There Are Roommates Living in My Head Rent Free

by Amilition

Buy The Merch

“Ahh, Canterlot City. Once a bustling metropolis full of bubbly ponies. Now, a city ruled by a ruthless leader, feared by all. . . and now with souvenir T-Shirts!”

“Anonymous. . . shut up.” Nightmare Moon quietly muttered.

Sure, she could have yelled at him to keep his blubbering lips shut, but her interest was not Anonymous. In fact, what kept her distracted was the eyesore that lay before her. It was a simple blue t-shirt that depicted her and Luna side by side, happy as ever; with the words “Double the Fun” etched above them.

“Anonymous, why were thee doing a Prench accent?” Came a second voice that belonged to the former princess, Luna.

“Oh, I was just doing an impression of a guy from one of my shows back home.”

“A. . . show? Is that liketh a play?”

“Kinda. It was more like a—”

“Shut! Up! Monkey!” Nightmare snarled. “Somepony tell me what this. . . abomination is?” The moon queen asked.

“It’s your merch. To, you know, boost your popularity.”

“My what?”

“The human is trying to sayeth that everypony hates thee.” Luna bluntly said.

Nightmare Moon cackled. “Why would I care what a common pony thinks of me?”

What was a peasant going to do to her? Give her a dirty look? Or perhaps hurtle an insult at her? Ha! As if anypony could actually do anything.

Inside her head, Anon sighed.

“Look, Moonie, I hate to break it to ya, but there have been countless times chefs spat in your food anytime we went out to eat.”

“What!—”

“Point is,” Anon continued, “Gaining these ponies back on your side would be quite beneficial.

“What can they offer me that could be beneficial?” Nightmare spat.

“For one, those gents won’t spit in thy food,” Luna added.

“Then I shall collect all the heads belonging to chefs in this city!” Nightmare shouted.

“Not a good start! We want them to be happy, not scared for their lives.”

Nightmare Moon huffed. Ponies, they hated her one-thousand years ago and they still hate her now. Now Anonymous wants her to go out and magically get them to like her? Hmm. Well, there was a spell for that.

“And no spells either!” Anon quickly added.

Nightmare growled.

“Guard!” Nightmare yelled out.

Moments later a nightguard stepped into the throne room.

“Ma’am?” He saluted.

“Fetch me my chefs.”

“Aye.” The guard nodded before exiting.

“Why the chefs?” Anon asked.

“If what you say is true, I wish to punish them.”

---

Down below the palace, four ponies stood along one of the many streets of Canterlot. One of them was, of course, Nightmare Moon. The other three, terrified, ponies were her personal chefs. One orange earth stallion, one green unicorn mare, and one older, cream-colored pegasus stallion. With them, was a table displaying various sizes of the same t-shirt Nightmare saw in the throne room.

Of course, the plan went as well as you expected. Ponies gave the area a wide berth, with some carts and carriages opting to go on the opposite sidewalk rather than to use the street. Nightmare Moon didn’t care. She was only doing this to get the two voices to shut up.

They didn’t.

“Shirts for sale! Cometh and buyeth thy very owneth, limited-time, shirt!”

"Luna, they can't hear you."

"Well, it's a lot more than what she's doing!" Luna shouted back.

"I don't even want to be here." Mumbled Nightmare moon.

The three chefs dare not ask why the queen was muttering to herself.

"You're not going to gain any favorability just looking grumpy. Why not ask, uh, what's that orange one's name?"

"I believe the gent's name is, Orange Peel."

"Yeah, ask him to shout out to nearby pedestrians. Make the sale exciting and whatnot."

Nightmare Moon sighed and looked down at the shivering stallion.

"Mr. Peel." Nightmare Moon addressed calmly.

Orange Peel went deathly still before looking up at the queen with wide eyes.

"Y-yes mistress." He stuttered.

"I want these shirts sold. Try and grab some attention to the stand, why don't you."

It took a moment for him to understand the request before he nodded frantically.

"As you wish, m-mistress."

Orange Peel shakily stepped in front of the stand. He looked back at his peers for perhaps any help, but when he didn't receive any he gulped.

"S-shirts for s-sale. Come a-and get them." He muttered.

"C'mon, what is that!? Tell him to put emotion in it."

Nightmare cleared her throat and caught the attention of the orange stallion.

"Please don't stutter like an idiot. And maybe try raising your voice." Nightmare Moon instructed.

The poor stallion seemed to shiver more but nodded his head. Looking back at the street, he nodded again.

"I got this." He whispered. "Ahem. C-come and get your shirts! Royal shirts for sale!"

Orange Peel stuttered again but soon found his voice.

"Good, good! Yes! Now, get that green one—"

"Leaf Blossom."

"Yes, have her hold a sign."

"What? Why?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"For pizzazz!"

Rolling her eyes, she used her magic to make a board appear. The board had the same design as the t-shirts except it had both Nightmare Moon and Luna pointing towards the arrow.

"Ms. Blossom." Nightmare addressed the awkward-looking mare.

She hesitantly looked up at the mare.

"H-how can I help you, your highness?"

Nightmare Moon levitated the board over to the mare.

"Wave this around for me." She ordered.

The mare soundlessly nodded and took the board with her own green aura. Looking towards the street, she began to shake the sign, making small, erratic movements.

"Tell her to make it do flips. Hmm, maybe tell her to hold an air horn too."

"Ms. Blossom?"

Leaf Blossom looked back at the mare with a strained smile.

"Y-yes?"

"Could you flip the sign a few times? And," Nightmare Moon had an air horn appear in front of her, "perhaps honk this instrument a few times."

The mare nodded and took the air horn.

"As y-you wish."

As the two ponies were now doing their own thing, the pegasus looked at the queen with an expectant look.

"Hmm. Somethings missing. . . oh! I know! That old dude—"

"Root Beer."

"Dress him up as a clown! It'd be really funny, trust me."

Nightmare Moon didn't respond and without warning changed Root Beer's clothing into a clown outfit complete with a unicycle.

The stallion didn't say anything and only nodded, accepting his fate. Cycling onto the street, Root Beer unenthusiastically honked his nose and tried to direct ponies to the stand.

"Now this should work," Anonymous said with a satisfied hum.

"We shall see, Anonymous. We shall see."

---

Yeah, no pony showed up.

Probably out of fear or maybe hatred, not one pony dared go up to the stand.

It's been an hour and Nightmare Moon found herself getting irritable. If she was showing any signs of her displeasure, Anon and Luna clearly didn't see it.

"There is nay way a hotdog couldst possibly be a sandwich. It's obviously a taco."

"Ok, I hear you, but let me counter that with this. Do you consider a sub a sandwich?"

Nightmare Moon found herself glaring at a pony who looked over at the stand. Seeing the queen; he looked down and hurried his pace. It was probably bad for business to glare at your customers but she didn't care.

"Of course I do." Luna scoffed.

"Well, then you could consider a hotdog a sandwich if you look at it through the lens—"

"Shut up!" Nightmare Moon screamed.

The three chefs looked back at her with concern until Nightmare Moon met their gaze with a glare of her own.

"Get back to work." She muttered.

The chefs nodded quickly and resumed their business.

"Aw, is the queenie sad?"

Nightmare Moon snorted a reply.

"C'mon, don't be mad. Look, there's a customer right there." Anon pointed out.

Perking up, Nightmare Moon looked up and saw that a purple. . . mare? Stallion? Was awkwardly shuffling to the stand. The three chefs didn't pay her any mind as she walked right up to Nightmare Moon.

"Erm, herllo prince- I mean queen." Greeted the strange pony with a mock accent.

The pony wore a brown trench coat, a black fedora, and a clearly fake mustache. If sketchy was a pony, here they were.

"Greetings, peasant," Nightmare Moon did her best to smile, and failed, "May I interest you in a. . . t-shirt?" She awkwardly asked as she glanced at the pile of clothes on the table.

"Er, ah. . . yes! I wourd like ze uh, shirt!"

Nightmare Moon couldn't help but do a little victory dance. Meanwhile, Anon groaned.

"Oh my God. It's fucking Twilight Sprinkles."

"Twilight Sparkle." Luna corrected.

"What?" Nightmare Moon muttered.

"Look, that's clearly Twilight."

Nightmare Moon squinted her eyes and leaned down to the mysterious pony.

"I don't remember Twilight having a mustache." Nightmare Moon said aloud.

"I'm going to have to concur with Nightmare Moon. I, too, remember not Twilight having a mustache" Agreed Luna.

A single drop of sweat dripped down from the pony's face.

"Urm, Twilight? Who's that?" The pony nervously asked.

"It's a fake mustache! Look, just ask for their name."

Nightmare Moon nodded. "Prey tell, what is your name?"

The pony violently shook before more beads of sweat dripped down.

"Twi-uhhh-shine. Yers! My name is Twishine! A fellow citizen urv ze Night Republic." 'Twishine' finished with a smile.

Nightmare Moon hummed for a moment before getting back up.

"Well, Twishine, how many shirts would you like?"

"Oh my God! Are you kidding me!"

"Quiet!" Nightmare whispered.

Anon groaned and watched painfully as the ordeal went down.

"Uh, one- no- two, shirts. . . please."

Nightmare Moon nodded and handed over the shirts.

"That would be fifty bit—"

Before Nightmare could finish her sentence, the mysterious pony dissolved the clothing and mustache to reveal—

"Twilight Sparkle!" Nightmare Moon gasped.

"That's what I'm sayin'!" Anon wailed.

The purple pony stared defiantly up at the mare.

"Ah-ha! My disguise worked perfectly!"

"Impossible!"

"Now that I have these," She levitated the shirts up, "I shall use them to find your weakness!"

"Don't you dare take them!" Nightmare Moon demanded.

"Yes, I will. It should be a heinous crime to sell this," Twilight unfolded the shirt to reveal the t-shirt design, "for fifty bits!"

Nightmare looked over to Root Beer.

"Clown! Get her!"

The chef saluted before he began to rapidly peddle towards Twilight on the unicycle. But it was too late because before Root Beer could catch her, she teleported away.

What resulted was a clown crashing through a table, knocking off the shirts to the ground.

Nightmare Moon looked up to the sky in a fit of rage and anger.

"Curse you Twiiiiiliiiiight!"

. . .

"So. . . anyone up for ice cream?"

"Me!" Luna enthusiastically shouted.

Nightmare Moon sighed.

"Yes," Nightmare Moon looked down at Root Beer as he climbed out of the pile of shirts. "Clown, clean this mess up or I'll have your head by tomorrow."

The mare began to walk away, silently muttering to herself. Unbeknownst to anyone, a single tear drop raced down Root Beer's face.

Comments

[Witchery]

Moon merch is simply too good for Canterlot ponies.

[Iota]

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yerypidid f;dsvk ;dsklv;sdjkl;vjklajs'jsdkakl

[fanreader999999]

Hm.

[KarasAdamas]

Moonie might need to hurry up with getting bodies for Anon and Luna before she goes insane... or maybe whatever scheme Twilight comes up with will result in them getting bodies. Of course, that would happen after Nony and Lulu have annoyed Nightmare some more.