The Letter
Applejack stared at the letter on the table in front of her. "Droit du WHAT?" she shouted.
At the kitchen sink, pony-naked except for an apron, Pinkie Pie replied, "Excuse me?"
"We got ourselves a letter from Princess Celestia, congratulatin' us on our 'upcoming nuptials.' Which Ah reckon means it's about our weddin' this Friday."
"How nice! Is the princess coming?"
"Ahem. Let me read you the whole thing."
Dear Applejack and Pinkie Pie,
I am so delighted to learn of your upcoming nuptials. Please accept my most heartfelt congratulations.
Barring unexpected contingencies, I plan to attend this most special event, and to take full part in the festivities.
Reviving an ancient tradition, I expect to exercise 'droit du seigneur.' Assuming Pinkie herself will be fully involved in every stage of the ceremony, I believe she will bring me the highest and most magnificent levels of sweet, sensual pleasure.
"So what I want to know," Applejack asked, "what IS this droit dew saynyor, or however you're supposed to say it?"
Pinkie blushed. "Is that all she said? There isn't any more to the letter?"
Applejack flipped the letter over, and fished in the envelope for more. "Nope. That's it. So do YOU got any idea what Celestia might be talkin' about?"
"Nope," Pinkie lied. "I mean...I don't want to even guess, without double checking to make sure. Because what if I guessed, and I guessed wrong, and we prepared for the completely wrong thing? That could be like bringing a whole herd of cats to a swimming race!"
"So what're we supposed to do, d'ya think?" Applejack asked.
"I think 'droit du seigneur' might be Prench. Let's go ask Rarity." Pinkie Pie put the last freshly washed dish on the drying rack, pulled the sink's plug, hastily rinsed and wiped down the sink, and hung her apron on a coathook. "Let's go right now."
***
Inside "Carousel Boutique," a pale unicorn blushed, her pink cheeks complementing the purple tresses of her mane and tail. "I...think I should check first, before I jump to conclusions. But I'll be happy to look into it for you two. Because I know you must be very, very busy preparing for your wedding."
"Nope," Applejack said, as Pinkie Pie cuddled up to her reassuringly. "Until we know what this droit dah say-nyoor is, how can we know what to prepare for? Ah reckon, the sooner we find out, the better."
"Mmm," Rarity said with a neutral, noncomittal tone. "If you want to find out right away...I suppose we could ask Twilight Sparkle. She is a very learned pony." And also, Rarity thought, with her close connections to Celestia, Twilight is probably the pony with the best chance of talking our Solar Monarch out of this crazy idea. "Let's go over there right now!"
Rarity flipped a sign to "closed," locked up the shop, and led the way to Twilight's Castle of Enormous, Garish Crystals, aka Friendship Is Accepting Your Friends' Unfortunate Choices In Habitations That To Be Fair Were Somewhat Forced Upon Them By the Exigencies of Being Polite To Supernatural Entities.
***
"Knock, knock!" Rarity said. "Is the princess in?"
A moment later, the door opened. A small purple-and-green dragon ushered the three visitors inside.
"She'll be down in a bit. She's in the middle of a very delicate experiment. So, what brings you two out this way?"
Applejack used her mouth to pull a letter from her saddlebags. "This came in the mail this mornin', and Ah'm a little concerned. On account of Ah don't even know what this draht der say-no-more even is."
Spike grasped the letter in his claws, reading quickly...and then more slowly. "Well..." he said. "Me and Twilight have been practicing a new trick..." He blew a puff of greenish flame on the letter, and it disappeared.
"What did you just do?" Applejack asked.
"I think I just sent it to--"
"Applejack! Pinkie Pie! I just got your letter!" shouted a running purple unicorn. "Is there anything I can do? I just want you to know...whatever you decide, you have my complete support. No matter what it takes."
"Ahem," Applejack said. "What would you be helpin' us WITH? Ah don't rightly reckon Ah even know what this letter is about. What even are droits? Some kind of party game?"
The purple unicorn blushed. "I should certainly HOPE not. Although with these ancient customs, it can be hard to really know for sure...the full details of how they were originally performed are sometimes lost to time..." She shook her head. "So you really don't know?"
"That's what Ah've been tellin' everpony! That's why Ah'm here. Ah don't know what this droit thingy is, but Ah mean to find out."
Twilight's blush deepened. "I suppose at one time, long ago, it was considered an honor. A sort of...fertility ritual. A way of blessing the marriage with extra..."
"Sex?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight replied, "I was looking for a more tactful way to lead up to that."
"Look here," Applejack said, "Ah don't got as big a pile of fancy book learnin' as some of the rest of y'all here, but Ah can read ponies at least as well as the next pony. The thing you all've been tryin' not to tell me...is it the idea that Celestia wants to...make love to mah wife? Is that what it is?"
Her cheeks red, Twilight nodded.
"And supposin' AH have an opinion about that? What then?"
"I already said, whatever your decision is, I will fully support you. Even if that means running away and hiding..."
An orange unicorn with a red and yellow striped mane interrupted as she walked into the room. "Hi, everypony! Spike wrote me a note through the Friendship Journal. And let me say, if you want to flee to Canterlot High or somewhere else in the human world, I'd be happy to help. I'm sure everyone would. I mean, all my human friends. I'm just saying, if you want to elope through the mirror portal to make your wedding a little more private, or even live in the human world forever to keep Celestia out of your tail hair, I'm all for it."
She smiled. "And let me tell you, when it comes to wedding nights...especially since neither of you is even a unicorn, HANDS should come in very...HANDY." Her friendly grin was only a little bit a teasing leer. "You'll find out what I mean."
"You all don't even understand what's got my britches so chapped," Applejack said.
"We don't?" Twilight blinked. "I should think that would be obvious."
Applejack snorted. "In her letter, Celestia mentioned Pinkie Pie. But she didn't say nothin' 'bout me. Why is Pinkie Pie the only one she's interested in? It's like she don't even think Ah count at all." Anger flashed in Applejack's eyes.
"Ohhh!" Pinkie squealed, putting a foreleg around Applejack. "So THAT'S why you're so upset."
"In the human world," Sunset remarked, "Droit du seigneur was traditionally about a noble and the bride, not the husband. Maybe Celestia thinks in your relationship, Pinkie is the girl?"
Twilight shook her head. "I don't think that would apply to Equestrian history at all. According to the fragmentary documents and interpretations that I've seen, anyway."
Pinkie proclaimed, "The only way I'm doing ANY of this is if we do it in a way that Applejack likes. If Celestia wants to...ponk my plot, she's going to have to ponk Applejack's plot just as much, and with just as much care and just as much love, until Applejack says she's satisfied. Otherwise Celestia isn't even allowed at the wedding."
Sunset grimaced. "But can we stop her? She IS very powerful. I don't think all of us together could stand against her, if she puts her mind to it. And she is a very bossy, insistent pony...as I learned the hard way, shortly before I fled this universe to get away from her."
"Is THAT why you ran away?" Spike asked. "Because Princess Celestia was too bossy?"
Sunset said, "I don't want to talk right now about why I ran away. What we need to do is solve this problem with Applejack and Pinkie Pie."
A tall, white unicorn mare with a pink mane tiptoed into the room. "Is this the Castle of Friendship?" she asked. "I have a friendship problem, and I think I could use some help with it."
Twilight waved one foreleg vaguely at the mare. "Wait in line, sister. First we have to help Pinkie and Applejack decide whether they're going to flee Equestria and never return, or if they're just going to use a stopwatch and make Celestia give each one an equal amount of time--"
Pinkie said, "I don't think Celestia should get to spend even one single second with either me or Applejack, unless we both get to share her the whole time. And she's not allowed to leave until BOTH of us are fully satisfied. A good party isn't about being a miser with your fun!"
The pink-maned mare said, "That sounds like it could take all night."
"Sure!" Pinkie agreed. "If it goes well. And I am NOT going to let it go badly. Not if I'M involved. I have VERY HIGH STANDARDS for my parties...and a wedding is definitely some kind of party. Or else!"
"What I mean is..." the mare blushed. "Earlier today I wrote a letter to two very dear friends of mine...and I'm afraid there was a misunderstanding. Some old historical records have suffered...damage. Misinterpretation."
In a flash of blue light, a midnight blue alicorn appeared, her dark mane and tail waving in an ethereal breeze. "What my sister probably means to say is..the princes Blueblood XXI through XXV can go to Tartarus."
"I already saw to that, while you were away," the pink-maned mare remarked. "In case anypony hasn't figured it out yet, I'm Princess Celestia in disguise."
Luna continued, "The ORIGINAL meaning of droit du seigneur was, some very special pony, who many ponies looked up to as a goddess, might decide to grace your wedding with her presence, and eat the first slice of wedding cake. Then she would kiss the bride and groom, or groom and groom, and bride and bride...or whoever they might be. She would bless each of them and both of them together, with her wishes for a joyous and bountiful marriage."
"Oh!" Sunset said. "That doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I didn't really need to run away from Equestria with my special somepony in the first place."
Pinkie's mane drooped slightly. "It sounds...anticlimactic."
The pink-maned unicorn mare said, "Just how much blessing do you think your marriage needs?"
Pinkie dragged Applejack aside to a far corner of the room, where the two of them whispered to each other. After a couple minutes, Applejack beckoned the pink-maned figure to join them.
Seeing the three ponies cuddling and whispering in the corner, Luna chuckled quietly. "I can see that even though I've been away a thousand years, not everything has changed. Some ponies still very much appreciate my sister's 'blessings.'
Twilight asked, "Do you feel left out?"
Luna bit her lip. "Maybe."
Twilight walked up to Luna's side, and gently touched flanks with her. "Luna...I know for a fact at least one pony thinks you're the prettiest creature in Equestria. So if you feel neglected...I know somepony who doesn't want you to ever have to feel alone or unappreciated. There IS somepony who wants to make sure you always feel loved."
Luna said softly, "And who is this mystery pony?"
Twilight whispered into Luna's ear for a minute.
Luna turned her face towards Twilight's, and licked the purple alicorn's nose. "Is that how you feel? I think you're being very...forward, with your elders."
"That's the way I really feel!" Twilight squealed. "I can't help it!"
"Hmm," Luna said. Her horn lit up, and she dragged Twilight towards a doorway. "Let's see just how naughty and wicked an alicorn princess I can be, then."
"I know love can save your heart from Nightmare Moon's evil!" Twilight cried out, thrashing her limbs as she floated through the air. "No matter how you torment me with nose rubs and tummy tickles, and frog licking and tail pulls and--"
A flare of Luna's magical light wrapped Twilight's muzzle, closing her mouth. Twilight and Luna left the room together.
Spike stared after the new couple. "Was I supposed to see that?" he asked. "It seemed...weird."
Rarity shrugged. "I hope they won't be making a continual spectacle of that sort of thing. But...if you live here, I suppose you won't be able to entirely avoid knowing that it's going on, either."
"I'm not sure seeing that kind of thing is good for me. But I think I'm still kind of young to move out on my own. But also, I've been reading some new educational comic books, and...I've recently learned Twilight and I have something called a dysfunctional sibling relationship. That's why she treats me like a slave and keeps me from playing with other creatures my own age. I should leave, but where would I go?"
Rarity pondered. "Have you ever met Scootaloo's aunts?"
"Um...no?"
"They're a nice couple...and they make a point of providing housing for foals who for some reason need not to live with their birth families. Or with their hatching familes, I suppose. So maybe we should go ask them how they would feel about raising you and letting you live like a normal creature. Do you know what I mean?"
Spike nodded. "I think I do."
"Let's go see them right now," Rarity said. She and Spike left on their new errand.
Except for whispers and giggles in the room's corner, and muffled screams of joy from upstairs, the castle was finally somewhat quiet.
And, hay, at least Spike might finally get to live like a kid while he still was one.
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I cackled all the way through. The perfect amount of confusion and comedy, plus additional TwiLuna? Gold. Thank you for doing more with a dumb idea than I ever might have!
Don't we love/hate it when the subjects of our historical records are still alive to correct it?
Also, screw Blueblood XXI through XXV.
"Droit Du Seigneur" is French for "Law of the Lord."
11240736
More importantly, it refers to something that probably never existed and almost definitely wouldn't exist in the more idyllic Equestria.
hehe, i like the important distinction of "pony-naked", which is fine and normal and doesn't carry the associations humans would have
ahahahahaha
hey, delightful countryisms are Applejack's thing!
ah, lovely Rarity, always one for approaching delicate situations discreetly
i do enjoy how Rarity this characterization of Twilight's Castle is, i may have to steal it
wait, but isn't she an alicorn if she already has the Castle of Friendship? LITERALLY UNREADABLE
hehe, that would be a good game!
idk mare if it's gonna be that weird already why not just go for maximization
hehe, good Pinkie
it is pretty firmly entrenched in my headcanon now that Applejack only ever refers to sex as "lovemaking" so this was nice to see
hehe, of course Sunset would have this perspective on things
i mean if the issue is some third mare being creepy about ApplePie's wedding night, this doesn't exactly help, Sunset!
aww! haha, that is a fun twist, love it
yes that's right, none of that nonsense about women being possessions here!
i was going to say i love that Pinkie refers to sex as "ponking plots" but in fact i actually love literally everything about this paragraph
ah i love the comic absurdity of these two being the only two options right now
aww, i already really love this! it somehow even feels very my Celestia and my Equestria all at once. augh, i am definitely stealing this. it's cute with a sinister undertone but actually it's just fine
yay TwiLuna!
aww, TMI around your friends, Twilight!
commentary, and so true
aww, and so true! what a nice solution the the Spike dilemma as it came to a head in this very story
augh, loved the ideas that this one was packed with, and the Pinkie, Applejack, and Rarity characterizations were great (though we see Rarity's only for a paragraph). the comic escalation and resolution were a solid core, which makes me wonder if the TwiLuna and subsequent commentary on Spike would have worked better as a second chapter, or separated epilogue, to give the main story's end a bit of space, but i guess the way this is lampshades how much of an anticlimax the CelestiApplePie cuddlepile ending is (which i loved).
anygay, fantastic entry!