Something Hateful This Way Comes
"There's a storm coming." ― Sarah Conner
“It is when you are angry that you must watch how you talk.” ― Chaim Potok
"Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them." ― Euripides
Chapter 1: Something Hateful This Way Comes
Twilight Sparkle was trotting through Ponyville, enjoying the fresh air on a bright sunny morning. After a long night of studying Twilight decided to take a break from reading to see what her friends were up to. Earlier she had already visited Rarity to see if she wanted to hang out, but she was too busy with a big order that she regrettably declined. She then went to see her good friend Pinkie Pie who was also too busy because she was helping out with the Cakes for a party.
“I’m sooo very sorry, Twilight,” she said. “I really want to hang out, but the Cakes are a little behind because the babies were keeping them up all night so they’re a little exhausted. That’s why I’m helping them out by making some delicious sweets for the party the Cakes are going to."
Twilight was feeling a little sad from hearing this, but Pinkie said, “Come by later today and we’ll have such a fun time.”
So now Twilight is walking around thinking of what to do next, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were both too busy to hang out. I guess it can’t always be as slow at their jobs as it is at the library. She then thinks about whom she should see next.
Knowing the time, Applejack would be hard at work on the farm so I doubt she’ll be available and nopony has seen Rainbow Dash so most likely she is probably taking a nap somewhere in the clouds like she always does.
Running down the names on her mental list there was only one pony left that she hasn’t tried yet Fluttershy. Now with a destination in mind Twilight hurried to Fluttershy’s cottage near the edge of the Everfree Forest to see her kind friend and see how’s she’s been.
Upon arriving at Fluttershy’s cottage she noticed that none of Fluttershy's animal friends were seen.
“That’s weird, usually whenever I come by to see Fluttershy, her animals are always around.” As Twilight looks around she noticed that she couldn’t see one animal, she also noticed how quiet it was. There were no birds singing, no squirrels running through the trees, no bunnies hopping around, no chickens pecking, it was as if there was not one living thing around. Feeling cautious Twilight walked up to Fluttershy’s door wondering if maybe she knew what was going on with the animals. Upon knocking the door Twilight heard a quiet shriek from the inside of the cottage. She knocked again this time she called out to her friend.
“Fluttershy, it's me, Twilight,” she said. Then she waited for a reply which only took a few seconds.
“Twilight….. Is it really you?” Her voice was so quiet that Twilight could only hear her with her ear pressed on the door.
“Yes it’s me Fluttershy, why don’t you open the door so we can talk.”
Upon hearing her response, Fluttershy opened the door to greet her friend. Once the door was open, Twilight walked into the cottage and closed the door behind her. Twilight looked at Fluttershy and noticed that she was shaking. "Fluttershy are you alright? You seem to be shaking quite a lot.”
“Oh…. I’m fine really, nothing to be worry about.” Her shaking was slowly going away.
“Are you sure? Is there is anything I can do to help?”
“Oh yes, I am perfectly fine, no need to be concern,” she replied with a kind smile.
Twilight decided not to pursue further now that it seems that whatever was going on with Fluttershy is gone for the moment. She then asked her another question, “I noticed when I got to your house that none of your animal friends were around and I was wondering if you knew what was going on with that?”
Fluttershy’s smile faded and she gave the concerned unicorn a sad look before responding, “They're gone now, but they’ll be back………. eventually.”
“Why did they leave? I thought they were happy here, did they all move away? ”
Fluttershy shook her head, “Oh no no no, they didn’t move away at all. They’re really happy living here, it’s just... now they're just scared and that’s why they all left but they’ll come back in time.”
Twilight now curious said, “What do you mean scared? What scared them away?”
“Because of the-”
Before she had time to finish her sentence a loud BOOM that sounded like thunder came out of nowhere and caught the two mares off guard. Fluttershy gave out a loud scream and hid under a table shaking just as she was when Twilight first saw her. The boom only lasted a few seconds before fading out, Twilight walked over to the table where Fluttershy was cowering, patted her head, and gave her a look that was saying don’t worry everything is going to be alright.
Once Fluttershy was feeling fine she crawled out from under the table and said to Twilight with a smile, “Thank you Twilight, I’m feeling a lot better now.”
Twilight now feeling happy that she was able to cheer up her friend. “It was nothing, I’m guessing your animal friends ran away because of that loud boom, am I right?”
Fluttershy simply looked down and nodded.
“I’m also guessing that the loud boom was the reason why you were shaking when I got here too?”
Again Fluttershy gave a simple nod and then replied in a soft voice, “I’m afraid of thunder.”
Twilight gave out a sigh knowing that practically anything scares Fluttershy, but she’d be lying if she said that the sound of thunder doesn’t scare her every once in a while. Upon realizing the thought Twilight gave a puzzled look and said, “That’s weird I could have sworn that I didn’t see any thunder clouds when I walked over here.”
To confirm her suspicions she looked out the window and saw nothing but blue skies. To get a better look Twilight went outside to see where in the sky the sound could be coming from, upon looking at the sky all around her Twilight saw that not one cloud was seen. Now confused Twilight couldn’t understand what was going on, she was lost in thought that she didn’t noticed that Fluttershy was standing next to her until she spoke.
“The thunder isn’t coming from here, it’s coming from there,” her hoof pointing to the Everfree Forest.
Twilight looked above the Everfree Forest to see the source of the loud boom, but because Fluttershy’s cottage was too close to the forest and Twilight was at ground level she couldn’t see much. Disappointed Twilight groaned and said, “I can’t see anything from here. I wish I could see from a higher angle.”
Fluttershy hearing Twilights request responded, “Um... I know I’m not that strong, but if you want I could fly you up there so you can get a better look? If you don’t want to that’s fine.”
Hearing her response Twilight said, “Fluttershy you’re a genius, let’s do it.” Fluttershy flew above Twilight; she then grabbed her by the waist and said, “Hold on,” followed by grunt.
As Fluttershy started flapping her wings harder the two ponies were lifted off the ground. Finally we're getting somewhere as the two ponies were getting higher and higher from the ground. Twilight then noticed how slow they were going and she also saw how hard Fluttershy’s wings were flapping and the look on her face was showing exhaustion. Twilight then made a mental note for herself to read later, the note said: After this is all over I’m going on a diet. Eventually the two ponies were finally high enough to get a better view of the Everfree Forest, that was when Twilight saw what the cause of the loud boom was. The source was coming from a big storm cloud hovering above a clearing deep in the Everfree Forest. As if to confirm her mental statement a lightning bolt struck from the cloud followed by a loud boom. The sound startled Fluttershy, which caused her to stop flapping her wings and soon the two ponies started falling back towards earth.
About halfway down Fluttershy realized what had happened and started flapping her wings harder than ever before. Eventually they started falling slower and slower until they safely landed back on the ground. Afterwards Fluttershy continuously apologized for what happened, Twilight forgave her thanking Celestia that no one got hurt. Now that the source of the thunder had been found Twilights next step is to investigate this storm cloud to get more information about it.
“Stay here I’ll be right back.” said Twilight to Fluttershy “I’ll come back as soon as I find out more about this mysterious cloud.”
Fluttershy gave out a simple “okay” before Twilight headed into the Everfree Forest.
The Everfree Forest is a mysterious place filled with danger around every corner. Nopony ever goes there because of the numerous strange creatures that lived there, the only reason Twilight ever goes was to visit her friend Zecora who lives in the forest. As Twilight kept walking deeper and deeper to the forest she lost track of time, since because the trees block out the sun there was no way to tell how much time has passed. What might have been hours could only have been a few minutes. Twilight knew she was getting closer because the sound of thunder was getting louder and louder, she kept walking until finally she reached the clearing to which she looked up and now got a better look at the mysterious cloud.
It was a lot bigger than it was when she saw it from the edge of the Everfree Forest, she also noticed that the cloud hadn’t moved from its spot since it was still over the clearing. Unlike the clouds in Ponyville the clouds of the Everfree Forest didn’t need a pegasus to move around since they can move on their own which was not natural at all. Upon looking more into the detail of the cloud Twilight realized something, This isn’t just a cloud, it’s a house!
Sure enough with careful examination Twilight was positive that the mysterious cloud was really a house. Just like how Rainbow Dash's home is made of white clouds this house seems to be made of storm clouds. With that statement Twilight concluded that whoever lives in that house must be a pegasus. Twilight called out to whoever was up there hoping to have a talk with whomever lived there.
“Hello, is anypony up there?” she waited for a response but after a while no one answered. She called out again this time with a louder voice. “Anypony there?” again no answer, she tried again even louder than before, “I’m sorry to disturb you but I was hoping if you can maybe come down here so I can have a nice friendly chat with you.”
Once again no answer, Twilight was starting to wonder that maybe there was nopony home and was thinking of giving up. If only I could get up there just to make sure that no one’s home. She did remember that there was a spell that can get non flying ponies the ability to walk on clouds and with her teleportation spell she would be able to get up there too. Twilight thought that was a wonderful idea, unfortunately she couldn’t remember the spell at the moment which frustrated her even more to the point she shouted, “HEY YOU, I’M TALKING TO YOU. GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!” As soon as she said that Twilight covered her mouth embarrassed that she lost her temper which seemed totally out of character and shouted at whoever was in that house. What seemed like minutes in Twilights mind which was only seconds she waited to see what was going to happen next. When nothing happened she sighed deeply thanking Celestia that whoever was living at that house was not home.
Twilight decided to call it a day and that she will try again another day, still embarrassed about losing her temper Twilight turned around and started walking back the way she came. The thought of her not being able to continue her investigation and that she would have to return again, caused her temper to return. She stopped and yelled at the house knowing that no one was home, “I’LL BE BACK, THANKS FOR NOTHING….. JERK!” After letting out her anger, Twilight was feeling better and continued walking.
She only took a few steps before a lightning bolt struck just a few feet in front her which caused to Twilight to jump back, she jumped again when the thunder struck as well. Twilight was now shaking as much as Fluttershy was earlier, before Twilight could think about what was happening a loud angry voice from behind her shouted, “WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!” Twilight now started shaking ever harder after she realized that somepony was home, as she turned around and looked up to the source of the voice. When she looked up all she saw was a pony’s head poking out from the cloud house, upon meeting eye contact with the head, the pony jump down from the house and landed on the ground hard a few feet in front her that caused her to take a few steps back. Twilight was now looking at a red pegasus with red eyes and had an angry face. The storm cloud house continued shooting lightning above them followed by the sounds of thunder, the red pegasus started walking towards Twilight with his hooves stomping the ground at the same time as the thunder from above. He stop a few feet from Twilight and, “WELL I’M RIGHT HERE, SO WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
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dude!! this is AWESOME!! keep up the great werk!!
...Okay. This... This is something.
Here is a list of things you should probably do before this fic will be anywhere near decent:
Go read this: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
And this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue
And this as well: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/64859
You have numerous grammar issues (I can count at least four in the very first paragraph), your premise is cliche, and your OC design is horrendous. Sorry, but unless you can pull a complete and utter literary overhaul out of your ass, I just don't see this doing very well. I hope the links I've provided will help you anyway.
I can smell the Stuishness of this here Gary from a mile away.
Oh, and the title of the chapter is 'Something Hateful This Way Comes'. May I just say...
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1286877 While I completely agree with you, the character isn't actually an alicorn, just a pegasus. Just pointing that out.
1286979 I like to think every story deserves one read no matter what, just to give it a chance. But seriously, Shadow Bolt, learn to put the chances on your side.
Yes yes, we all know how "cool" Black and Red color schemes are(Fuckberries it hurt to write that sentence) but believe me, everyone else hates them. No matter how appropriate they seem. They. Are. Terrible. First step to becoming a writer that isn't hated by a third of the civilized world, remove black and red combos from your palette. Black and red are never to be combined. NEVER. While him being the physical embodiment of hate might make you think it is a good idea, get that part of your brain lobotomized. If no other color scheme works for the embodiment of hate, then maybe come up with some other character traits to base it off of, or just say buck it and make him some random color. Twilight isn't just magic, she's also a psychologically deranged nerd. A psychologically deranged lavender nerd.
Second, tone down the power of this guy, I could go into how to make a powerful OC work, and where they are acceptable and why, but no. Just throw some kryptonite at this asswipe. Or at least make him be seeking a MacGuffin to give him the current level of power, and still be powerful, just not "none can defeat me" powerful.
Choo Choo.
-Onyx
1286747 ...you again.
Okay. Fine. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt just this one last time. Explain to me, in extensive detail, what makes this story good. If you cannot, then you are either a troll or have read too few stories to know what shit is supposed to work in them. And I lean heavily towards the former, after that blog post.
*Steel facedesks, sighing.*
What bugs me is that this is actually typed out properly...well, sort of properly...listen, I'm gonna play sympathy and say you've got something that could possibly work, and I'm doing the same thing. Difference here is I've written an entirely different country to play the part, and described the origins of the Elements so it'd make sense.
First point! Elements of HARMONY. Nightmare Moon hated everyone. Discord wanted to ruin everyone's day. Chrysalis wanted to conquer the kingdom and make everyone food. Each of these characters embodies some negative emotion.
Are they tied to Harmony? Hell no! They are, to give it a word, DISHARMONY. Where does Hate fit in with the Elements?! But enough of the complaints about the story, how about we rip open this description?
Mysteeeerious. It seems like the Everfree Forest is the source of everybody's problems in Ponyville, from Zecora to fucking Hydras.
Alright uh...stop right there. There are things you mention in a synopsis; this isn't one of them. There's supposed to be some form of...MYSTERY involved, but it's still meant to grab your reader's attention.
...So, the Elements of Harmony can bring down a living natural disaster and the Spirit of Chaos, but not one who is supposed to be on the same level as them...this, I find this confusing. The Elements are built around the concept of friendship, implying teamwork, yet there's an Element who's all-powerful just standing on his own. It doesn't make sense.
I'm at least going to fix this up, because I'm nice.
...Wow, that's the first description I've ever cut DOWN on. Tense is iffy, but this grabs attention without revealing too much of the plot. Took out the end bit, because really, it's obvious.
May dive into the story, but I feel my cohorts already have.
Review time! Yay!
1) 1286885 hit most of the grammar problems. Fix the tense shifts and punctuation errors. I'll add that if a character is getting cut off, the quote should end with an em-dash, not an ellipsis. An ellipsis indicates that the character trails off gradually, and the second time, Fluttershy is actually cut off mid-sentence. Therefore, the quote should end with an em-dash.
If you don't know what an em-dash is, it's a really long hyphen.
2) You say Twilight first saw Fluttershy cowering under a table. But didn't Fluttershy open the door to let her in? Was she hiding under a table when she opened the door? And if so, why didn't you mention that?
3) Your style is just... awkward. I can't quite decide why, but I think it either has to do with repetition or show vs. tell. For example:
Why is that thought there? We all know what it means when Fluttershy shrieks and refuses to answer the door. You don't need Twilight's internal narrative to tell us. You already showed us.
4) Sorry, Fluttershy's not a very strong flyer, even after all her hard work in "Hurricane Fluttershy." This is especially true when she's nervous or frightened, which she is here. Even with the help of Rainbow Dash, probably the strongest flyer in Equestria, she could barely keep Twilight airborne in the first episode. Sure, she caught up to Dash in the Season 2 premiere, but Dash was indifferent and Fluttershy was angry.
5) Oh, your OC. Over-designed, stronger than the Elements of Harmony... I honestly have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. The only sliver of hope I have for this Shadow Bolt guy is that we haven't seen much of him yet in the actual story, so there's a slight chance you might possibly not make him quite as Gary Stu-ish as he appears in the description. Maybe? I'm trying to be reeealy hopeful here.
Anywho, this review train has places to be and things to do. Best of luck!
1286789
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1287706 That doesn't mean don't try, and that doesn't make it any better. When creating stories like this, keep in mind what belongs and does not belong in FiM. Such as... alcoholicorns--er, alicorns, multi-colored characters, manifestations of hatred associated somehow with those of an antonymous nature--Harmony--and... I think you get it. Or at least, I hope you do.
While it is indeed your story, and we cannot tell you how to run it, there are many of experience that have already happened upon this story to offer their advice. Their prejudices are completely justified; stories like these are, around, uh... I'll estimate... 96% of them, absolutely terrible. And since you seem to be telling a similar tale, this gets heaped with the rest of them, and it boils down to being your fault for choosing this topic without knowledge of how to pull it off without botching it like most authors do.
Just try. It makes a difference. If you're going to share these stories with us, convince us this isn't some terrible drabble. Though, it'd take a lot because, no offense, it is. Close to nobody will read this and like it. I'm going to be honest with you. And I tell this from experience--I've written something remotely similar to this in the past, and its reception wasn't stellar. So, again, at least try to be original. Don't try to copy success where success has not been known.
1287706 Great question!
"Gary Stu" (or "Mary Sue") isn't a specific person, but rather a type of character that's too good to be true and just comes off as boring. Oftentimes, it's the result of a writer confusing interesting character development with cool gimmicks. There are a lot of common signs of a Stu/Sue, and I'll try to list some here. Keep in mind that this isn't a list of 'bad' things, but rather warning signs that your character might be in trouble. Keep in mind that these things need to be taken in the perspective of a story universe. A human named Jane, for example, won't draw any curiosity, but a transformer named Jane is kind of weird.
1) Lack of weakness, either in ability or character. If a character is all-powerful (or nearly all-powerful), it's really hard to feel any sense of danger when things get tough. This is why alicorn OC's are so often frowned upon (I know yours is a pegasus, I'm just using an alicorn as an example). They can fly and use magic, so it's hard to come up with a situation in which they are genuinely in danger. This is also why so many here have complained about Shadow Bolt's apparent superiority to the Element of Harmony (based on the story description).
However, the real clincher here is a lack of character weakness. Of all the things on this list, this one is the most important. Since we've barely had a glimpse of Shadow Bolt, I can't really say anything about his character (this is also why I said I still have a bit of hope for him). The audience can't relate to a character with a flawless personality because there is simply no real-life equivalent. Real people have weaknesses they struggle with or overcome. Rainbow Dash's arrogance in "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well" and Fluttershy's fear in... well, pretty much every episode are good examples of characters with weaknesses we can relate to. It's what makes them interesting to watch. They have room to grow as well as the potential for conflict with other characters (think of Rarity and AJ in "Look Before You Sleep").
On the other hoof, characters with no redeeming qualities just get buried in hate. A good character will have a balance of both good and bad traits, just like real people do.
2) Unique powers. Okay, this is kind of related to the lack of weakness, but it's a little different. If your character can do something no other pony can (such as turn into a jet fighter, for example), there should be a reason why. Oftentimes, these abilities (like turning into a jet fighter) make the character over-powered as well, which is the real warning here. An interesting and unique, but not super-powerful, ability can be fun to read about, so long as it's kept in perspective.
3) Unique appearance. I'm afraid Shadow Bolt hits this one pretty hard, judging from the picture. This can be anything from multi-colored manes and weird coloring to demon horns, bat wings, and lizard tails. If you don't see it in an average crowd of ponies, it could mean trouble. This is another reason alicorn OC's are dangerous - there are only three of them in Equestria. This isn't a problem if done in moderation and for a purpose, but when your character has a lot of things no other pony has, especially if it's just for the sake of looking cool, the warning bells should start ringing. Shadow's weird wings (are they mechanical?) are what really throw me off on this one.
While I'm here, I'll throw in a little subsection about unusual names. Again, we're talking unusual for the story universe. No one bats an eye at a hobbit named Bilbo, but if he's a pony, that's going to draw some stares.
4) Celebrity status. In this universe, this generally boils down to an OC being instant best friends with or related to characters from the show, particularly the mane six. Even worse if they end up in relationships with them. This can be and has been done right, but there's the key - it has to be done right.
5) Better than the best. If your character is smarter than Twilight or faster than Dash, you may have a Stu on your hands. This might be interesting if it drives the plot of the story, but if it looks like the character is just showing off, a la Trixie, he's not going to get a warm reception. This is another reason so many object to Shadow Bolt's apparent superiority over the Elements.
So, yeah. Hope this helps answer your question.
1288187 'This idea I had before i came to this site' Well, I suppose we can't blame ya, but just jumping in and starting to do something within a site such as this without taking a look around is never a good idea.
'I see the same story again and again and they don't get so much negative comments as this one had.' Poor writers have a tendency to delete comments that contain negative feedback (which is key to improving as a writer). Check their like/dislike ratios. You'll figure out the score concerning stories such as this. Look at the top of this very page: 3/41. Your story has been liked three times, and disliked almost thirteen times that. This commonly happens to stories without strong outer, inner--or a combination of both--appearance and/or quality. The triggers in this case happen to be, probably, the title, the picture, and the description. Red and black OCs, in particular, are extremely common in stories of this type. Why? They seem to represent something cool, like 'darkness', or, 'hate', in this case. Now, does that belong in the FiM universe? No? There's your reason this is disliked. The fanfic lives or dies based on its outer appearance, but thrives based on its inner appearance. But if you have the latter but not the former, you'll fail. The reverse is less true, but, still.
I am not trying to be mean to you, this is just what I think. Good luck, I mean it. Hope you try something else in the future and it turns out for you. As for this... I don't think it's quite salvageable from this pit of dislikes, I'm afraid.
Oh yeah, and to explain the train up there, we're a group called the Train Wreck Explorers. A sort of loosely-organized, forceful review group that tries to rid this site of poor authors and their stories, by either helping them become better, or, if the writer doesn't listen, fighting with them until they do. And if they don't, it gets kind of messy, I'd admit. I hope you aren't to be the next addition to our 'blacklisted authors' thread. Despite how mean we seem to be, our intent is, at its base, friendly, and if you treat it as such, you'll find our disposition to improve towards you.
Why hasn't "Grace of a Swan" gotten any trains?
1288401
I appreciate your concern, I feel that mine shouldn't be dislike just because of the appearance, description, and picture. "They seem to represent something cool, like 'darkness', or, 'hate', in this case. Now, does that belong in the FiM universe?" then explain why Cupcakes is popular if that shit doesn't belong in the FIM universe? I'm gonna continue this story and will make changes.
1288561 Cupcakes was popular because it was a new thing, and not because it was a good story, but because it had shock value, and novelty even to those who don't like the show. Slightly similar a case is the literary abomination that is Living the Dream. *Shudder* That's just a bunch of self-inserts banging canon characters and having Sue powers, with characters acting so wrong that you might as well call them OCs. It was new at the time, somehow, and has good ratings because of it. If either of them were to be released now, it'd be very much different.
And I know how unfair it is that your story is judged based on its appearance, but its appearance is utterly repulsive to me as a reader, personally. I do not lie. And considering the other comments here, this view is shared. I'm just trying to be honest with you. If it looks bad, people will assume it is. Look at two apples at the grocery store. They are the same size, but one of them appears to have some superficial cuts and minor bruises on it. Regardless, the apple might be delicious, or have a worm in it, but you're going to buy the clean apple, not the bruised one. A simple analogy, yes?
As for continuing this story? If it makes you happy, go for it. Never write only for positive feedback. If it pleases you, do it. Nobody will stop you.
Red and black OC for a cover.....
This can only end well
Review after the break:
1) you like to say names.... Like alot, show don't tell
2) awkward dialogue? Awkward dialogue.
3) element. Of. Hate......
I'm need to go to bed so I will keep it short...
This project is doomed to fail I would scrap it and save it for when you know how to write.
not the worst fix I've read though
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Every time you delete a negative comment your dick gets shorter.
Deleting comments are we? You're putting yourself on a level equivalent to FelixDawn.
you know, it wasn't that bad. Several grammatical and punctuation errors with many of them similar to this "Once the door was open Twilight walk into the cottage and the door closed behind her," needs to be walked and a comma after open, and some rough edges that could be smoothed out, but nothing overly bad. Although not really that interesting of a story, and you occasionally add information that could be expressed differently. Like “Just like how Rainbow Dash's home is made out of white clouds this house is made out of storm clouds.” , not really something that needed to be said out loud since she was alone and the way she phrases it makes it sound like she is teaching it to a small child. Could use some touch ups and maybe a better color scheme to not cause insta thumbs downs, but well above the tolerable range on my shit-a-meter.
1301582
I thank you for your comment, I know from the grammar Nazis about this problem and I'm trying my best to fix these errors especially the next chapter. The way i see it if Microsoft office doesn't show me a error then I assume there is nothing wrong.
Uh-oh. I have seen the comments, and...
BRACE YOURSELVES
A FLAMEWAR IS COMING.
1315149
It already happened. The "Author" just got so butthurt he deleted the comments.
1304371....It's not the best story, but it was much better than some i've seen... Shudders...(don't ask what ive seen). It has plot. it has exposition, it actually has proper capitalization and somewhat good formatting. So don't get your hopes down Shadow. I'd be willing to give you odd tips if you would like them. You're being very brave by continuing on so I congrat you for that.
Great idea. Horrible execution.
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Dude. I'm going to be really blunt here. That was so bad, you had to be trying. Seriously. This is one of the worst stories, no, ideas, I've ever had the displeasure of reading.
That line sums up why I hate this story with every single fiber of my being. First of all, I'll fix your grammar.
Even with the fixed grammar, that sentence is horrendous. I mean, who blatantly says what they are doing before they do it?
Anyway. I hope the negativity from this story makes you realize everything that you're doing wrong so you can fix it. And I will have to give you props for your perseverance. Most people give up when shot with a lot dislikes.
For those of you who want to jump on the critiquing bandwagon, I suggest you read this before posting your usual semi-founded negativity.
Anyway, having only read the first chapter, I can see that this story has promise. What it doesn't have, though, is an editor or proofreader. Really, that's the only major problem with it so far. I'll wait to like until I've caught up a little bit. In the meantime, keep posting, and don't let the haters get you down.
If you're worried about your OC being a "Mary Sue", don't be. He's obviously an antagonist (at most, a villain); if he didn't stand out, he'd be bland and boring, and no one would care about the conflict. Of course, he can't stand out TOO much, or he'll look ridiculous/out of place/unbeatable. And who wants that?. Naturally, substance is also what makes a real antagonist; he can't go by style alone. It's his character, personality and actions that make the conflict, not his red coat. With that said, I hope this character has some promise in the future.
I'll keep reading. Don't give up; that like/dislike ratio won't slow me down, and it shouldn't slow you down, either. Like I said, look for a decent editor and have them go over this thing with a comb for grammar errors. Just keep improving it, and the ratio will change.