Technology has granted us many wonders, from an abundance of sustenance, buildings that reached for the sky, and a network that digitally connects the world being just a few. However, with these advancements must come a price; there’s little purpose in merely living, smog covers cities and chokes their inhabitants, and the night is bathed in a dull glow that blocks out the stars.
Too many ponies have become complacent in what they have, but one, a creation of technology herself, has had more than enough of it. The structure of society in this modern age has trapped and tortured her for years, and the technology and magic that suffuses the world only adds fuel to the fire, but when an opportunity presents itself in the form of a beautiful and free travelling showmare, she may finally get the chance to escape she’s been so desperate for.
My entry to the Sunset x EqG Villain Second Chances Contest
An interesting read. With a few tweaks, this could be an original story.
I like that we're given hints and vagaries about Sunset's backstory, leaving some mystery to her. However, at the same time I think the biggest issue I have with the story is that we're told that Sunset is miserable with her life and we don't really see much of it. We have that one brief scene with Celestia and her two walks to the park and that's it. I think you could have made a stronger case if we got to see a day of her life, from school to her home, showcasing the drudge she pushes through. It doesn't have to be too detailed, but seeing it would mean a lot more than being told in this case.
Don't have much to say about Trixie as she was pretty well handled. Perhaps not as in-your-face as she is in the show, but I can chalk that up to the different environment. I like the detail that even the audience in attendance, ponies that chose to be there, were still glued to their devices. Instead of hecklers, Trixie is dealing with disinterest. It makes for a neat contrast.
This ended in a good place but I wouldn't mind seeing more if you decide to continue.
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Thank you for the detailed criticism, RT!
I do know about the lack of detail in some parts (i.e. Sunset’s stifling life), but I was on a bit of a time limit for the contest. I’m probably not going to do much with this story later, as I really only created it for this contest and to practice with my writing, and so any further development on it would be rather difficult.
(standing before the Long Description) As of this writing, your description needs some serious attention. I'm scared. (clicks the chapter…)
In that first paragraph, it took me a while to work out that 'stars that use (sic) to dot the night sky' was referring to the magitech devices and not the fur coats rendered like dull paste.
(There's a trap in clinical scifi to fixate on what the thing is or what it does, over how people interact with it. Because naturally everyone calls their smartphone a 'radio-electric computer-communicator" – see for satire if all stories were written like science fiction stories.)
I can make no sense of what's going on with Sunset during her first meeting with Trixie… is she enraptured, is she distracted, is she suffering a PTSD reaction, it's almost impossible to say. Also lots of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, except here it's 'orange filly/orange unicorn' and 'showmare' – you've introduced your character, you better be using who they are as identifiers instead of what they are nearly all the time. Also, if there were a pause where ponies weren't volunteering to see the mirror up close, 1) Trixie has failed in her job as a showmare and entertainer, and 2) she'd quickly pull someone out of the crowd: "You! Yes, you! Trixie is in need of your assistance!"
'Wait, where'd my reflection go…?' Because you're a magical vampire, Sunset – melting pot of all the fell creation legends. Though you now have me curious what stage magic is like when there's real magic in the world… or, at least, "magitech".
Sunset was earlier terrified of Celestia disapproving of tardiness, and then she's terrified because Celestia isn't present (even though she hardly ever is?)… This contradictory information could be interesting, but there's no indication that you're exploring Sunset in that vein.
Apologies, but I stopped reading at the second scene break. I'm roughly halfway through the story and I feel only confusion from this character instead of interest. The prose is contradictory, blunt, scattered, and sterile, and I demand more in reading for pleasure. I feel like there's a lot of cool ideas to be mined from what you've laced here, which makes it all the more disappointing.
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A bit harsh, but I still appreciate the criticism.
For the first point, I was addressing the actual stars that are no longer visible in the night sky due to light pollution, so take that as it is.
I wrote Sunset to be sort of enraptured by Trixie in their first meeting, and thus Trixie would take up an abnormally large portion of Sunset’s awareness.
Though, with how characters are described, I do actually feel like I need to describe them more often and earlier, so thank you for pointing out that that’s an issue you see as well.
For when Sunset enters her home, she’s not acting rationally, so she’s just terrified of what could be, regardless of how likely it is, and take it from someone with anxiety issues; that kind of mind-screwing fear is exactly what happens in that type of position.
As for your summary, I was in a bit of a crunch because of how long this ended up being in just a month, so I couldn’t quite polish it up. Obviously, there are more issues in my stories than just that, but I do tend to focus on a specific part of it above all else, and in this one it was the dry purposelessness that comes with modernity. I do feel that I balanced everything better in this story than my others—and going by the other feedback, my readers feel the same—but I am aware there are still places I could improve, so I’m thankful you actually addressed that.
I like it but the main characters seem a little off from the characters they are in canon. Not that that’s a bad thing though…
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Yeah, I suppose I just wanted a more realistic take on these characters, though still keeping them recognizable.
Sunset, being in the shadow of someone with that much power could try to ride off of it to fill her ego, as is done in canon, but with the amount of power Celestia has over her, it’d make more sense for her to be incredibly stressed and prone to panic attacks.
Trixie I made more altruistic, as she’d likely know how stressful life could be at times and wouldn’t want to make that worse for anyone, especially given how her magic shows are hardly that intrusive and likely done with charity in mind.
A lot of this is building off of my own headcanon, but with how often characters are written as exact copies of how they are in the show, with no thought put into how they could be different or have more depth, I just wanted to make something that shows them as what they have the potential to be, rather than what everyone doggedly assumes they would be.
11215884
I would call the story a pretty blatant AU. Which I don't see as a problem!
I might possibly have more to say later, especially after the judging.
The pain of getting into a world only to end so soon...
Bravo.