(If anyone takes art commissions, I'd like to request actual art for the cover art. Flit Wing is a Changeling character I made in Ponytown)
A face of sorrow hidden behind the mask of deception - Flit Wing - a lost changeling found refuge in the quaint town of Ponyville, and has been living a quiet life among the ponies there. During his times in this new town, he's made friends, a strong contrast to the hardship of the hive life - a life he refused to return to. However, among ponies is not where he belonged, or so he thought.
After months of living in disguise among ponies, and having grown so close to them, it began to dawn on him that after what his kind did, there's no way they'd accept him for what he truly is if they were to catch wind of it. However, that's the least of his problems as word gets out of changeling sightings. They couldn't have possibly figured him out, could they? Or is there something more going on...
Ooooooboy! Even better than the other one!
Yesssss!
Keeping daily tabs on this one for sure!
11241815
Welp...this one got totally and utterly over shadowed by the other. When you see Luna + in your shower + anthro tags = pony boobs. You get the idea haha.
When that one dies down I'll continue this one :)
11241821
You gotcha!
And I can see why.
Though, Flit does look a bit familiar...
11242081
He does? (Also sorry. Accidentally commented on your profile instead of herel
11242118
Yeah. Looks pretty similar to my OC.
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/941092624742375444/975497728501088307/Screen_Capture_Img_2790.png
Made him a few months back.
11242407
Oh wow that's disturbingly similar.
Maybe they're twins hahahah
11242410
Who knows. All I know is that his blog is doing bad.
11242430
Pitty. So what do you think of this story?
11242535
Well...
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11242660
Well?
11242670
Sorry, was just linking to my first comment.
Well, let's see were this goes.
What I find lacking in this beginning, perhaps, it's the lack of tension. The tags suggest otherwise, but, somehow, I get the feeling that problems are going to resolve easily. Likely, you are going to subvert this, but it does not make a strong start (I think). Adding some form of immediate tension and foreshadowing (ie. tricking the reader into believing RD was being chased by a changeling, or having the bakery to be momentarily empty and making him jump to conclusions, I dunno) can help.
Writing an OC that people can easily sympathize with is hard. I think you should plan to have his character developed in some other way than just telling his secret. For instance, I think a being that was used to receive orders all the time without question would have trouble with the concept of freedom.
11241821
I find myself torn, because the emerging need to be clickbait-y to gather any semblance of attention gets a little tiring. Yet, I feel ever increasingly tired while browsing, and the only things I seem to bother with are those with the more overt (often brain-ded) premises. Perhaps it is possible to be like a cars salesman and still deliver deeper plot devices, but that is becoming increasingly rare here, as the metaphorical pond dries out.
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Yeh I haven't written the next chapter yet...taking a good amount of time to explore options. He certainly isn't going to just come out and say he's a changeling. As far as immediate tension...nah, was planning for a more humble start, going off the fact he's learned ponies can be trusted and that he can learn and change on his own, rather than having it forced down his throat like how it was done in EQG with Sunset Shimmer. Tension will crop up later, however.
As for easily defusing situations as you'd mentioned on my other story...yeah I'm not a big fan of that. Like HiE fics where in most cases the main character keeps being an alien a secret, but then they see Luna in their dreams and Luna basically tells them hey he's an alien, he's nice and wants to go back home. Problem solved by chapter three.
As well as last time, I appreciate the criticism. I'm trying to get back into writing and am rusty. I'd be open to discussing ideas and such on how to move forward from here.
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In fact, I'm thinking I might even entirely rewrite the first chapter. I did not intend for tension at the start, but I do agree to an extent there should be some.
11243310
Cool.
Interesting to see this written AFTER Thorax was canon. What lead you to decide on this plotline? Nothing wrong with it, just an unusual.choice that intrigues me.
11247521
Thorax is a wuss
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Plus real changelings have holes
Interesting start I think I will follow
Can't wait for the second chapter. Well, I can, but I really don't want to. Going really good so far.
It's a decent start to something with potential. I'll be keeping an eye on this one!
No updates? Shame.