• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

soulpony


T

History has long since replaced my name with one to strike fear into hearts but in the past I was once loved. Hear my story of how I fell to the dark

I know it has quite a few thumbs-downs but please keep in mind they are mostly from before i redid it some when it sucked bad. It has gotten better.

And if you have any ideas that you think might work well in this story or advice to make it better feel free to pm me with it and it will be taken into consideration

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 15 )

So, it looks like the comments were nuked, either you did or a mod did.

That's disheartening. I put time in to offer advice and "LOL NOPE" everything's gone. It's a little better, but it looks like you just stitched the other chapters together and added some new stuff. New stuff is okay, its a little better with development and building the story. Just keep at it, the story still needs some revisions. I'd recommend going to the group offering editing services and really flesh it out.

1299468 im not sure what happened to the comments either.
Odd thing is though everything in this new version of ch 1 is what was in the old version just added to. Didnt even touch anything to do with the other chapters just built on what was in the 1st

Yeah like I said, it's a start. I'd workshop it in one of the groups that caters to author help. It's phenomenal that you can respond to people in a way that isn't reminiscent of a certain other author with an Alicorn-jet fighter OC. It's all technical stuff that can be fixed that's wrong, just keep working on it and it'll be fine. But definitely shop it to the guys in author help groups, that will really help flesh it out and you'll have something great going.

Writing takes work, and if you're not willing to put pride down and say "I did this and it didn't work, how can I make it work" then you don't get anywhere. Ask rawhavok and FelixDawn. Just keep at it and you'll get there. We all had to start somewhere, and internet hugboxes like dA where you hear nothing but "OMG UR SOOOO GR8!!" doesn't give you ANY feedback on what needs work. You worked it up to 1500 words and I'm so sure you can, with a lot of work, weave this into a much larger and compelling story. I'm sure there's plenty of people who can help you out. I would but I'm fairly shit myself and obviously haven't published anything because everything I've got isn't worth subjecting people to.

My story begins in a small town by the name of Hoofington.it was a simple town;just a few rundown houses surrounding a townhall that was so rotten that I'm suprised it could still stand,even the tiniest gust of wind should of pushed it over.


Spacing and Caps. Don't forget! :twilightsmile:

You've got a bit of a mess on your hands there and it needs a complete rewrite.

Okay, first the good news. You've got an interesting premise. Discord was a pony and stuff happened to him for him to become the spirit of chaos. I can honestly say I've never heard that one before so kudos for something different. Unfortunately that's where the good news ends.

You've got some major issues with your story in terms of structure, spelling and grammar. But let's start at the beginning.

You're writing in the first person. This is a rookie mistake but it doesn't have to be. Writing in the 1st person is difficult even for experienced writers, there's just a lot of baggage that goes along with it and you really need to be careful with how your OC manages to deal, learn about and convey this information to the reader. For your first work I always suggest doing this in 3rd person and wait until you have some writing cred under your belt before writing in 1st.

As for the structure, as DatsQ has pointed out, you need to use the proper spacing. Every time you have a period, comma or other break in the sentence you need to put a space after it.

You've got a lot of sentence fragments there, again it's a rookie mistake and I'm guessing it's due to you either speaking the lines in your head before writing them down. It might sound good and dramatic in your head but it looks bad on paper. Every sentence must have a subject and a verb.

Plural VS singular.

My heroic deeds and my name has have been lost to history

The word "has" is singular and typically used in 3rd person, the word "have" is plural and typically used in 1st person. More than 1 thing lost in the past? Then they have been lost.

Capitals, again like DatsQ has mentioned. Proper names have caps. The start of sentences have caps. Personal pronouns have caps.

Spelling issues. Please use a spellcheck. You've got some words there that are misspelled. Also try to get a proofreader if possible. They might catch things that you think are spelled correctly but actually aren't.

And finally some minor nitpicks.

I've got an issue with the Alicorns and Starlight's colouring. He's a black unicorn with a black mane. Could he be any more emo? I'd say keep his eye colouring and if anything just make him a drab horse-like colour. In a land where ponies are pink, blue, green and just about any other colour out there, a drab brown pony would really stand out and could make for some rather cruel jokes from the other foals.

And the alicorns. At some point obviously Celestia and Luna had parents, but you've got them as being just normal every day ponies living in a small, nothing kind of village? If alicorns are as rare as they're supposed to be and they're the literal gods of Equestria, I have a problem with why they're living there instead of ruling the land?

As I've said, I like the premise and your story shows promise but you need a lot of work to flesh it out properly.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke

1344088 thanks for the information. And as for why they are living as normal every day ponies, i have a reason but it wont come into play for another couple of chapters.

1344138
So long as you have your reasons for doing so.

Interesting start to a fic. Pity it was so short. I'd actually like to see you continue this, and I can provide assistance if you want!

~InfinityXanadu

1351174 thanks ill keep that in mind

Eh. Definitely not the WORST fic I've seen by any means. Definitely needs a complete rewrite, but you MIGHT be better off just reading good fics for a short time, gaining a sort of feel for the required elements of composition, character development, exposition, etc. Aside from the egregious errors in conventions (which can be remedied by intensive review, or having an editor look it over), your chapters are horrendously short. I can't understand what you're doing with the story, and that, besides the errors, is a definite turn-off.

I can, however, see that you put a bit of effort into the basic idea of the story, with the whole Celestia-has-a-different-student thing, but it's all just a bit...confusing, to say the least. Unfortunately, "having a reason" for the everyday-life-thing is not really good enough for now. Either don't comment, trusting your readers will wait, or upload sufficient chapters to not leave your readers on TOO much of a cliffhanger.

Anyways. Main idea of my comment: Find an editor to work with you, and read some really good fics.
~InfinityXanadu

ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3 ON ON3 H3R F4C3

GTFO

Now honestly I'd suggest not writing any further.
But I like the idea, really you should send this story to a more talented writer and let him control the mind and heart of the story.
And if you think the direction he's taking isn't any good, guide him along the canon of your take on the story then you'll have good piece and will be re-directed a lot of his fans he gets from the story, to you saying "He practically wrote cuz its was his idea!"
>profit
Not everyone is a writer friend! :applejackunsure:

I am curious as to when the next story will be released. I am a big fan of Descendants of the Creators!

8193618 it may take a little bit. I had honestly forgot I had this story up because I had been busy due to medical complications and housing complications for a long while. But now that I'm in a house and not on the streets anymore along with having the meds I need i will be able to get back to writing. It may take a little time because I'm old fashioned in the way I write cause I prefer to write my stories with pencil and paper to make it feel more personal but I will try to get the next chapter out in a week , 2 at most as soon as I search through the folders to find the one that has the correct story. Thanks for reminding me this story was here.

8193618 I got lucky. When I looked through the files I found that I have the next chapter for rise and fall of a god already done, I just need to do a bit of proofreading and editing on it but I should have it up in 2 to 3 days, and the chapter after that is already started but I need to finish it. I also found some Ideas for other stories that I want to do written down along with some I started but never got around to submitting. So there's some stuff to look forward to now that I can get back in the swing of things.

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