Chapter 1
This paper is an essay in name only.
And because Sandbar told me I can’t submit it otherwise.
In truth, this is a proclamation of how flawed the Equestrian ideal of boundless generosity truly is. Written proof of how I, Gallus T. Griffon, singleclawedly broke one of the pillars of Equestrian morals in the only way I know how.
By exploiting dumb, overly trusting ponies. Though this time with cupcakes and not scams.
As with most of my schemes, I began just after school let out. Quickly making my way to Sugarcube Corner, henceforth known as SCC, I immediately asked to take part in their new ‘Unlimited Cupcakes’ deal. Surprisingly, I was told by Pinkie Pie that I was the first to take advantage of this bargain.
I swear, you ponies know nothing of the grift.
I also let it slip that this was all for a counterculture-esque essay, to which she replied: “Heck yeah! Fight the power!”
Knowing I had one ally in the building, I paid the fee and found myself a comfortable table to wait for the first of many cupcakes.
3:10PM - As testament to SCC’s speedy service, my first cupcake was at the table almost as quick as I was. I began with an old favorite, a decadent red velvet, to help ease me into this experiment. After a rich, creamy bite I couldn’t help but ask Pinkie how she manages to make them taste so good
Her evasive answers and rush to the back made the deep red cupcake seem all the more ominous. Despite this, I persevered and finished the first of many cupcakes.
3:30PM - After a quick break, I decided to ask Pinkie to surprise me.
3:45PM - A Rainbow Dash themed cupcake was… quite the surprise. It sat ominously on my plate for a few minutes, her cutie mark emblazoned upon its light blue dough reminding me it was only a few days before she mysteriously disappeared on ‘Official Wonderbolt Business.’
3:48PM - I tentatively took a bite and was thankful it didn’t taste like any pony meat I’ve had. Instead, it was just a vanilla cupcake dyed with cyan food coloring. Sugary in a way that sticks to the tongue for longer than desired.
Much like the pony, definitely not my favorite.
3:49PM - To clarify, I don’t go around tasting pony meat. The only pony meat I’ve tasted is Sandbar’s.
3:50PM - Another clarification. The Sandbar I tasted was his foreleg, which I only bit as a dare. I would say get your mind out of the gutter, but I’ve seen the books you hide behind those fashion magazines. Your mind comes pre-guttered.
4:04PM - Speaking of the venn diagram of ‘Favorite Pony’, ‘Fashion Magazines’, and ‘Pony Meat’, Sandbar swung by to wish me luck in my journey. He and I enjoyed his favorite, a carrot cupcake, in solidarity.
Not having the heart to tell him adding vegetables to cupcakes defeats the purpose, I instead invited him to join me in my act of teenage rebellion.
He turned me down, citing a need to ‘hit the gym’ instead.
Though my fight is clearly alone, he left me with a kiss.
4:10PM - Watching Sandbar leave distracted me enough to not notice Smolder snuck her way to my table. It also distracted me away from noticing the next cupcake delivery, a simple chocolate.
I only realized it when Smolder consumed the entirety in one bite, paper included.
When asking Pinkie for another, I also asked if it could count toward my total.
She said no. But at least she made Smolder pay for the one stolen.
Before leaving, Smolder leaned in close to wipe a bit of frosting from my cheek. I blushed, something I only admit because it means I was flustered by two genders today.
All I needed was a visit from Ocellus and I could bag a third.
4:30PM - No visit, just more cupcakes. I flinched as Pinkie dropped off a mint chocolate one, to which she gave an uncharacteristically cocky smile.
Does she think she’s beaten me already? Have cracks already formed in the thin veneer of my ego?
Perhaps, but I don’t intend to let them show for long.
4:35PM - Already full of three sugary cupcakes, it’s hard for me to stomach a fourth. I don’t know how you ponies do it. Pinkie casually eating dozens is obviously not the norm, but I’ve even seen Applejack eating more than this.
I finish the cupcake, but it sits heavier than the other three.
4:50PM - Pinkie keeps coming by to ask if I’ll be ordering another cupcake. I don’t want to admit that she’s bested me, but the sinister glint in her eyes tells me she already knows.
She has always known.
5:00PM - I leave SCC with my tail between my legs. The two bit price tag on each cupcake means I didn’t even eat my money’s worth. As any griffon would know, this is a failure upon failures.
As I leave, Pinkie gives me a characteristically large wave.
My own wave is small.
Tinged in defeat.
---
“Quite the interesting paper, Gallus.” Rarity smiled wryly as she finished reading Gallus’ scrawlings to her class. “While normally this wouldn’t be allowed, I feel that your attempted refutation of Equestrian Generosity in fact solidifies the concept. I am, however, a bit disappointed you only made it to four cupcakes.” She laughed a bit, her smile growing wider. “Perhaps a bit more and you truly would have bested us, as you say, ‘dumb ponies’?”
Gallus, resting his head on his desk, groaned. Whether it was the unwanted attention or the sugar still racing through his system was anyone’s guess.
“In fact, I respect your efforts enough to award you the top prize.” Rarity continued. “Fifteen extra points on our next exam!”
It was now the entire class who groaned in response, loudest of those being Ocellus.
“Hah!” Gallus exclaimed, lifting a claw to aim it as a gun towards the Changedling sitting beside him. “Suck it, bugaboo!”
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Howdy, hi~!
This was great. I definitely snorted at the end of it when Gallus stuck it to Ocellus. Loved the build-up and subtle nods to other fics. Was an interesting way of presenting the story with the coloured text and report style of writing. It was a fun fic.
Thanks for the read~!
...Okay.
(I jut have no idea what else to say.)
The fact that he didn’t put any into a container to have later speaks volumes about who’s really the dumb one here.
it didn’t taste like any pony meat I’ve had
Aca-excuse me?
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
HELL YEAH
good stuff thanks for feeding me with student 6 content
11247965
In attempting to write GallBar, I found that this weird GallBar/Smolcellus ship is truly endgame.
In a year I expect to just ship all of the Student 6. As god meant us to.
11247949
You can't just take them home for later. That would defeat the purpose of the deal!
I originally was going to have him ask about that, or at least provide a general run-down of the rules, but it had to be cut for word count
11248046
With appreciation for the limitations of 1000 words, there are definitely some gaps you have chosen not to explain.
When I saw that he was going for unlimited cupcakes, I thought the grift was going to be generously giving away his unlimited cupcakes to anyone who wanted one. Unlimited for one can mean unlimited for everyone, if the rules don't say otherwise.
Another clarification...
Oh my goodness, Gallus, my mind comes pre-guttered, too, it seems.
This was a delight, and it felt like you really got a lot of detail out of 1k words. This story was clever, cute, and as sweet as Pinkie's lethally saccharine cupcakes.
Not bad
11248259
When it comes to these boys, the gutter is the only way to go.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. It may have been a struggle getting all of these things into one small story, but it has certainly been worth it.
11248411
Thank you for your words of kindness, friend. They will keep me warm in the coming days.
Ah yes, SCC. Not to be confused with SSC, makers of mechs with toes.
11248953
I don't like the concept of mechs with toes. Why have you done this to me
11248954
Blame the fictional megacorporation from 3000 years in the future.😅
Let the record show that I did not switch to a different ink to write that sentence. It changed to that color after I wrote the closing quotation marks. May this serve as a warning.
I was going to be concerned about the pony meat comment, but then I kept reading. Very important addendum there.
Pro tip: Don't insult the professor in an assignment that already barely fulfills the requirements.
"What are you?"
"I'm a changeling."
"No, are you a boy or a girl?"
"I'm. A. Changeling."
"What's in your pants?"
"Whatever I want. What part of 'changeling' isn't clear?"
Delightful demonstration of Equestria's soft power and the folly of underestimating it. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.
11248953
SCC core bonuses include Full Subjectivity Snack, Ghostwrap, and Kai Biofrosting.
hehe
my immediate question is what the "T." stands for
noooooo why would you exploit the dumb, overly trusting ponies? :(
aww, that is so sweetly supportive and very Pinkie! love it
that does indeed make it seem quite ominous! something tells me the reason for nopony having taken up the unlimited cupcakes offer will be revealed soon enough
oh no. oh noooooo
the "had" raises a lot of questions...
oof, burn on Rainbow!
phew! i was hoping that would be what he meant!
ahahahaha like i guess this is addressing Rarity but also totally got me, the reader
aww, but carrot cakes are so good! Sandbar knows where it's at!
so nice that Gallus has so much love and support for his ridiculous nonsense :)
ehehe nice, everycreature has a thing for the sarcastic blue bird it seems
ah, love this Pinkie/Gallus showdown, now that is a rare combination to write!
skill issue
ehehe love it
haha, can definitely imagine that kind of thriftiness being a griffon virtue!
aww, that full-foreleg wave! i can just imagine it, always so fun, and makes a defeat to Pinkie sting all the more
so true! love her and ponies
ahaha, love how petty this ending is!
ah, really love this! great exploration of how griffons and ponies would view each other, though in a characteristically pony way, really more about how griffons view ponies and how ponies view ponies, all in a fun frame story with a lighthearted conflict. just love how Gallus comes through here all Gallus-y, the bit of GallBar in the middle, the metafictional bits that come with the essay being written in-universe for Rarity in mind, and how it all wraps together with a scene that could have been ripped directly from the canon School of Friendship. agh, Rarity as a teacher is a delight!
fantastic story, thank you so much for it!
Hello! Have a review. Gallus's narrative voice was what made this -- it's really entertaining. He's just like I'd imagine him to be in this situation, and the little asides and bits of dialogue just work. Not that keen on the coloured text, and the ending is not quite as brilliant as the rest (it's fine, just that the rest is even better) but overall this was enormous fun. Have a like and a fave, and well done on the Bronze Medal!
11313466
I thank you many for the review. I remember that I had something that I wanted to do with the colored text, but had to cut down the story majorly to fit the wordcount.
I guess I just left the coloring because I liked the vibe
11297978
"The," clearly.
11321745
Perhaps, or perhaps it stands for Tiberius.
The world may never know.