Chapter Seventeen: Short
“By Celestia’s furry plot!”
I slammed the front door to the library behind me, nearly falling over in the process, but frankly I’d do anything to get away from that crazy, magic-shooting unicorn.
"They're just han-"
I tried calling through the door.
*ZZAP*
"AHH!"
"You could try something other than burning them off you know!"
It grew strangely silent in the library.
"Uh... Twilight?"
"Burning them off! Genius!"
"Okay, was not making a suggestion!"
There was the sound of padded footing on steps, growing further and further away as I stood behind the door.
"Twilight! Stop!"
I reached towards the doorknob, but ran into the age old problem of having hooves and not having any idea on how to use them.
...
Which made me question how I opened the door to get outside in the first place.
"Twilight! Can you even hear me!?!"
I knocked frantically on the door as the padding grew so distant as to be out of earshot.
"Twilight!... You know what? Screw it, I hope you light your mane on fire while you're at it."
From frustration grows douchebaggery, let that be a lesson for all you kiddos out there.
I turned from the door and looked out at the town of Ponyville with slumped shoulders.
'...What now?'
With that wonderfully positive mindset, I took a step into town; quite carefully I might add, the hooves were still pretty tricky. Though it wasn’t currently very pressing, I still had to use the restroom. If I could hold it in with those crazy, magic lightning bolts flying around; I felt like I could last maybe an hour without dying of an internal explosion. That, of course, doesn’t really account for discomfort, but it wasn’t my first ‘hold teh peepee’ rodeo.
I wandered throughout the town without a clear destination, turning the heads of Ponyville's denizens from my train wrecked appearance. It was odd, it was like there was this figurative weight on my shoulders. I felt burdened physically, but I knew it had to be mentally. After all, it wasn't as if there was anything on my-
"Hiya!"
Pinkie Pie was leaning over my head and giving me a fierce frown.
Or a sickeningly wide, upside-down grin. Take your pick.
I wasn't sure how she had managed to get on my shoulders in the first place, especially without me noticing, but she always seemed to show up in the darndest of places.
Strangely, it’s often when I go swimming in that lake behind Fluttershy's cottage.
I wasn't really in a bad mood, I wasn’t really in a good one either; boredom does that to you, but I still answered her with a smidgen of enthusiasm. I knew how much she valued the stuff.
"Hey Pinks, what's up?"
"Well," She brought her head back up, sitting on my shoulders as I stood there, "I guess you could say that I'm up!"
'Gah! Screw literal interpretations.'
"Yeah, I can see that. Could you get off please?"
I know that I gave Sweetie Belle a piggie back ride at one point, but giving one to a full grown mare just felt... wrong. Not wrong in the sense of, 'Oh she needs to grow up', more like, 'I know what's being pressed up against the back of my head and I don't like it one bit.'
Not going to spell it out for you.
"Aww, Stanny. But you're sooo comfortable."
I liked Pinkie, I really did, but I didn't like the way she said 'comfortable' in that context. I know I may have said something about her being too crazy for me, but think of it like this: She’s like vitamins “K”, “A”, “D” and “E”. As our body cannot remove the aforementioned vitamins via the excretion of wastes, taking them in high concentrations in a short period of time can lead to a potentially dangerous build-up that may ultimately end in death.
Yes kiddos, have a little Biology lesson courtesy of Stan. At least now you can leave here with something useful for once.
Sure, it wouldn’t technically kill me being around the mare, but I may kill me if I stay around her for too long.
“Comfortable for you, not for me.”
I reached behind me to try and grab her, but ran into a foreseeable ‘grabbing’ problem.
“*GASP* You have hooves JayJay!?!”
“*Sigh* Yes, I do. And how many times have I told you that I’m not JayWalker anymore?”
“Fourty-Nine before you just said that, and now it’s fifty! This calls for a fiftieth anni- anniver- time that you’ve told me that you’re not JayJay party!”
I tried to pick her up between my hooves, but frankly it seemed more like I was groping the mare than actually picking her up. Something reinforced by the response I was getting.
“Ooo~ At least take me out for cupcakes first!”
“Look, no party, no cupcakes; I just need to-”
‘Think Stan, think...’
“Go to Rarity’s to get my pants fixed!”
And cue ‘crap, why did I say that?' moment.
"O-Oh..."
She sounded awfully sad for some reason.
"Heh, sorry Pinks. Can't go gallivanting around town on display now, can I? That was rhetorical by the way, don't answer it."
The weight disappeared off of my shoulders and I soon found Pinkie standing next to me.
"Can I come?"
"I don't think that's such a great idea, you'll be bored to tears."
"Bored to tears?!? I don't wanna cry!"
"Yes yes, we don't want that to happen."
I awkwardly took a step away from the mare. You know, like that moment when you're talking to a stranger and you're not sure when the conversation is supposed to end, so all you want to do is get the hell outta there.
"Sooo, I'll see you later?"
"But later sounds so late! Can you see me sooner?"
I smirked a bit at her antics.
"Sure, sooner."
She smiled brightly at me as I turned around.
"Bye Stanny!"
"Adiós Pink-” A jolt of urgency suddenly shot through my body. ”-EEEE!”
I stumbled a bit and resisted the urge to shoot my hooves towards my crotch, god knows how much that would hurt.
‘Ugh. Level one of restroom urgency achieved.’
Let it be known that it comes in stages...
Three stages.
Bleh. Don't you just love those moments where you make a stupid mistake?
Frankly, a day with Pinkie, and to an extent, baked goods, would've been pretty nice. Instead, I made a stupid excuse to shoo her away while I went to Rarity's.
Needless to say, it was quite the regrettable decision; something that I was quick to learn as I arrived at her boutique.
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*
“Welcome to the Carousel Bo-”
“Cut the crap, it’s Stan.”
“OH! Stan!”
The door in front of me flew open to reveal the beaming unicorn.
“Darling how are you- AHHHHHH!”
Her face contorted to horror as she let out a ear-splitting shriek.
“WOAH WOAH!” I looked myself over. “What in the hell is wrong!?!”
A light bulb clicked on in my head.
“Right, the hooves. You see-”
“My pants! They're an absolute disaster!” The unicorn shot towards me and began inspecting the slacks. She looked into my eyes with a menacing glare and prodded me with her hoof harshly. “What. Did. You. DO!”
“Hey! It’s not like I did it on purpose!” She continued to look angrily at me. “Look, walking into town without your feet is freaking difficult. These hooves have quite the learning curve, I'd like to see you-” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Okay, but you have four limbs for walking; I’m working with two here.”
She looked into my eyes for a few more moments before snorting and gesturing for me to come in.
“Hooves are hardly an excuse for ruining my work, you could’ve simply gone without them you know.”
I stepped inside and glanced around her tidy storefront.
“I went without a shirt, that’s about my limit for nudity nowadays.”
She walked past me and started up the steps, naturally I followed after. Honestly, you could say that I ‘crawled’ given the fact that I used all four limbs for stability, but let’s just say that I walked to provide a less embarrassing mental picture.
“I don’t know why you couldn’t have donned that towel of yours, I thought it had a very... rustic quality?”
We made it to the top of the steps, and after getting my stability back on two hooves, the two of us turned into her room and makeshift studio.
“What part of ‘I have hooves and don’t know how to use them’ do you not understand?”
“If you were able to put on a pair of pants I’m sure that you could figure it out, if not, then just ask Fluttershy for help.”
‘Ugh. I did, and it was the worst- second worst mistake I’ve made today.’
Oh, what’s the worst? Well, I pissed of a demi-deity and went to Rarity’s willingly; those two are pretty much on par for stupidity.
"Heh" I looked away from her. "Why in the world would I do that?"
She turned towards me with a raised eyebrow, a smirk slowly growing on her face.
"Did you have any troubles with the zipper?"
A raging blush found its way onto my cheeks.
“N-none at all.”
She took a step towards a clothing rack to her right side.
“Well, zippers are almost exclusively found on unicorn wear; Earth Ponies and Pegasi need to get... creative to operate them.”
“Creative how exactly?”
She began to sift through the articles of clothing on the rack.
“Without a partner, they can’t really use them quite honestly. With a partner on the other hand...Well, lets just say that there’s a reason why pants aren’t a popular piece of clothing for the average pony; near all of my shipments of pants go to Canterlot, the population there is primarily unicorns.”
“Well Erm- Why are you telling me this exactly?”
She looked over her shoulder at me.
“Did Fluttershy help you put them on?”
“Pfft!” I looked away from her. “No! I wore them to bed with me.”
Her hoof froze on a frilly pink dress.
“So you wore my one-of-a-kind extraterrestrial-wear pants to sleep... And ran the risk of defiling them with your-” She snorted. “nightly secretions.”
“No way!”
“So you didn’t wear them while you slept?”
“You see-”
“Did you or did you not?”
You know, I’m really beginning to hate this interrogation thing the ponies keep pulling on me. I swear to God, they seem to always know what went down; my mannerisms pretty much serve to concrete that, yet they still hound me to hell and back.
I let out a sigh and looked back at her.
“Look, you know perfectly well what went down. Why make me come up with these stupid excuses?”
Frankly, it was sadistic. It was like putting a rubber steak in front of a bear on a treadmill.
...
Terrible analogy, let’s carry on.
“Because darling, it’s sooo much nicer to hear the juicy details come from your mouth.”
“Riiiight...”
‘Or you just want to watch me squirm you sadistic bi-”
“So are you going to fix my pants or not?”
She turned from the clothing rack and walked back towards me. Honestly, I’m not quite sure why she started rifling through it in the first place.
“Well yes, but it may take some time.” Inspiration struck her features. “And I may have to ask you a favor in return.”
I crossed my hooves and looked warily at her; a gesture that really loses its effect when you stumble while doing it.
“Woah-woah-woah” She rolled her eyes and caught me with her magic to correct my balance. “Sorry, the whole hoof thing-”
‘Why am I apologizing?’
“Whatever. So how long is ‘some time’ and what’s this favor?”
“Well, the pants I should have done by the end of the day.”
“And in the meantime...”
“I made a spare pair, given they aren’t exactly the same...style.”
"And you're only telling me this now?"
"I haven't had the need to before."
She batted her hoof and turned around to walk to a small chest.
She quickly pulled something out of it with her aura, holding it behind herself and out of my view.
Not sure what it is with this girl and her constant attempts at subtlety.
“Now Stan darling, I need you to be perfectly honest about what you think of this design; I think I may be onto something pretty revolutionary.” She smiled sweetly at me. “Now if you could close your eyes-”
“No.”
“Excuse me-”
“I don’t like to keep my eyes off you ponies.”
She started swishing her tail behind her ass.
Pfft-! Heh, it's all about the phrasing isn't it?
“Oh really?”
"Yes really. I look away from you guys for two seconds and find out that you've drugged my salad and started masturbating under the table."
"W-wha?"
I waved a hand dismissively.
"Nothing, just an example. Now the pants-"
Something suddenly came flying at my head and plastered itself to my face.
"Whff?"
I groaned into the cloth.
"It's called improvising dear, I didn't have a blindfold. Now if you could just pull it from your face and... Gaze upon my creation~!"
Perhaps it's the mere knowledge that we've rolled our eyes that gives us such a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. The idea that this poor, far from innocent, victim of circumstance is the target of our displeasure. She couldn't see my eyes from behind the strange article, but I'll just say this: My optic nerves were none too happy with me with the sheer exaggeration of it all. I wouldn't be surprised if she could just feel it; feel the inevitable vertigo that comes with such an impressive spin.
I put my hooves to my face, the blinding cerulean aura disappearing from my vision as Rarity released her magic, allowing the garment to fall into my hold. I pulled the... stretchy cloth from my face and held it out at arms length.
It was a small piece of clothing; black and actually not particularly small in the length department but... Well, let's just say that it would do excellent at displaying jewels if you catch my drift.
“What... are these?”
“Shorts!”
She said excitedly.
“Compression shorts.”
I deadpanned.
“Standex Shorts!”
“Right.”
"Well Stan? What do you think?"
"...Do you have anything else for me? To, I don't know, go over it?"
She pouted at me.
“You don’t like it?” Anger strayed onto her features as she looked away from me and at the floor. “I knew it! It was a stupid idea; I’m so sorry Stan, I just-”
“No no no no no,”
‘Don’t. You. Dare.’
“I like them! I really do.”
‘WHY? WHY?’
I couldn’t really explain why I lied through my teeth to the girl, but well... Gah, screw it. I was being far too nice that day. Maybe it was the subliminal ‘I’ll kill myself if I’m not perfect’ messages coming from that angry expression on her face.
“You do!?! Oh Stan! I’m so glad!”
Her expression brightened as she rushed over and embraced me tightly.
...
And tipped me the frick over.
“RARITY HOOVE-GAH!-OOF!”
I hit the ground and just lay there looking up at the ceiling as Rarity snuggled up against my chest, clearly not even caring that she knocked me over. I reached towards the newly gained aching spot on my head, but only really succeeded in knocking it pretty hard with my rock-like hoof. Concussive amnesia I’m sure; I’m never that dumb usually...
Yeah, shut up.
“Rarity,” I croaked out, “what was that favor you wanted in exchange for these?”
She pulled her head from my chest and looked at me, her mane now slightly frazzled in an insane kinda way. A smile grew on her face.
“I want in.”
She stated.
“Beg pardon?”
“I. Want. In.”
“In what? My pants?”
Confusion grew on her face at that. Clearly in a nudist society some of those phrases and quips lose their effectiveness.
“Wha-” She shut her eyes tightly for a moment. “Never mind that, I just want in; that’s all you need to know.”
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that, but...Okay?”
“Well darling, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you to disrobe. Can’t fix those pants while you have them on, now can I?”
“Alright.”
I started to get up, but with the added weight of the unicorn on my front... Well, hooves just aren’t that useful okay?
“Uh, Rarity?”
“Oh! Right. Sorry dear.”
She quickly scampered off of me, even going as far as to pick me up in her magic and place me back into a standing position.
Which was kinda demeaning to be honest.
“Alright, well...Do you have a dressing room?”
“Yes, but it’s downstairs; you can get changed in here, I don’t mind.”
‘Naturally.’
“Yeah, I think I’ll just hazard the steps.” I began to walk towards the door, but remembered something rather unpleasant. “Uh Rarity...*ahem* the zipper?”
Pinkie Pie was walking quietly through town, deep in thought.
Yes, you read that correctly, quietly and in thought; quite paradoxical in all honesty.
Normally she would be hopping around town brightening the spirits of the residents with her regular chipper self, but something a certain man had told her recently had her thoroughly confused.
‘How many times have I told you that I’m not JayWalker anymore?’
‘Anymore?’
That one word, it just resonated with her. She enjoyed being around Stan just as much as she enjoyed being around everypony else, but there was something about that JayWalker that made her heart race and her knees go all ‘quakey wakey.’
Sure, she hadn’t seen that side of Stan for some time, and even then it was just for a day; but during that party, he was so...
“Right for me.”
Pinkie thought aloud.
All it took was a single sip of cider for that stallion to come out, so why didn’t she just offer Stan a drink? The thought was promising, but somewhere deep within the recesses of her mind something was whispering ‘Cliche, Cliche.’ She suddenly froze while on her way through the market.
It all suddenly clicked! The hooves, the fiftieth anniversary of calling Stan ‘JayWalker’, him saying ‘I’m not JayWalker anymore?’ They were all signs; signs saying that JayWalker was coming back!
A wide grin spread across her face as her mind went into hyperdrive. So he had hooves again... But JayWalker was a pegasus, Stan needed wings!
“PINKIE!”
“Huh, what?”
Pinkie shot her head around as she found herself back on Equestria.
As it turned out, she had stopped right in the front of Applejack’s stand.
“Ah’ve called your name a good four times Pinkie, are ya feelin’ alright?”
She had to find a way to get wings on that man...It was the logical next step-
“Uh, Pinkie?”
“Oh! Sorry I just have a very important-”
‘CUPCAKE! That’s it!’
“CUPCAKE! A cupcake to make!”
A poof of dust appeared in front of the orange mare’s stand as her pink friend sped off to Celestia knows where.
Applejack watched the pink blur, a confused expression adorning her freckled face.
“Ah swear, that mare is just too much.”
Pinkie quickly found herself in front of Twilight’s library, the mission playing through her mind like a broken record:
Get Stan wings.
Ponies often take her for granted. She was sure that Twilight would have thought that her babblings would have fallen on deaf, pink ears; but fortunately for the pink pony, she had a far better memory than her friends gave her credit for. When Twilight was talking about a breakthrough on her pegasus wing potion, Pinkie had been secretly all-ears.
You see, the spell that Twilight knew to create temporary wings on a non-pegasus pony was both taxing and had fragile results. Since her first successful, yet exhausting, attempt at performing this spell, the unicorn was determined to create a potion capable of producing, although still temporary, a hardier pair of wings.
Although this wasn’t her primary experiment, nor her first hobby, it was sixth out of twenty in her list of semi-hobbies. She simply didn’t have the time to fit it into her busy schedule. As such, according to her ideals; this hobby was fed her time on insomniatic nights. Only recently did she actually make headway in the potions creation, but I digress.
From Twilight’s description, the potion was finally ready for testing, so Pinkie was just doing her a favor right? Regardless, she needed to get that potion first.
With scarcely a sound, Pinkie opened the door to the library and slipped inside.
“OW! OW! OW! OW!”
Screams were coming from the upper level of the treehouse, causing the pony to pause for a moment. Pinkie briefly considered investigating, but she knew how much Twilight hated to be interrupted during an experiment. Something about possibly cataclysmic mixtures and explosions or the like; Pinkie was, ironically, not listening to her much that time around.
Escaping her thoughts, Pinkie slunk low to the floor and crawled over-exaggeratedly towards the door on the opposite end of the room. The lab was in the basement, she remembered that much from her friend’s obsession with her Pinkie-sense.
After another near silent door opening, Pinkie shot down the steps and began to scan the cramped space.
“What color was it again...”
Twilight had said something about poison joke being an ingredient, so Pinkie figured blue would be a good place to start.
Odd machinery lined the walls of the basement, some of which was familiar to the mare, the others...Well, not so much.
Resisting the ever-so-satisfying urge to press the multitude of buttons around her, Pinkie searched the large table in the middle of the room, the beakers, flasks and graduated cylinders serving as a fine indicator that this was in fact the right place. She had no idea why she knew what a graduated cylinder was, but even Pinkie had learned to not question herself.
“Blue...Blue...Blue-”
Her gaze fell upon a clear flask containing a bubbling, royal purple liquid. On its front was a small label with a crudely drawn on wing.
Pinkie grinned widely and grabbed the flask.
She had a cupcake to make.
Stats
Page generated in 0.03 seconds
Total duration
1,033 users online
1,405,242 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Chapter 17: Short... it doesn't look short?
2503131 Well, considering my trend as of late; I think it's short
2503147Ah, the 5k+ words trend.
2503156 Next chapter should start following it again (to say the least
)
Waaaay too many ideas being forced into a small span.
2503179I know the feel.
A comment, have it.
Also, I'm looking forward to Pinkie's great shenanigans!
Hey, Twilight! Could you lend me a hand?
Uh oh...
*Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop*
Comment?
Hmm... Let's see. Cliffhangers in comparisons to speculations.
Cliffhangers can be evil.
Speculations? They lead room to further musing of what may come.
But there's a lot to speculate on. What will happen to Pinkie? What's this in which Rarity wants in? Pinkie wants Jay? Will somepony be an alicorn? Is a herd or harem story forming now? What's Twilight working on now?
Too many speculations in such a short chapter leaves a taste in the mouth. Is it a bad chapter? No, it serves as a lead off to things to come. But to make so many things unresolved will leave a lot to go over later, and with all the possible theories forming from speculation- Well, you know. Bad taste.
2503653 Sorry about that
just wanted to give people something while I'm busy with living and such. Next chapter should come out real soon.
I'd stomp some of those speculations for you (they aren't really secrets honestly) but I know how people hate spoilers. I will, however, give but one that I've said on several occasions:
No harem.
2503653 Will Lyra discover that Twilight now has hands, and if so, how will she react?
2503900 indeed. And if she did, would she go insane, trying to replicate the process for herself?
Completely irrelevant, but it's leo, not leerlo. Pretty close, though
2503992 Well, my thought was 'to read' I.e 'leer' and 'it' as 'lo'
So, 'to read it' being 'leerlo'
As I said, probably still butchered it.
2504036
I'm not that far into Spanish, so I wouldn't really know that much either
As per usual, Stan's thoughts on his situations make me giggle like a newborn. Glad to see the update and I'm looking forward to where the plot's going
2504055 4 years under my belt and I still suck.
2504059 Heh, plot... Maybe it's going to the supermarket.
I'm so dumb... Ignore me.
2504075
-Flutters Glasses used joke
-It was super effective
-Anal Invader laughed himself into a hernia
I almost thought that Dashie was going to experience Cupcakes, all over again.
Question, is discord trying to turn Stan into a pony-anthro?
That would be a great way to end up in Molestia "dungeons".
Poor, poor victim...
Lets see if I got this right, which is more likely am wrong. Fluttershy is in love with Stan
. Stan inadvertently made a Harem with Rarity
(who is by-sex
). Pinke likes Stan but loves him when his Jaywalker( sounds a little shallow to me
). Applejack likes(maybe loves) Stan but doesn't know how to cob so is hostile towards him(Tsundere
). Twilight is only sees Stan as scientific research
(I think). And Rainbow I have no idea
. P.s. This shit is Awesome!!!!
I think when Rarity says she wants "in" I think she means in the overly large herd that Stan is unknowingly creating.
So far he has captured the hearts of:
Fluttershy
Applejack
Pinkie Pie
Rarity?
Yeah, getting kinda big there...
2506707 I'm making a herd?
2507300
Term thing that I see when more then one mare are hitting on or are with a stallion.
It's the same thing as polygamous except for ponies.
Since there are many more mares in Ponyville (And I would think in Equestria as well) then there are stallions, there are usually several mares paired with a single stallion.
I at least fall back on this logic most of the time otherwise I find the entire thing incredibly awkward.
Funny thing, herd instincts.
*Edit
Course, this would only work if they all get him and he doesn't belong to only one mare.
And chances are, now that I think a bout it, since you don't know what a herd is you aren't making one...
I now feel like an idiot, please excuse my previous comment. *Face Palms*
2507369 Hate to say it, but I'm shooting more for awkward than a herd.
Not to say that the subject won't arise at one point, however I may play it off as less of a common occurrence and more of a deviation from the norm. (I.e. Bisexuality)
2507404
I'm afraid I don't know what bisexuality means.
2507404
So wait, will he or will he not break everyone's heart?
2507422 That my dear friend, is something you'll have to wait for.
2507469
Understandable, but could you still explain the bisexuality part?
Does that mean that you are into both genders?
I've seen hints of that...
Speaking of which, where is Big Mac?
He's hilarious, we need more of him soon...
2507524 Bisexuality is interest in both genders; a taboo in modern society.
Big Mac should reappear... Eventually.
2507932
Okay, that clears some things up, thanks.
And furthermore, I can't wait for Big Mac to appear again. XD
2512275
It is not a link.
2512488 Satan? He goes from a satyr to that giant red thing.
2512414 (\ You're welcome. When you write it, don't forget to add it to the Equestrian Centaurs group. I mean, if that's O.K. with you.
2516866
Well, it used to be every story, but now I focus on my actual writing instead because I hate going to the front page. Though I do sometimes give (Joke) Alt. Titles to stories nowadays, but that's kinda rare. And I never mean to offend anybody with them.
Humanity is overrated. Who needs hands, anyway?
Okay, I just finished catching up to the current update, and I'm... pretty much on the fence. It definitely feels like your writing has VASTLY improved when I compare your second section compared to the first. though you still end up hobbled by story conventions established in the first section.
1) Complaint: Wingboners F***ing EVERYWHERE - I've always found the whole "hur, wingboners are a sign of arousal" to be the dumbest and most desperate grasping at threads ever. I never could tell if this was people just blatantly ignoring that it's an obvious fight/flight reaction (they fly, when creatures that can fly get startled, they prep for takeoff) or if they've actually convinced themselves that it is a sign of arousal.
Either way, I find it to be possibly the single most stupid fan convention to use in a story. I'll forgive the occasional inclusion of this trope for the sake of comedy, and moreso if it's MIXED with something startling, but you have pegasi popping wingboners ALL. THE. TIME.
2) Complaint: Plot = butt - you only did it once, but there is absolutely no reason for anyone other than a brony to refer to a pony's butt as a plot. You're writing Stan as a non-brony, so you should really stick to that, unless you have him actually have him distracted by pony butt while reading a book and claiming he was engrossed in the plot.
3) Complaint: "It's not really a HiE story or Mary-Sue, really I swear!" - Yeah, I can't be the only person to call you on this, but he IS a "Human in Equestria." Regardless of what shape he's in at the time, he came from earth, he views himself internally as a human, he's bringing a human perspective, experience, and knowledge with him that is causing clashes with pony society and conventions. Even if he NEVER was turned into a human during his time there, it would still be a HiE fic. Rather than trying to pretend it's not one, you should probably just point out that "Yes, it's a HiE fic, but that doesn't mean that Human is going to ever get to enjoy it."
As for the Mary-Sue aspect, that's actually the biggest thing I'm on the fence about. While it's true that he's having a lot of crap happening to him, and he's rarely coming out of any conflict without at least SOME sort of injury or fearing for his life, the fact remains that he has the attention of every pony in the entire village all while being a general grump, jerk, and jackass. Because of the contrived nature of... well pretty much everything that has happened in the story, it leaves me with the impression that the writing process goes something like this: "Okay, and then X pony will try to have sex with stan. Wait, that's going to seem pretty mary-sueish, but that's okay, I'll just injure him somehow and that will make it okay."
4) Praise&Complaint: Harem Anime conventions - As I mentioned in my last point, every noteworthy pony, or otherwise, seems to have the hots for Stan for absolutely NO reason at all. It makes for an extremely thin plot, but I'll give it a pass on the excuse that it's meant to be for the sake of comedy. What I find interesting about this aspect is that despite the constant sexual situations, you never actually cross the line into full clop, which to be frank, is all over the place on FiM, so there's really nothing holding you back except your own standards. On the idea that this is being written as a Harem/Comedy it pretty much stays true to conventions, and has enough of a hook in the whole random transformations to just barely keep interest, so I guess it does what it needs to do.
5) Note: Flat Characters - This would normally be a complaint, but I'm chalking some of this up to deliberately charicaturizing the various ponies specifically for the sake of comedy, and the rest of it up to Stan's perspective influencing how their actions are interpreted. Particularly notable examples of this are how stuck up and prissy Rarity comes across (you have her CONSTANTLY pushing her high society standards on everyone else, and the only time I can recall her doing that was when she was deliberately antagonizing AJ during the sleepover) and how Pinkie and Twilight seem to be pure parties and mad scientist. Now the two ponies I would have actually complained about the most, Fluttershy and Applejack, you've actually expanded enough on their situations that I'm chalking up a lot of the issues with their characters as being specifically Discordian influence. When you gave some perspective on AJ's situation, with her dreams, I was surprised to find that it actually DID explain a significant amount of her hostility towards Stan. That leaves me wondering how much EVERYONE'S interest in Stan might originate from Discord's influence.
That all said, it IS a unique take on the human in equestria concept. Twisting the whole "and X pony likes you" convention into "X pony likes you WAY more than you want." and since the writing seems to have been improving a bit, it at least is worth following to see where it goes.
2577766 Oh the delightful coincidence! :P
Thank god someone is willing to tell me something negative.
I'd defend myself, but frankly it's not really worthy of defense. I've made several several stupid mistakes and decisions. I want to go back and tell myself 'STOP STOP, DON’T DO THAT!' but it's far and long too late. That's what I get for not hunting down an editor...
Anywho, I'm doing some minor edits as of now (because the first eight chapters are just terrible) and will definitely take what you said in mind.
Particularly where I said plot... Why in the hell did I do that? And where is it?
Also, just a quick question: is Rarity really coming across as stuck up? I've been trying specifically not to do that.
Oh, and no harem. Ever.
I'd make this longer and analyze things a bit, but I'm on a smartphone and making this coherent is hard enough.
2577843
Plot Mention was in chapter 6, I think.
The harem mention doesn't mean he is specifically shacking up with numerous females. It can also just refer to the effect where a story has one guy garnering disproportional amounts of affection/attention. Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Love Hina are all examples of the harem effect, even though the main guy the attention is focused on often only suffers misfortune from those attentions. You have him living with fluttershy, who has latched onto him, AJ is having dreams about him, Rarity has propositioned him, and Rainbow Dash is set up on a date with him, and Spitfire is friendly with him too. You even have had Angel and Big Mac going after him. Though it's obviously for comedy, you've already hit harem status before you even started the second section.
As for Rarity, I can tell that you're trying to keep her balanced, but it's still there a bit. She's an extremely difficult character to properly showcase, especially when its from an outside perspective, even moreso when that outside perspective is feeling antagonized and judgmental to begin with (as is the case for Stan) but some of the things that stuck out to me were when Rarity and the others came over for Tea, Rarity was harping rather heavily on fluttershy's manners, such as getting the door quickly and inviting them in. Though it may not seem like much of a difference, Rarity would likely be far more oblique in hinting for Fluttershy to invite them in, such as "Fluttershy, dear. We're all ready to come in now, but it would be rude to do so without you inviting us in properly first." which would redirect the message from being an accusation of Fluttershy not following proper protocol, to merely needing her help so THEY can follow proper protocol.
Like I said, it's very hard to nail Rarity down, because she exemplifies the POSITIVE aspects of high society, honor, diplomacy, and class in general, which in common media almost exclusively get shown as condescending, passive aggressive, manipulative, and arrogant, so there are very few examples to draw on outside of the examples Rarity herself provides.
And for Smartphones, I know that feel bro. Quick replies are fine, but anything in depth is like trying to write a term paper with your toes. It's gotten to the point where I have seriously been considering getting one of those stupid bluetooth keyboards, despite how battery draining bluetooth is.
2578075 Right, fixed.
I've considered buying one of those little things too, especially so since I tend to leave my bluetooth on for my Solemate nowadays... *cough* Unintentionally *cough*
Update?
2609646 Fun fact: the chapter has been finished for over a week now. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow? Life has been busy for both me and the prereader(s).
2610050 Technically both, but only play on PC as of late.
I finally figured out what my favourite part of the story is!