the rise and fall of a god

by soulpony

chapter 1 redone

My story begins in a small town by the name of Hoofington.it was a simple town;just a few rundown houses surrounding a townhall that was so rotten that I'm suprised it could still stand,even the tiniest gust of wind should of pushed it over.

We had only around one hundred villagers,so the whole town pretty much considered each other as a sort of big extended family. For the most part our little town was ignored. Im sure in generations to come they will wish they paid attention to that simple town. For it may have been small and rustic but it was the birthplace of legends.

I was born to a white pegasus father by the name of Soaring Winds and a orange earthpony mother by the name of harvest's delight. I was unique in the fact that i was the only unicorn ever to be born in our family tree, i know i've looked it up.

My name is Starlight Mist. I was a shy little unicorn for most of my life, i was born with a dark black coat and mane with wierdly glowing yellow eyes.because of my eyes most of the other foals tended to ignore me, this probally made my shyness worse because i had no friends.

After my fifth birthday it was decided i should learn magic from my mothers friends down the road. They were a odd sort, nothing bad mind you, just different.They were a family of alicorns, which werent as rare as they would come to be but still uncommon none the less.i remember the day i went to ask them along with my mother.
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My mother walked down the road towards their house with me bouncing circles around her the whole way.

"Come on mom,hurry up, your going so slow" i said while still jumping around in circles.

"Ha-Ha, calm down my son we are almost there. Just try to last a little longer." She never could help laughing at my antics.

We walked for a few more minutes until we came upon a beautiful yellow and black shack. A little white mailbox stood outside with the name Harmonious scribbled on the side of it.

We got to the door and my mother knocked on it while i was still jumping in circles. After a few seconds we heard the tell-tell sounds of clopping against wood before the door opened.

When the door opened enough for me to see inside,I spotted a white mare with a cotton candy colored mane.

"Hello Celestia, is your mother home"? My mother asked.

"Yes miss Harvest, i'll go get her."she exclaimed with a smile on her face.

The door closed and i could hear her run off, a few minutes later we heard a sweet voice calling out and telling us to come on in. As we went in I saw a butterscotch yellow mare walk out of the kitchen.

"Hello Stardust, How have you been this week"? My mother asked with a slight smile on one her face

"I've been great Harvest, now what can i help you and little Starlight with today, hmm"
My mother looked down at me before replying "well as you know, we have no other unicorns in our family besides him, So we were hoping you and Nocturne would be able to teach him."

Stardust looked down at me before saying " Of course, we would love to teach him, he can join our daughters when they begn their training next week.

After they chatted for a little while longer and i entertained my self with a speck of dust,we took our leave to head back home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_----------_----------------------------------- I studied with them and eventually managed to befriend little ole shy Luna. I had only ever watched her stay around her sister.Celestia never liked me for some odd reason. Even when i asked for help to try to become friends, she just basicaly ignored me. Funnily enough it was during one of these times i started to become friends with Luna.
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"H-hey,Tia" i stammered nervously

She turned towards me with a scowl " what do you want"

" would you help me with this spell, please"

Her scowl deepend even farther " Why would i help you with anything "?

"I'll help you, if you want." Said a low voice behind me.

I turned to see something which suprised me. The one who offered was Luna. I mean in all the time ive been here she's barely said more than a few words to me.

I looked at her with a small smile " thanks Luna, i would love your help."

We went off and practiced until i had to go home,but by then i had managed to perfect levitaion to the point where i coils carry multiple things while walking and not have to worry about dropping them.

Ten minutes after my departure

"Thank you,Tia" Luna said with a smile on her face

Celestia looked down towards Luna with a small smirk " your welcome, but you really should tell him how you feel"

We practiced and trained together for years and eventually I came to consider them like family. Celestia was the wise older sister while Luna was the fun, playful younger sister. My power grew to above normal levels to the point where in a foght i could take on either of them and seven out of ten times i could win. I can still remember the first time i beat Celestia
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We were out in the yard for a few hours before the idea of a duel was suggested. We sat around for a few minutes, talking over the rules and terms of the battle and eventually came up with these

1) nothing that happens can be held against the other person

2) it is to be a fair fight, so no cheating.

3) we could use any spell we know as long as it wouldn't truely harm the opponent.

After this we got to decide who went first and somehow it ended up with me vs. Celestia

At first she tried to blind me but i managed to avoid it by tripping on my own hooves and faceplanting into the dirt. While i was down i decided to try and pull a feint and throw a stone at her using levitation. She saw it coming unfortunately and sent it soaring back at me so fast i barely managed to jump up and out of the way in time.

It continued on like this for a few minutes before she tried a small shadowfire illusion that she sent flying at me. Even though i knew it couldn't hurt me, i was scared. The next thing i know, there is a small pink barrier in front of me and Celestia is on the ground a few feet away.

Luna and i rushed towards her to see if she was alright. After we were assured she was ok, i asked what happened. Luna told me that just before Tia's spell hit, the barrier popped up sending the spell back towards Celestia, knocking her back in the progress. By all rights i had won.
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We kept up our training and eventually they even came to think of me as a brother. But soon i started getting bored around town. I had yet to recieve my cutie mark in anything the town had to offer wheither it be from practicing magic to dealing with books or even flowers. I wanted to go and try different things, things my town couldn't provide. My sixteenth birthday was in two days and i decided i would leave.the day after that.

Time came and went and so did my birthday. Eventualy came the night i was supposed to leave. The only ones i had told was Celestia and Luna. They agreed they would sneak out and meet me on the edge.of the town to see me off. I snuck out an hour after my parents fell asleep. Nprmally they fell asleep around nine o'clock so i left at around ten o'clock. It was almost ten thirty when i reached the edge of town and saw Celestia and Luna waiting on the hill for me.

When i reached them they hugged me saying i would be missed. They gave me a book on spells thay said was from thrleir fathers study. I wasnt sure what to think of that as i had never seen their father, but i thanked them anyway for it. We all promised that we would meet again one day and then we would have a match to see how strong i had gotten on my journey. I gave them one last hug and went on my way. I knew i would miss everypony but i also knew i couldnt stay if i wanted to find my place in life

Comments

[Some Jerk]

So, it looks like the comments were nuked, either you did or a mod did.

That's disheartening. I put time in to offer advice and "LOL NOPE" everything's gone. It's a little better, but it looks like you just stitched the other chapters together and added some new stuff. New stuff is okay, its a little better with development and building the story. Just keep at it, the story still needs some revisions. I'd recommend going to the group offering editing services and really flesh it out.

[soulpony]

1299468 im not sure what happened to the comments either.
Odd thing is though everything in this new version of ch 1 is what was in the old version just added to. Didnt even touch anything to do with the other chapters just built on what was in the 1st

[Some Jerk]

Yeah like I said, it's a start. I'd workshop it in one of the groups that caters to author help. It's phenomenal that you can respond to people in a way that isn't reminiscent of a certain other author with an Alicorn-jet fighter OC. It's all technical stuff that can be fixed that's wrong, just keep working on it and it'll be fine. But definitely shop it to the guys in author help groups, that will really help flesh it out and you'll have something great going.

Writing takes work, and if you're not willing to put pride down and say "I did this and it didn't work, how can I make it work" then you don't get anywhere. Ask rawhavok and FelixDawn. Just keep at it and you'll get there. We all had to start somewhere, and internet hugboxes like dA where you hear nothing but "OMG UR SOOOO GR8!!" doesn't give you ANY feedback on what needs work. You worked it up to 1500 words and I'm so sure you can, with a lot of work, weave this into a much larger and compelling story. I'm sure there's plenty of people who can help you out. I would but I'm fairly shit myself and obviously haven't published anything because everything I've got isn't worth subjecting people to.

[Qub3d]

My story begins in a small town by the name of Hoofington.it was a simple town;just a few rundown houses surrounding a townhall that was so rotten that I'm suprised it could still stand,even the tiniest gust of wind should of pushed it over.

Spacing and Caps. Don't forget!

[Evil Homer]

You've got a bit of a mess on your hands there and it needs a complete rewrite.

Okay, first the good news. You've got an interesting premise. Discord was a pony and stuff happened to him for him to become the spirit of chaos. I can honestly say I've never heard that one before so kudos for something different. Unfortunately that's where the good news ends.

You've got some major issues with your story in terms of structure, spelling and grammar. But let's start at the beginning.

You're writing in the first person. This is a rookie mistake but it doesn't have to be. Writing in the 1st person is difficult even for experienced writers, there's just a lot of baggage that goes along with it and you really need to be careful with how your OC manages to deal, learn about and convey this information to the reader. For your first work I always suggest doing this in 3rd person and wait until you have some writing cred under your belt before writing in 1st.

As for the structure, as DatsQ has pointed out, you need to use the proper spacing. Every time you have a period, comma or other break in the sentence you need to put a space after it.

You've got a lot of sentence fragments there, again it's a rookie mistake and I'm guessing it's due to you either speaking the lines in your head before writing them down. It might sound good and dramatic in your head but it looks bad on paper. Every sentence must have a subject and a verb.

Plural VS singular.

My heroic deeds and my name has have been lost to history

The word "has" is singular and typically used in 3rd person, the word "have" is plural and typically used in 1st person. More than 1 thing lost in the past? Then they have been lost.

Capitals, again like DatsQ has mentioned. Proper names have caps. The start of sentences have caps. Personal pronouns have caps.

Spelling issues. Please use a spellcheck. You've got some words there that are misspelled. Also try to get a proofreader if possible. They might catch things that you think are spelled correctly but actually aren't.

And finally some minor nitpicks.

I've got an issue with the Alicorns and Starlight's colouring. He's a black unicorn with a black mane. Could he be any more emo? I'd say keep his eye colouring and if anything just make him a drab horse-like colour. In a land where ponies are pink, blue, green and just about any other colour out there, a drab brown pony would really stand out and could make for some rather cruel jokes from the other foals.

And the alicorns. At some point obviously Celestia and Luna had parents, but you've got them as being just normal every day ponies living in a small, nothing kind of village? If alicorns are as rare as they're supposed to be and they're the literal gods of Equestria, I have a problem with why they're living there instead of ruling the land?

As I've said, I like the premise and your story shows promise but you need a lot of work to flesh it out properly.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke

[soulpony]

1344088 thanks for the information. And as for why they are living as normal every day ponies, i have a reason but it wont come into play for another couple of chapters.

[Evil Homer]

1344138
So long as you have your reasons for doing so.

[soulpony]

1351174 thanks ill keep that in mind

[The Questioner]

Eh. Definitely not the WORST fic I've seen by any means. Definitely needs a complete rewrite, but you MIGHT be better off just reading good fics for a short time, gaining a sort of feel for the required elements of composition, character development, exposition, etc. Aside from the egregious errors in conventions (which can be remedied by intensive review, or having an editor look it over), your chapters are horrendously short. I can't understand what you're doing with the story, and that, besides the errors, is a definite turn-off.

I can, however, see that you put a bit of effort into the basic idea of the story, with the whole Celestia-has-a-different-student thing, but it's all just a bit...confusing, to say the least. Unfortunately, "having a reason" for the everyday-life-thing is not really good enough for now. Either don't comment, trusting your readers will wait, or upload sufficient chapters to not leave your readers on TOO much of a cliffhanger.

Anyways. Main idea of my comment: Find an editor to work with you, and read some really good fics.
~InfinityXanadu

[gallowsCalibrator]

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GTFO