• Member Since 25th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday


Teacher, short story writer and VNovel storyboard leader. Please forgive any faulty grammar you may find in my page/stories/blogs; English is my third language and I'm still struggling to master it.


"It has been the pivotal teaching of the great Fountainhead, personal mentor and Celestia's most esteemed archivist, that the grand unified theory of magic, if discovered, is to be found within the mage's affectivity –that is; of the polarizing impetus of love, for unicorn magic, and hate, for Black Magic. It is claimed, further, that reality itself, too, is subject to this principle; and to deny so was self-contradictory. The dogma, however was not uncontested. Unicorns, Mages and Archmages from all over Equestria of all emotional preconditions would challenge and confute the thesis with ease. It was here that the great Fountainhead replied that the grand unified principle was too profound to be felt and too minute to be perceivable. He posits that, though invisible, this maxim holds together the fabric of the universe: matter with magic; existence with consciousness; dreams with reality; and–most significant of all–ourselves with one another."

-Starswirl the Bearded, "Hermeneutical Phenomenology of Pre-Classical Metaphysics", Royal Canterlot Archives (323 L.B.), p. iii-iv


EDIT 04/16/13: Remastered version coming soon! Grammatically sound, split into several chapters and improvised.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 117 )

This is my very first fanfic and my first attempt at writing Sci-Fi/Fantasy and fight scenes.
I know there is a lot of rough edges to be polished due to my lack of editors (though I know this isn't an excuse).
All constructive criticisms are welcome, but please bear in mind that this is my first attempt with this genre.
I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I have enjoyed writing it.


62,610 word. My jaw just hit the floor. Wow, that is an incredibly impressive wordcount for your first fanfic ever! I can't wait to read, the thesis like description seems like it has a ton of potential.


Lol, 61k words.

You should have made this a multi chapter story. Oh, well.


Hory shiet so many words! This would be better to read for me to put it to three chapters for 20k words but ok... I think, I'm going to take a look at it later ;]

Prepare your body, 61k chapter.

*See's new story on the main page with an intriguing summary.*
*Clicks title for more info.*
*See's word count after reading story summary*


Welp, so much for sleep. (It's 11:50 right now, by the way).
Also, over 61,000, all crammed into the first chapter alone? JEEZ, man, if you had incorporated the epilogue into that, that would be considered one heck of a one-shot.
I. Am. DEFINITELY! Going to read this.

Should I read this? I have no idea.

While the description is very eye catching and your author's note respectable, I do not read stories if I have no idea what they are about.

I know it's a dark and tragic sci-fi/fantasy, taking place in the canon universe and involving some action. Starring primarily Twilight and Pinkie, with mane 6 involvement and additional minor show characters. And that, based on the title and description quote, it likely relates to theoretical scientific advancement.

None of this tells me whether I will actually enjoy it.

The genre is expected. Pretty much every single FiM fic has either a fantasy or sci-fi setting.
The characters are mostly irrelevant to what the story is actually about.
And the Tragedy and Dark tags, barring others, actually makes me want to avoid this story. The only thing that might override this aversion would be a more ground level synopsis of the plot, if said information provided enough intrigue to overlook the apparent negativity implied.

I am almost tempted to spoil the story, but I kinda don't wanna, so I'll give a vague summary. Be warned this summary has a lot of holes in it; The story was so long I ended up skimming it mostly.

Twilight Sparkle is dabbling in Black Magic to revive her dead friend Surprise (apparently the Element of Laughter before Pinkie Pie or something like that; don't worry I didn't get it initially either). In the process she does some horrid stuff and basically brings about the Apocalypse to Equestria. I'm leaving out everything in between so you can find out for yourself.


Yeah, actually my bad for not investigating the short description: "Twilight Sparkle resorts to Black Magic in an attempt to bring back Surprise."

Surprising (heh) how much information a single sentence imparts compared to a whole paragraph.

Oh well, at least I now know that the plot of this story does not interest me.


Well, at least you didn't get your mental image of Twilight Sparkle completely fragged and confusified.

Yes, I know that was gibberish, but whatever.


Oh plenty of fics have done that for me already.
I just tend to only read things that cater to my own interests.

um... 61k words? yeah this isn't getting read right now. I will put it in Read Later though.

Story had some very good ideas but your biggest flaw is putting it all in one chapter. That could have easily been split into many chapters and that wold improve the reading experience.

Thank you for the feedback and the fave.:twilightsmile:
The primary reason why I forced the whole story to a single chapter, aside from the Epilogue, was my attempt to give the story that prologue feel; i.e. for the Friendship is Magic canon. Whether I succeded on that objective remains to be seen. Admittedly, I didn't think it would bother the community too much considering how avid readers everyone is; I guess that was a miscalculation on my part. :twilightblush:


I know that I must read this story eventually, but that word-count...

I am so scared!:fluttershbad:


I saw your reasoning but... chapters, please. Like this its just...unwieldy, and scaring away many potential readers.

Somehow, the only thing that affected me emotianally much at all was the scene where twilight comes back calling herself Ptolemy. That image somehow... i dont know what im feeling, but ive been feeling very confused/unsettled/other/indescribable for an hour now and its not going away... and its 3.30 in the morning here, how am i supposed to sleep now?

That.... That was awesome. Pure, awesome, with a dash of epicness on the side. One of the best stories I have ever read, and I have read a LOT of stories. This is going to my number 1 Favorite story spot and I very highly doubt it will ever be removed from that spot. :heart:

I don't care how long it was. This was one of the most compelling and beautiful stories I've ever read. There some grammar/language issues here and there, but it was overall excellent!! I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiesad2:

AH! So you've reached the same conclusions I have!

Read it in one sitting. Marvellous, but also a new reminder why I really shouldn't read anything with a tragedy tag. Damn.

Nopony is going to read this. The description tells us nothing about what the story's actually about, and the huge wordcount is going to turn off a lot of people.

I'm reading through this. It's good so far, there are a few tense errors, but it's a good read.

I'm having a little trouble getting into the story though. Why have you randomly replaced Pinkie Pie with Surprise? I know nothing about previous MLP generations, but Surprise is often a 'previous version' of Pinkie. It's a little confusing, and I'm waiting for an explanation in the story.

Thank you very much for the comment.
The short description of the story is "Twilight resorts to Black Magic in an attempt to bring back Surprise."
As far as the description is concerned, I know that leaving out the plot runs the risk of the reader staggering blindly in confusion and trying to make sense of the what seems to be the senseless. However, for the overall purpose of the story, I thought that it would be best to give as little as possible for the sake of the ending which would, hopefully, resolve all lingering questions.

I would very much like your feedback after finishing the story. Thank you. :raritywink:


Then you should really break up this story into separate chapters. A 60,000 word chapter is just to long. A novel's length is 50,000 words. You don't put a novel length work in one chapter. No person wants to sit at a computer for that long just to read one thing, and its not like it is a book where you can save your spot. Do yourself and your readers a favor and break it up.

That. Was. Awesome. Seriously, I spent all day reading this it was great! :yay:

Hopefully This Time Twilight will stay away from the black magics. :facehoof:

You asked me to leave a comment when I finished this, but I really don't know what to say.

It's huge. Vast. Intricate. Sad. Happy.

How do you even write something so complicated? How does it all congeal so well?

I loved it. It took me two sittings to read, but bah. It's beautiful. The first half made me feel sad and empty, and the sheer brutality and -I don't want to spoil anything, you know- just made me yearn for a happy ending.

The end was sad and wonderful at the same time. I teared up a little. It's almost bittersweet.

There were a lot of errors. A few sentences I had no idea what you were trying to say. It's not really a huge problem though.

Thank you for writing this. :heart:

I'm not sure I understand the significance of the name Ptolemy though. What did I miss?

This looks very well written, bar the occasional error. You can tell a story is being told here. The introduction itself reminds me a lot of Three Magicks. The others speak sense though, sixty thousand words in once chapter?! You're scaring away readers. Please break it up into easy to digest chapters :pinkiehappy:

Thank you very much for giving me your feedback. I highly appreciate it! :scootangel:

The reason why I made Twilight call herself Ptolemy was to indicate her final choice to fully succumb to Black Magic. I chose Ptolemy as a reference to Claudius Ptolemy, the ancient Greek astrologist who posited the geocentric theory; i.e. that Earth is the center of the universe. Twilight Sparkle did exactly just that by being the fulcrum and the pivot point where the "new universe" was created and based.

1329882 I totally agree! There are enough cuts in the story that chapters are pretty much already set up, so it would be no big deal to go through and do exactly that :)


Funny, I thought you were referencing the Ptolemy family of ancient Egypt. You know, Cleopatra and all that.


What... what is wrong with me? Am I... am I actually crying? Dear god man, what... how... I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A HEARTLESS VOID DAMNIT!!!
I'm sorry yo, I just need a minute.

I'm not joking here. Like seriously. I've felt disturbed after reading some stories. I've felt sad after others. A rare few have almost managed a tear. But this... THIS? I actually fucking cried.

62,610 words? Magnificent job bro. First time writing? You have a talent for this. This story is, at the least, on par with Eternal, in my opinion. And just for the record, I felt only sad after reading Eternal.

63K works in one sitting? Yeah, I love reading that damn much. Think it took me like an hour or something.
And to repeat Pokey the Unicorn's sentiments, this story was a work of art. Fucking beautiful bro. Don't stop writing, EVER.

Jeez man, 63K for your first story alone?! Dear god, think how long your future stories will be.

All hats off to my friend. I read this in one sitting and crap IS...IT...AMAZING!!!

Sedulously this is one of the best stories I have ever read, I highly anticipate more from you!

OK. The story line was good, if confusing until the very end.

Someday, you may consider a re-write. Break it up into chapters, fix the tense problems (you keep switching back and forth between past and present).

That aside... wow.

Oh God, my feels have feels. I can't stop crying. Bravo sir. Now I will go to a corner and cry for a couple days.

Wow. This is an excellent piece of work. I have to think a while just on how to properly comment on it.

This is one of the best fics I've ever read.

If you ever wanted an example of the worst-case scenario for letting grief get away from you.....

As I understand it, Ptolemy tapped into the unlimited power source that was Surprise (V2.0) to either travel back in time or create an alternate universe where Surprise, now Pinkie Pie, grew up on a rock farm instead of in Cloudsdale. All this so that Twilight would not kill Surprise / Pinkie Pie and start using Black Magic.
The storytelling was fine, but the plot is lacking. Why didn't Twilight simply explain the situation to her friends and mentor? Why not travel back in time / create an AU where all references to black magic have been destroyed? For an intelligent being with unlimited power, Twilight was being awfully uncreative.


First of all, I would like to thank you very much for the comment and the time you have taken to read Ptolemy.

1. Yes, your understanding of the main general plot was correct. Let me just clarify that Twilight created an alternate new universe and did not went back in time (as time travel does not change the eventual outcome, as we have seen in season 2 episode 20).

2. I find the "Let's all put our differences aside and talk" a very weak and rushed literary device. It could be applied to every fiction to resolve all major conflicts but you wouldn't have much of a plot (Imagine Lelouche in Code Geasse explaining his grand plan until everyone agrees). In addition, having been accused of killing Surprise, inflicting self-exile, almost going insane, murdering Spike and Rarity, and eventually destroying Ponyville, I doubt anypony alive will want to listen to her explanation: "Hello everypony. I'm gonna kill you all and cause the death of the universe. But don't worry, I'll make a new one where we're all happy."

3. Alright, I have a major fault in this one for not having explained it in the fic fully, I have only implied it and hoped that the reader would piece everything together. It was very presumptious and conceited of me to think that all readers would pay as much attention to detail as I did. I will explain it now.
Reading Fountainhead's quotation in the description agai, he theorizes that even the universe is a product of the subconscious (i.e. emotions). In the fic, Twilight mentions to Spike that the spell Corporatio is her soul given substance; and that the structure of the newy formed matter made is determined by an Element of Harmony and the caster's own subconscious (Twilight uses the term "projection") or image of what is beng formed, in this case Surprise v.2.0. This is why Surprise did not come out as a white coated pegasus with golden mane, Twilight's image of her has been deformed in addition to the fact that was made to a container of large amounts of bio-energy. Now, you might be asking, why in Celestia's name did Twilight make Surprise into a bomb and didn't just add her into the new universe? Two reasons: 1.) She needed an almost unlimited amount of bio-energy to recreate the universe and 2.) She needed Surprise's subconscious projection of the universe. That's right, the bio-energy was from Surprise and the form was from Surprise. Which means that the filly Surprise created the new universe. Which means that the Friendship is Magic canon is structured from Pinkie Pie's subconscious!
This is why, by the end, Twilight explains that the best possible world, a world of happiness, can only come from Surprise.

I would like to thank you again Professor Whooves for pointing out your observations and for giving me the opportunity to explain the implications of the details of the plot. I hope I was able to answer your questions. I will consider the points you have made in the upcoming remastered version of Ptolemy. Hopefully, when that is publish, I would be able to recieve generous insight once again.



In response to your novel explaining the plot details in 'Ptolemy' (I know, necessary, but it was a bit winded), I wholeheartedly agree with most of what you said. Your point that, after basically killing Surprise and directly killing Spike and Rarity, nopony would want to listen to Twilight's deranged ideas (:pinkiecrazy:) is absolutely correct.

I do take issue with you stating that Twilight "almost went insane," if for no other reason than she actually lost it, not almost.

I also think it's worth pointing out that this could be considered an exploration of the deepest pits we can go to when we never find a constructive way to deal with grief. 'Ptolemy' is a great commentary on that.

On your 2nd point, you were spot on. Positing the age-old idea of "practice tolerance long enough to talk diplomatically" is archaic and has no place in high literature, which--I can guarantee you--this would be considered were it not a fan fiction. I know, it's unfair, but fanfics aren't generally thought of as being worth the toilet paper some people seem to think they were written on.

Diplomacy is a great real-world idea, but in a compelling story, you can't resort to it, and I applaud you for not doing so.

On the 3rd point (or the novella), we reach an explanation on why a carbon copy of Surprise didn't appear. You did a superb job of defending this point, and again, I applaud you. The existentialist idea that the universe is a construct of the human subconscious is as old and compelling as dreams themselves. Ever since we can remember, people have wondered to some degree if they are merely dreaming about their lives, if they will soon wake up as an infant or young child. That very idea is well-explored here in a very literal sense; that Pinkie Pie's subconscious (copied from Surprise's, of course) became the blueprint for this new universe Twilight created.

In other words, for artists and criminal psychologists, the construct of the universe was something of Surprise's signature--the one thing about it that was almost unnecessary, but identified it as being theirs exclusively.

All in all this is a ridiculously well-constructed defense of your ideas, and I give you a metaphorical standing ovation for the intelligence with which it was written. While there were some plot holes here and there, you did a fantastic job of outlining the basic concept referring us, the readers, to the design of said plot in order for us to decipher it should we wish to.

Might I suggest a plot summary somewhere? Possibly as either a prologue or an author's note at the end (after the epilogue)?

In the end, Twilight arrives at the conclusion that a beautiful world can only exist with or from Surprise herself. This is brilliant and true. The world we see in the show is very conducive to the idea of complete harmony among ponies, and only a mind like Surprise's could achieve that, from what I see and read.

I hope this answers a few more questions, and good luck in your future endeavors!!


Professor Whooves,

In my own, condensed response to your queries, I stand by much of what Wellspring said. Refer to the epic trilogy above for my word on most of his statements.

I will say this, though: time travel is an unreliable and random science, or form of magic, if you will. Changing the past can only create another inevitable future. If Twilight had destroyed all references to Black Magic, she might have been the unicorn to discover it. In preventing Surprise's death, we would be left, literally, with no story and no reason to be here reading this and having a civilized discussion on the story's merits.

That's not to say that there weren't issues. There were, and Wellspring realizes that. It's why he's having it remastered.

In response to your idea about diplomatic discussion with friends/mentor, there is a major problem with that: Black Magic is illegal in Equestria. If Twilight admitted that, not only did she study and use it, but that said study/use was directly responsible for Surprise's death, Princess Celestia would have no choice but to imprison her for the study of a forbidden art and murder. At the time that Surprise died, it appears that Twilight was not powerful enough in Black Magic to escape, so she would have rotted. So much for diplomacy.

In effect, Twilight was amazingly resourceful. She found in herself the power and courage to do what she felt was necessary to make the world a brighter place by, somehow, bringing Surprise back. It was very creative on her part to think of generating an entire universe based on Surprise's personality and subconscious. Would you have thought of that?

All jokes aside, Wellspring did leave some juicy details out, and you kindly pointed them out. Thank you for giving us this opportunity to chat :pinkiehappy:

With all regards,
Schizoid Nightfall

P.S. I kind of want to split this into chapters now lul.

This needs a competent proofreader to go through it with a fine comb. I can tell there's good stuff here, but I keep tripping over errors and it's ruining the whole thing for me.


I'm not sure, but I think Season 3 Episodes 1 & 2 can be said to have proven to display that magic is indeed split into Unicorn & Black magics.

And upon thinking over my previous statement, I find myself exceedingly terrified.

I almost had it though. In the remastered version of Ptolemy I might change Black Magic to Dark Magic for consistency's sake. And Twilight Sparkle using Dark Magic was completely badass. :rainbowlaugh:

By the way, how's Shenanigans -Aftershock coming along. Can't wait to read it. :pinkiehappy:


Work on my own fic is sporadic. (Chapter Number - ARC - Chapter Name)

I don't always make a comment this long, but when I do, it's because this deserves it.


I was able to finish it in a single read. Almost exactly 8 hours. Your story is truly fitting the tags you have chosen. I am rather new to fanfics, so my words about how much this story is good won't have the same value as from the older, experienced users. Still, one fine good job.

As for the many times mentioned 60k words and chapter problem, I had no problem with it. Your story was so catching that there was no need for chapters - it would only delay me from reading.

Still, I had to admire that the ending was predictable. Or maybe predictable is not a good word. It was something I hoped for with all my strength. The story screamed for an ending like this . You put all the ponies through so great pain that the ending has to be exactly the same as you have used. Another thing that made me believe that this ending of yours had to take place was Twilight's actions. There is no absolute evil. There are only those, who strives for the good, using the paths which seems like an evildoing to us. Also - when there is no one who can remember the past, did it really happen? When there was no one to observe some act, did the act took place?

What I find very amusing is the fact that these characters are from the show meant for 8 years old girls and you transformed them into the epic scale heroes and villains.

I am not native English speaker, nor I consider my English anyhow awesome, so I don't care that much about the proper grammar. I am seeking the artist value - and in this story, I found it to be the ultimate one.

You, sir, through your hard work and fantasy have earned my honest like and favour. Thanks.

PS: I still hate you for what you have done to Rarity, Fluttershy and everypony else. Sometimes, all is not well, even if it ends well, if you know the path that led to that end.

The feels man, right in the feels:fluttercry:

Oh btw only took me an hour to read which means 1000k+ words a minute which means .....150+ words a second? Wtf?......im scarey

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