• Member Since 25th May, 2017
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Applefai


I'm a Christian brony born in 10/19/1996, profile pic done by sweetstrokesstudios.. I may write M rated stories I take commissions $10 for first chapter and $5 for additional chapters

Sequels1

Comments ( 13 )

Can't wait to see what happens next

Daah enters the locker room where Soarin is just starting to get undressed. He notices her and smiles, "Hey Crash, nice job out there today." He said as he removed the top of his spandex jumpsuit, exposing his medium muscles that are glistening with sweat.

Rainbow blushed as she let out a forced laugh. "You weren't so bad yourself, Clipper." She said as she went to her locker, turning away so Soarin could change.

Looks like Rainbow likes what she sees :trixieshiftright:

or will her rough and tumble personality enable her?

Don't you mean disable?

11178130
I don't think so. I thought there was a word to use to say something is holding you back

"I'm sorry dear, I just had to tease you a bit. I'll talk to you later, love you." She said, fighting back tears from her laughter.

Moms will be moms

Now that's adorable and sweet. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Comment posted by Blue_Sapphire deleted Apr 22nd, 2022

I'll go ahead and say I gave it a shot to read this, but didn't complete it about almost half way. i think I had like, 5 chapters left.

This story is full of filler content, so much that I could've used the text-to-speech to know when the story moved on while I watch TV.

It got boring, dude.

My recommendation is to try your best at not taking this route. Just only in some cases where you really can't think of what else to say in the scene. And if you do end up taking this route, be concise!

If they are having breakfast or dinner, you can just say what they made and move on with the story. Unless you have a way with words and can effectively make the story move along, I don't need to know how they made Foie gras or Eggs Benedict.

Lastly, I noticed your writing style. It looks like your writing is informative. You only describe actions as if you were a live commentator. Put some meaning behind your words. Doesn't have to be all the time, but it matters. When I read it, it's like listening to a robot. Make it sound more human, like if you were telling co workers a dramatic story about your Aunt's jerk boyfriend in the smoking area.

That's all. Take this however you feel.

11247436
Thank you, I'll take the words under consideration.

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