This Is Your Wake-Up Call
It was thicker than cloud and colder than fog, and it lay over Ponyville and the surrounding area like a blanket.
Naturally Twilight Sparkle and her fellow Elements of Harmony had to go find out what was causing it and put a stop to it, but only after they'd made sure all the ponies of the town were safe. The town ponies were just about able to get from building to building in the gloom, but the farms surrounding town all had to be evacuated to keep them out of the chilling fog and away from any unseen predators that might be lurking in it. Many of the farmers had family in town, but not all, and their livestock also had to be housed somewhere safe, because in the magical land of Equestria "animals are people too" is no mere slogan.
And, because it was the largest and most underused structure in town, Twilight Sparkle's crystalline castle was the obvious first place to put those who couldn't go anyplace else.
Starlight Glimmer had taken charge of organizing this, and by the time Twilight led her friends off to face whatever it ended up being, she had got forty-three ponies, eighteen cows, eleven pigs and three goats into various little-used spaces in the castle. (She put more in the School of Friendship, but they don't come into what follows.)
She also, for whatever reason, ended up with a single, solitary rooster. And, because she had been raised a town unicorn and had almost zero experience with farm animals, she decided the bird could roost in her own room.
She took up the carpets first, and she patted herself on the back and congratulated herself for her foresight.
Before long she learned what any farmer could have told her: roosters start crowing a long, long time before the sun actually comes up.
And she kept re-learning that lesson, as one excruciatingly early morning followed another and the cloud blanket failed to go away, until...
"Get up, you."
The rooster woke up. It didn't move, since it had been perched on the foot of Starlight's bed when it went to sleep, but its eyes opened. The glow of Starlight Glimmer's magic just barely revealed the look of perpetual insanity it, like most birds, gave to the world in general.
"You probably can't read a clock, but the time is currently 4:28 AM."
Most animals in Equestria understand Ponish just fine, even though most ponies couldn't understand them. Chickens don't, partly because some inner part of them still thinks of ponies as prey and not as owners. Thus, the random misfirings of neurons which could charitably be called chicken thoughts merely registered: Pony is gabbling. Must be quiet. Must not stab. If I am good I will get treats. If I am bad I will be held immobile until I stop resisting. I like treats and hate being held. So, must not peck.
"I point this out to you," Starlight continued, "because for the past four nights without fail, you have begun crowing at 4:37 AM, and you continue crowing off and on until half-past ten, with isolated scattered crows through the afternoon giving way to dull sullen exhaustion by nightfall."
Gabby pony is in my space. Want to peck. But stabbing ponies gets hugs. Hate hugs.
"As a result, due to all the work I'm doing keeping you and your owners safe and fed, I have had an average of three hours twenty-two minutes of sleep per night." Starlight Glimmer's eyes had a slight resemblance to chicken eyes at this moment. "And if this trend persists, bird, I cannot be answerable for the consequences."
Gabby, gabby. Where are my treats, gabby?
"I have tried begging. I have tried bribery. I have tried magic." Starlight's horn grew a little brighter. "And every time I stop, you go back to crowing as if nothing happened! So I'm down to threats: shut up or else. You got that?"
The rooster waited a moment, decided the gabbling had ceased, and jumped over Starlight's bed to perch on the headboard. This done, he turned to face the shuttered window and crowed his loudest crow.
"No! NO!!" Starlight beat her head with her forehooves. "It's only 4:32! It's five minutes early! This isn't supposed to happen!"
The rooster crowed again.
"STOP!!"
The rooster crowed again.
"PUHLEEEZ STAAAAAAHP!!"
The rooster crowed and crowed and kept crowing, well past dawn.
Twenty-three hours passed, during which the farm ponies, upon seeing Starlight Glimmer's manic expressions, decided not to explain facts of poultry life to her.
Midnight became one, then two, then three, then four, as it does.
And then, at precisely 4:27 AM:
"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOO!"
The rooster, startled, fell off its perch.
"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOO!!" Starlight Glimmer shouted again, leaning her muzzle down to within an inch of the rooster's face. "How do you like it when it happens to YOU, huh? How about THOSE apples? COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOO!!!"
In the tiny, tiny knot of insanity which is a rooster brain, one clear thought arose: Challenge accepted!
If Twilight and her friends had defeated the Meatier Ologist one day sooner, they wouldn't have returned to Ponyville to find Starlight Glimmer in a hospital bed.
"Haven't had a rooster attack victim in a year and a half," Nurse Redheart told them. "Most Ponyville folks know what to do and not do around a rooster. And they know they have three-inch-long spurs on their legs. She'll need another couple days of rest and healing potions before we can release her."
Twilight leaned over the bed and looked at the gauze mummy lying under the covers. One blue eye, slightly bloodshot, stared back through the wrappings. "Starlight? How are you feeling?"
"I've been better," Starlight admitted.
"Everyone told me what a good job you did taking care of everypony," Twilight said.
"It was nothing."
"Well," Twilight said, "if there's anything we can get for you that would help you get better-"
"Yes." Starlight sat up painfully and snarled: "Chicken. Soup."
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This. So much this! Or chicken legs for me.
11254111
I know right?
Little surprised it didn't end via Starlight having to apologize for vaporizing the attacking rooster, but that would've been less funny.
This picture...
It's so....weird. it freaks me out
Dwl this gave me a good laugh. Thanks.
When my niece was three years old, she visited us on the farm.
The rooster chased her (barefoot) into a cluster of buckburs.
We had chicken and dumplings for lunch.
Honestly? I'm impressed by Starlight's restraint. That rooster could have easily ended up a sooty smear.
Oh, and for fans of The Maretian, this is what Starlight now thinks of roosters: "Crunch crunch crunch."
11254191
What are buckburs?
Google isn't producing any useful search results.
11254111
sorry not sorry, I couldn;t resist
Hmmm. Non magical pony violence is hard to see.
11254407 Also cockleburs, aka the spiky grass seeds that cling to fur, cling to clothes, and stab like vicious things into unprotected skin. And a toddler's bare feet are very tender.
"I only read this because I saw there were goats in it"
11254781 There are more ornery things in the farm than goats.
11254407 11254642 (you two made me go look it up in our PlantID app)
Technical term for this little (censored) is Buffalo Burr. What we commonly call it cannot be repeated in polite company. It has stickers on the stems, stickers on the flowers, stickers on the seed pods, and I swear it has stickers on its stickers.
kswildflower.org/largePhotos/buffalobur7.jpg
11254790 Ugh. That particular plant isn't among the afflictions we suffer in the Big Thicket. (Not that we don't have plenty of things with thorns on...)
11254786
I Know, It's Just A Funny Reason For Me To Look At A Story...
*facehoof*
11254790
Yikes. Those berries look like the business end of a morning star.
Starlight going cockadoodle do had me thinking of this cartoon by Tex Avery.
I think I'm gonna go ahead and do an Audiobook reading of this and also bring attention to that Go Fund Me.
Do not try to intimidate the tiny dinosaur. It still remembers when its ancestors considered yours something they had to scrape off their feet on occasion.
Delightful bit of madness. I can only assume Starlight brushed off any warnings with the self-assured, completely unfounded confidence of a Skylight Lightverb in the full grip of her hubris. (That or nopony bothered because they wanted to see what would happen. After all, there would be slim pickings for street theater until the Bearers did their thing.)
Also, well done/shame on you for the name of the villain.
In all, outstanding work. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.
aww so true, especially when they display clearly that they're able to completely understand Ponish!
it really is! that thing is ridiculous
hehe, definitely see this kind of confident self-satisfaction from Starlight
aww, the dinosaurs in them!
hehe, this does remind me of Starlight's confrontation with Discord in "A Matter of Principals", though with a less satisfactory resolution for Starlight
ahaha, that was definitely the wrong way to go! stooping to the level of the animal/child/baby rarely is, though it's a classic comedic trope for a reason
i have to say i adore the name "Meatier Ologist" for a weather-themed Equestrian villain, it just has that right combination of silly pun and magical whimsy
aww! i can imagine normally vegetarian Equestria making an exception for chickens that are jerks, which is convenient because that is how most chickens seem to be. good source of protein for our pony friends!
i'd hate to borrow a phrase FoME owns so much but i can't describe this as anything other than "a delightful bit of madness"! Starlight was a great choice for this, and this story captures just why it's so fun to watch her deal with frustrating situations of her own making. thank you for writing!
Hello! Have a review. This was just a lot of fun, and Starlight was exactly the right pony for it. Have a like, and well done on the Bronze Medal!
11254642
Chickens aren't half as mean as ducks, although in general the males are more aggressive.
11792966 A duck is a chicken that thinks it's a goose.
11793257
Oh yeah, geese ARE mean. I put it down to them being flat footed and thus having constant sore feet.