegasus filly dragged in a large earth mare's corpse.
"Who're you?" Starlight asked.
"Alula."
"What happened?"
"She's a stranger. She invited me inside to try some candy. Big sis said, 'never take candy from strangers'."
Starlight flipped the body over. "This is Bon-Bon! She runs the candy shop!"
Lyra dragged in a sack, turned it upside down, and Alula's body fell out.
Starlight just shrugged. "Yeah, saw that one coming."
"Back from Manehattan Fashion Week?" Starlight asked.
Rarity dumped the body in front of Phyllis II. "Yes, Darling."
"Who is this?"
"Never you mind, Darling."
"Is... is she wearing spoon clothes?"
"Never. You. Mind."
Pinkie dragged in Pinkie's corpse.
Twilight dragged in another Flash Sentry, this one dressed in a charcoal suit and power tie.
"Which universe is this one from?"
"Wall Street universe."
"Are you leaving any of them alive?"
"The one from Rule 63 universe. She and I have a date tonight."
Twilight dragged in Twilight's body.
But, Starlight noticed, the living Twilight didn't have wings, and wore thick, black-framed glasses.
"What did you do to Twilight?"
"Please," said the unicorn, looking at the alicorn's body, "Call me 'Princess'."
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Sockyes!
"This story is deeply immoral and nobody should read it, especially impressionable youths and other people."
(Looks to see if the allure of the forbidden has attracted hordes of additional readers yet.)
One of the greatest musicals of all time condensed into 1,500 words. Great work.
I read, I recognised, I cackled, I upvoted. Glorious as always, Doctor.
It's not a crime if there's no body to find
Okay thats fun xD
That too xD
Bwahahahaha xD
Ok that made me sad...
Aaaand now i laugh agai xD
Not anymore xD
Same xD
Wait... what? XD
That was a fun Story xD but the mirrorpool woukd have sollen so many problems xD
Never have I ever thought that murder would be so inspiring, but here I am reading this story and filled with so much inspiration.
Well, damn. Apple Bloom is speaking fancy.
Also, seems Sci-Twi is still evil. I'm kinda not surprised.
Just a shit-ton of dark humor.
I LOVE IT!
Glorious. Thanks for this insanity.
"Pinkie dragged in Pinkie's corpse."
Yes, I can really see that.
Said server management consists of one sassy black woman who's written worse so you're in the clear (or at least that's my mental image of Estee from non-sass contextual clues).
Welp, that devolved into nonsensical randomness.
Very funny! I (and I assume Discord, both) approve!
Sweetie's is the best!
Poor girl, nopony likes her.
Scootaloo is honestly the worst. Like, all the other murders were understandable, she was just embracing senseless violence.
Mmm.
11256615
More accurately, it's not a crime unless you're convicted in a court of law. And they can't do that without evidence.
A unicorn Twilight running things and wearing glasses be still my heart, We have returned to the golden age all sins have been forgiven, except Sweetie's culinary crimes. Remember Tartarus only exists for those who never learned to cook.
If I had to punch a hole in any of the logic here it would be how SciTwi found out where to bring the body. I have to assume TwiPrime was careless in her attempt of Canterlot High's Flash Sentry and SciTwi stumbled upon the scene but then there should be two bodies.
All joking aside [the parts about glasses and cooking are absolutely serious though] this was one of the greatest concepts I've seen in a bit and was executed outstandingly.
Intriguing,, might finally be time to do another audiobook for you , surprised to see the sex tag on this account though. Been more inclined to cover SFW fics now though, since my former audiobook channel got kicked off youtube.
11256595 Alondro is munching on one of the bodies, "What? Oh... I think everyone still here is already quite mad. We've all have the Cupcakes by now."
And then Phyllis II got 5 million seeds and the resulting ravenous jungle devoured everypony on the planet.
The only ones they didn't eat were the Diamond Dogs, because like the show itself, the plants forgot they existed.
And now we know how gen 5 started.
Enjoyable bit of madness, though I would have liked to see Phyllis II’s inevitable rampage and possible kaiju fight with and/or wooing of the Everfree Forest. Still, fun stuff. Thank you for it.
Lol, cute story, go Phyllis 2!
11256697
A Audiobook is coming soon, thanks for the idea you gave with your comment :).
11256731
And the freaky part is you can't tell which one is the original Pinkie Pie and which is the clone.
11264839
Just remember:
You're welcome.
DON'T FEED THE PPPPPLLLLLAAAAANNNNNTTTTTSSSSS!
Starlight flipped the body over. "This is Bon-Bon! She runs the candy shop!"
Uhmmmm...past tense, please...
"Princess Luna??? WHAT IS THAT??"
"Ah, Starlight...I...er...I have a bit of a boggle, and there’s been whispering in the dreamscape, so..."
Starlight unknotted the bedspread; whereupon a lavender hoof fell to the floor, along with a shock of navy, bold pink, and midnight blue mane.
"Sci-Twi??? WHY???"
"We were having the most innocent of discussions...well, I was having the most innocent of discussions about day and night, and the regulation of. As I stared at her, I noticed how the fake wings were applied, and how this ersatz Princess Twilight paid no true attention to me. Before I could comment, the discussion turned to certain...orbital mechanics and physical laws; the subject apparently needing her immediate input into our discussion. Whereupon she berated me about how OUR Sun and Moon absolutely cannot be under Our direct influence."
Starlight's forehead clonked against her desk. "Of course."
"So...I find myself here." Luna added helpfully.
"Does your Sister know?" Starlight asked, aggrieved.
"Certainly not! Unless she decides to visit The Friendship School direct. Though that should not happen for awhile. Celestia has taken up painting as a hobby."
"She'll figure it out soon. Twilight’s Amulet breaks down often enough."
A sneaky grin appeared on the blue one's muzzle. "Not really...I have applied myself to things other than applying garish colors to canvas. I have moved both Moon and Sun these past two days..."
Another two days later, Sunlight was greeted by the large Firmament of the Sun backing through her door, dragging a canvas bag.
"Please, no..."
"Please, no, WHAT, Glimmer...?" A wild eyed Celestia half-hysterically screeched, her eyes rolling toward the Friendship School Guidance Counselor.
"You...your own Sister??? Starlight said, horrified.
"I SAT ON THAT LOUSY CHAIR FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!! You don't think I KNOW when ponies get to eyeballin' ME? We had FOUR MORE MONTHS before Twilight would be taking over! Then, came the whispering, the sudden stop of conversation when I walk into a room, the PLOTTIN' ON ME! WELL, NO, MA'AM!! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID DOESN'T MEAN THEY’RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU...!!!!"
Suddenly, Celestia stopped, and her gaze froze on Starlight, her eyes glistening. Wet...like peaches...
"Starlight.. why are you staring at me??" she said quietly, with a voice of doom...
Ohhhh-kay.