Sun, Moon and Starlight

by FoolAmongTheStars

5. In The Wreckage

It was a week before Starlight was really up and moving around the house. Healing Touch came daily and helped her build strength back in her legs until she was able to walk on her own; she was still shaky though, relying on walls and furniture for balance and rest. Her magic, however, was completely depleted from the ordeal—she could barely muster a spark from her horn—but Doctor Caduceus assured her that it would come back to her with time.

As for me, I tried to keep busy. I tried to get back to work, my students endlessly asking me where I’d been and if I was going to bring my friend like show-and-tell. Rumors had definitely spread in my absence and Starlight’s return was a constant conversation starter, much to my misery. I tried to stay out of the house for as long as I could, making excuses that I was giving her space, we were two different ponies now and neither used to cohabitating anymore.

Being home proved that a blatant lie.

I would get home and the radio would turn on to my favorite station while I showered away the grime of the day. I’d come out in my lounge cape to find her curled on one of the chairs with a book. I’d sink into the couch opposite hers and alternate between watching her read and reading my own book until it was time to start dinner.

She’d been reading constantly, another throwback to our time in Ponyville, and was working her way through the assortment of titles I had gathered for her through the years. I would never admit it, but I kept buying books that I thought would interest her and left them around as if she were still with me. Watching her read them now…well, it was conflicting.

It was another week before it had begun to drive me crazy. Healing Touch came less and less since her remaining duties—the strength and conditioning—could easily be performed by Starlight herself, with a little help from me. Touching her and spending more time with Starlight became my job and regardless of the way we’d fallen back into old habits, we didn’t seem to have the same ability with words.

Our days and nights consisted of small talk and long stretches of silence, and I admit that it was more my fault than hers. Each conversation starter she tossed at me got smacked back with one-word answers. In the end, maybe I was getting angrier at myself than I ever was at her.

I also admit that I was hiding in my room the night we finally talked, pretending to pour over some book at my desk, something that looked vaguely serious and important. Twilight had lowered the sun and the room was borderline dark, just a candle illuminating the small space of my desk. I heard her moving around the house but for the most part, she was silent, only drifting from the kitchen to the living room.

Her hoofsteps started down the hall and I shut the book and stood from the desk, waiting for her to close her door. Instead, she knocked on mine. “Yeah?”

The door creaked open and she stepped in, her eyes nervously meeting mine. “Hey.”

“Oh, h-hi.” Smooth, Sunburst, very smooth.

She took another step toward me and I found myself mirroring her, decreasing the space between us. “How…How was your day?”

I suppressed a groan, turning it into a clearing of my throat. “I, it was, huh, Starlight, I…” Oh, Sweet Celestia, strike me down now! I planted a hoof over my face, fiddling with my glasses and trying to forget how lacking my conversation skills were.

“Sunburst…” The softness of my name made my hoof fall, catching her blue eyes glowing in the low light. For a second, I could have sworn we were back in Ponyville and she was coming to my room to spend the night. Her hoof reached out towards me to rest softly on my chest. “I wish…I know this is—”

A part of me knew this was stupid, the worst possible move I could have made but the rest of me didn’t care. Everything felt like it did back then like nothing had changed, and for a moment I could lie to myself and make it so. I cut off her words with my lips, pressing them delicately into hers. I wish she had tensed or slapped me across the muzzle, or anything other than the soft way she sighed and relaxed into me.

In my fantasies, when I thought of us finding each other again somehow, I imagined that our first kiss would be a crushing of mouths; an outpouring of all the pent-up passion I kept corked for so long. What happened was nothing like that at all: it was slow moving of our lips, an exploration of familiar yet new sensations. Her lips were soft, her body was warm and her scent was—

And then that other part—the bitter, angry part of myself—caught up, my stomach turning. I stepped back, planting a hoof on her chest, knowing I was crossing a line into roughness, pushing her from me with just enough hesitation to keep her from stumbling backward. “No.”

“What?” Her eyes fluttered open and I could see the honest shock on her face.

I could feel my legs starting to tremble. “You can’t just do this to me, Starlight.”

“I thought…” She bit her lip to close off her words.

I forced a deep breath, feeling my lungs fill to a burning brim before letting it out, bordering on a shout. “You broke my heart!”

A laugh started on her lips but the smile quickly vanished, her eyes searching my face. “What?”

“When you left, you ripped my heart out.” I took one of her hooves and pressed it to my chest. “Tell me I’m lying, Starlight. Take a good look at me and tell me that your leaving didn’t destroy me.”

“I…I believe you.” A wave of rage washed over me at the hesitation in her voice, as if she couldn’t see it all over my face. Those blue eyes had the nerve to keep tearing into me, trying to figure me out, “But I left because you—”

I tried to push her away but I had no strength left so I stepped back, those words draining every last bit out of me. “Because of what I said.” I put a shaky hoof to the back of my neck. “But you didn’t even let me fix that, you didn’t even give me a chance! You just misconstrued my words so you could hear what you wanted to hear!”

“You said it was no big deal. I asked you if we were changing if we were going to be something more and you said it was no big deal!” Now her voice was booming, ears pinned to her head as she stomped her hoof to the floor to create some kind of steadiness after her outburst. “You basically said fucking me was no big deal and you’re surprised that I took it the wrong way? Are you serious?”

“I meant the change, us changing was no big deal,” I hissed through my teeth. “But you took it the way you wanted because you were scared. It got too messy and you wanted out. Why does that sound familiar?”

“Don’t you dare—”

The warning didn’t register and I felt another growl growing in my throat, “You’re still the same thoughtless, manipulative mare you’ve always been!” Slapping her in the face would have hit her softer, and I watched her eyes blink and water in the face of my words. “If you had listened to me, if you had given me a chance, I would have told you—” I snapped my teeth shut, clenching my jaw against a wave of my own tears. “Forget it. There’s no point now.”

Her mouth opened but shut again quickly, the tears finally releasing and falling down her cheeks. By the time I wanted to move forward, to touch her, she was already turning from me, thundering through the door that she slammed behind her. I heard the second door to her room slam. Why does it feel like we keep playing the same parts over and over?

I waited for another two slams, one of her leaving her room and one from her leaving the house, but it was silent. My knees felt weak so I collapsed back on the bed, still listening for her, maybe she was gathering her things or planning her next move. The only noise came from the nightlife outside my window, the sound of carriages and ponies moving through the streets. I waited and waited, but it was only the night that answered back.

I guess I’d fallen asleep like that, listening to the white noise of the world. When my eyes opened it was pitch dark and silent, making the creak of my door even louder. There was a little light from the hallway, probably coming from her room, giving her a halo. I blinked a few times, propping myself up so I could sit.

“Sunburst…”

“Yeah?” My voice was gruff from sleep and the tears that already wanted to choke me at the sight of her. Starlight looked as if she cried for hours, her eyes ringed red and bruised from the late hour. I glanced at the clock that blinked 4 AM back at me.

She sighed, leaning against the frame as if it were supporting her instead of her legs, half of her body hidden from sight. “I don’t want to fight.”

“Me neither,” I answered dumbly.

“I just want to say…” she took another deep gulp of breath, “that what I did was wrong.”

“Today? I mean, yesterday?” I could have blamed it on my lack of sleep, but I think it’s better blamed on just my lack of sense in general.

“Well, yes, that too, and when I left.” Starlight took another breath, pressing a hoof to her eyes to stop a new flood of tears. “You deserved a chance to explain yourself, I should have asked you for a better answer but…I guess it felt easier to break my own heart than to let you break mine.”

“I wasn’t—” I stopped myself, again feeling the futility of clarifying the past.

“I’m sorry.” A sob broke her voice and she moved her hoof from her eyes to her mouth, forcing back the sound. “I’m so sorry.”

I couldn’t just sit there anymore and quickly got to my hooves, closing the space between us, letting a shaky foreleg wrap around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“It’s not like I didn’t deserve them.” Her voice was almost lost as her cheek pressed into my shoulder, the tears soaking into my cloak. “So don’t apologize.”

I shook my head. “I was being mean for the sake of being mean. That wasn’t very nice.” Holding her felt conflicting. I wanted so desperately to be angry with her but hurting her—having her hurt—was something that I couldn’t inflict or watch without feeling that need to soothe.

A short, breathy laugh from her mouth washed over my coat. “You’re too nice, you know that.”

“Sometimes it feels like that’s all I’ve got,” I mumbled and sighed with the next breath, my foreleg tightening around her shoulders, letting my cheek rest against her hair. This was dangerous and enticing, and I hated how my heart was so quick to give in while my brain screamed about the pain, the misery she put me through. I couldn’t see the clock, the time spent like this felt eternal.

“I hope you can forgive me.” Her voice was small and her hoof came to my shoulder, brushing the skin there in soothing circles.

“I’m trying.” I was proud of my honesty, but not of the feelings that flooded in after that. I had to let her go, to pull myself from all temptation.

There wasn’t a hint of surprise on her face from the detachment, from my words. Instead, she nodded, biting her lips as she turned back to the door. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“No, it’s good that you did.” I had to resist the urge to touch her and instead forced myself to step back. “Just…get some rest, ok? You’re not healed yet.”

“Ok.” Starlight took slow steps to the door, letting it creak closed softly behind her.

I fell asleep, feeling more exhausted than I ever felt before after that conversation.

---

The next day was…tense, probably the tensest in the history of Equestria. I mean, I had finally done exactly what I wanted to do since she came, to really let her have it…almost. We couldn’t argue when she was in a coma, but now that she was fine, I could finally say all the things I wanted to. I should have just kept going, kept releasing all five years’ worth of anger and misery she put me through but I’d hugged her, and told her to go to bed instead.

And when she woke up the next day looking worse than the night before, all I wanted to do was to hug her and herd her back to bed and hold her down until she slept like she should, snoring loudly and soundly without interruption. Instead, I went through the motions, I made her breakfast, watched her as she tried to train a little, and tucked her back into bed when that tired her out, all without a word between the two of us other than what came out of necessity.

When Cadance came by around lunchtime, with Flurry in tow, I thanked every deity in existence because, horseapples, did I just need somepony else to exist in our space for a while. Maybe I regretted that hope as soon as Cadance spent more than the usual five seconds eyeing me. “Flurry, go play with Starlight.”

“She’s sleeping,” I tried, but Flurry was already flapping down the hallway.

“Well, she’ll figure it out when she gets there.” Cadance sat next to me on the couch. “What happened?”

“What are you talking about?” I raised an eyebrow, leaning against the arm of the couch in a more casual manner.

Cadance was not fooled, not even for a second, seeing right through my act with her steady gaze. “Sunburst, what happened?”

Again, my name meant I wasn’t getting away with it. I was surprised she didn’t use my middle name and give me the full name, mom treatment. “Cadance, I, huh…maybe talking to Starlight would be more helpful. She needs it more than I do, I mean, she was sick and—”

“Stop doing that.” Cadance’s hoof slapped against mine like I had been reaching for the cookie jar before dinner. “You may be five years older but this part of you hasn’t changed at all. Your feelings exist, they happen, they’re no less important than somepony else’s.”

I knew that. That was the problem, but I could barely utter the next part out, even under Cadance’s death glare. “I feel like nothing’s changed in five years.”

She sighed as she leaned against the couch, plating her elbow on the top and cheek against her hoof. “Did you finally bring it up?”

“Bring what up?” Playing stupid wasn’t going to work but I was determined to try anyway.

“About what you said and about, well, you know, after you two, well…” In any other situation I would have teased her about having to let Shining give Flurry the talk when she was old enough, if she was uncomfortable enough to even say sex to a stallion she wasn’t related to…but she knew?

“You knew!?” I spat.

“I, well, I met Starlight by accident in Yakyakistan about four years ago,” Cadance said, looking a little guilty. “We got talking and I offered the best advice that I could.” Cadance had a much easier time saying that than the last sentence, but I had a harder time taking this one.

“You talked to her? And you didn’t tell me?” This wasn’t fair. I should have known this.

“Yes, she had a lot to get off her chest.” Cadance’s smile wavered. “And I tried, Sunburst, I tried to get her to understand that what she did was a mistake but she was…well, she was heartbroken. You can’t talk sense to somepony heartbroken.”

I couldn’t control it, I didn’t want to say it, but it refused to be jammed behind my teeth. “How the fuck could she be the one heartbroken? I loved her, Cadance!”

“Loved?” The way she emphasized it; I could practically feel the ‘d’ hit me in the muzzle.

“I can’t forgive her,” I muttered as if that offered some answers.

Cadance heaved a sigh. “I will never say what she did was right—”

“I know,” my mouth still felt like it was full of venom. I tried to force my voice down. I knew I was being too loud; I knew I was risking it with her in the house but I was too busy nursing that festering wound. “I know what she thought, hay, I knew she probably thought that the second the words left my mouth. I’m an idiot and that’ll never change. But if I forgive her, if I get her back, what’ll stop her from running out the door after the next idiotic thing I’m bound to say? Because if she leaves me again, I…”

But what I couldn’t bear to say was even more of the truth. Even if she left now, with us still angry and hurt and off-kilter, I wouldn’t survive it either. For what felt like the millionth time this week, I sunk my head into my hooves and cried. I don’t remember crying this much, even as a colt, and I was starting to wonder if it would ever stop. If there was even a stop to the embarrassment when I went to full-on sobbing just as I heard hoofsteps behind me, and Starlight’s muted gasp.

“Oh, not momma. Sunburst’s crying.” Ah, so it was another case of Flurry having a feeling and she dragged Starlight into it. Another one for the books as evidence that Flurry deserves best-wingmare award. “Sunburst, don’t cry. Don’t cry.” She was instantly next to me, giving a signature Flurry-hug-that-fixes-everything.

“I’m fine,” I muttered. I wiped my face with my cloak as best I could before getting up quickly. “I’m going to make tea,” came out clumsily and I pushed past Starlight to enter the hallway for the kitchen.

“Sit, Starlight, we should talk.” I caught Cadance saying as I reached the end of the hallway.

I stood silently, free of all of them, immobile in the emptiness of the kitchen. I let that last for at least a minute before I could push myself to actually make good on my claim.

Counting the bubbles as the water came to a boil, I tried to forget that there was a decision in front of me. Regardless of what Cadance managed to dig out of me, I had to bury it back, right? There wasn’t a way to—the water was steaming and I picked up with my magic, grateful that I didn’t have to use my mouth as earth ponies and pegasi do. The water swelled over the leaves; the pot filled to the brim in hopes that it would buy me more time with our guests rather than by ourselves.

But by the time I got back to the living room, it didn’t seem to matter if we had guests or not. Starlight didn’t have eyes for anypony but I and I could feel them following me as I went about pouring the tea and distributing the cups. I sat off to the side in the armchair, sighing as Flurry didn’t take the message to leave me be. She climbed into my lap, barely avoiding dousing us both in scalding tea.

Cadance was talking quietly to Starlight but I couldn’t hear with Flurry being so close to my face, her hooves pressing into my cheeks. “You’re sad, Sunburst, why?”

“I swear, Flurry, if you’re trying to read my mind, stop it,” I muttered.

“Everypony’s sad,” she huffed, flattening her hooves against my face. “You woke the princess. We should be happy.”

“The princess woke herself,” I corrected.

“The credit goes mostly to you,” Starlight interjected weakly, testing the waters.

I was sure when I raised my eyes to hers it would be misery, but that small smile, the way she seemed nervous at the moment, made me feel right, not so lopsided.

Flurry continued to mess with my face. “And you’re all ruining mommy’s happy stuff.”

“Flurry Heart, I swear,” she shook her head with a sigh.

Flurry turned to her, her eyes practically pleading, “But, mommy—”

“No.” It was the most forceful mom no I ever heard her utter.

“Happy stuff?” I nudged at the topic, wanting to talk about anything other than myself and Starlight.

“No, Sunburst, I will not divulge the secrets my daughter so willingly throws to the wind.”

“I don’t know, I could use some good news right now,” Starlight added.

I couldn’t help myself from shooting a smile her way, the little bit of teamwork adding to that feeling of steadiness. “Yeah, Flurry said it. We’re a depressed crowd. Lighten the mood, Your Highness.”

Oh, how that ‘Your Highness’ made her eyes narrow. If looks could kill. “It’s not the right time.”

“I’m going to have a brother!” Flurry practically screamed, her patience bursting after a whole five adult sentence, besides the ‘no.’

“Flurry!” Cadance groaned, setting her tea back down hard on the table.

“Really? That’s amazing!” I bounced Flurry on my knee, only adding to her excitement.

“That’s wonderful news.” Starlight moved from the chair to embrace Cadance awkwardly on the couch.

“It’d be better if Flurry could keep a secret.” But Cadance accepted Starlight’s hug. “And we don’t know if it’s a colt, Flurry’s just convinced.”

“But it is!” Flurry insisted. “And that means Sunburst can come back to live with us since we’ll have a baby again.”

“Flurry,” Cadance chided again.

“I only did that for you, Flurry. You were special.” I tousled her mane.

Flurry looked from the mares on the couch back to me. “Starlight could live with us too!”

The painful words left my mouth without a second thought, “Starlight’s not staying, sweetheart.”

“Starlight,” Flurry whined, slipping from my lap to go over to her. “Starlight, just live with us and Sunburst.”

Oh, damn it, Flurry. I couldn’t stop the words from echoing in my head, bringing back the dark emotions from before. I turned myself away from the conversation, grabbing a random book to obscure my face enough that if I started crying again, I could at least save a little face.

“Flurry,” Cadance dropped her voice as she brought her closer, whispering something to her.

The room seemed filled with whispers but I was too intent on covering my face, keeping my emotions at bay. There was the movement of hooves and I felt a soft hoof on my knee.

“Sunburst, look at me,” her voice was forceful, making me drop the tome. We were alone, Cadance and Flurry nowhere to be seen, and Starlight was sitting in front of me. “Do you want me to go?”

“What?” The question shot through every nerve in my body and I was back to struggling to keep the tears under control.

Her eyebrows furrowed and I saw her lip tremble. “I can tell that I’m making you uncomfortable, so if you need me to go then I’ll leave—”

“No,” I practically shouted. “No, please.”

She pressed her lips together to stop the quivering, taking a deep breath before focusing her eyes back on me. “But I am, I’m hurting you.”

“That doesn’t mean I want you to leave. I don’t think…” I sighed and ran my hoof through my hair, forcing my eyes to meet her watery gaze. She was trying, I had to see that, had to let it sink in, and I took a deep breath, my hoof trembling at that lock. “I’m worried you’ll go again. I know you…you have your life, Starlight, but we…oh, damn it.” My mind went veering off, my brain screaming there was no ‘we’ and why wasn’t I just throwing a fit, telling her how much being around her killed and healed me.

“I have a job,” she corrected, that hoof on my knee trembled. “I don’t have a life out there. If you…if you want me to stay, then I’ll stay.”

“Stay.” I put my hoof over hers, leaving the other one sunken into my hair, my eyes closing to let a shaky breath try to calm me. She was silent, and after a few minutes, she pressed her cheek against her hoof and mine on my knee. This movement was so small, but it felt like it was going forward instead of back, instead of stuck.

After what felt like forever, she sighed and lifted her head. “Let’s watch a movie tonight.”

I opened my eyes again, slowly focusing on her. Her smile wasn’t even close to vibrant but it was there, it was genuine, and it was bleeding into my heart. “As long as I get to pick.”

Author's Note:

Super sorry for the late update, but life happened and cut writing time short. But I'm semi-back and will start posting chapters as soon as I finish writing them since I know where this story is going. Also, a little too soon to tell, but there's a slight chance I might change this story rating to Mature, but for now, it remains Teen.

Comments

[Melody Song]

Aw...I can't really tell if old wounds are healing over...but I don't really mind. Also, congratulations Cadence!

[Starlight Fan]

I’m gonna say Starlight and Sunburst are both in the wrong here. While Starlight definitely misinterpreted what Sunburst said, Sunburst wasn’t exactly very clear on what he meant either.