G5 is Racist Because Applejack
“Darling, all we’re saying is perhaps you should put things in perspective.”
Twilight scoffed. “Rarity, Friendship is Magic was one of the top-rated reality shows for nearly a decade, and now they want to make a sequel!”
“Yeah, with none of us in it, set hundreds of years in the future. Little odd, don’tcha think?” Applejack replied. “Makin’ a fictional story about Equestria after we’re gone?”
“Can’t be any worse than that silly timeskip scene in our season nine finale,” Pinkie Pie said, giggling as the rest of the table groaned.
“I’m not a fillyfooler!”
“Of course not, dear, no one really believes that.” Rarity gently rubbed Rainbow’s hoof from across the table, trying to hold back a sarcastic jab. “Goodness knows I’d never let myself go gray, either.”
Pinkie Pie and Applejack rolled their eyes; Fluttershy stared intensely at the ground.
“I went on a date with Soarin last week!” Rainbow screamed. “I’m straight! Mega-straight! I’ve slept with half of Cloudsdale!”
“Yeah, but which half?” Applejack muttered, pulling her Stetson down to hide a grin.
“I will bucking shove that Celestia-damned hat so far up your—"
“ANYWAY,” Twilight quickly interrupted, “Spike said he’d meet us here after his meeting with the producers; we’ll be able to put all this to rest soon enough. You’ll see.”
“Um, I don’t know, Twilight,” Fluttershy replied. “What we had was really special—I don’t think most of what’s on TV is like that.”
“Mmm, how true. You’re absolutely right, dearie.” Rarity nodded, taking a delicate sip of her tea. “We can’t set our expectations too high; we’ll only be disappointed otherwise.”
Bits of cupcake sputtered out of Pinkie Pie’s mouth as she said, “Disappointed? Watching the movie will be a blast as long as we watch it together!”
Flicking a speck of frosting off her cheek, Applejack smiled. “Yeah, can’t be that bad.”
About a block away and around the corner from Sweetgrass Café, Spike stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh no.”
He bent in half and tried to slow his breaths. Once again, what remained of his lunch was trying to make its way back up his throat. “Hhmmfff, rrrrtch.”
This wasn’t a bad day—well, not for certain. Yet.
It was, however, a day when he’d need to break some bad news to his best friends, all of whom were mentally unstable mares with a history of psychotic breakdowns.
The upcoming movie, A New Generation, was going to be a hit. One of the writers herself had given him an overview of the story, and they shared some confirmed cast members too. A full-size cargo ship couldn’t hold the number of bits this thing would generate on release. The project had been in the works since before Friendship is Magic wrapped up, and they were primed to take Equestria by storm all over again. Everypony was going to see it—and oh, horse apples…
Everypony. Including them.
Breaths rapidly escaped his lungs before he forcefully sucked more air back in. Spike tried to focus his eyes on something and settled for the papers in his claws. Clearly, a mistake. The undoing of his relaxed existence sat in his grasp, given to him by the very perpetrators of this tragedy. Cruelty is a rare thing in Equestria, and it seemed unlikely that was the production staff’s intention. However, telling him to share the details of this new film with the girls was a malicious act of the highest order.
Ponies passing by tried not to stare when he slumped against the nearest building and muttered to himself, “I’m dead—I’m so dead. The whole staff was right there, and I told them this was a great idea. But what else could I say? ‘This is awful, the girls are going to hate it.’ It’s not even done yet. Plus, I’m not the one making the movie. For Celestia’s sake, I’m not even old enough to drink. This isn’t my fault!” Spike gestured emphatically at the stallion standing nearby.
“Uh…”
Originally, the stallion stopped to see if the young dragon was all right. Given the wild look in his eyes and the incoherent mumbling, it only seemed right to be concerned. Now, however, he wasn’t sure what to do. “I don’t really—”
“Maybe that’s my way out! Yeah, yeah. ‘I’m a young, naïve drake taken advantage of by another cynical movie studio.’ Shed a few tears, and suddenly, nopony is thinking straight. I’m too cute for anypony to get angry at me.”
In truth, Spike’s puberty hadn’t been all that kind to him, which the stallion in front of him mentally noted while he backed away slowly. Spike’s scheme was already in motion though, and he scarcely noticed as his audience left.
“I wonder if I can sue for emotional distress. Filing the lawsuit would be a chore, but it might help sell it. Then, they’d be too busy with the court case to remember the movie. No, simpler is better.”
Spike tapped his claws along the edge of his chin while a renewed sense of hope lifted him up. The heaviness weighing his body down hadn’t left, but he pushed himself off the wall and onward towards the Sweetgrass Café. “It’s gotta be convincing. No inconsistencies or mistakes. Nothing they think too deeply about. Short, pathetic, and pitiable.” He chuckled. “Just a usual day for Spike the dragon.”
His chest still tensed with each step, threatening to strangle his innards, but that sounded like a better death than what awaited him if he didn’t pull this off. Six of the most powerful mares were awaiting his arrival, expecting good news about A New Generation. All he had to do was tell them the truth.
None of this was his fault.
Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy sat around the table, staring at the paper Spike laid down.
Confused, Fluttershy silently mouthed a phrase from the blurb. Rainbow Dash tilted her head and nearly said something, then found she didn’t know what to say. Pinkie’s manic grin didn’t falter as she reached the end, but Spike couldn’t tell if that was a good sign. Despite her flair for the dramatic, Rarity’s poker face was one of the best in Equestria, so Spike focused on the two remaining mares. Nopony had said a word, and it seemed Applejack wasn’t interested in being the first. Only Twilight remained.
“This isn’t a funny joke, Spike,” she said quietly—the kind of quietly that usually preceded him getting locked in the basement closet overnight.
Up until this moment, Spike fully believed his plan would work.
He hadn’t added as much preamble as he’d hoped to before setting out the movie synopsis. However, his plan didn’t require long explanations. It required being an effortlessly convincing actor with an impeccable knack for story crafting and emotional manipulation. Unfortunately, Spike remembered at precisely the wrong time why he learned not to bend the truth. He royally sucked at it.
So the plan was not going to work.
Spike laughed awkwardly. “That’s good, because, uh… um…” Sweat pooled in his claws as he clenched them tighter, crumpling the papers he was still holding. “This is the real movie. That’s what they’re making.”
“This.” Twilight tapped the paper with her hoof. “This is A New Generation.”
Spike realized those would have been questions coming from anypony else, but Twilight spoke the words like an accusation. “It’s in late pre-production,” he replied.
She ripped the paper upwards in her magic and shoved it towards him. “This—right here—this paper is the official story synopsis. Written by a paid writer.”
“No need to be harsh with Spikey-Wikey, dear,” Rarity said, pulling the paper back with her own magic. “Creatives are entitled to their artistic liberty, after all.”
“Heh, so that’s what it’s called,” Rainbow Dash chuckled.
Fluttershy winced, then hunched closer to her half-finished daffodil sandwich. Before taking a bite, she quickly said, “Um, maybe it’s a mistake.”
“A mistake?” Twilight asked. “Yeah, I’d say—what the buck, Spike?”
All eyes turned to the young dragon, and he berated himself for not thinking this plan through all the way. The remaining papers in his claws felt cool and smooth, contrasting with the sweat dripping down his arms. His gaze lingered on the story synopsis, which rested once again on the table after Rarity and Twilight released their magic. As his eyes skimmed the lines once more, he couldn’t shake what the production staff told him after reading it the first time.
My Little Pony: A New Generation
Estimated Runtime: 1h 31m
Expected Release Date: TBD
In the new movie, the pony world of Equestria has lost its magic. Friendship and Harmony have been replaced by paranoia and mistrust, and Ponies now live separated by species. Sunny -- a feisty and idealistic young Earth Pony -- is convinced there’s still hope for this divided world, but her slightly misguided and often hilarious efforts to change hearts and minds have led to her being branded a misfit. When Sunny befriends a lost Unicorn named Izzy, who wanders innocently into the Earth Pony town of Maretime Bay, the town has had enough. Izzy and Sunny must embark on an epic adventure that will include a daring jewel heist, outrageous conspiracy theories, elaborate musical numbers, and the world’s cutest flying Pomeranian. Their adventures will take them to faraway lands and force them to challenge the status quo by facing their fears and making new friends out of old enemies. The world Sunny has dreamed of her entire life could finally become a reality as Sunny and her newfound friends fight to prove that even little ponies can make a big difference.
“Welcome to the future, everypony’s racist now!” Twilight raised her hooves and smiled as wide as she could. “That’s the plot?”
Spike sighed. “They… it’s… this isn’t exactly racism. More like, uh, you know, fear.”
“Nothin’ wrong with that,” Applejack said. “Says it right there, too. ‘Paranoia and mistrust,’ and ponies ain’t exactly known for being the most rational bunch.”
“Gee, that’s funny, because ‘separated by species’ sounds a lot like racism to me.” Twilight said. “And why, for Celestia’s sake, would the studio think racism is what ponies want to see? Especially when we’re talking about a series based entirely around friendship and harmony!”
“It tested well with the demographics,” Spike muttered.
“Nopony can hear you if you’re mumbling, silly,” Pinkie Pie giggled as a server came behind Rainbow Dash to refill her glass.
Spike threw up his claws. “I said racism tested well with the demographics.”
Amidst the awkward silence, the server continued refilling the girls’ glasses with water, but with each one, the poor mare grew more uncomfortable with the deathly quiet that had fallen over the café patio. She started backing away before Applejack’s glass was even full. “If you need anything, just… you know,” the server whispered, already halfway to the café’s entrance.
Twilight’s brain—try as it might—couldn’t process Spike’s words, so Rarity spoke up. “That’s… Darling, when did they poll Equestrians about racism?”
“Well, you know how market research companies run surveys and ask ponies about their favorite characters and stuff?” Spike said.
“Yeah, the Wonderbolts do something like that whenever we’re thinking about updating our routines,” Rainbow Dash replied, smoothing back her mane. Suddenly, her eyes widened and a huge grin spread across her muzzle. “Wait, did they run a poll about us? Did they ask who everypony liked the most? It’s me, isn’t it? I’m the favorite, right?” Rainbow Dash’s wings beat faster with each question, lifting her off the chair.
Applejack quickly caught the mare’s tail and tugged, landing Rainbow Dash firmly back in her seat. “Ain’t a popularity contest, Dash.”
“No, no, of course not,” Rarity agreed, batting her eyelashes. “But out of curiosity—and a spirit of friendly competition—where did I rank?”
Fluttershy played with her mane and blushed. “Oh, I hope ponies liked me. It was so fun being part of the show.”
With a giggle, Pinkie Pie nudged Twilight, who rolled her eyes but let her frown soften as the other girls leaned toward Spike. The little dragon shifted the papers in his hand and prayed to Celestia that he’d somehow lost the poll results on the way here.
He hadn’t, unfortunately.
As Spike stared down at the poll results, he knew he should say something. A more emotionally mature creature would say they were all lovely in their own unique, beautiful way. Numbers are simply numbers and can’t describe a pony’s true value.
Of course that was a lie. The studio knew precisely how much each mare was worth in terms of merchandising, but that’s not exactly polite to acknowledge. Plus, explaining what percentage of their royalties came from body pillows and scented candles—particularly when bundled together—was not appropriate in a public setting.
Even before he looked back up, Spike could feel their expectant stares burning. He had a feeling this next part wouldn’t go very well, but dragon scales could still only take so much heat, and he was nearly at his limit. Furnaces burned behind each pair of eyes, ready to consume every detail of the documents in his claws. If they grew any more intense, the papers would probably catch flame, so he sighed and set the first page on the table.
“Here are the results from their initial poll,” he said while the girls gathered around.
Who is Your Favorite Pony from Friendship is Magic?
Rainbow Dash – 22.7%
Pinkie Pie – 21.9%
Fluttershy – 19.8%
Rarity – 19.5%
Twilight Sparkle – 15.3%
Applejack – 0.8%
“Oof, that’s rough buddy,” Rainbow Dash said, laying a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder in sympathy. “But hey, look at the bright side. You’re friends with the most popular TV star in Equestria!”
“Gosh, that makes us all feel so much better,” Twilight replied. “For Celestia’s sake, Spike. Why did you even show us this?”
“Oh, come on!” Rainbow Dash cut in before Spike could speak. “It’s not my fault I’m so awesome.”
Rarity shook her head. “No one likes a braggart, dear.”
Through a fit of giggles, Pinkie Pie added, “Careful Dashie, you might float away like a balloon if your ego gets any bigger.”
“Think we could add that to the next Wonderbolts show?” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk, drawing a hearty laugh from Pinkie. After Applejack pushed Rainbow’s hoof off, even she couldn’t help but crack a smile when Rainbow Dash continued, “Now that would draw a crowd!”
Fluttershy covered her mouth with a hoof to hide her lips curling upward. “It doesn’t matter, Rainbow. Those ponies don’t know what they’re talking about; you’re all my favorites.”
“Absolutely. I couldn’t say it any better myself, Fluttershy,” Rarity replied. “What difference do a few points make? Ponies may say something entirely different a week from now.”
“Statistically, we’re not that far away from each other,” Twilight said, looking around at her friends. “Errr, mostly anyway. Sorry, Applejack.”
Applejack shrugged before leaning back in her chair with a resigned sigh. “Can’t go changing who we are just because somepony doesn’t like us. Besides, twenty points ain’t that much. I may not be most ponies’ favorite, but we’re still pretty close if you ask me.”
“No,” Spike said listlessly. “It wasn’t even close.”
Everypony pulled back, stunned by Spike’s blunt reply. Though unsuccessful, the girls did their best to hide their shock, but Twilight couldn’t help from silently gaping at him.
“Sugarcube, I appreciate the honesty, but maybe you could’ve let that one slide,” Applejack said with a side-eye to the little dragon.
“It’s fine. Rainbow Dash isn’t the most popular,” he replied, confusing them even further. Spike laid the next sheet of paper on the table without another word.
Who is Your Favorite Pony from Friendship is Magic?
That Racist Orange Background Pony (Applejack) – 78.6%
Rarity – 6.0%
Pinkie Pie – 5.2%
Fluttershy – 4.6%
Rainbow Dash – 2.9%
Twilight Sparkle – 2.7%
“The first survey didn’t have pictures, and nopony could remember Applejack’s name. After completing the survey, some ponies mentioned that their favorite mare wasn’t on the list, so the team asked them who they were talking about. They kept getting the same response, so they updated the poll and started over.”
Somewhere in the back of their heads, Rarity, Twilight, Fluttershy, Dash, and Pinkie could hear Spike talking. However, they were too preoccupied with gawking at the paper resting on their table to say anything. Only Applejack seemed to have any awareness of what was happening, but even she had difficulty knowing what to say.
“Huh.” Pulling her hat back, she scratched her mane and said, “Well look at that.”
Rainbow Dash, finally pulled from her trance by Applejack’s voice, slammed the table and shouted, “I’m on the bottom? With Twilight?!”
“Mmm, just like in bed,” Rarity said under her breath, eyes still fixed on the stats in front of her.
“Okay, first, shut up,” Rainbow Dash said, jabbing a hoof at Rarity. “Second, what the hay is this? I was in first, now, now—what the bucking Tartarus is this load of horse apples!”
A mother passing by swiftly covered her foal’s ears and glared at the mares. Twilight hid her face in her hooves, but Pinkie Pie smiled brightly when the foal noticed them and started waving. Quickly, the mother pushed her child’s hoof down and forced them to continue trotting forward, much to Rainbow’s annoyance.
“Oh, give it up, I already know what you really think, you—mphmfm…”
Fluttershy covered Rainbow Dash’s muzzle just in time, but it took all her strength to keep the pegasus from breaking her grip.
“Wow, you’re super popular, AJ!” Pinkie Pie chimed in after she finished waving enthusiastically at the mare swiftly trotting away with her foal.
“But I don’t understand, why do ponies think she’s racist?” Fluttershy asked, still clutching to the angrily writhing Rainbow Dash. “Friendship is Magic was made for foals. I thought they were supposed to edit any bad parts out.”
“They are, and they did.” Twilight replied. “Otherwise the network would never let them broadcast it. We’ve all had our moments, but ponies have no idea what else was edited out. Goodness, I doubt any of us even know.”
Spike stared at Twilight incredulously, then looked at each of the other girls, uncertain if they were indeed serious. “Have… Have any of you watched the show?” he asked hesitantly. They all nodded, but it seemed halfhearted, like they weren’t admitting something.
“Yes, of course we’ve watched the show, Spike,” Twilight said with a sigh.
“Well, we’ve all watched at least some of the episodes,” Rarity corrected. “Watching all nine seasons of ourselves would be a touch prideful, don’t you think?”
Pinkie Pie looked left and right, as if she wasn’t sure if she was revealing a secret. “I watched the finale. That counts, right?”
“Yeah, that’s all I watched,” Rainbow Dash added, finally freeing herself from Fluttershy.
“Same here.”
“Guilty.”
“Okay, yes.”
“I’ll get around to the rest eventually.”
“Okay, so you never watched the show late at night?” Spike asked. “Maybe around 11pm, or sometimes later at like, 2am?”
“Spike, dear, if any of us are up that late, we’re likely doing something… ahem, other than watching television,” Rarity replied.
“Yeah, yeah—whatever, I don’t want to hear more about Rainbow’s love life.”
“Which only involves stallions!” Dash interjected.
“Sure,” Spike said, rolling his eyes. “The point is, you’re saying none of you have seen the Friendship is Magic late night episodes?”
“Oh, is that like an aftershow? I love those,” Fluttershy said, softly tapping her hooves together.
“Um, uh… no, not really. It’s more like… well…”
Dear Celestia, why did it have to be him? A dragon his age shouldn’t even know about this, let alone be explaining it to his adult friends—especially when half of them were such prudes. On top of that, he’d then have to explain why he knew about it, and that invited all sorts of awkward questions about the show’s content. Content that he’d prefer to save for his private time.
“Think of it like a… director’s cut.”
“Whoa, we’re so awesome they can’t fit us into a 30-minute show,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Is it like Blade Trotter, or more like Equestrian Pie?”
“He shouldn’t know what either of those is, Dash, and it’s the latter, isn’t it?” Twilight said, cocking her head to give the little dragon a pointed glare. “Spike, are we going to have a conversation later about what is and isn’t appropriate for you to view, especially when it involves your friends?”
“Could we not?” he replied.
“How many film reels do you have?”
Spike’s eyes darted away, trying to avoid her intensifying stare. “Just one.”
“Which is probably a supercut and explains why you asked to put a projector in the bathroom,” Twilight groaned, slamming a hoof into her face. “Okay, we’re definitely talking later, but right now, you’re going to tell us how this somehow leads to racism.”
“Yeah, ah’m still not quite sure what happened here,” Applejack said, pointing to the paper. “It’s flattering and all, but how is this connected to all the other stuff?”
Spike sighed. “I know newspapers always talked about how Friendship is Magic was popular right from the start, but that’s not… exactly true. The early episodes bombed. Coincidentally, those episodes focused on mostly Twilight,” he said with an apathetic shrug, much to Twilight’s aggravation. Spike quickly continued though, so she bit her tongue and fumed silently.
“Audiences thought it was too tame for parents and too boring for foals, but the studio had months’ worth of footage. They’d sunk hundreds of thousands of bits into this. That’s when one of the producers had the idea to use some of the ‘other’ footage they had, since they needed to edit so much out of the daytime version. Viewership numbers nearly quadrupled immediately, and well, you know the rest. I’m also pretty sure they never gave us the royalties, though.” Spike said, rubbing a claw along his chin.
“Darling, this is all very interesting, truly, but I fail to see where Applejack’s startling and unexpected popularity comes into this,” Rarity said before turning to Applejack. “Ah, no offense intended, dear.”
“None taken,” she replied. “Kinda wonderin’ about that myself.”
“Remember how I said they edited out stuff for the original show? There was a lot of Applejack in there.”
Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves and giggled. “Wow, what did she—”
“A lot,” Spike interrupted.
“I—” Before Fluttershy could say any more, she noticed the bloodshot veins running through Spike’s eyes.
“A lot,” he said, slapping a stack of papers on the table.
Favorite Applejack Moments (As Voted on by Ponies)
- After mistaking Zecora for sister of famous R&B singer, apologized by saying, “Sorry, y’all stripey bastards all look the same to me.”
- Suggested castrating Rarity’s horn after the events of Inspiration Manifestation
- When suggestion to castrate Rarity’s horn was shot down, blamed the secret cabal of unicorns who rule the world, then lobbied to send unicorn youth to “reformation camps”
- Attempted to form anti-pegasus organization, twice
- Believed stereotype about yaks being incestuous, asked Prince Rutheford how tight his sister’s hoochie was (very tight, apparently)
- Regularly donated gems to help the needy in the Dragonlands, gems were later discovered to be laced with birth control drugs
- When asked out by a random pegasus in Vanhoover, commented that his genitalia was probably more of a willow than an oak
- Fed one of Fluttershy’s animals to a manticore, then blamed the incident on “those damned rat-birds” (the griffons)
- Urinated in Cadance’s tea before discovering it was Chrysalis in disguise
- After Cadance returned from imprisonment by Chrysalis, proceeded to pee in Cadance’s tea again
- Unsuccessfully attempted to mail a bomb to Chancellor Neighsay
- While touring reformed changelings’ hive, muttered to herself about “ordering a bug zapper big enough for these pests”
- Attempted to incite race war between the buffalo and deer by defecating in their sacred burial grounds then blaming the other tribe
“Wow. It seems kinda… bucked up when everything is laid out like this,” Rainbow Dash said.
Numerous more pages sat underneath, but none of the girls made it past the first one without turning to Applejack in disbelief. Uneaten food sat on their plates, hardly touched, but a sandwich had made it halfway to Applejack’s mouth when she noticed her friends’ stares. A mere second before the daffodil sandwich reached her waiting lips, she stopped.
“I ain’t apologizing.”
“Oh, no, dear. We aren’t implying you should apologize, though it might not be a bad idea...” Rarity said, trailing off. “It’s all water under the bridge, I suppose. We’re just wondering how this endeared you to so many ponies.”
“No, I’m wondering why we filmed nine seasons of a show about friendship that somehow made ponies more racist!” Twilight shouted. As she crumpled the papers and flung them into a trashcan, Pinkie Pie howled with laughter.
“Wow, AJ, I had no idea you could plan a prank like that! Mailing a confetti bomb to Chancellor Neighsay? That’s comedy gold!”
“Yeah. Confetti bomb,” Applejack muttered while Twilight glared at her. “Would’ve paid a barrel of bits to see the look on his face when he opened it.”
“Um, I don’t think that—” Fluttershy stopped when she saw Rarity shaking her head. Only fiery death lay ahead of that conversation. Taking the hint, Fluttershy took a sip from her drink and moved on. “Well, I’m really mad about the manticore thing, but I guess ponies just thought it was funny. That’s not very nice.”
“Not… very… nice?” Spike replied.
Twilight quickly cut in before he could say any more. “Awful is more like it. What kind of degenerate, inbred, hateful scum thinks this is the best part of our show?”
The rest of the girls shrugged, sighed, or shook their heads, but Spike slowly worked his jaw, dumbstruck. “How do you think everypony gets along—you know, generally? Like, between pegasi, earth ponies, and unicorns?” he asked.
Normally, Twilight would be the first to answer, but all she could offer was a confused stare. Everypony got along, of course. What more was there to say?
“Is this a trick question?” Rainbow Dash said. “’Cause I was never good at those. I’m better at multiple choice.”
“Uh, then how about Choice A,” Spike said, extending his left claw. “Ponies all like each other.”
Dash nodded, offering her full attention.
Stretching out his right claw, he continued, “Or Choice B: earth ponies hate pegasi for using the sky as their bathroom. Pegasi hate unicorns for being so stuck up. Unicorns hate—and I quote—the ‘filthy mud ponies.’ And pretty much everyone wants to genocide the alicorns, except for Princess Luna. Around 83% of ponies have strange sexual urges for her.”
“Wait a second,” Twilight interrupted. “You can’t possibly be serious.”
“No, it’s true. They think it has something to do with all the unexpected wet dreams involving her, but Luna controls dreams, so—”
“Are we still talking about Choice B?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Because I totally got this, it’s Choice C, isn’t it?”
Twilight slammed a hoof into her face. “I—Rainbow, this isn’t a test, there is no Choice C.”
“Nah, I know how this works. There’s four answers, but it’s answer C every time. They kept marking my papers with D’s in school, but that was just to throw me off. The real answer was always C.”
“Sweet Celestia, that explains so much,” Twilight groaned, dragging her face down with a hoof. “Listen, Spike, I know ponies say things, but they don’t mean anything. Nopony actually feels that way; it’s just ignorance.” Looking around at her friends, she continued, “I mean, look at us. None of us feel that way, right?”
Judging by their reactions, the five other mares couldn’t tell if the question warranted a response. It seemed unnecessary to state the obvious, but when Twilight still didn’t say anything, they chimed in with a shared shrug.
“Yeah, I love the interracial stuff in Playcolt.”
“Is it really genocide if it’s only five ponies?”
“I pay other pegasi to pee on Rainbow‘s house.”
“It’s nopony’s fault that they’re born filthy mud-ponies.”
“Ah have unicorn and pegasi friends, don’t I?
Slowly, Twilight tucked her head into her hooves. A deep breath left her lungs, and with it, a piece of her soul.
“So that’s why my house always smells like piss,” Rainbow said.
Futzing with her hair, Fluttershy replied, “I’d stop doing it if you’d bother to check the pond for ducks before going to the bathroom.”
It all made sense now. Twilight finally understood, and the revelation shook her to her core—from the tips of her hooves to her beating heart.
“Applejack killed more than five rabbits in her field when she planted carrots that one year, but we don’t call that genocide. Why do ponies think Alicorns are so special?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Wait, was that the year Mr. Fluffy and his family moved down south?” Fluttershy said.
“Well, I certainly don’t see why unicorns couldn’t be princesses too,” Rarity answered, ignoring Fluttershy. “Alicorns are an aberration of nature if anything, tainted with lesser blood and unnatural magic.”
“Uh, truthfully, they moved more ‘down’ than ‘south,’ sugercube,” Applejack replied to Fluttershy. “Winona gained ‘bout eight pounds that year and dug up half the dang yard burying those bones.”
Years of misunderstandings and inconsistencies came back, like puzzle pieces dumped onto a table. With no photo on the box to reveal the full picture, Twilight could only watch—dumbfounded—as the truth came into view. Numbly, she turned to Spike.
For once, the little dragon knew exactly what was about to happen, and as she turned back to the others, he plugged his ears.
“YOU’RE ALL BUCKING RACISTS!”
A moment before, the café’s door had cracked open, allowing Princess Twilight Sparkle’s tirade to fill the building at max volume. Silently, the waitress set her hoof down, letting the door close before flipping the “open” sign around.
“Do you have even the slightest idea the oppression and social injustice you’re propagating? Why in Tartarus do you think you can get away with saying this stuff? All the lectures about diversity and friendship and tolerance—were you even paying attention?”
“Not gonna lie, I thought those were just to fill a quota for the show or something,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Mmm, that’s what I assumed,” Rarity agreed. “Nopony is that preachy unless they have a scriptwriter from Manehattan, the obnoxious, self-righteous hacks that they are.”
Twilight’s breaths came fast and short as she worked herself further into a frenzy of anger and indignation. “I… I… What am I even the princess of? How you can possibly be okay with hearing each other say things like this?”
The girls exchanged glances, shifted in their seats, fidgeted with their silverware, but said nothing. Pinkie Pie scrunched face and blew one of her curls up while Applejack adjusted her hairband and Fluttershy gently pushed her plate away. Even Rarity and Rainbow Dash—two ponies who were always quick to offer their opinions—didn’t have anything to say.
“Does it matter?”
Whipping her head to the side, Twilight glared at Spike.
“So what if ponies believe a bunch of stupid stuff about each other? It’s not like we can change that. Even if they're wrong, maybe it’s better if we’re still friends anyway,” Spike said.
As Spike finished, Twilight shook furiously, trying to keep it together. If he hadn’t been sitting so far away, she would have slapped him hard enough to leave a mark for weeks—even under his scales. Everything in her raged against the thought of letting this horrible discovery slide as if it was some mundane statistic, simply another fact of life in Equestria.
“Ah’m pretty sure that’s part of your title, being the ‘Princess of Friendship’ and all,” Applejack added. “Probably ought to think before you go accusing ponies of things like that.”
And that was the end of it.
“Aaaagghhhhh!” Scorch marks ripped across Twilight’s seat the moment her horn ignited, teleporting her in a burst of light that left the chair a smoking tangle of wicker and ash.
Fluttershy tilted her teacup back and drained what little liquid was left. “Drama queen.”
The others nodded as Spike slid the burnt seat away from the table, allowing him to pull his chair closer.
“Still, I kinda wonder if she has a point,” Rainbow Dash said. “I never thought about how I treated other ponies until we stopped Nightmare Moon together.”
Picking away at what remained of their plates, the girls allowed the comment to linger.
“Perhaps calling two of my dearest friends ‘filthy mud ponies’ isn’t a behavior I should be so comfortable with,” Rarity mused.
“But you can’t make a cupcake with horse apples and still call it dessert,” Pinkie Pie replied, shrugging. “Why is this any different? It’s not like we’re wrong about this stuff.”
“Alicorns haven’t exactly done anything to improve their reputation,” Spike agreed. “And considering the experience most ponies have with dragons, I guess I can understand that stereotype too.”
“I have peed on a lot of ponies over the years…” Rainbow Dash quietly added.
Fluttershy tapped her hooves together nervously. “Are… are all the mean things ponies believe about each other right?”
Tilting her hat back, Applejack rubbed her forehead and said, “Maybe it ain’t about whether they’re right or wrong.”
“Dear, I appreciate your quaint, ‘down-home,’ country wisdom, but I’m fairly certain it is important in this case.” Rarity replied.
“No, I mean, ugh…” Applejack sighed. “Listen, I can’t say ah regret the things I’ve done—most of ‘em had it coming—but not ‘cause of how nature saw fit to make them. Honest truth is that I just didn’t like them, and ah figured it must have something to do with the stripes on their sides or the wings on their backs or whatever else they had.” Applejack paused while she slowly twirled her spoon around in the soup bowl.
“More and more I’ve seen Applebloom’s friends though, I don’t think ah can say I was seeing things clearly before,” Applejack continued. “Pegasi and unicorns are just ponies, and whether it’s yaks, or dragons, or griffons, or changelings, they’re not much different either. I may not like them or their culture, but that doesn’t mean I hate all of them.”
She had to hold back a hearty laugh before she spoke again. “Buck me to the moon, Applebloom even has a crush on a changeling colt at the friendship school, and I kinda like the fella! I think kids can see more clearly than we do that none of this phooey matters anyway.”
“We are who we are,” Spike said, earning a firm nod from Applejack.
“Well, we did become friends somehow, even if we weren’t totally honest about our feelings,” Rainbow Dash agreed.
“It’s true,” Fluttershy replied. “The more I got to know all of you, the less I thought about whether you were a unicorn or earth pony. You were just my friends, and that’s it.”
“Aw, nothing could ever make me stop being friends with you!” Pinkie Pie, said, pulling everypony around her into a group hug. “But we still hate the alicorns, right?”
“Oh, absolutely. Those prissy show horses can rot in Tartarus,” Rarity said, returning her friends’ embraces. “But I couldn’t agree more with you, Fluttershy. Life would be very different without our friendship. No matter what this new movie is like, at least we’ll be able to watch it together. I can’t believe some writers think they can fix the world’s woes simply by telling such drab stories. Friendship is so much more than that.”
“There’s nothing else like it, and they’ll never be able to take it away,” Spike added. “Who cares if the movie is garbage? We’ll still have each other, and that’s all the entertainment I’ll ever need.”
“But what if it’s like one of those magical filly cartoons where the main character transforms into a superhero when she awakens her true powers,” Rainbow Dash said. “They’ll gather all the magical artifacts, only to realize that the real magic was inside them all along. Then, she’ll sprout ethereal wings and a glowing horn, and maybe she’ll get rainbow mane highlights too.”
A raucous circle of laughter and hugs surrounded Rainbow Dash as the others pulled her tighter and Applejack shook her head.
“That's the stupidest bucking thing ah've ever heard.”
Meanwhile, in the animation studio…
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I'm sorry, this just isn't funny.
This feels less like a story and more like an anti-G5 rant, with the characters acting as the author's mouthpieces rather than their canon selves.
11239661
I've actually enjoyed G5 so far, but I found the initial reactions to the movie's synopsis humorous. Before the movie aired, I recall seeing tons of people worried that Hasbro had gone woke and were going to ruin the brand. From there, I considered how the main cast would react to being told all their progress was being undone in the next series, and what might prompt the studio to make that decision. All of them being obnoxious jerks off-camera (and ponies secretly loving it) is where my twisted mind and lowbrow sense of humor went.
11239659
Eh, not to you, but it's likely you and I don't have a very similar sense of humor. Judging by the like/dislike ratio, this isn't a story suited for Fimfiction, but I don't think it's particularly worse than some of the one-shot comedic s*** I've written before. (Such as this one or this one)
11239676
It would appear I missed the satire then. My apologies.
11239676
The amount of people who dislike this story ratio is really weird to me because I laughed and smiled SEVERAL times throughout the story. Idk why, probably because it felt so much like a drunken rant I would have with my high school buddies, and they would be just as drunk back. Plus it was just... Idk funny. Keep up the good work.
11239676
I'd be really curious to know the age split between the likes/dislikes here. I suspect the likes skew older.
Personally, I got a good kick out of it. I will say I expected something much worse and different from the title and cover though.
11239683
No worries. If you didn't like the story, then you didn't like the story. When it comes to my comedic tales, I almost never keep ponies in-character. I like the juxtaposition of something so cute and innocent with the outlandish and stupid. However, I can understand why people seem to be taking this as some sort of screed against G5—especially since racism is a rather hot topic. Live and learn.
11239684
Some stories on this site simply don't find an audience due to the nature of the story, but I certainly don't regret writing a story that's enjoyable and funny. (IMO)
I appreciate that, as you seem to be one of the few!
Glad I'm not the only one
11239688
It's a possibility, though I'm always willing to acknowledge that my work simply may not resonate with people. I'm not nearly as connected with the readership here as I used to be. Most of what comes through the Featured Box these days doesn't interest me, but there are still tons of people reading those stories, so what do I know.
Just like the good old days, love and tolerate.
11239730
Even I have my limits—I think that might be too much craziness, even for me! Wouldn't mind seeing someone else write it though, lol.
11239676 I wouldn't call those one-shots "comedic shit" seeing as how popular they seem to be.
11239730
11239739
I'd be more than happy to write this!
I initially downvoted this because I saw how many downvotes it has.
I regret that decision and upvoted the fic. I didn't realize it was satire. I like your sense of humor.
Have a follow (and an upvote)!
This was funny! A true "Friendship is Racist" experience, while Twilight is just absolutely done with everything.
And the like/dislike split really is something.
Ah a story perfect for the Read shelf for stories I don't know if I "like".
The concepts interesting and I went into having viewed previous comments so with the foreknowledge that its not just an attack on gen 5. Its not the overall idea that warrants mixed feelings but just certain aspects of it all. Like it feels like Applejack would probably have some pending charges against her with some of the stuff shes done and that was supposed to be only a brush of the outlandish things she pulled. Then there is the fact that everypony is racist but there isn't evidence of it and that seems off. If there was evidence that doesn't get mentioned the polls would be more skewed a racist Equestira would favor their race to an extent logically, granted there is probably leeway to be given in that Applejack would be the most openly and ponys would be drawn to her as a rallying point but still feels off.
I'd say my biggest issue overall is Twilight and it comes in two factors. The first is my biggest issue with things overall and that's that she gets to be the "high horse" when its heavily implied she is abusive to Spike in this universe. This could work if there were some way to preestablish a certain level of hypocrisy from her but as is there is not. At the climax she just judges herself superior and by all accounts it seems like she is genuinely not of the thinking of the others.
The other issue is for any of this work at all Twilight has to be ignorant of it all and that's just pretty unbelievable with how hands on Twilight would have been in some of these situations. I suppose however this could be worked around if Twilight was portrayed as not friendly with Applejack.
The story is presented in away that major events are true to canon. The logistics of that are dubious but workable. Its stated that fighting off Nightmare Moon really bonded them and Twilight is a princess who most likely ascended. I'll assume the show got picked up after the NM incident and the pilot was a scripted retelling followed by an actual reality show where cameras are just always around after that.
So Twilight would have to be aware of Applejack's misadventures and possibly have to clean up after them. It could still be reasoned she would have AJ in her circle of friends based on being a bearer of harmony but it just feels off for her to actively be friendly and then get all uppity about it like its news to her.
I gave the story a Thumbs Up though because I don't think its a bad story or a bad concept. I'm just meh about enough things I can't say it was good.
I am amused but I have a very sick sense of humor.
11239782
Do it. DO IT! (Also, I appreciate the encouragement, but I refer to the stories as s*** because they're intentionally ridiculous lowbrow nonsense. Personally, I think they're pretty funny, and I certainly didn't slack off while writing them.)
11239796
I appreciate that you gave it a second look! Thank you for being open-minded and upvoting/following.
11239797
If you ask me, it's an achievement. I've finally written something that actually makes people think, "Wow, I think I may actually hate this author." Regardless, I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
11239811
That's wwaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy more thought than I put into it. Still, I appreciate the upvote!
However, if I had to think things through, I'd probably say that:
This was like a weird fever dream from start to finish. The meta satire is top-tier.
Feelsgoodman.
11239840
Satire is definitely the wrong genre to post on Fimfiction, but I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it, lol.
Never let the dream die, my friend!
I came and saw the ratio is 26-26
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
11239848
Guess this story isn't going to make it into the Featured Box, then. Pretty sure the ratio needs to be positive for that to happen.
Oh, well. Where it really belongs is with me, in the trash. lol
11239851
Wait hold up. It's 27-26 in favor of likes.
Why’d you stop there?
11239858
I think one of the upvotes is mine, so it may not count. I need MOAR. (But not really. I've already had stories Featured before, and I write for fun, not for recognition. I just think it'd be hilarious if a top story was about G5 being purposefully racist because of Applejack)
11239861
It seemed like the best place to end the joke, and Rainbow Dash's comment is actually a spoiler for the new film. Hopefully you've already seen it, but if not, I just spoiled the last scene. Sorry!
11239698
True. Mind, G4 tried to dabble in the same topic in later seasons- emtomophobia was shown to rampant in Equestria, for instance.
dude tbh I have three nieces and only 1 of em remotely likes Rainbow Dash. 3/4 of us dislikes Fluttershy and 2/4 of us have Applejack as our faves. my nephew, on the other hoof, is a depressed Pinkie stan because he relates.
I like this story, also I'm surprised you didn't make a joke about Applejack's song "Racist barn, racist barn, 1234"
This was one of those unique little stories that you really just need to read for yourself.
A good satirical piece of dark humor.
11239838
The idea of a reality show [especially one called friendship is magic]based around pre pilot Twilight doesn't make sense. She's reclusive and only into studying magic it would never get greenlit for anything.
Like I said blind hypocrisy is fine just sort of needs to feel established
I for one would sellout anyone i knew to be doing that kind of stuff. But thats not the point. For some of Applejacks actions to fail [the bomb specifically but racewars to if there were actually attempts instead of just being brought up] dont exactly fail unless some ponys find out. I can admit this may just be me being a nit bitpicky.
This is kind of what i was trying to say at one point Applejack being a rallying point but i think it would make most sense if the rest of the pole was more evenly split by race with Rarity having a halfish of remaining votes signifying unicorns support her, Shy and Dash splitting the pegaus vote but in favor of Shy to imply some bigotry at Dash. Pinkie gets shafted by not being as racist as AJ. Then Twilight getting less votes than AJ in the other poll to siginify everyone hates Alicorns [except Luna goddess of wet dreams.] I just feel like it would reflect and justify the world building.
Also this might be an important note idk but I had been awake for like 30+ hours when I read this and commented my review so take that for what you want. After sleep and this discussion I'm feeling a bit more like i lean towards genuinely liking this story but I'm still gonna leave it where it lies on my bookshelf of uncertainty.
Unrelated but i also read the story about Starlight and Spike you had mentioned truly fabulous.
11240002
Most cartoons tend to tackle prejudice as a more general subject, rather than delving into specifics. I find that approach works best, rather than trying to tie it too closely with what it represents. Being hateful is bad, regardless of the reasons why, so using changelings was a good choice for the writers.
11239818
Glad you enjoyed it!
11240033
The poll numbers don't line up anywhere close to how the fandom actually feels, trust me. lol.
As a general rule, I don't like puns. There are times where they're genuinely funny, but that has more to do with comedic timing than the quality of the pun. (In my opinion) However, that is a pretty hilarious one you have there!
11240064
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!
11240088
Eh, if you're being nipicky about a story entirely reliant upon comedy, that means the jokes didn't land for you. It seems you're not the only case where that happened, so I have no grounds to say that you're wrong or "just don't get it." You were looking for a more consistent world-building and characterization. I did not provide that. It's a fair criticism, and I appreciate that you communicated it to me.
However, I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed Starlight Buries a Stick in the Mud! Though it never made the Featured Box, I think that's probably my best comedic story,
11240119
The joke lands and I find it funny its just that even in a work of satire I'm somehow tethered to suspension of disbelief, that's probably a personal problem now that i think about it.
11240125
Interesting. Perhaps I have the two (storytelling and comedy) more separated in my mind. With comedic writing—whether writing it or reading it—I tend to disregard most of my usual storytelling concerns. As long as the joke is funny and it doesn't detract from the rest of the humor, it's fine. In my stories, satire tends to be something I hit on tangentially rather than intentionally and consistently, so looking for deeper themes in my work is often a fool's errand. Something like Gulliver's Travels manages both satire and storytelling much more deftly.
I essentially min-max my efforts to focus exclusively on humor. Not a great strategy, perhaps, but one I prefer for writing fiction about colorful ponies.
11240171
I've never actually read Gulliver's Travels so I don't know anything about that. But I just looked at what else is in the Read bookshelf and I think its 4 satire pieces. I may have a problem I didn't recognize before.
Beyond that I have to agree there is no no right or wrong way to write about colorful ponies, well as long as your intentions aren't solely based in getting recognition that I imagine can be be formulated so that certain things are right or wrong but I'm straying again.
Above all though I'm very happy I read this story mostly because more than reading or writing stories I enjoy getting to talk about stories and this conversation has been very enjoyable but its probably reached its teetering point where there's nothing more about the story to be discussed. Until next time [I do hope there will be a next time] fare thee well and enjoy those special dreams Luna sees fit to bestow upon you.
I just realized that the reason Pinkie Pie is smiling while reading the script is probably because there aren't any mentions of alicorns.
11239782
Yes, I want to see Spikey kiss Rarity's cutesy wootsy face!
Dragon Pegasus breathing fire doing a Rainboom? Awesome!
Discord get back in the shed! I'm not done with you! Please I want cute little baby fluffy bunnies
Spike . . . I should of fixed him when he was a dog
Can't fix what's not broke 
Woof
Scribes at the ready "Twilight awoke one stormy night..."
11240468
Well, he's fucked.
I thought I wasn't going to like it, but I did, and read it all the way to the end. This isn't bad, and I like the criticism and jabs at both G5 and the fandom perception of the FIM characters.
It didn't have me rolling on the floor, but I liked it, and that's good.
This explains... SO MUCH, about my dreams, damnit LUNA
11243746
Glad you enjoyed it
11252601
Such highly inappropriate behavior for a princess! I hope she doesn't stop...
11252680
Me either
With the logic of the season nine writing I am not terribly surprised. Good story
11254047
Yeah, though I've enjoyed pretty much everything MLP-related, Season 9 wasn't the strongest narratively. Regardless, I'm glad you liked the story!
An interesting story for lack of better words.
I will freely admit that when I saw some of the early artwork releases for G5, I was worried that it was going to be a cheap rehash of G4. I am VERY glad that it's not.
I don't exactly like some of the extreme stunts AJ pulled, and I don't entirely like the idea of Twilight being abusive. She can be strict, short-tempered, maybe even a tad hypocritical, but actively abusive not so much.
All that said, I firmly believe that Equestria is FAR from utopic in terms of equality, tolerance, etc. Just look at how quickly Cozy Glow and company split the tribes with a few whispered words of malicious gossip. The unification was a band-aid and generations of peace/prosperity a balm, but the metaphorical wounds never fully healed.
G4 as a whole was imperfect, it had it's good moments, and it had some pretty sucky moments as well. I blame some of that on what I tend to phrase "too many cooks syndrome".
G5 thus far has been treading a pretty solid "mediocre/slightly above average" rating, at least with MYM. With only one TYT it's a little early to say. The movie was a lot of fun, but now that I think about it, perhaps it set a little too high of standards for the actual show.
I sometimes come back to see story and try to understand why people dislike it so much and I think I got it. The idea was solid and great but since there was no AU tag it was hard for people to see this cast of characters as flanderization. The general idea was absolutely done well in my opinion but I think what keeps getting people is the concept or portrayal of how this is seen more of hate of the movie. That's just what I'm thinking is the issue, again good story but an AU tag might've helped things a bit.
11318691
That's an interesting take, and I can see where you're coming from. For me, the "AU" tag is meant more for stories where the universe itself is altered or deviates from canon, which I didn't intend for this story to do. Regardless, I appreciate the insight and I’m pleased to hear you think the story’s concept was executed well.
11310082
I’m really not sure where G5 will land in the greater scheme of things. So far, it hasn’t had a “wow, this is why I’m a brony” moment. G4 had highs and lows, but so far G5 has felt like a slowly downward trending line. I doubt it will ever reach a point where I’m unwilling to watch it, but I find myself less and less excited to watch it—which in my mind is the greatest loss. I really like pony. I have for years. The thought that new content is being produced, yet it no longer excites me, is sad.
11318736
Well this is why it's critical that we keep creating art and stories. And If you need reading material I'd be happy to share some of my own work or give recommendations.
That being said, if you are truly tired of pony or have a bad experience with some of the more problematic fans, absolutely NO pressure, several of my favorite writers on this site left within the past 6-12 months because of the self-called "TRUE fans"/hatedom/nazi-bronies/etc.